Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 05/04/2015 22:03

A really sad situation, no easy answer. But I thought this was unfair:

"I feel very sorry for the OP's dh too, but I suspect that he has done a few days of caring for his brother and has had enough of it and wants to offload it onto the OP."

From OP's previous posts it sounds like he had no choice but to go back to work. Poor bloke must be under unbearable pressure, plus FIL just died and MIL is dying.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/04/2015 22:03

Yanbu OP, and pretty much everyone who's said otherwise in this thread is either hopelessly naive, an obnoxious cunt, hasn't RTFT or some combination thereof. I say this as someone with a disabled sibling who stands a decent chance of outliving both parents, btw.

clam · 05/04/2015 22:04

Heyduggee The OP recognises that her bil's best interests will be served by getting a placement where he currently lives. That's not being "me, me, me."
Her dh is only able to go out to work because the OP enables him to by caring for their kids.
And HE is the one who is dictating what she can/cannot do, by insisting that she cares for his brother as he can't/won't.

expatinscotland · 05/04/2015 22:06

'OP, your husband isn't financially responsible for you and he won't be should you decide to divorce.'

A court of law may well determine he is after 20 years of marriage, and he certainly is for their 3 children, particularly as she gave up her career to look after their children, thus enabling his own earnings to rise.

Box5883284322679964228 · 05/04/2015 22:08

Heyduggie - the choice boils down to either the brother being successfully placed in a home or OP's marriage breaking down and OP having a nervous break down.

Maycausesideeffects · 05/04/2015 22:10

OP stay strong. Your main concern is your health and ability to look after your own children. You are their primary carer. They are your number one priority not BIL. Do not be guilt tripped by other posters, DH and SS.

MythicalKings · 05/04/2015 22:12

Where is the compassion for BiL? He is at the centre of this. He's lost his father and will soon lose his mother. OP wants the only other person in his life to abandon him. BiL isn't an inconvenient bundle. He has feelings and is probably very afraid. At least his brother realises this.

I agree with the person saying that OP is all me, me, me. Why isn't she helping her bereaved OP come to terms with the tragedy in the family? Why isn't she helping him instead of ordering him to dump his brother.

If she feels she can't care for him, which is understandable, then she should be helping to find a solution that doesn't involve her DH abandoning his DB. Running away is not a solution.

My heart is heavy for everyone involved but heaviest for two brothers who have lost their father and will soon lose their mother.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/04/2015 22:13

So what's your solution Mythical?

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/04/2015 22:14

Op, YADNBU

Stick to saying no. If your marriage doesn't survive this crisis it is still better for you to refuse to care for BIL because at least you would still have the strength to care for your DC if the worst happens, rather than being the physical and emotional wreck that most carers become.

Your PIL are the ones at fault here, not you. They should have made proper provision for their son's future.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/04/2015 22:14

What do you imagine such a solution might be, mythicalkings? Given the way the system works, it's not immediately obvious. In all seriousness, if you have any ideas I bet OP would be delighted to hear them.

clam · 05/04/2015 22:14

"then she should be helping to find a solution"

But she is! She's told her dh very clearly that the only way to get SS to step in is not to bring his brother back to their house for a period of time. This is the best course of action.

bigbluebus · 05/04/2015 22:14

Clearly those of you who think the OP is being unreasonable have never a) cared for an adult with LD or b) had any dealings with SS.

As a carer of my own disabled adult DD, I would never expect my other children to take care of her if anything happened to us. It is a 24/7 job, physically demanding as well as mentally - and part of that is just dealing with 'the system' not doing the actual caring.

If OPs DH had not gone running down to Bristol to care for his brother when his DM was admitted to hospital, then his brother would have been housed by now - even if only temporarily. Adult Social Care have a duty to care for vulnerable adults - it is not the duty of the OP, her DH or even the MIL. If one of them chooses to take that role on (which MIL did until she was ill) then that is a bonus for SS, but there is no obligation by any party to take care of the LD adult except Social Care. The only people with a legal duty are Social Care.

