to refuse to let bil live with us.

[horriblesil]

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP, you may sound like a 'heartless bitch' to some of the posters here but what you are doing is totally REASONABLE. You have to be hard as nails to get the support BIL is legally entitled to.

I think it is wrong for anybody to be blaming you for not being able to take on a full-time carer role. However some of the abuse towards your DH is also unreasonable; he is grieving x2 and dealing with an incredible amount of stress, of course he isn't going to be thinking logically or behaving rationally.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing and just have to hang tough. SS will try and push you to the edge but ultimately the legal duty is on THEM and they must meet it. This will also be better for BIL in the long run as he will get to stay in his local area and live an independent (as possible) life without being a burden.

The only thing comment I thought OP made was wrong was the bit about BIL being an income generator for PIL. But I imagine that comment comes out because of the anger towards the PIL for not planning for this situation years ago; they have dumped everybody in the shit by refusing to plan for this day.

It's easy to do though eyebags, because you love your child and even though it's hard you don't want them to leave home - particularly if they're vulnerable.

But then I think about how that would affect them - being that vulnerable - to be made homeless and have all that upheaval thrown on them immediately after losing their parents and I can't do that. I have to make sure they're ok first before I go.

Some people can't make that leap, though.

I agree its most likely the parents looked after their son because they lived him and believed he was best places with them. Any carers allowance is really quite minimal and it's hardly freeloading as he needed lots of support. Relatives as carers save the state millions of pounds.

Loved, not lived

YANBU, but equally I would never forget this if I were your husband. Which puts you in an invidious position. Sorry OP. I hope things work out for everyone concerned.

I've been following this thread but haven't posted as I don't have any real advice to add but just wanted to say I really feel for you, your DH and his DB. I hope things work out for the best and that your BIL gets the right care placement near where he lives so that his social network can remain in tact.

3 years ago, my granparents (Granddad GD and Grandma GM) lived together in a 2 up 2 down house.

My Grandad was a big, huge man, at least 23 stone. My grandma was a teeny tiny wee thing. She had also had the shit kicked out of her by him for years, and only when they were older had the abuse become verbal rather than physical. She was such a lovely person and she never left the house, my GD did all teh shopping etc. Her only respite was if he went out to do the shopping or went upstairs to watch sport in the bedroom.

Then, my GD had an illness that damaged his spine and meant he was paralysed from the waist down

SS plan was that the front / main room would become their bedroom, and the upstairs room would be a 'spare / front' room.

His carer? That would be my 70 -odd year old teeny tiny petrified GM.

Only on the morning when my GD was due to be brought home and when my parents had arranged to take my GM to move into our house (the dining room!) , and my dad rang teh ss worker and pointed out all the above and said 'take him home, but there is no one there to move him or wah him' did the planget dropped.

You have to be brutal and mean what you plan for SS to listen and respond.

OP, as you've said, your BIL could easily outlive you and your husband. Does your husband think one of the children (preferably a female) should take over the care then?

Your ILs have badly let down their two sons. Your BIL should have been living independently for years; they could have visited him regularly and he would have become used to living away from home, with their regular visits. Your husband could then have taken on visiting every month or so and everyone would have been fine.

YANBU. DS2 is disabled and the last thing I want is for either of his siblings to take care of him when I'm gone. It sounds like your BIL will be much happier staying where he is - and the only way to get that is to play the system, unfortunately. Not to mention your duty of care to your kids, your marriage, and the small matter of your sanity. Stay strong and go with your head thinking. And get a solicitor involved.

Dieu Mon 06-Apr-15 13:27:28
YANBU, but equally I would never forget this if I were your husband.

Her husband had better not do this to his wife. She made it clear from day 1 that she didn't have the resources to look after BIL, and her husband has been as guilty as his parents in sticking his head in the sand.

Unless the husband is now talking to his wife reasonably, it still looks to me as is he's trying to shift the responsibility onto his wife, whether in the actual looking after or in sorting stuff out for BIL to live a life in Bristol.

PS To put it bluntly - it is not in the best interests of either set of dependents - the BIL, or the DC (especially since one is disabled) for him to move in with you. So you need to fight for the alternative solution. Him coming for a "holiday" with you will put him to the bottom of the queue and quite probably remove that option. Also I suggest telling whoever is handling your case that you will be taking legal advice on their suggestion of the "holiday" and how that impacts your BIL's rights/case.

I actually get the point about BIL being an income generator for PILs, it's similar with my family. My adult disabled sibling is absolutely better off with my DPs than in residential care, and they'd do it even without the money, but equally the ESA, DLA and CA combined adds up to about 1k a month. Which is convenient given that my carer DP would have issues holding down full time employment due to health, but definitely wouldn't qualify for any sickness benefits themself.

