To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

areyu I agree, of course it should be stopped. Did I say it shouldn't? I think some of the ideas suggested are inappropriate for a 6 year old.

I don't think she should be excluded as that marks a child as trouble for life but the school could look at getting in outside help to reinforce the message that racism is wrong. There are organisations out there that would be willing to help and come in a speak to the class which would make it more relevant to the situation at hand than addressing the whole school.
I would not invite her around to my house at this point though as I wouldn't want to potentially expose my other children to that sort of behaviour.
I would speak to my daughter and ask her about how she felt about the situation and whether or not she wanted to continue to be friends. If she did I would say that when she acts like this just walk away don't engage go and tell the teacher, don't give her the reaction she is looking for. If she didn't want to stay friends then I would let her tell I that she has the right to friends with whoever she chooses and she doesn't have to be around people that make her feel bad but she must always be polite and nice to her when she did have to speak to her.
I would also show her as much of my own family's culture as I could, food and the traditions.
I'm not making any assumptions here and not saying OP hasn't done any if these.

Perhaps exclusion would make the parents pull their finger out and address the racism they're breeding in their child. 6 years old is of age to know when what you're saying is deeply unpleasant, coupled with the sad/upset reaction that ensues. I can't get my head around this child using offensive language and terms for ages, and the victims of that attending school daily and seeing that nothing is being done about it. What about the feelings around all this they are internalising? Id rather the offending child was excluded so other children didn't have to endure feeling like crap at school.

I would have thought a child of 6 will follow their family code rather than that of do - gooding strangers who come in to give talks.

You'd think a school could deal with this surely?

Evening all

Op im on your side.
I do have sympathy for the girl but i have more sympathy for the victims.
Must be so hard for them to be insulted everyday at school.

Why must you measure your sympathy? How strange

I think everyone is in agreement that her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and needs dealing with in a way that is effective. That way should not ever be the one the OP suggested or how other parents at this school seemed to have acted.

Think the school need to step in here and arrange to discuss with this child's parents. It's awful that this hasn't happened already given that some children are being subjected to this.

Yes but it's the fact that most posters have addressed her and what she's going through in their responses and made little comment on the lasting damage being abused like this can do and seeing that the powers that be do nothing to really address it and put a stop to it.

YANBU OP. The school aren't doing enough. Whatever the special circumstances, they shouldn't be allowing the child to remain in a position to racially abuse their classmates. End of.

The suggestion above about doing a FOI request was a good one. I'd be writing to the governors, the LEA and the local MP if I was faced with this.

I'd probably be looking for another school and keeping my child off too.

Because most people on here seem to mainly be focussing and sympathising for the child saying these awful things rather than the poor children who are having these things said to them.
These things stick with children.
Yes the child clearly needs help, but a what point do you say enough is enough?
How long to the other kids have to put up with it?why should they have to?

Agree kali110, and because the interests of the rest of the school community has to be balanced against what is best for the racist child - what is best for her is not what is best for the others.

Again, NO ONE has ever said any of the things the above posters have referred to - in expressing sympathy for the child they have addressed the strategy suggested both in the thread title and in subsequent posts by various posters.

Saying that ostracising a 6 year old would not be the right way to go does NOT equate to saying children should put up with this behaviour, and not once has a poster said they should.

It's worrying that some posters are convinced it does.

Feenie its quite worrying that you are being deliberately obtuse and defensive because some have rightly pointed out that the feelings of the victims of racism are being glossed over and barely mentioned, in the haste to sympathise and speculate about this child's home life etc

All the "no one has said" & "not once" doesn't change that glaringly obvious stance, does it?

People can read

Im going to have to give you guys an update later on tonight I'm doing the school run and will discuss more with teachers and parents!