OP I think you are absolutely making the right decision. It is not in your BIL best interests to move in with you as he clearly has activities set up where he lives and he should not lose that network. Neither do I think it would be in your familys best interests either. Sadly, this situation is not uncommon. I have a close friend whose sister will be left in this exact position as she is still living at home with elderly parents who have made no provision for her care upon their demise - they just expect siblings to pick up the pieces even though a)they don't live in the same area as their parents/disabled sibling b) their houses are unsuitable and c) they all work full time and could not therefore be full time carers.

tiggytape · 05/04/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SusanIvanova · 05/04/2015 22:19

I remember how hard being a carer is. YANBU OP. Your husband has moved the goalposts because he is scared for his brother and grieving his parents. However that does not make you responsible for your BiL.

travertine · 05/04/2015 22:20

Hard as it is and I know the op's husband is in a hard place the children have to come first. I completely agree with the op for every reason already stated. And having been homeless with a council that didn't want to help, so can't see the bil being a priority and having worked in care homes where it never stops despite no special needs I think taking emotions out of it why is the does the bil become more important? I would put my family unit first.

Maycausesideeffects · 05/04/2015 22:21

OP has her own three children to care for and they need to be her priority. Plus she has her own job. Are people really expect the OP to make such big sacrifices because selfish PIL did not do any forward planning on this matter?

catsmother · 05/04/2015 22:21

Why the fuck is it 'abandoning' BIL by taking measures to ensure he is placed in a home where his needs can best be taken care of by professionals who have been trained to do so ? - unlike OP. In an environment which has the space and facilities to offer BIL, and people with similar disabilities, the best opportunity of living contented and fulfilling lives - unlike the OP's home where space is limited etc.

This emotive language misses the point, is goady and spiteful.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 05/04/2015 22:23

YANBU OP.

Bloody hell there are some sanctimonious and naive posters here. It sure is easy to pontificate about how you would do things from the comfortable position of knowing it would never, ever happen.

MythicalKings · 05/04/2015 22:25

Those who assume I know nothing about this sort of situation couldn't be more wrong. Twice I have had to arrange care for family members and had to press SS for a solution that worked for everyone. I am also the guardian of an adult with SNs and would be the person to step in if his parents were no longer livings and he needed support. Naive? I don't think so.

RoboticSealpup · 05/04/2015 22:26

I have only read the first page but...

YANBU. Not even a little bit, in my opinion. BIL living with you would be unlikely to be in anyone's best interest. Your BIL is an adult and has the right to be as independent as he can be. Relying on paid support staff to help him live his life the way he chooses is not the same as relying on the goodwill of a family member and living in their home. In fact, coming to live with your family is likely to infantilise him, as you are not a care professional and do not have the knowledge or the time to provide truly person-centred care.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/04/2015 22:26

That's not a solution Mythical.

clairemum22 · 05/04/2015 22:27

You are not being horrible, it is not your fault that social services are making you play this game. You have always made it clear that you could not look after your bil. I hope you find a solution that provides the best outcome for all of your family. Flowers

Maycausesideeffects · 05/04/2015 22:29

But the OP has never agreed to that role and informed DH many moons ago that it was a no-go. OP is NBU it is the DH who is being naive that OP would cave in at the appropriate time. (Just like the PILs who probably thought it would all just be okay)

paulapantsdown · 05/04/2015 22:30

Speaking as someone who has a severely disabled sibling and actually understands what the OP is actually facing here - I really wish the posters who have no fucking experience/clue would piss off with their opinions.

RoboticSealpup · 05/04/2015 22:32

Oh and I do not mean to suggest that you in any way should be able to do this, either! Care work is called "work" for a reason. It's hard and comes with a whole range of ethical and philosophical dilemmas. As parents we know how tough it can be to be the guardian of a child. Well, an adult with a disability is not a child and it can be really difficult to strike the right balance between guidance/support and a grown-up person's right to autonomy (which we all have, irrespective of disability).