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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had to choose between being a single parent or

156 replies

spudholes · 04/04/2015 18:45

never having children, which would you choose? Would you rather never have children or would you go it alone?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 15/04/2015 16:00

As a single parent who is now a grandmother, definitely single parent. And I would also choose being a single parent over having children with an eejit.

LurcioAgain · 15/04/2015 16:17

Sorry, OP, somehow missed your post explaining your situation.

Can you get clear medical advice on how long you're likely to have before having to decide "this is it, I have to go it alone now." For me, I played brinksmanship and got lucky late on (but had no underlying fertility issues). But you might want to decide on 30, or 33, or 35. It's probably good to have a date in mind.

The other thing I'd do is plan finances carefully. Start your life insurance now, not when you get pregnant (the premiums are less the earlier you start the policy). Save for fertility treatment. Get your "rainy day" fund sorted. As things are at the moment, I find as a single parent on what's actually quite a reasonable income (outside of the SE at any rate) I still get 70% of my childcare costs covered by working tax credits. Think about what your employer's track record is - what's the occupational maternity pay package? Are they good about flexible working? What will you do when your child is ill? (What will you do when you're ill?). None of these issues are insurmountable (I deal with all of them) but the more preparation you make, the easier it will be.

And I agree with others - having seen what some of my friends put up with, while the ideal situation is co-parenting with a good partner who does an equal share, being a single parent is infinitely easier than looking after children while dealing with a partner who's an arse.

shewept · 15/04/2015 16:21

I wouldn't choose to be a single parent. But I can't imagine that many people choose to be a single parent. Obviously there are some people that do and use insemination etc. But I wouldn't do that. No judgement, I just wouldn't.

However if I had have found myself pg and the father didn't want to know. I would have got on with it alone.

But there it lots to consider. Are you already pg? How old you are? How stable you are in yourself and in life? Everyone will choose differently in each different situation.

shewept · 15/04/2015 16:23

Sorry, I wasn't clear they aren't questions aimed at you op. I mean them as things to consider when making the decision.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 15/04/2015 16:25

I would rather no children.
If DH and I split up (hopefully never ever) then he would take our 4 DC. He is the better parent, I am not bad myself but mental illness diminishes the quality of care I could provide without his support.

juneau · 15/04/2015 16:26

I would never be a single parent by choice.

comingintomyown · 15/04/2015 16:37

No children

Didn't want children

Had them whilst married absolutely loved it

Divorced when they were 10 and 13 and been a single parent five years now. I've not had any problems and still loved it BUT their Dad still does stuff, has them to stay and helps financially so quite different to going it alone in the way you're thinking of

Jackieharris · 15/04/2015 16:42

I find some of this single parent bashing on this thread quite offensive and upsetting.

It's the patriarchal media that makes some women think that becoming a sp is the worst thing imaginable.

So many women put up with horrible and often abusive relationships to avoid this 'curse'.

I've been both (single then couple) and co patenting with a dp, even a very good one isn't always easier than being a sp.

If you want to work ft and pay for childcare the tax credits systems works better for you as a sp as it just takes into account your income.

Being a DP is often challenging because it is often accompanied by poverty. Women who have been sahms who then find themselves sps after a relationship breakdown are in a very precarious position.

Planning to become a sp is a very different matter.

Faithless · 15/04/2015 16:49

Single parent.
There are lot of other people who can help bring up a child if they are willing, to be involved, aunties, uncles, friends, grandparents, cousins etc. It happened with me when I was a child and it was fab. Nuclear families are over-rated.

twirlypoo · 15/04/2015 16:55

I have been a single parent since I found out I was pregnant. I would never ever be without DS, but I know I couldn't go through it again. He has been my brightest moments, but, like meglet it's damn nearly killed me at its worse and it's taken reserves of strength I genuinely didn't think I would have.

I felt a lot of shame and perceived judgement when he was a baby, but I think if you 'choose' the course of action of having a baby alone then you wouldn't have that. I recognise now that I put that on myself too - everyone else was totally fine and supportive!

redskybynight · 15/04/2015 17:04

Surely it depends on circumstances? I wouldn't choose to be a single parent eeking a life out on benefits with no family or other support network. If I had a good flexible job and loads of folk willing to help out I might be rather more enamoured of the idea.

