To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

Legalconfidence A full email to the govenors and the HM...I have been told a few times verbally by the HM that it's a special case and to bare with them...She then was candid yesterday and said they have been trying to exclude her but it's taking longer than usual.

well it does sound as though the school are doing their best with a very difficult child and I am not sure what more you can do except give your DD more tools for dealing with children who have taken in such vile views and language.

Oh give over, Dora wasn't minimising anything.
Having lost the higher ground after being told that all parents shouldn't be privy to confidential information about any child but their own at school people are now getting huffy about racism being brushed under the carpet when no such thing is happening.

Purple Prose about conditions on slave ships is 'specific horror' and not what anyone means when they suggest talking to young children about racism.

Some of the terms rejected in England are used in the US black community with pride. The difficulty I would have about trying to reverse engineer racist comments, in order to explain racism to a child, is that the comments themselves are ignorant and stupid and, supposing the educating mother has sufficient knowledge, there is usually a completely different and altogether more intelligent explanation than the one the racist is actually using. (Most people who use racist abuse are of limited intelligence.)

TBH I am not sure how much of this I believe - about a six year-old?

I am not calling anyone a liar but the story seems to be based on hearsay and delivers maximum shock-value. ( Has OP spent time with this child herself?)

I do not think Dora's comments were 'appalling' or 'minimising' tbh.

itsallkicking has already made the point. Slave ship conditions and racism are different subjects. In order to be treated well, they must be treated separately. I don't think anyone would want the holocaust to be short changed by bundling it in with racism, either (although both horrors contained much racism).

Ok thanks OP.

What was the date of the email please.

It may be time to follow up focussing on your child of course.

You should be writing regularly, reporting facts as your daughter reports them to you.

The head's tactic here is the understandable but wrong one of telling you things she shouldn't tell you to bring you into her circle of confidence and therefore reduce the likelihood of you making formal complaints.

Get your husband to write as presumably the head hasn't had any "off the record" chats with him.

I would avoid referring to the exclusion process - that will just get the head into trouble and switch her focus away from safeguarding the kids to saving her own skin (unless you think she has handled this so badly you want her out which doesn't seem to be the case).

As a white woman, this thread reinforces what many black people have been saying for along time ; their woes are often ignored and glossed over
It seems that some posters are deliberately looking for loopholes in the Op's posts, rather than focusing on the fact that there are children attending school who are exposed to racist bile.
I do not want my white children exposed to this , so put yourself in the position of a black or Asian parent whose child has been racially abused. I don't want those children to have anger towards white people .
I admit, I would not want my white child to have anything to do with such a child, irrespective of the child's background, if that makes me a terrible person, so be it.

This child is saying what?... How are they letting this abusive filth go on. I was cross about it when I thought it was stupid racist name calling. But if this child is talking lynchings and slave ships it is absolutely intolerable. They can't use the class as a "holding pen" while it sorts this out. Why should any other child have to hear this monstrous stuff? The school should not allow this child in the school. The children should not be subjected to this and frankly, neither should the teaching staff.

WellAnnoyed Thanks it happens all the time as though slavery is just something black people made up and like to speak about all the time because we are bored and love to play the victim.

Jewish people are never reminded about the woes of slavery when they speak of their horrid plight in Germany.

Focus OP, focus.

The date of your email please?

OP you are absolutely right for not wanting your child to associate with the bullying child.

Apologies if you have mentioned it already but is the school doing anything to support the children who are being attacked by the racist child? (And yes it is an attack. Words do hurt as much if not more than fists!).

sparkysparkysparky
I'm telling you.....It's the most vile filth I've ever ever heard in my life it is not normal and breaks my heart to imagine a little 6 year old saying these things. This is not normal guys I'm not surprised two people have said the post isn't genuine because even real racist people do not speak like this sometimes if that makes sense.

The Head has broken confidentiality in telling another parent that the school is working towards exclusion.

You're quite right, OP. 'Real' racists are rarely so overt or descriptive. Which is what points towards a disturbed, possibly abused, child. But hey, as long as they're soon going to be another school's problem who gives a shit, right?

Legalconfidence I sent it last year early November after DD complained a few times and another child mentioned it in a playgroup and I knew it was not a one off! I've also responded to the emails that have gone around as "subtle" reminders of the school rules and code of conduct this year too.

OP, if you don't want my help just say so and I'll bugger off and leave you in peace. If you do, please tell me the date of your email to school.

Legalconfidence um...I am trying my best to respond to everyones questions please bare with me!

Incidentally, Black History Month is doing a lot (mostly in London, that I know of) to address the invisibility of the Transatlantic slave trade. Some children have even read Equiano. I'm not sure in which other centuries that could have been said.

believe it or not wannabe, there ARE adults who talk like this eg about 'get back on your slave ship'. My brother was once eating at his potential inlaws once and they started with this. He was shocked. And did not marry the girl thank the lord.

ItsAllKickingOffPru I know I know I know I know it's all becoming a bloody circus before the hols the playground seemed ..... tense. I appreciate everyone posts but at the same time I do believe honestly that the school as tried and there is something going on. I'm not going to let people who have not read the thread etc wind me up with you need to badger the school more call ofsted etc etc because the school has been very clear they are dealing with it quietly and have to tread carefully for whatever reason.

I'm going to tell DD to stay away everyone! She can be nice and hand her a pencil if asked etc but enough it enough.

Will start a new thread with an update when the situation changes.

Ok sorry, I am struggling not to leave the thread because of some of the content but here goes.

You need to escalate this. You need to write again. You need to put in that letter everything your child has said to you.

You should write on paper, copy by email, to head and chair of governors. You must make it clear that your concerns have not been adressed and that your daughter is not being kept safe.

You need to keep doing this. Then you need to write to OFSTED.

If you feel sorry for the other child, I would suggest she will get higher quality intervention if you take a more formal decisive route.