to refuse to let bil live with us.

[horriblesil]

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

Oh gosh, I had this but with my own sister and locally.

It was TOUGH. I had huge pressure from social workers to house her, lots of guilt tripping. I knew though her behaviour would probably tear us apart, and put my kids at risk. She would leave gas on, help by taking them out when she can't safely cross roads, have meltdowns, invite very unsuitable people round.... And worse. Without high supervision she was a risk.

The only way for her to access supported housing was to be homeless. I genuinely believe she's happier there, not forced to adapt for us and never getting it right, not a burden but an independent woman with her own means. Things like trips out are organising and there is an on site network of friends. Through the housing support is great. I though had to refuse to house her repeatedly, at all, which was hard emotionally for all. I did once for a few nights and unknowingly knocked her off the list and discharged her from services.

I know I'm still seen badly for abandoning her, but I truely believe being here would have been to her detriment and my children's.

"Twice I have had to arrange care for family members and had to press SS for a solution that worked for everyone."

Which is what the OP wants to do as well. But she won't be able to do this if her BIL comes to live in her home.

the OP is already caring for someone who is disabled, plus two other children. I think people underestimate the effort it takes to deal with the extra needs of a child with disabilities. it is not possible to take on any more responsibility.

Op's "d" h is being unreasonable, though some probably through grief. he can not demand his dw takes on the role of carer. he does not want to abandon his brother but it is not him that will be doing the caring.

the caring will fall to op,
the children will lose time with their mother.
they will lose their own space, this is particularly important when one of the children has a disability themselves.
there will be someone in the house all the time altering the dynamics.
op will most likely have to give up her job to cope. and lose the opportunity to return to work if the needs of her disabled child allow.
the family will lose out on income, and there will be less opportunities for the children.
op will lose her mental health, this will effect the children greatly and potentially have lasting damage. (child of a parent with mental health issues)
bil will be taken away from his familiar routine of day centres/groups etc.
he will be looked after by someone who has not the resources to provide the best, or even barely more than adequate care

the h has been enabled to go out to work and increase his earning potential as op has cared for his children and presumably taken on a lot of the running of the home so he can work longer hours.

he is being very unfair to put the burden on you and your children.

have you thought of asking him how he is going to manage his bils care when he is out at work all day? will he be doing the extra washing, cleaning his room, buying his food, cooking? his primary responsibilities are to his children, yet he has forgotten all about their needs apparently.

I suspect that unless ops dh gets his head together and apologises for his behaviour than the marriage is not going to last anyway. op has been clear from the start that she is not equipped or willingto care for her bil.

One of my grandmothers lived with us for a few years. My dad was self-employed, the bulk of the work fell on my mother, and it nearly broke her. Now my parents are older, and my mother is increasingly infirm, but whenever I attempt to raise the question with my dad he assures me that they have plans, and when they need help they will get it, they do not want me or my sister doing the caring. I think he still feels guilty for what my mother went through looking after his mother.

I'm saddened to thread that, despite the many responses to this thread, only a handful of people have made any reference to what BIL may want. I don't know the level of his impairment but there is a possibility that he is able to communicate his views and he needs to be asked.

I wonder how many of those who think OP is BU have cared full-time for a severely disabled non-child or parent relative? It's a very different dynamic. What a truly horrendous situation for all involved.

NOThorriblesil If there is a SW involved, can you speak to him/her? While your ILs might have shut down discussion of a contingency plan with family, social services may have worked with them to create one. I am assuming that ILs were involved with adult social care in the first place, of course.

Another one here who has walked only a little way in the OP's shoes and wholeheartedly supports her

I took on care for a friend of DH's and despite his insistence that he would help, as the one with the part time job it all fell to me. My life as I knew it was on hold for the best part of two years, until he sadly died. My marriage was under strain and my DCs came second many times. And he wasn't even living with us.

As those who understand the system AND the needs of the BIL and OPs family know, there is no way he will ever be rehoused if he is allowed to come to stay with the OP. And it wouldn't be fair on any of them. The cost of assuaging the DH's guilt and simplifying the BILs housing situation is not a price worth paying.

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP, and I hope that your DH can look at the bigger picture rather than pressuring/scapegoating you.

And to add, I have a cousin who sustained brain damage as an adult in an accident. He still lives with his mother, but has care arrangements in place and as she becomes more infirm these will swing into place. I know thus sounds judgemental, but the OP's in laws and DH have obviously known this day would come, and plans should have been made. If parents were unwilling to discuss this, the DH should have pressed them.

