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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
clam · 05/04/2015 21:31

HairyPotter the crucial difference in your scenario is that a) it was your own brother you were caring for, and b), you were asking your dh to support you in what YOU were doing, not telling him HE was going to be doing all the work while you carried on with your life relatively unscathed.

Big difference.

Box5883284322679964228 · 05/04/2015 21:31

Placing BIL alone in a crisis situation in the hands of social workers will be productive. One days worth of crisis is worth everyone's sanity and the right place/support for BIL. Even if they temporarily find a placement, then assess things properly and rehouse him, it will be worth the shoe term upheaval.

Your BIL has to work to provide for his family. The longer he stays there, the longer social services will draw things out, relying on DH to provide free care.

But also I imagine DH is at his wits end. Death, illness and rehoming is a lot to deal with.

zzzzz · 05/04/2015 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 05/04/2015 21:33

HairyPotter - who cared for your DB, you or your DH? The OP is quite clear, it'll be her job, and she doesn't want to do it. She won't be enabling her DH to do it, she'd be doing it.

18 months is a long time to spend caring for someone that you don't want to.

catsmother · 05/04/2015 21:34

worridmum - YOU are completely out of order, and accusations about the OP being a 'bitch' are ignorant in the extreme.

Your attack on her is bitchy in fact.

How would it serve the BIL's best interests if he's uprooted from an area he's familiar with, where he socialises etc., to somewhere unknown to him, where his needs cannot be adequately catered for - and where, indeed, the OP's lack of experience might actually mean she'd unwittingly do him more harm than good ? Meanwhile, OP is driven to a breakdown - yeah sure - someone whose own mental health is shattered is going to make a real good carer isn't she ...... and in turn, her kids suffer - the whole bloody household descends into chaos, resentment, upset - where no-one is happy and everyone suffers.

Do you REALLY think that's how things should be ?

How dare you come on here and throw your pathetic and naiive barbs at someone who's facing a turmoil of emotional blackmail, mixed feelings (because she's NOT a bitch and I'm sure appreciates far far more than you do her family dynamics) and the devastation of underfunded social care - the sort of nightmare where there are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers ...... where, whatever happens next, her relationship is very likely to suffer to a greater or lesser degree ......

Do you, in your self righteous ignorance, get a buzz from kicking someone when they're down ?

missnevermind · 05/04/2015 21:34

Op I think you have it right. Call the socal worker to come to the house and have DH explain as he is putting his coat on that DMil is in hospital and DBro cannot be left alone. Let him say pleasant goodbyes to his brother. He is not abandoning him in a ditch. He is ensuring somebody else is there to take over as he has to retur to work.

Greenrememberedhills · 05/04/2015 21:34

I agree. This is not just about providing house space- it is about becoming a carer- which is a big job. A very big job. A job many people find tough when they are paid to do it, without three children to care for simultaneously.

Even if you had never had an agreement in advance, it isn't fair for your H to think he has a right to expect this of you. He does not.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/04/2015 21:34

Caring for your own children is a completely different situation to caring for an adult who isn't a blood relative, regardless of the level of need.

ahbollocks · 05/04/2015 21:36

Your dh will need time OP. He wont wake up tomorrow saying you're right darling. Be prepared for that. You just hold steady and perhaps try to sort some childcare out for a few days to give you some thinking space

Marynary · 05/04/2015 21:36

YANBU. I feel quite angry on your behalf that you have been put in this position. You PIL should have sorted out care for him as they got older. One of my friends was in a similar position and she argued with her parents for years about it particularly as she would research and look around care homes for her brother. Eventually he did go into a home (when her mother was in hospital) and he was actually much happier.

Anyway, I am sure that your DH is just panicking at the moment. He needs to make it very clear that this is an emergency and that he has to go to work on Monday.

soapboxqueen · 05/04/2015 21:37

I think there are a few people on this thread who are fooling themselves as to the gravity of a caring role. It isn't like a giant sleep over or having a house guest. It's a massive undertaking.

If the bil comes to stay, ss won't do anything. End of. He'll be housed and cared for and that'll do them nicely. You need to play hard to get what's right.

You are not being unreasonable OP.

CrapBag · 05/04/2015 21:37

YANBU OP.

It's a huge responsibility and you have been more than upfront about the fact yo are not willing to do the caring. Your DH's reaction is worrying, I am guessing he thought he could get you to change your mind.

When you say about calling SS and telling your DH to leave when they arrive, do you think he will actually do that? Given his reaction at the moment I can't see it happening.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 05/04/2015 21:38

MrsTerry has hit the nail on the head. I don't agree about SS, wholly, they don't exactly go out of their way to help. Then again I have my own grips with them.