This isn't a criticism or benefit bashing. My sibling functions at a similar level to an infant school child and needs someone in the home at all times, as well as escorting to various medical appointments. It's much cheaper for the state to do it this way than supply full time residential care, and it sounds like the same is true for OPs family too. It's just that sometimes, the arrangement also yields pleasant financial advantages for a family as well, my own DPs would have very little if my sibling weren't the way she is. This doesn't detract from the fact that plenty of other families with a disabled person and a carer are at absolute financial breaking point. It depends totally on the circumstances.

I agree that bringing your BIL to your house will be a permanent solution so far as SS are concerned. They are so starved of funds these days that they will accept any alternative to their having to take responsibility for him.

My stepFIL has advanced Alzheimers, has physically attacked my 80 year old MIL (who has had 2 strokes), and is totally incapable of living without full time care.
They picked him up in the middle of town in a very distressed state and took him to hospital. It was obvious to everyone that MIL can no longer care for him and he needs residential care.
SS put immense pressure on her to take him back home. He's now back home with her.

Someone suggested that you go and deal with SS - is that possible? It would be much easier for you to leave BIL in their care and you'd be far less easily swayed by their emotional blackmail.
I think your DH is going to need some help and emotional support from you in order to do this - SS will tell him he's abandoning his brother - they had the nerve to quote MIL's marriage vows at her!

It's a nice thought your DH has about shopping for care homes with BIL. This is not how it works unless you are the ones buying care. Fact is that SS will assess BIL's needs and get him the care that meets them the most cheaply, where there are vacancies. Bear in mind that care can cost thousands per week so they can't give everyone what they want just hopefully what they need. I have 'shopped' for care with a person with LDs but not in an emergency placement.

I agree with the person up-thread who said that if BIL can dress himself and care generally for himself, they might suggest care in his home. That is much cheaper, obviously. Your DH has to tell them this will cause distress, he will be violent, tell them about prior incidents. Make sure these are documented.

Does DH have copies of BIL's assessments/paperwork if there is any?

OP do you have any concerns about how your BIL would be with your DC given that he has been aggressive/bitten people from social services in the past? Has your BIL been to stay at your house before because having you visiting him in his home for a few hours may be a very different proposition to him staying with you in a different environment with boisterous children.

My cousin came to live with us when I was 11, he was about 18 I think. Both his parents were dead and he'd been in a residential school until that point. Once he became an adult it was either he come to live with us or go into an instituion. Previously he used to come for school holidays only.

He had multiple disabilities and meant that after he came, my mum had no time for me whatsoever. No parents evenings, school plays, shopping trips, nothing. As an adult now I can understand why my mum took him but as a child I was terribly hurt and resentful and even now I feel that I'm not as close to my mum as I would have been.

It also destroyed her health, having a to lift a grown man several times a day - there wasn't much help even back in those days and certainly no specialist equipment etc.

Don't do it. For the sake of your children.

Horrible .your hubby can get care guardianship of his brother .this is done through the courts .It just lets your hubby say where he would like his brother to live that sort of thing.it costs minimul to set up .He will not get power of attorney because you must be of sound mind at the time to grant someone this .this is where the guardianship order comes into place .

I apologise if i sounded harsh earlier but as the mother of an handicapped child soon to be a man you just get het up .

People on this thread who thing OP will only have the BIL for a few weeks then SS will suddenly find a place for him are so bloody naive.

Why do you think the NHS is in a crisis with people needing places to live and be cared for? Because if they're placed somewhere, be that with family or in a hospital [i]they aren't going to be priority[/i].

Oops, other forum formating there.

YANBU. I totally understand that your DH wants to ensure his brother is cared for, however unless he is volunteering to take a 6 month sabbatical from work to become his carer, he is being grossly unfair to try to guilt you into taking on this responsibility.

He needs to think about how your BiL would feel about leaving his home area too. I assume that neither of you have the specialist training to deal with his brothers condition and I'm that neither of you know or understand his medications and usual daily routine. It's highly likely that BiLs needs have changed significantly since your DH last lived at the family home and he may be underestimating the challenges of becoming his full time carers.

Are there other family members that could pitch into a care rota and/or help with costs of bringing in caters to help look after BiL?

'I think your DH is going to need some help and emotional support from you in order to do this - SS will tell him he's abandoning his brother -'

This. This needs to be made abundantly clear to him. They will guilt him, blackmail him. There can be no 'short holiday'.

Do you people know every social worker then?! "They will guilt him." What complete and utter bollocks.

'Are there other family members that could pitch into a care rota and/or help with costs of bringing in caters to help look after BiL?'

How many people have this? And how many people have spare money and time to 'pitch in' to care for an adult who needs someone there all the time? The OP and her spouse, his only sibling, live on the other side of the country.

It's an outdated notion that most people have this network of family around who have money and time to take on caring roles.

Seriously, OP, there can be no 'short holiday'.

He cannot come to yours at all until all this is sorted out and he is officially moved elsewhere, or SS will do FA.

'What complete and utter bollocks.'

Yes, they are already feeding him utter bollocks with the ol' 'take him to yours for a short holiday. We will work hard to get him a place. They come up quickly.'

Anyone who believes that, I have an oceanfront property in Nevada I think you might be interested in purchasing.