to refuse to let bil live with us.

[horriblesil]

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

Sorry if I have not read all lets, my MN is set with OP at the page bottom and i can never work out if I have read all pages on my phone.

A very difficult situation.

The other major consideration is the OP's children, one of whom has SEN. SS do not allow the fostering of childen older than those of the birth children in the family, for the sake of the birth children, and hid a range of good reasons. The impact on the childen' s lives would be immense, to bring an adult man with intense needs, into the household.

OP, your PILS could have made all sorts of arrangements, given your DH enduring power of attorney for a situation like now, not fair that this should now all be on your shoulders.

Be kind and positive to your DH and assure him that you will support him to get suitable care locally for yiur BIL. This thread has been good research and affirmation about the wisdom in not moving him into your home and therefore off SS' responsibility.

Good luck!

Sorry. Wrong thread

I think you need to phone the sw. Your DH may have been soft and given the impression that he could have a holiday at yours. Ring and ask what they are doing. Tell them in no uncertain terms is he having a break at yours until his care placement is running. Tell them the deadline is what ever day and you will be delivering BIL to their office at 9am on that day. They can take him to his care placement.

It is perfectly possible for dh to do the caring if you sell your house and move the family to Bristol. I doubt very much dh will want to do this, however even if you are willing to completely uproot the family.

Yanbu op in any way at all, anyone who thinks otherwise is very naive.

Phone them yourselves and be blunt about your own child with SEN, lack of space and how you can't cope. Ss would not have helped my mum had we not been absolutely clear that she was on her own and there was no way we could stay with her even for a short period of time (tiny 1 bed flat) and no way she could come to any of ours (alzheimers).

We had a 2 bed house at the time, 3 kids, 1 with SN. We were also 4 hours away. Db (also 2 bed house, 3 kids, 1 with SN ) 6 hours away.

Maybe someone like ageconcern could help? My inclination would be to leave him and call ss and the police on the way out. Terrible situation to be in.

OP - It sounds really awful but the less you do to help sort the situation for your DH/bil and so the more it impacts on him/them, then the more likely your DH will resolve it. If you step in and start doing the phone calls etc, then DH is likely to leave more and more to you and little by little you WILL end up sorting everything.

I do not think you are being in anyway harsh or cruel. BIL needs long term care which is not something you can provide. Everyone talks about nurses, doctors etc, who are over worked and exhausted with the amount of work they do..... well this is no different except you NEVER get a day off or annual leave etc.

Don't under UNDER circumstances allow him to come out of the county and especially stay at yours. It will very much be an "out of sight out of mind" situation and you will be stuck for many months if not years.

*under any

I think that your DH has been not just unreasonable but also very silly. He has created this stage in the crisis. He has lied to his employer to get leave and then has done nothing to progress the situation.

We had something similar occur when DFiL was taken ill very suddenly. DMiL has dementia and was found a place in respite care that same day. SS didnt like it but we all knew that none of us were in the position to take DMiL in.

Your DH has demonstrated to SS that there is an alternative to them stepping in. He has to be very firm with SS now and tell them he has to go back to work now as otherwise there is a real risk he will lose his job. DBiL is not coming to your home. SS in Bristol are responsible for him.

Your DH needs to stop bleating on about not abandoning his brother. He needs to start thinking about what is actually best for his brother.

We had a simular situation with my nanna. She was in her 90's and dementing. The GP sent her to a care home for respite as she was not well and needed a care package setting up. This was menat to be a 2 week placement. It took 6 weeks and I think it only happened that quickly as it was cheaper to send in carers then to keep her in the home.

Whilst in there we had a meeting with the SW. Even though Nanna was clearly suffering with dementia and needed care, because she wanted to go home the SW said she could. The SW asked us what care we would be providing. It was heartbreaking to say "none". My Nan was so upset, saying that she cared for her parents etc etc why cant we care for her. BUT it would have fallen to my mum who was her DIL (my Dad - her only child, had recently died) and my mum is in her late 60's and quite frankly didn't want to do it!! Mum was also getting several phone calls a day already from my Nan with her being nasty and Mum just could not take on any more.

In a nutshell!! what I am trying to say, is when the meeting with the SW happens DO NOT offer to do anything as then they will have to put a full care package in place otherwise you will be pulled in little by little.

As I said to my Nan, we want to do the nice things with her - i.e take her out for lunch, days out etc - but if we/mum is doing the day to day care then that will not happen.

And before anyone jumps on the "how nasty" Mum was to not care for her MIL, it was my Mum who stayed with her solidly for the last 24hrs of her life and didn't leave her side.

horriblesil if you get social work in then just walk out .that does not mean they will put him in a home .they probably would leave him there and get carers in maybe 4 times a day for say 30 minutes .until they found something suitable
.sorry but thats just cruel beyond belief on your part .his mother is dying he will be confused .sorry but as the mother of an autistic child you sound like a heartless sod would you abandon your sibling in times of tragedy
. its your husbands mother as well ,they probably wanted him living with them because they loved and protected him not as some sort of cash cow .no money in the world would make it ok
.you do it out of love .saying that i will make sure my son has an independent life away from his father and i .because i do not want my son distressed when i go .

