Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
Box5883284322679964228 · 07/04/2015 12:42

Heels I have worked a long side SS for years. They will often only step in when things hit crisis. They will be able to place BIL Friday but it will be a stop gap. They will try and get away with sending carers in to cover a few hours first though. OP needs a good case as to why this won't work.

PeachyPants · 07/04/2015 12:42

Sadly I think people assume because of our own experiences with these kinds of dealings with SS, true I don't know whether in this case no suitable place is available anywhere in the country but my educated guess is that there will be but that ss are under massive financial pressures to keep people out of the system which means pushing the burden onto families.

MsAR · 07/04/2015 12:47

OP, what a heartbreaking situation. I think you're doing a fantastic job and can't imagine how stressful it must be. Stay strong! Lots of people are thinking of you. Hopefully this will all be sorted out relatively quickly now you're involved with SS.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 07/04/2015 12:54

You're doing really well OP. I posted on another thread yesterday about our own dire experiences with SS and I can well believe what happened during your conversation. The thing is, there WILL be somewhere for BIL to go, as PPs have mentioned. There's always something. It's just going to cost SS and they don't want to pay. If there's nothing in their regular homes, they'll have to use a private (expensive) facility. This is what they're trying to avoid by putting pressure on your family.

As I mentioned on the other thread, a relative used to work in SS (very senior) and then set up his own company which went on to investigate all manner of SS failures when he retired. He made a fortune carrying out independent investigations into SS fuck ups (and I mean the kind that make the papers, go to court etc). All of this costs way way more than if SS just do their job properly in the first place. And that's without counting the human cost of abuse/neglect/pain etc that has already occurred by this point. The mind boggles when it comes to SS decision making and 'priorities'. And said relative himself despairs of the state of SS 'these days'...

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 13:06

'I really think he could bring him back to the South East with him rather than have 'carers' call in on him a few times a day.'

Then you need to tell him, now, that that is a dealbreaker. He brings him back, and it means you are through. And mean it.

Because you have told him, over and over and over, that you will not be a carer for his brother. He is still trying to force you to.

Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 13:07

Hi. Heals 99, that is EXACTLY what I am worried about. Social services seemed soooooo convincing on the phone that there were no places. I know now why dh was so freaking out about what on earth will happen when he has to go back to work.

I am hoping that social services will have to find a private home and pay for that instead. I didn't have that conversation with them. However, I will be spending time googling local(ish) private homes for disabled adults. If there are spaces, I will be emailing social services the details. If they truly do have to pay for a private home as a stop gap till a state home becomes available; well then, they will HAVE to.

I will get this information and then email bill's MP via They Work For You.com. I will get them involved too.

If asked, Bil will say that he wants dh to look after him at home (in Bristol). He won't want to move in to a home. Therefore, asking bil is kind of against what I want as a family. Bil CANT have what he wants.

I'm not sure what bil will say if social services ask him if he wants to come back to the South East with his brother. He has never been here.

I have told social services that I have 3 children and I work part time and one of my children is registered disabled. It fell on deaf ears. What they heard was that I am out of the house for 3 hours a day, which bil can cope with and I have a 4 bed house so there is plenty of room.

I will leave home if dh comes home with bil. I will take my dc with me. I will stay in a hotel. I reckon I can pay for at least 1 month in a hotel, nearly 2 months. Dh can't stay off work for a month, therefore, I can hold my breath longer than him!!! He knows this because I have told him.

Social services plan B will be to have carers come in for 10 mins 4 times a day. However, bil will be alone overnight and he gets really scared. He was attacked locally about 2 years ago and he get very frightened. I have told social services this.

I have put all this in an email to them (other than about the private home as I hadn't thought about that).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 13:08

He brings him to the S. East and that's the end of the line. You will be his carer. The crisis is here.

I would prepare to walk. Your own children are your priority.

HairyPotter · 07/04/2015 13:10

We were told that my db would be put up in a homeless unit as there were no suitable spaces in care homes. This was 20 miles from us and was full of drug addicts and ex cons. No judgement by the way. Just stating facts. We took him home with us where he stayed for 18 months. He was deemed fit to live alone with support and tbh, his level of disability sounds very like your bil so don't be surprised if a home isn't an option further down the line.

He was eventually allocated a council one bed house where he has bloody useless carers in. It's far from ideal but there simply is no other option.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 07/04/2015 13:12

I too would prepare to walk, and tell both DH and SS that was my intention.

It sounds harsh but residential is what BIL needs and he won't get it if you take him in. Not to mention the needs of your own disabled DC, and the risk BIL poses to your DC, which have to come first.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 13:13

'I will leave home if dh comes home with bil. I will take my dc with me. I will stay in a hotel. I reckon I can pay for at least 1 month in a hotel, nearly 2 months. Dh can't stay off work for a month, therefore, I can hold my breath longer than him!!! He knows this because I have told him.'