But it takes a special kind of person to care full time for a relative. Not whey can do it, and those who do are pushed beyond anything. We should never behave as if it's not a big deal, to 'just get on with it'. It is not something you can just get on with. It is ok to say 'I can't fo it', even before you try. In fact, it will spare a lot of pain to say no.

HairyPotter · 05/04/2015 21:40

Clam yes I realise that. I was sharing my experiences. I can completely sympathise wth both of them but obviously I relate more to the dh. He must be in turmoil as well.

clam · 05/04/2015 21:40

I feel very sorry for the OP's dh too, but I suspect that he has done a few days of caring for his brother and has had enough of it and wants to offload it onto the OP. She's reminded him that she won't do it, so he's panicking and chucking his toys out of the pram.

But I'd give him a bit of rope on this, as he must be under huge strain. Although that does NOT mean giving in to his demands.

Babymamamama · 05/04/2015 21:44

Stick to your guns. It will be better for him to be accommodated where he has his local networks rather than cross country with you. Less traumatic for him as well as fewer moves. Let the local authority accommodate him but get dh and yourself to support as much as you can for him to move into a supported accommodation which is what it sounds like he will need.

bimandbam · 05/04/2015 21:46

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has already been suggested.

Check your bils rights regarding the council house he is currently in. His rights of succession in the event of death of the tenants named on the ast and theresponsibilities of the council.

The way I understood our local policy when helping a friend who had just lost her mum the council can't just say that he is to leave the house and make him homeless. The accommodation must be suitable for his needs.

Yanbu for not taking him in for lots of reasons.

Allalonenow · 05/04/2015 21:47

YANBU
The way SS is organized it would be very difficult for the authority where he is now living to arrange care for BIL after he had been moved to your home (in a different authotity).
So your husband's plan for BIL to live temporarily with you is basically flawed, and in practice BIL could be with you for a long time.

GnomeDePlume · 05/04/2015 21:50

Social Services have limited resources. Essentially this is a test. Is there an alternative to social service care? You (your DH) have to demonstrate that there isnt an alternative.

The default setting is that Social Services are not involved. This has been the situation up until now. Now your DH needs to show that the situation has changed.

This isnt the time for pussy-footing around. This isnt the time for your DH to be trying to look like the good guy.

Doing the best for his DB isnt the obvious in the sense of just stepping in to replace his parents. Doing the best for DB is ensuring that there is a long term solution in place. Counter-intuitively putting a short-term solution (DBiL comes to stay with you) in place will jeaopardise the long-term solution as Social Services will see the short-term solution as the long-term one.

GettingEggyWithIt · 05/04/2015 21:51

Another one who thinks YANBU and that a crisis does indeed need to be manufactured.
All the sanctimonious posters on here (bar one who wasn't judgy and has the t-shirt) need to
a) be fully aware of how ss work and
b) act as carers themselves for 18 months
then come back and make their oh so bloody compassionare comments.
Sorry for you OP. x

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2015 21:51

Caring for your own children is a completely different situation to caring for an adult who isn't a blood relative, regardless of the level of need

^^This.

OP, I feel very sorry for the situation you are in. I hope your husband listens to you.

HeyDuggee · 05/04/2015 21:52

OP, your husband isn't financially responsible for you and he won't be should you decide to divorce.

If it is completely your decision whether or not you become a carer for BIL, it's also completely your DH's decision if he does want to become a carer for your BIL.

All I see from your posts are me me me. Your DH supports all of you financially yet you write as if he is at your mercy and you get to dictate to him what he can and cannot do. Or else.

What do you think might happen if you threaten divorce to a man who is losing both sets of his parents and feels like his sibling too?

clam · 05/04/2015 21:58

"All I see from your posts are me me me. Your DH supports all of you financially yet you write as if he is at your mercy and you get to dictate to him what he can and cannot do. Or else."

Hmm Eh? Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us?

FryOneFatManic · 05/04/2015 21:58

HeyDuggee The OP is not being me, me, me.

Do you expect the OP to sacrifice her mental health? Her children's health and wellbeing? When one of her children has additional needs?

Do you agree that it's right for the OP's DH to force the OP into caring for her BIL, with all his additional needs? In circumstances that would NOT be in the BIL's best interests?

You are naive.

championnibbler · 05/04/2015 22:01

YANBU.
if your DH won't listen to you, then you must consult your solicitor and make preparations for a divorce.
your BIL is not your responsibility.
your DH is a dickhead for doing this to you.