Well.... I am also the mother of an autistic child and I DON'T think she is a heartless sod.

Yes - you do it out of love BUT her love is greater for her own children and she is thinking about their future and the impact on their lives.

Her immediate families needs trumps anything else.

aprilanne - what choice do they have? You are quick to judge but haven't offered an alternative.

aspie i am not automatically saying he must come and live with her .but the op just sounds so uncaring towards her hubbys situation .yes her own children must come first but a solution must be found and calling social work and walking out the door is not it .her hubby is grieving and will be doubly soon and becoming histerical will not help .

appliance what care SS would put in place would depend on what DBIL's need was. SS will want to do the minimum.

SS wanted to just have cares calling in for DMIL until it was pointed out that this would not work as she was unsafe to be left on her own for any length of time at all.

This is what the OP's DH should be doing. Fighting for a care package to be put in place now.

If. SS think that there is an alternative to them being involved then that will be their preferred option. Doesnt make it the best just the one that involves them the least.

primall i would suspect a meeting with social work on neutral ground .then press home the point .that op cannot look after bil .because of abc .they will find him an emergency placement .then look for something more permanent .it could be miles away but then that is just the risk you have to take .

Sorry, that should be Aprilanne not Appliance

The thing is, understandably, dh wants to see where his brother is going to live. That is very important to him. He wants to go round a few homes and see what is available. He wants to ensure the home is safe and comfortable etc.

He is totally freaking about leaving him to social services. He believes (correctly) that his responsibility is to ensure that he helps his brother find a home that he is happy with. Dumping him on social services to force their hand is not finding a home.

This is not us that is creating this situation, it is social services. I just know they will leave it to the very last moment as they know that dh wants to view homes, so he will be pressured to staying longer.

I have a feeling he will cancel the Huston trip for work.

aprilanne - she does not come across as uncaring to me. She comes across as a mother/wife trying to protect her immediate families well being. She was very clear from the outset that she would not take on the role.

She also does not come across as hysterical - she comes across to me as a realist who has a good insight to her DH and how he is thinking - AND what he expects to happen. She comes across to me as a woman who is thinking long term and about the impact it is going to have - and so making a stand now to ensure her family is not left in the shite.

YANBU. You aren't able to provide the care he needs.

horrible if you don,t mind me saying your last post sounds so much more reasonable than some of yesterdays .i realise it is hard and yes your own children must always come first .

Can you look at taking a mortgage holiday which will enable your DH to take some time off work to get things sorted?

I think viewing different care homes and making choices is what should have happened if you pil had planned ahead. At this point it will be emergency accommodation and you probably won't get much say. Some maybe but not a lot.

I can appreciate your dh wants to do the best for his brother but really this is a scramble due to no forward planning by his parents. I think the best for his brother at this point is to get ss to take responsibility then you can argue the toss about which permanent home is best later.

You are right in that ss don't make this easy and it shouldn't be that way but for now, in this instance, you can either play the game or take him home with you. The latter will probably mean a long stay.

No, I wouldnt do it whether for his sibling or mine. Once he is in your house it will become a perm arrangement. I wouldn't expect my kids to do this for eachother either. Plans should have been put in place for care long before this.

I've followed this thread closely and have yet to find any signs of (woman-hating word, why use it?) hysteria on the part of the OP.

Some of her critics have been out of order, and complacent to boot.

The OP has behaved with impeccable dignity throughout this thread.

The thing is our savings are being eaten up as this leave is unpaid. This is our family unit's savings. Our children are looking forward to a holiday this year, but it isn't going to happen. As a family unit we are giving up things for their uncle already.

Bil can't just have people coming in 4 times a day. He would refuse to open the door. He has done this before, he bit social services fingers when they opened the letter box to peer/call through to him a few years ago. He doesn't like strangers and needs to be 'managed'.

This is all going to be horrible anyway because he won't want to leave his house. We both believe he will be happy once he has settled into a home. He will still have continuity in his day care centres etc.

About 25 years ago (before I knew dh) he found sheltered housing for his great aunt. He went round a few homes, made sure she was local to where she was living. Made sure she had a nice flat etc. He wants to do this for his brother too, except things are different now.

Firstly, he lives on the other side of the country so he can't drop things and view homes easily. Secondly, times have changed and there is a lot more pressure on social services financially that they lean on families to do the care work, rather than find a place in a home.

25 years ago my dh was 20 and lived in a 1 bed flat. Social services knew that he was unable to care for his 70 year old great aunt. Now, he is 45 years old and lives in a 4 bed house with a stay at home wife. They believe there is the room for family to do the caring - thus saving their limited funds.

It is just that this stay at home wife refuses to do it.

To be frank a 70 year old woman has a limited time left, but his brother could well out live us! I certainly don't want my children to feel they have to care for their uncle when we are gone.

You should have said that in the first place aprilanne. And what's with the weird spaced full stops and no capitals?