To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

Joyfulldeathsquad read the post this kid has been invited on play dates etc etc

Um level 6 in maths isn't gifted.Just sayin.

It sounds like a witch hunt.

The timescale for these actions is important. However, quite why the school has bothered with letters to all parents is odd.
Surely wet letters about how we all need to be nice is ineffectual. Exclusion , you suggest , is difficult but not impossible. The parents /carers may be disengaged - chivvying everyone along with weasel words is hardly going to re engage them. Action needs to be focused on this family and keep other parents out of it.
Sounds like the teacher needs support too.
I think the school is being wimpy and is distracting itself with ineffectual bs.

is this a state school? I am sure they are not allowed to teach/coach for SATS.

What a bizarre idea, Phantom. Of course they are. What do you think they actually do in Year 6 if not to be prepared for SATs? I know they're supposed to do more than that but it's hardly surprising if SATs are the school's priority. And yes, if children are entered for Level 6 that often involves teaching outside normal lesson times because, guess what, level 6 isn't covered in the normal primary maths syllabus. Some schools in fact pay staff extra for this, or draft in teachers from outside.

As for wannaBe's idea that no-one would send their child for extra tuition for level 6 SATs, I'm afraid that also is nonsense. Schools throughout the country are doing this. Yes, the SATs aren't that important to the child, but extra tuition is hardly going to harm them, is it? And, WorriedAboutTooth, have a look at last year's SATs results, you will find quite a large number of primary schools with children who have achieved level 6s without necessarily all being either geniuses or massive amounts of coaching.

This is what I hate about AIBU - some people are so determined to attack other posters that they fall on every word and dissect it and criticise it without necessarily knowing anything about what they're talking about, and without bothering to check.

LittleGreyCar I agree i thank you all for your advice and perspective i really do. I don't want to be blinded by my disgust as a woman of colour

OP, the school should have a governor with particular responsibility for equality. I would suggest that, if you haven't done this already, you and any other concerned parents contact that governor and explain that, although you fully understand that this is a sensitive case, your children should not have to be subjected to that sort of language and ask what effective steps they are going to take to stop it.

Icimoi Thanks so much for that....I was rereading my OP thinking at what point did i say any of the things I'm being accused of...school during easter is becoming more and more popular in the UK and a bloody life saver for working parents....the kids get a lot of play time and they learn...in a class of sometimes 30 im bloody grateful for the extra classes!!!

It is not for the other children to play a formal role in therapy for this child. If the child cannot function in school without racially abusing classmates then she cannot stay in that class.

Every incident of racial abuse should be reported to the LA by educational establishments. You can request an FOI on the number of incidents recorded for a specific LA broken down into specific schools. This should give you the number of incidents (presuming the school have recorded them).

sparkysparkysparky This is my only argument. Why should DD and other kids parent this other child? By the way the head mistress is half chinese and the teachers are very very diverse. The TA in this glass is from Ghana. The teacher is engaged to a mixed raced man. This is the most multi ethic school in terms of staff and children I have ever come across. No race dominates another.

Sounds like they are flailing about. All the more reason to have ofsted and/or LEA involved.

I think some people posting here need to take a long hard look at themselves. If they kick up such a stink about the OP transcribing what the girl has said, imagine how they would really react if their kids came home repeating this stuff.

I think the number of parents who by now would have gently said 'Why don't you play with someone else instead' is somewhat higher than people want to admit.

PS Congratulations on having kids who are good at maths OP!

I think the attitude displayed on this thread shines a light on how racism is perceived by some. No concern for the children who are being abused but plenty of concern about the home life of the abuser.

There's stacks of concern about the other children. Read a little more closely before you post.

Arranging a meeting with the parents of the victim/s and the parents of the wrongdoer is unusual.

I have read the entire thread thank you sparky. That's why I used the word some.

oh i feel sympathy, if kids are really being racially abused

So what is it you think is going on at the school then Fanjo?

well, the things the OP is recounting are indeed racial abuse if they did happen. so dont go accusing me of being some racism apologist.

People are answering the op not showing no concern for the other children.

The fact is the op asked if she was being unreasonable in what she was planning to do,many think she was being unreasonable and not that racism is acceptable.

Bullying happens in every school and there are preferable ways of dealing with it.

Just for the record calling a 6 year old "a bad egg" is never acceptable. Said child will have had a poor upbringing and shouldn't be written off for life at such a young age.

It seems as though the school is failing to cope with this child and failing to protect other children from racist slurs. The school authorities need to do more than add an item to the newsletter and their other rather pathetic attempts to tackle the problem. There is obviously something very wrong with the child's home life, and she has discovered that repeating racist language will a) get her the attention she clearly lacks and b) won't actually result in any sanctions. It is up to the school to take this problem seriously, and if the headteacher won't do so, it is time to take things up the chain of command.

I don't think that enforcing some sort of blanket ban on communicating with the child is the answer, especially if it is coordinated among a group of parents (not sure if that is the case here). That could lead to social exclusion which can indeed be a form of bullying, and that is the last thing this 6-year-old needs. In the OP's shoes, I would have no problem with my child saying something like, "That isn't a nice thing to say. If you're going to talk like that I don't want to play with you right now." But I would have a major problem if a child said, "You're a nasty racist and my mother says I'm not ever allowed to play with you." It sounds as though the OP is contemplating the former approach, not the latter.

I asked Fanjo because your post implied that you either don't believe the OP or don't believe it's racist abuse I was just asking for clarification.
There has been lite talk of this child's victims and a lot of talk about it not being her fault. Even after the OP said that the her own children are mixed race there still more talk about this child's home life than any useful ways the OP could manage how her daughter feels about it.

oh i totally think racist abuse is wrong.

i can assure you of that. I dont think people looking at ways to help child not to be racist is minimising it either.

How do you know the head is doing nothing?There are procedures he/she will have to go through.