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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 11:24

I agree with itsallkickingoffpru - why are you so involved?
The school are dealing with it. Why not discuss it more with your DD instead of being so interested in the other child?

Awadebumbo · 10/04/2015 11:24

Feenie I'm not actually sure who does on this thread, I've seen a lot of concern for the home life of the child but very little on what people think should be done to protect the children she abuses.
People have even suggested that the OP telling her daughter not to speak to her is equally as bad as what she is doing to other children.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 11:25

'as a woman of color' - do you mean that white people never suffer from racism?

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 10/04/2015 11:26

SunnyBaudelaire Sunny the OP was about me and my DD i only started speaking about the school etc when asked. Furthermore I have had 3 conversations to date regarding this other child hardly "so involved" ...we also speak about the school play SATS results school places etc It's not all doom and gloom

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 10/04/2015 11:28

SunnyBaudelaire No Sunny, we are all adults...I'm speaking about racism towards the children of color....and how it has in some instances been glossed over....and it upsets me because sometimes our community feels as though racism is seen as "our problem" or "us being dramatic"

OP posts:
Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 11:29

Sunny, I don't think the OP can deal with it purely by speaking with her own child.

I could not have told my son, at six, that at various points in recent history entire nations have been whipped up into feeling nausea in the mere presence of people of his race.

I think that's her point. Racism is a big deal.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 11:30

What do you want to happen to the child, OP?

Or...anyone, really. I'm interested in what you think should be done. Remove from the school? To where? What strategies would you suggest to combat the behaviour?

If it was hitting/spitting/disablist/sexualised behaviour? Would that have the same reaction? Isolate socially and remove from the scholl?

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 11:31

oh yes I know it is. but the school will deal with it. We all need to give our own children the tools to deal with the shit that people will throw at them!
For example my white son is regularly told to 'fuck off and work at the meat processing plant with the other Poles'.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 11:32

oh and the school will not deal with that, they tell him to sit down and shut up if he complains. ho hum.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 11:32

Just because you aren't given the child's file and invited to multi agency meetings doesn't mean it's 'glossed over'.

Schools and LEAs take racism very seriously. All incidents have to be recorded and action taken documented (which is what OFSTED would check).

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 11:34

"Or...anyone, really. I'm interested in what you think should be done. Remove from the school? To where? What strategies would you suggest to combat the behaviour?"

I have just identified strategies below that I think are more realistic. Stop wishing the child stopped saying these things and instead listen to her and help her understand that "brown" people are not to be feared or loathed. If it turns out in the course of that intervention that really she just wanted attention then life gets simpler.

DoraGora · 10/04/2015 11:34

The behaviour of the schools which are tolerating racism is unacceptable. This should have been dealt with ages ago. I certainly wouldn't let any child of mine communicate with a foul mouthed racist. And, any teacher who said different could go to Coventry with her.

Feenie · 10/04/2015 11:34

People have even suggested that the OP telling her daughter not to speak to her is equally as bad

Bollocks - no one said that. They did say that two wrongs don't make a right.

Your continual insistence that posters who say this are ignoring the victims is ridiculous.

wannaBe · 10/04/2015 11:36

Awadebumbo to be fair though the op posted about not wanting her daughter to speak to this child in her op. it wasn't until several pages in that she said that she is mixed race, and only because she was challenged on her abundant use of racist terms on this thread, terms which mn hq have since edited out.

no-one on this thread has said that racism is ok. However I do not think that a six year old child can be labelled a racist. Yes, her use of language needs to be addressed, and steps need to be taken to get to the route of where this kind of thought and perception comes from.

The op has said herself that her own child is too young to learn about racism, so how is it that the op's child is too young but the other child is not? Hmm

And these parents that no-one ever sees, what happens when this child goes on playdates then? presumably she is either collected by or delivered back to parents?

It makes no sense that parents who are that prejudiced would choose to send their child to a school which is so ethnically diverse.

Equally a school that is so transparent as to invite all parties to a meeting to discuss a child's behavior, have the head as a presence during the easter holidays while the school is open for study, and sends out wide letters about behavior does not have the capacity to deal with one child....

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 11:36

Sunny, I think your son will be older though?

It's about age appropriate interventions and protections.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 11:39

well yes he is, and he is able to answer back.
I still think it is a bit shit being told to 'sit down and shut up' though.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 11:40

Someone might be doing that, LegalConfidence. Counselling services, specialist etc. Which OP doesn't have the right to know about, teachers don't have the skills to do properly etc etc.

MOre likely to be a shock tactic/negative feedback though, given that the child uses the words indiscriminately to white and ethnic children.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 11:41

"no-one on this thread has said that racism is ok. However I do not think that a six year old child can be labelled a racist. Yes, her use of language needs to be addressed, and steps need to be taken to get to the route of where this kind of thought and perception comes from."

Interesting point. I agree it is inappropriate to label a six year old. But a six year old may be feeling genuine fear/disgust at the physical signs of racial difference. Because she's six, we don't call her racist, we have a duty to help her. But she's on a bad path.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 10/04/2015 11:41

ItsAllKickingOffPru

I did say in that post that we have spoken about it but not in a deep way as she is only six but since you do not think that is sufficient to be clear....

I do not want to tell her what lynching is thanks....which is what this kid has said the black kids will get when they get older.

I do not want to tell her why black people are associated with monkeys ...at this age

I do not want to tell her what a slave ship is (which is another comment this child likes to make ... that black kids need to "get back on their slave ship").....and how millions and millions and millions of her forefathers were taken to america and the carribean covered in their urine shit and vomit and period blood in chains for the greed of others.

We shall have that chat but not anytime soon. I'm not having a go but racism runs deeper than saying nasty words. Well - for some of us it does.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 11:43

oh yes my children's grandparents were slaves, marynotpoppins.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 11:44

Sunny, of course it is "a bit shit".

You will have given him tools to deal with it over a long period, gradually increasing in sophistication. Whereas the OP's daughter is having this exposure at an early age (fortunately not from an authority figure).

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 10/04/2015 11:44

wannaBe I dont feel the need to wave around my race or my childs race on MN like I'm not a normal person like you....forgive for thinking racism is bad no matter what colour you are....If i was white i still wouldnt want my child around it....because it's not just the problem of the victim.

And again....look at the thread...I said we were a mixed raced family very very early on! What do you want? our names our address my entire ethnic heritage?

OP posts:
DoraGora · 10/04/2015 11:46

black people are associated with monkeys, by whom? Really, any more than all great apes and their descendants?

LittleBairn · 10/04/2015 11:46

Furthermore I have had 3 conversations to date regarding this other child hardly "so involved"

3 conversations about a child that isn't your own is excessive.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 11:49

Hi there kicking,

"Someone might be doing that, LegalConfidence. Counselling services, specialist etc. Which OP doesn't have the right to know about, teachers don't have the skills to do properly etc etc.".
Yes, I think the OP accepts that but the drip feed from school isn't encouraging. If the right people are involved, they may need to intervene more with the staff because the messages don't seem focussed.

"MOre likely to be a shock tactic/negative feedback though, given that the child uses the words indiscriminately to white and ethnic children."
Let's hope so. I had understood though that whilst the child uses the language with white people it is not really white people she is talking about.