This is what makes me uncomfortable. You made a joke (I think) upthread, about illuminati of the playground but actually it's not far from the truth. This kids behaviour (behaviour, see - not the child) is not acceptable and this is a useful opportunity to share the message that language like this is NEVER OK. Perhaps an opportunity to share support and experiences between the kids. However, this kid has clearly got much bigger stuff going on, it may well be completely mind blowingly beyond your experience. But what you are choosing to do is whip up a campaign against a 6 year old child (not their behaviour but the child). Totally unreasonable.

Have now read the rest of the thread and we seem to (at times) have moved on from ostracising the 6 year old kid to what should I do as a parent.
Talk to you child sbout the fact that sometimes kids have a rough time at home and don't have people to keep them safe and teach them right and wrong. That talking to people like this is not, and will never be OK. That if she is uncomfortable with anything the girl says she can say 'that's a silly / unkind thing to say' and tell a teacher. Teach her the reality of life and the value of diversity.
DO NOT whisper between groups of adults in the playground about how to deal with this child (not least because you seem to struggle with the difference between behaviour and the child).

You say nobody has met the child's parents but you also mentioned this child has been on play dates at other children's houses OP - have those children's parents not met this child's parents???

This is a distressing incident for the children being racially abused, do the parents have the right to discuss it with everyone. Or should we just concentrate on how the child giving out the abuse will feel.

How about doing both? You can discuss how behaviour makes you or your child feel whilst bearing in mind this is a very troubled child whose behaviour is unacceptable. It's not an Either/Or situation.

Where do you think this child is going to go if excluded? They won't just be banished from education or kept away from everyone permanently. Nor will the threat or shock of exclusion make them stop. Whichever educational setting they are in the behaviour will have an impact and need to be addressed.

We have no idea how the school is tackling it or what outside agencies are involved, nor are we entitled to know the specifics of the intervention. Our job as parents is to explain the behaviour is wrong to our own children and report any incidents to the school.

Exactly, itsallkickingoff...

It was the implication by some posters all kicking that the parents shouldn't be discussion the incident as this wouldn't be in the interests of the child who is abusing the other children. Some even going so far to say that they are acting like bullies, what for them discussing the racial abuse their children are suffering at hands of this child. Again not many on here seem to have much sympathy for the children being abused but lots of excusing of this behaviour and ways the OP can behave that will cause the least distress to the child dealing out the abuse.
Asians and black children need protection just as much as white children. And furthermore they need to feel that they are protected. When these children hear a bag of excuses as to why this child behaves like this and instead of addressing her behaviour talks to the rest of the school, it reinforces the message that in white society we don't count. This is a message that they will hear a number of different ways but the message is always the same. White people are more important to society and when it comes down to it you don't count.

White people are more important to society

Please tell me you just phrased that wrongly and you don't actually mean that

Of course parents are going to discuss incidents of bullying. What they shouldn't be doing is their own plan of social exclusion beyond giving their children strategies for handling situations where someone else's behaviour is wrong. Children aren't stupid. They can take on board the fact, expressed in a way that they can understand, that X's behaviour is wrong, X has learned that behaviour from somewhere and the adults around them at school will be working to stop that behaviour. That's not a 'bag of excuses', that's looking at the whole picture.

No awade if a black child had the same shite home life and was producing racist language at school they would have exactly the same protection,help and support.

Many,many chidren of all races have anti social behaviour.Schools bend over backwards to help all of them as sometimes a child's schooling is all they have.

There has been no evidence given that the child has an unhappy home life
None
People are jumping to assumptions
The parents could be racists who teach her she us special and people of different nationalities are beneath contempt but that does not automatically infer they do not cherish her.
The circumstances alluded to by the school could range from parents refusing to engage because they fully support their DDs behaviour, to one parent serving abroad in the army and the other working long hours and not being available during the day.
To assume that because the child persists in using racist language and because the schools tactics have thus far been unsuccessful then she must have an awful home life us as likely to be false logic as it is to be true.
Would the school or other posters be as tolerant if she was abusing children with disabilities or those with additional needs by calling them foul names?