Make sure your DH knows this. Because otherwise, he will bring his brother and then go away for work. And guess who will be looking after his brother then?

This needs to be made abundantly clear to him. You bring him here and I will leave with the children.

He doesn't want to be a carer for his brother, he wants you to be.

Hang onto your job, too. Worst comes to worst, you can claim tax credits (which will be slightly higher since you have a disabled child).

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 13:15

I would not start sorting out private accommodation and emailing it to them. That's their job.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 07/04/2015 13:23

Just a practicalbpoint: until the General Election, you don't officially have an MP and I don't think they would be able to deal with correspondence at the moment. One of the first things a new MP is presented with is the sacks of letters that have come in over the campaign.

19lottie82 · 07/04/2015 13:25

expat I think the emailing is just to prove that they are talking nonsense, there ARE places out there, it's just that the SS don't want to pay for them.

BoyScout · 07/04/2015 13:27

I actually think that your DH's idea of going back to work and handing the situation over to you is a good one. You're not clouded by emotion in the way he is and you can filter what you tell him so it lessens his guilt. He should definitely go to Houston as well.

Inertia · 07/04/2015 13:31

You're doing the right thing. You are refusing to have your BIL come to live with you, because you acting as a carer for him would be wrong for your own children, your health, your marriage, and your BIL. Your BIL needs support from professional carers. You are already caring for your children, one of whom has a disability.

If BIL comes to you now, he will be off SS's case list and he will never get the help he needs. You would be doing him a huge disservice by making him invisible to SS.

You need to tell SS in writing that you are unable to have BIL at your house for any length of time, that your DH will be leaving Bath on Saturday and then leaving the country, and it is their legal responsibility to provide care for BIL.

PrimalLass · 07/04/2015 13:34

A holiday cottage may be cheaper and easier than a hotel, if there are any close.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 13:40

'Oh, also, social services said that it may be that bil stays in the house and has carers call in on him throughout the day.'

The other issue is that he will soon be eligible for only a 1-bed home or face the bedroom tax if no overnight carer is there. 8 weeks after occupancy decreases (e.g., your MIL no longer abides there), the bedroom tax comes into play.

That area has a very long list of homeless families who need 2+ bedroom property.

The council will want to get their hands on that property, especially if it is a house or a ground-floor flat.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 13:45

'Social services said that it wasn't the case and they would continue to look for a placement. They said that they had told my husband that and it shouldn't be too long.'

No, they won't. He will be off their books. Adequately housed and cared for elsewhere. Any breakdown in his care will the responsibility of the South East.

He is in an area of extreme pressure on resources, particularly housing, as it is a very expensive area.

JsOtherHalf · 07/04/2015 13:51

chrome://external-file/moving_into_a_care_home.pdf

CoffeeBeanie · 07/04/2015 13:59

OP, I would be so cross with my DH in your shoes. I understand he is in a terrible situation, but he has let this happen, watching his parents growing old with no provision for their disabled son.
Your DH has been sticking his head in the sand, just like his parents.

I would follow through with moving out if he really brings Bil back to yours. Tell your DH, you are NOT going to be BIL's carer.

To be quite honest, I don't know what future there would be for the family unit. Your DH has known for years this situation would arise, and you always made it clear you won't be involved. I'd be livid.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/04/2015 14:02

OP, I understand this both from your DH's point of view and from yours. I have had caring responsibilities for one of my elder siblings my whole life. It's waxed and waned over the years (from very full-on, to more detatched, back to full-on) but it's always there.

I have expended a great deal of time, money and effort - and huge, huge amounts of emotional and physical stress - to helping them manage their life (and fixing matters when they can't) and I love them. But I would never, ever be willing to have them move into my home. My DS comes first, as does my own sanity - and I've already given up enough of that to help them over the years.

Perhaps you could also pitch this to your DH as a practical matter which would be best for his brother, as well as for all of you? Ie that change is going to be difficult for him, uncertainty even more so, and if they move BiL into your house then move him out again and an undetermined date, that will make it worse for him.

Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 14:31

Bil lives in a 3 bed house in Keynsham. Mil left for hospital less than 2 weeks ago.

I thought the bedroom tax didn't apply if you had a disabled person living there?

He really can't stay alone over night. He would be very scared. I've put this in the email.

I just called social services again. I left a message as the person was unavailable. I'm keeping the pressure on.

OP posts:
KenAdams · 07/04/2015 14:35

What a horrible situation OP, I really hope you get something sorted soon.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 14:35

'I thought the bedroom tax didn't apply if you had a disabled person living there?'

Nope, it still applies.

Swipe left for the next trending thread