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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had to choose between being a single parent or

156 replies

spudholes · 04/04/2015 18:45

never having children, which would you choose? Would you rather never have children or would you go it alone?

OP posts:
Jaded2004 · 04/04/2015 21:02

I knew that there was always a possibility I would become a single parent and I would advise anyone planning to have a child to keep in mind that one day they may become a single parent. Personally I think it's sensible to consider this when you have a child.

Themrmen · 04/04/2015 21:05

Single parent, ds is my whole world and couldn't imagine not having him. I always wanted children tho

CalleighDoodle · 04/04/2015 21:14

Single parent

Frecklefeatures · 04/04/2015 21:20

Single parent. I was a single parent for a long time and managed to do my degree/postgrad/work full-time etc with very little family support. Yes it's tiring, but very doable and I wouldn't change a thing, my kids are fabulous!

HorraceTheOtter · 04/04/2015 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 04/04/2015 21:25

Single parent.

notquiteruralbliss · 04/04/2015 21:26

Single parent. No question.

thatscottishbiscuit · 04/04/2015 21:28

Definitely single parent, which is a good job, because DH (although seemingly very well at the moment) has a cancer classed as terminal. I adore being a mum and don't know how either of us would be coping without them.

We have two DCs, I always wanted three, and still can't get the idea out of my head, despite our circumstances. It would be perfectly possible but terribly selfish, and I mustn't

technobabble · 04/04/2015 21:28

No children.

Because I think I'd be a shit parent if I was doing it on my own.

feelingdizzy · 04/04/2015 21:39

I have been a single parent for 11 years, since both my kids were under 2.Its really not that bad. I have lovely kids ,I retrained ,have a successful career. My children see their Dad rarely, so it really is just the three of is.

I do think being a single parent is given a bad press, almost a presumption that it will be a living nightmare. I promise its not. My life and my children's is happy, generally fun. Its grand .

nooka · 04/04/2015 21:45

I'm not sure what the OP was thinking about when she posed her question, but to me I'd frame this not so much in a 'if you broke up with your husband/partner wodul you wish you didn't have children', because I think that's very hard to conceptualise, and involves wishing away your children, which generally most people would find difficult and possibly abhorrent.

I'd think of it more as a 'if you never met someone you wanted to start a family with, would you go ahead and have children anyway?' question. For me the answer is no. Because that assumes really going it alone, potentially with no support or perhaps even knowledge of the father (ie sperm donors etc) and I would never deliberately set out to do that because I think it would be very hard work and also that children do better with two families to support them. When dh and I separated I was a single mother, but only for half the week (the other half I was just single), and that was quite doable because of the break. All the time would have been very restrictive and relentless.

But then I know a number of people without children and they seem to have very happy lives and I am also rather looking forward to my two leaving home and was never broody to have them, although I love them very dearly and enjoy their company very much.

fourteen · 04/04/2015 21:46

CPTart to put your mind at rest, I'm a single parent with no family within 1000 miles.

It's fine. Great, in fact. Smile

CornChips · 04/04/2015 21:51

Single parent, always and forever. I never wanted children, was never maternal and really only contemplated it because DH was keen. I was not prepared for the earthquake in my soul that being a parent caused.

Philoslothy · 04/04/2015 21:52

Feelingdizzy My stepson's mother has been a single mother for a very long time and she is very happy and therefore I know it is possible. She has also done a fantastic job of raising DSS. However she is a much stronger person than me, a much more "natural" mother and far less self centred. If my husband died or left me I would cope, but it would be very hard and I would not be able to give my children the security that they have. I would not choose that path.

sumoweeble · 04/04/2015 22:00

I think it's an artificial question. Anyone who chooses to have children runs quite a significant risk of becoming a single parent at some stage. 42% of marriages end in divorce and half of divorcing couples have children under 16, cohabiting couples split, people become seriously ill, people die. My father was a single parent to teenagers after he was widowed. I am a single parent due to my partner's serious acquired disability. It's very rarely a straightforward "choice".

BlackeyedSusan · 04/04/2015 22:06

single parent.

nooka · 04/04/2015 22:06

It's a choice when someone consciously plans to have children alone. Which some people do when they feel that the 'normal' approach of partnering up and then having children isn't going to work for them, usually because they feel they have run out of time.

sumoweeble · 04/04/2015 22:08

That's true, nooka. Is that what you meant, spudholes?

IsabellaRoarsome · 04/04/2015 22:11

Single parent hands down. Did it for a while and after leaving sbxh it was great Grin

BlueKarou · 04/04/2015 22:12

Definitely not always as simple a choice as the OP's question makes out.

However, in my situation it comes fairly close to being that simple; I am single, and fully expect to stay single for a long time (just not interested in having a partner/spouse), and want a child.

I'm opting for the single parent route and will be starting IVF route. I'm very aware that the IVF might not work, and am not blessed with enough money to fund multiple rounds, so it's pretty much down to whether this cycle takes as to whether I get option A or option B.

But yeah - if I could make that choice I would pick being a single parent over never having a child.

Why the question, OP? Is it something you're considering? Or just a general curiosity?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/04/2015 22:16

That's what I assumed spudholes was asking too Nooka. I can remember having the "if you were 40, single and childless would you consider sperm doner/ deliberately becoming a single parent?" conversations on rambling waffling evenings in my early 20s, before any of my friends actually had children or especially committed relationships. ..

It's just a theoretical question I hope.

Obviously if you already have kids and become single you make the best of it - could happen to any of us.

MorrisZapp · 04/04/2015 22:16

Child free.

I have a brilliant DP and the whole reason to have a kid was to share the experience with him, and share the workload/ responsibility. It works great but I could not cope well doing this alone.

Sure, we could split up or drop dead at any time. But we probably won't soon. I adore my son but if I had stayed single it wouldn't have entered my mind to become a single parent. I only did it because DP would be such a good dad.

Salene · 04/04/2015 22:17

Prefer no children to being a single parent

MorrisZapp · 04/04/2015 22:19

Also being a single parent with a brilliant dad for an ex is very, very different to being a single parent with no tangible ex or a downright crap one.

If I split from DP he'd still support our son and take all the same responsibilities.

I have friends with non existent exes and their lives are very, very tough.

LokiBear · 04/04/2015 22:20

Single parent.