AugustaGloop · 15/04/2015 17:21

It is a hard question to answer. I have 2 children and am not single. I cant imagine being without them.
However, if I had got to say 40 not in a relationship I find it hard to say what I would have done. I had my children before I got to the stage of extreme broodiness so really hard to know how strong the feelings would have been.

I have a couple of friends hitting this decision (both in good jobs/financially secure). One has frozen her eggs to buy more time. She is very broody but is not sure if she could cope as a single parent (she worries about her MH). The other is less broody but has thought very hard about the practicalities and thinks she could do it. Although is currently embarking on an exciting new relationship so I suspect is hoping it will work out from that perspective.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 15/04/2015 17:26

I never wanted children until I met DC, so probably no children. But I wouldn't be without the DC now

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 15/04/2015 17:26

"Until I met DH"

Kiwiinkits · 16/04/2015 05:10

Now that I know the deep joy my kids bring me, I vote single parent.

BUT

There's a difference between single parent managing quite well financially and single parent and desperately poor. I wouldn't choose the latter in a million years.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/04/2015 06:23

A single parent.

Having my 2 precious children is what I live for. I adore being a mum and couldn't imagine life without them now.

Branleuse · 16/04/2015 06:51

what sort of fucking question is this. A bit like who would you push overboard, your husband or your children?

tellmemore1982 · 16/04/2015 07:00

Is this question because you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want children?

If so then you have a lot to re-evaluate in a short space of time. However, for me the worst option would be being single AND having no children.

If I had to choose I would have children every time.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 16/04/2015 08:35

You do know you are asking this question on a site called Mumsnet? Might give you clue about the answers you will receive. Ask again on a site called 'no kids and loving it'; you might get different answers.

Lucyloves101 · 16/04/2015 08:55

Absolutely a single parent, was raised by one and had a lovely childhood!

GoooRooo · 16/04/2015 09:02

If I hadn't had met DH I wouldn't have had children. I could have chosen to go to a sperm bank or something - but I wouldn't have chosen to raise children alone.

Many of my single friends in their mid-late thirties are child free and won't choose to have children as single parents either. I don't think it's that unusual to make that choice - although this thread has surprised me.

Of course, I love my son and I wouldn't wish him gone but if had still been single I wouldn't have chosen to have kids.

Isetan · 16/04/2015 18:19

Never wanted to be a single parent but wouldn't have had a child if I wasn't up to doing it on my own. Now I am one, can't imagine having to go back to defering to someone who did very little. DD is a dream, not keen on having another because what are the odds of winning the lottery twice.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 16/04/2015 20:39

I can remember when I had my ds, and it felt as though this entire world, an entire different reality had been opened up to me - like it was a part of life that I hadn't been able to access before, that had always been waiting behind a curtain. I wouldn't want to miss out on that for anything.

MammaTJ · 16/04/2015 20:52

Single parent and actually took the very real risk. I was 37 and desperate for a second baby. I had done it all the 'right' way first time, married, then two years later had DD, but he did not want any more and ended up leaving me for the OW after 10 years of marriage.

I admit I cried for a few weeks but then it dawned on me I could have another much longed for baby after all.

A year after ExH left I met a man in AOL chat rooms, not something I was trying to do, I just went there for company once DD was in bed.

We slept together on our first meeting. I was totally reckless honest about my lack of contraception and did indeed fall pregnant that first time.

DD is going to be 10 soon and we also have a DS who is going to be 9 soon. He moved 150 miles to be with me as soon as he found a local job.

I genuinely did not care about being a single parent at that point but when DD was born she was very ill and DP was amazing. I think I properly fell in love with him then!

So, yes, single parent over no child but it worked out I could have both.

Stitchintime1 · 16/04/2015 20:56

If I had my time again, I would have children sooner and tons of them. I'd definitely go for single mother over no children.