to refuse to let bil live with us.

[horriblesil]

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

I think you will need to force the issue, he will be placed in temporary care, then found something more permanent. Your DH can help with which permanent placement he should have. The initial temporary placement will be pot luck.

In your shoes I'd email the SW and explain that regrettably you are unable to house BIL in your home even as a temporary measure. Id then have no more contact with sw but at least you will have made it very clear.

I believe you are doing the right thing for ALL concerned
For your bil, he needs stability, not the constant unexpected chaos a growing family naturally and gloriously is
Your own family unit, you know him and them and think it wouldn't work
Your marriage, this will seriously come between you
Your mental health, how good would it be if you crumble?

Stick to your guns, a few weeks, months now is better than the rest of your life

Bil will eventually be fine wherever your dh and social services decides to place him

Thank you for your feedback. I have written down a few of the sentences that have been really clear and understanding and intend to use them in an email to dh this morning.

Not only have your comments been useful to me, but I think they will be great for my dh to help get his thoughts in order. I can see him quoting you to social services tomorrow.

I will up date you all tomorrow or Wednesday once dh has been in touch with social services and we have feedback from 'the system'.

If any journalists are learking around looking for ideas for a piece, please focus on this! I want to see this discussed in the mainstream media. Terrible that families are forced to abandon family in order for social services to do anything. Families would rather work together with social services in an open conversation but they aren't able to.

LOL x After we had the very lengthily meeting with the SW who agreed a home care plan for my Nan - even though we opposed it, I asked my Nan if she was going to let the carers in her flat.

She said no as she doesn't let any strangers in her home (and due to her dementia they will always be strangers as she wont remember them). The SW was completely exasperated and threw his hands up in the air and... guess what.... STILL sent her home even though she said she would refuse entry. As far as the SW was concerned, he had set up a care package - whether Nan would engage with it was not his problem.

OP -google the vulnerable care act as legal leverage

Op just the fact your DH was making noises about going back to work ( from an earlier post today) while you take over looking for accommodation for him shows your concerns about being asked to take over if he lives with you are well justified. It's only been a week too! You are the only adult being reasonable here, with a grip on what a sensible outcome for everyone. Bil wants your DH to move to Bristol and look after him and visit his own family from time to time. It will be hard for your DH to hear things like this which he will know are unreasonable. You will need to support him in remaining calm but firm when this sort of request comes and not get trapped by guilt. You are dealing with it all correctly- you are a sahm not a disciple of a religious order whereby you are obliged put your hand up for an unlimited number of people's caring needs. Whilst letting your DH shoulder the practical burden now is a good idea because he'll get a picture of his hard it is and would be if you took him on, I would also phone ss myself to stress you can't take bil in. I am not sure I would leave that part of things just to DH.

Think you will also need to look at getting Power of Attorney for health long term too.

Crossing posts....

Aprilanne I think it very unfair of you to call the OP uncaring.

The uncaring ones here have been the OP's IL's who it sounds like were more interested in the Benefits the BIL bought in than doing what was best for him

Frankly they should of faciliated independant (supported) living a long time ago and the OP and her family wouldn't be in this position

The exact same thing happened to a friend with his disabled sister, she did move in with them.......disaster.

It put a huge strain on them, the did not have the skills required to meet her needs. It's a full time job, they had two children as well. They ended up poor carers as they were tired, worn down and struggling.

So the decision was taken that she would go into the local authority care, best thing ever, she gets the care she needs and deserves, then she gets the visits to her brothers home or they go out but he is relaxed, not stressed and they all enjoy themselves.

She has actually flourished in the professional care, because as family her parents didn't stretch her abilities much, they were lovingly soft, but now she is much more independent and able to look after herself better.

So. YANBU, you are being honest!

It would not be good for your kids to have their uncle there, anyway.

And don't feel guilty for refusing to become a full-time carer when you don't want to or have to.

Your PILs really fucked everyone over.

The parents have caused this situation. It's very unfair of them

Your post of 23.26 last night says it all: he wants you to sort this all out and care for his brother while he goes back to his old life.

There is no fucking way I would let that happen.

He needs to go on the trip and leave his brother.

Otherwise SS will do FA.

Short holiday, my arse.

Just to add if your dh walks out on the social worker please do not presume this will mean they will place him in a care home. I suspect the more likely outcome will be an emergency care package in his current home.
I am not suggesting I think you should agree to take Bil into your family home- I don't as social services will then be very unlikely to offer any further support but I do think walking out on Bil and social worker is a very very strange idea and will achieve nothing

YANBU at all and it would be a really bad idea to remove him from the Bristol area even "temporarily" if that's the area best for him long term - because if you do that he will go straight to the bottom of all waiting lists for places in the Bristol area as an out-of-area resident. Whatever temporary solution you find must keep him in the area where he is to be long term. If he does come and stay at your house - move out! Drastic situations call for drastic measures. Reassure your DH that this is only temporary and you will move back in when BIL moves out. But if he is staying in your house, your own local authority has more responsibility to him than Bristol.

It is surely much better to find a way for him to stay in the council house. You can do this, and also resolve the bedroom tax issue, by advertising for a homeshare carer - my friend who lives with a long term illness does this, its a bit like an "au pair for adults". Obviously your DH would have to choose the people carefully, but the deal is that someone gets to live in a place rent-free in exchange for 10 hours a week of basic work (assuming he doesn't need actual nursing-style personal care). 2 spare rooms = 2 homeshare carers, 20 hours a week of care. With the right people, could that be made to work?

www.homesharebristol.org.uk/causes/about-homeshare/

Some of her critics have been out of order, and complacent to boot

Completely agree with this, being expected to take over the full time care of an unrelated adult is a huge undertaking. The nasty aggressive comments is MN at its worst. This isn't the OPs doing nor is it actually her problem.

