to refuse to let bil live with us.

[horriblesil]

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

And in a perfect world, his plan might work. But, as many posters on here have pointed out, the minute you remove him from Bristol, you will be left holding the baton and you won't see SS for dust. You will be fobbed off with endless "there are no places."

But you know this already. Your dh will have to use the Houston trip as leverage. He is travelling away on business and therefore he cannot house his brother and something needs to be put in place before he leaves. No need to even mention you, but if he does, it must be to say you are not an option either. At. All.

I haven't read all thread but I am currently working in social care. There should be a disability/ld organisation based near your bil. They should be able to provide advocacy for him. If not a solicitor should be available he will qualify for legal aid. Put the onus on social Services since he does not have a carer. He will be assessed and either housed or provided a care package to support him.
To ensure a timely response raise a safeguarding alert. There is a potential for harm since his carer is sick. They have to respond in 5 days but your DP must not say there is alternative provision
Your BIL can self fund in a home once he has a full benefits assessment with top up from social service. They won't want to support him at home if he requires 24/7 it's too expensive.
Good luck.

Mythical she is helping find a solution by making SS fulfil their duty

Dh knows that I will not back down at all. He kept calm even upon realising that.

We kind of went through this 14 years ago when his great aunt became senile. She was in sheltered housing and needed greater care. She was putting milk in the oven, money in the tea pot, put the electric kettle on the hob and set a fire etc.

As a family, we asked for her to be moved to a care home. She was wondering out of the sheltered housing and getting lost on the local streets. She was at risk. Social services did nothing at all.

She became ill with an infection that needed antibiotics twice a day. She wasn't lucent enough to remember to take the medicine. The doctor asked us to come in morning and evening to give it. We could have but we said no. This forced the doctor to have her admitted to hospital to ensure the infection was treated.

We knew that she would not be let out of the hospital back into sheltered housing. We were right, she ended up in a care home - but after bed blocking for over a year.

So we have kind of done this before to get the correct help from social services. I reminded him of this and he acknowledged that we will have to put a figurative gun to their head to make them take action.

I am really pissed off with the fact we have to do this type of thing to get the correct care from social services. It is terrible.

Haven't read everything but reasonableness/unreasonableness aside should your BIL be left by himself he may well have a discretionary right if succession to his parents home. In this case it would be a really good idea that your dh supports his brother not to give up the tenancy. It is likely the council would give him a tenancy in a more suitable place and pretty quickly as they would be keen to get a family sized home back. In the meantime what does BIL want?
PM me and I can try and give more specific help

Permanent care can take time to sort out but emergency respite care (pending finding a long term placement) can be done very quickly when necessary - dh needs to tell ss that he is going away, on x date and on that date his db will be alone. They will sort out respite assuming an assessment shows he can't manage on his own.

They will often fund more expensive temporary placements too, as they have to take what's available.

I'm not sure this is all about recent cuts either. I remember about 35 years ago, when my grandfather had had a stroke and was due to come out of hospital, SS putting pressure on my mother to house him with us. Both my parents worked full-time, there were 3 of us teenagers in the house too, no spare bedrooms (and G'Pa couldn't get up stairs anyway, nor was there a bathroom downstairs) and she (SW) looked around the sitting room (the only communal living space in the house) and said, "well, you could put a bed there, instead of the sofa, and have a commode next to it."

My mother said a very firm and clear NO. Not happening.

What a horrible situation for you OP. YANBU - at all! My recent experience of social services hasn't been positive at all. In my case, DF was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the end of January. Social services were of the opinion that me and my two DBs would step in and provide care. The guilt trips were horrendous.

I live 5000 miles away overseas and have two small children. I've been flying back and forth for a week each month but this requires my MIL to come to us and care for my children. DB1 works all over the world and lives 4 hours away when in the UK. Ditto DB2. Social services work on an outdated model, assuming that family live close by and have the time and resources to provide care. And then we had the social worker who sat at the MDT and talked bollocks about when my DF was going to get better. He's at death's door FGS!

In your shoes OP, I would do exactly as you plan to and effectively abandon your BIL to ensure that SS step up. Our situation ended slightly differently as DF qualifies for CHC funding given his condition and is now in a nursing home. However, despite his condition and the fact that he is entitled to this, we had to fight tooth and nail to ensure he got fast track discharge and the right care package was put in place. I can't say I was shocked at just now shit the system is but I pity anyone who has to work their way through the bureaucratic maze that is SS/the NHS in a crisis situation. And I pity people who have no one to advocate for them.

Good luck OP. The best thing you and your DH can do for BIL is ensure you are up to date with current legislation about exactly what he is entitled to and push for that via all agencies available. Make sure you have a paper trail. Don't be afraid to threaten legal action if SS or the NHS miss their own targets. There is a growing industry of solicitors who specialise in cases of this nature - PM me if you need any help in this regard (I'm not a solicitor but had one lined up when everyone was buggering about with DF's package). It's not something I'm proud of but I'm convinced we wouldn't have got DF the care he needed and was entitled to as quickly as we did without being absolutely on the ball and questioning everything.