My grandma cared for my brain damaged, severally handicapped uncle for forty years until she no longer was able to do so. She was clearly too frail and depressed to cope but social services continued to refuse to help until she drove to the council office with him one day and left him there. He was in sheltered accommodation by the end of the week, where he thrived.

Pressed send too soon! I meant to add, you have to be tough, it is not abandoning, it is acting with strength and love to provide the best for all of you, including him.

zzzz: We still don't know what Dh said when OP stated she wouldn't do it.

Yes we do. He agreed. It was a dealbreaker 25 years ago, and still is. It's in the first post.

"You say the sky is blue. I say the sky is red. What you really mean is that the sky is on a range of colour between blue and red. Therefore you have not said the sky is blue. Therefore it is red".

Like arguing with a politician, or a 5 year old.

YANBU if your DH is expecting you to be carer. But if he provided a proper carer then I think being compassionate for a few months is part of marriage. You probably need to have a proper conversation about the pitfalls - the strain it would put on you and DC if he lived with you permanently. And your DH must be honest with himself and fair about the impact it would have on your life, if you're the one at home with him all day.

lastlines It's not even about that. The crux of this is that if they remove the bil from his current environment, even for a very short space of time, they won't have a hope in hell of getting him a permanent placement from SS in his home town.

As many have said, of you care for him (even temporarily) services will not have a duty of care for him and will actively fight providing care. Also, if you are out of area, he will loose hhis local links, which may well be held against him in terms of the councils responsibility....

Mythical How did you manage to persuade social services to provide the care needed? Is there a way that the Op hasn't thought of without the abandonning? As I said above we had homicidal aunty (aka a 70 year old retired schoolteacher unable to cope) but I wouldn't recommend that as a route.

Asking him what he wants is all very well, but if staying with the OP is not an option, what is the point of laying it out on the table?

Clam you're right - that is far more important.

Oh God just read you are in Bristol... you will receive no support at all here. Please don't do this op, everything will fall on you. There is no resource in the city for anything and it will push you to the brink, hugs

If you will not be able to cope with your BIL, and you have had the discussion many times with your husband, then anyone who criticises and judges you is an idiot. Your health is the most important thing here, and you know your breaking point.

I've just spoken to dh. He is calmer now. He and I both wanted a more 'reasonable' conversation.

Over the years, whenever I said that I would not have bil living with me because I could not cope with being a carer and did not want that for my life. DH always responded with, I will never turn my back on my brother, but I do understand and would not expect you to. He said that he would ensure that his brother was properly cared for. I would say, as long as that care does not include me.

We have been together for 18 years, married for 13 years. I must have had this conversation with him dozens of times.

When we had children and it turned out our eldest had mild learning issues, I really didn't cope very well. It took years to adjust and I struggle with his tantrums and outbursts. This in itself should prove I am totally correct that I can't cope as a carer of a seriously disabled man, who could outlive me!

I believe that he doesn't want his brother to live with us. He loves his family life and would not want to be tied down with a mentally disabled brother. The odd weekend to stay is fine, but not all the time.

He is being duped by social services.

He said that social services in Bristol are sounding very honest and have ensured that a place for bil will come up quickly and they will work hard to get a place. That bil would really only be coming to stay for a short holiday, rather than we are giving him a place to live.

I don't believe social services at all. Even if they are half honest, I can't risk my mental health and the happiness of my family.

Dh is caught between knowing that I am right but being duped over the phone by social services.

Dh is also under pressure from work. He was supposed to be flying out the Huston on Monday and there was a lot of work that was needed to be done to prepare for that business trip, but he hasn't been in work to get it done. He has been working on his lap top to try to keep on top of it.

He wants to get back into work, he wants me to take over the stress of sorting out the situation with bil. By bringing him home he thinks I will do all the calling and chasing of social services and he wants to believe Bristol social services that they will get a places sorted quickly, although he knows it is bullshit.

Just no. It's the dh's responsibility to sort something out, and not the ops. It's his db, he should sort something out on behalf of his DM who is ill.

It's very unfair for the dh to rely on op to care for bil, especially as they already have a disabled dc to care for.

I do however believe, bil would probably not like being removed from his home town, so would benefit staying in the area, and getting help locally to where bil is located.

Ops dh is being vvvvvvu.

Don't believe SS. I've had dealings with them before when df was ill, and they are just are utterly useless. Well, they were in our case, completely wrong.