Well done Op for staying strong - YANBU & sounds like you're the only one thinking this through properly regarding repercussions for all involved.

I really feel for you, your DH amd BIl, you've all been let down badly by your PIL. My Stepmother had experience of Bristol SS who kept on not finding a residential home placement for her Uncle who lived with her. They finally found one but he died before moving in.

We have had problems with my Mother who has Dememtia. One thing I found that helped is creating a paper trail and using key words. Any phone calls made follow up with an email confirming what was said. Key words that seem to help are 'vulnerable adult''safeguarding issue' 'best interests' , 'duty of care' and 'imminent Carer breakdown'.

Really glad you and DH are communicating better. I think he needs to ring the Duty SW today and say after discussing situation with you, your family are unable to have your BIL as you are finding it difficult to care for your child with SN and that the stress of the additional caring duties would cause immediate Carer Breakdown which woukd not be in the Best Interests of your children .

Regarding BIL state that he is a vulnerable adult and for him to live in his own would be a safeguarding issue. He is recently bereaved and will be suffering another bereavement shortly and your DH considers it is in his Best Interests to remain locally so that he can continue within his support system. That your DH has to return to work tomorrow /Wednesday (whichever you decide) and therefore SS will need to provide an immediate respite placement as daily carers have been tried but the care package broke down as your BIL was non compliant with them. He then needs to email them what he he has just said.

So sorry you are all going through this, especially when all could have been prevented Please ignore some of the franky ridiculous comments on here. Every rational MNetter knows there is a core group who frequent AIBU just to be controversial and stir things up.

Excellent summary by SugarPlumTree, I hope it helps you and your DH to move forward OP

OP, I admire your stance here. It's right that you are direct and uncompromising about what you will or won't do, how you can and cannot cope. The worst thing you could do is knowingly and grudgingly take on a responsiblity of this nature without the will or ability to cope and give a false or misleading impression of your long term intentions. People who do that for sentimental reasons or because they can't assert themselves are wrong - they create extremely difficult situations which are far harder and more destructive to unravel. Pretending you can and will would be a disaster here.

My mother was in a comperable situation when we were young children. My aunt has several difficulties and my grandparents wanted her to take her sister in. She was working part time with four kids and a small house and she refused. Obviously, her parents resented her for years for this but she simply couldn't and wouldn't do it. My aunt can't help it but she's quite a destructive person and our family would have fallen apart if she was living with us. She is in sheltered accomodation now with access to medical and psychological care, but even at that has to be moved every few years since the nature of her condition makes it impossible for others to live with her.

This is a situation where you have to understand what you're taking on and how you will cope before you do it. Doing it in the manner that some of our more idealistic posters suggest - without a thought for how to manage - would be a disaster for everyone involved.

We'd all love to be able to be all things to all people and the most compassionate and unselfish with an infinite capacity to care and love and cope. But none of us are. Your children are your primary responsibility and if you manage to get them to adulthood as happy and adjusted people, you'll have done enough without taking on other problems.

OP I'm glad things are looking a bit brighter. I would strongly suggest calling Mencap, as they can sometimes put a bit of pressure on SS to pull their finger out.

Excellent advice from SugarPlumTree. Calling the OP a "heartless sod" was out of order aprilanne.

You are quite right that once your BIL is in a place of safety then SS will no longer see him as a priority. I hope you are able to negotiate with them.

Yanbu, it's a cruel and awful position to be in and the 'game' that anyone in your shoes is forced to play is soul destroying. Long term though it is the only way to get things sorted out.

There are a few advocacy charities dotted about the country. They tend to be regional and condition specific but it's worth looking into. Maybe your bil's local gp will have details if the Internet is no help. They tend to have so much more experience in how all of this works and can support and navigate the seemingly millions of phonecalls and bits of paperwork that this situation will generate.

Especially for your dh at such a stressful time, a neutral person on your side can be priceless.

I think deep down actually you're 'head thinking' towards BIL's future is far more in his best interests than your DH's 'heart thinking'. His understandable emotions are clouding issues for him and it's all too easy to be deceived by the Local Authority and then they'll absolve themselves of all responsibility.

I'm sorry but I was quite offended by your 'living off benefits with BIL as income stream' - we have three disabled DC and are on benefits out of necessity at the moment but we are concentrating our efforts on getting every intervention possible in to promote their future independence as adults - after all one day we're not going to be around for them. I know that's going to involve battles with the local authority as of course it's cheaper short term to keep them home with us (and actually I'd quite like that) but then where's that going to leave them when we die?

I think you need to have a serious chat with your DH and explain that it's not that you don't care - you do - but that BIL needs consistency, to keep attending the groups he's been going to and stay in his community. That the Local Authority doesn't want that, that's too expensive for them and they are NOT going to have his best interests at heart, they just want to save money. That actually what is in his brother's best interests is creating that emergency situation and making the Local Authority step up and do what they are actually supposed to and appropriately house a vulnerable adult.

Good luck. Those who haven't had to deal with this kind of situation - you can tell who they are by the kind of comments they make on here - won't understand. They'll be quite scathing. But you need to do what is best for all of you, which is I think what you want to do.