The.OP is not being cold hearted and lacking in compassion, she is being realistic and sensible.

It is a terrible situation all around, yet it could have been largely avoided if PIL had not neglected to make suitable arrangements for their disabled son.

The OP's husband is grieving for his recently deceased father, anticipating that his mother also doesn't have much longer, and knowing that he must somehow make big decisions regarding the welfare of his brother. Of course he probably isn't thinking straight. Who would be?

Stick to your guns, OP. Do whatever has to be done to get what is needed for your BIL, but do not move him into your house otherwise you will most likely have him there indefinitely.

I have a friend who took in her sister with DS for over 15 years. When she couldn't cope and suggested residential care, her other sister (who had for years said it wasn't a big deal, my friend was at home with kids anyway) went ballistic and said that was ridiculous.

She took the sister with DS into her home - and lasted about six weeks before admitting she couldn't cope and agreeing to look for residential care.

My mum took in my grandad (my dad's dad) and then my granny; in both cases when she said she couldn't manage any more she got abuse from other family members - who didn't offer to take over, but just abused her.

I think the op is right - she can't take on her bil, because if she does she has to commit for the rest of her life, and that isn't feasible.

Tough love now is the only way to manage in the long term.

Are you dealing with the right council as Keynsham is in Bath and north- east somerset. You mention Keynsham and talk about Bristol. It might be worth checking on a map. I know for different things you talk to different people

Side issue - you mentioned that your DH lied to work, and took emergency parental leave. By putting things like where he's meant to be flying out to when, you might be making him recognisable.....

YANBU. We were in a similar situation and I also made it clear before marriage that I would not be the primary carer because that is what it is going to be. If HE wants to do the caring, so be it, but he is volunteering You and that is not fair.

I've similarly told I'm not caring for his parents. Mil in particular is wicked to me and you reap what you sow.

I cannot believe anyone thinks the OP is BU. No-one should be forced into being a carer. It's a monumental task.

YANBU. What sort of care does bil need? Is it supervision or physical help with dressing, bathing, eating etc?

I don't think there is much choice here, for SS to act he has to be in need or at risk.
My parents moved my great aunt in after she had a fall, it took two years for them to put her in a care home. All ss offered was help one hour a day, it wasn't until my own mother had a heart attack they actually acted, even then the pressure to step into my mum's shoes was horrendous, claims it would be short term etc. Given how long we had already been waiting I felt no qualms saying no. It was best all round. Sometimes you need to force ss to act sadly, prove there is genuine need in this case, raise an at risk action. Hugs x

I'm glad that OP and her DH are talking and looking for a solution together. I have never said that the BiL should live with OP, just that he should not be abandoned in his home with a SW while DH legs it home.

The Bank Holiday complicates things, unfortunately but, given my past experience, this is what I would do.

1. Tell SS DH will be returning home on "date" and they will need to take over BiL's care from that non-negotiable date.
2. Don't enter into a debate, tell them that he is their responsibility in law.
3. Explain to BiL that he is not safe on his own and that you are both doing all you can to keep him safe.
4. The day before the date phone the emergency social worker, there is always one on duty and ask what arrangements they have made.
5. If nothing is in place tell them you will deliver him to their offices with a suitcase the next morning and will be making your way home, knowing he is safe in their care.

Hope you got some sleep OP Thinking of you this morning

PS- make sure the rent is paid on the house and do not surrender the tenancy until your DH is happy with the provision for his brother.

Morning. Bil can stay in the council house as he is on the council contract, however, he needs an adult there to care for him. He doesn't need much physical care in terms of washing or getting dressed etc. However, he needs someone to cook, clean, manage bills, drive him to places etc.

Bil is worried about his mum and cried on dh saying he wants to stay in his house (he has lived there for 15 years). He knows that his mum and dad can't be there with him and wants his brother to live with him in his house in Bristol and look after him. However, he wants to keep going to his clubs and social groups too. Bil suggested that dh live in Bristol and go and visit me and the children regularly!

This is not going to happen. Therefore, bil will be upset either way as he won't be able to stay in his house or have his brother care for him. He doesn't really understand that.

Dh said to me last night that he told social services that he had to go back to work on Monday and that they needed to sort something out by Friday of next week, that is 4 working days. They haven't come back yet with a date to see any homes etc.

In our conversation last night I said to dh to phone them first thing on Tuesday morning. Even he said that if they don't come back with a meeting till Thursday or Friday it shows they are full of crap when they say that we would only be looking after bil for a 'short holiday'.

He does know that bil can't come here. He wants me to make it easier for him and agree.

Jasmine or Yasmin might sit nicely

It sounds like your eh is getting it. Hope it all works out for all of you.

I'm glad that you have a plan. It seems to me that your DH panicked and then you dug yourself into a trench. It's good that you are now working together.