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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had to choose between being a single parent or

156 replies

spudholes · 04/04/2015 18:45

never having children, which would you choose? Would you rather never have children or would you go it alone?

OP posts:
Yellowbird54321 · 04/04/2015 22:21

MrTumble sadly from what some have written on this thread it seems the morality aspect is still relevant in the present day (family would disown etc). I understand where you are coming from re most people these days being concerned with the practicalities but I still think these are issues two parent families also concern themselves with more or less to the same degree. Surely it comes down to individual attitudes and circumstances, you could be a well off well supported single parent who chooses to have a large family and manages (and enjoys) that just fine or a two parent family struggling with money, support, housing etc who decide one child is enough.
Like a previous poster I have been a single parent whilst working and studying for a degree - my children don't have any contact with other parent - so yes it's all juggling, but turns out it's also quite do-able- well for me it has been anyway.
Hadn't thought about daily fail thing 'till you said it but is a bit odd that OP hasn't returned isn't it? Hmm

Basilbrushestail · 04/04/2015 22:24

I've found myself a single parent to an unplanned pregnancy.

The thought of never having a child was more frightening than being a young single mum.

DianeLockhart · 04/04/2015 22:27

Single parent

Original poster
spudholes · 04/04/2015 22:50

Sorry I should've been more specific. I meant if you found yourself at a certain age and still single, would you choose to go it alone etc.

I'm only 25 but I have problems which may make it difficult to conceive. I've always wanted to be a mum and would get broody even as a little girl.

The other thing is that I'm pretty old-fashioned and find it difficult to 'click' with people and share the same values etc, so finding someone compatible is very difficult for me. I feel like I need to be pro-active whilst I'm still young and make plans etc about my future and the steps I need to take. Obviously, that could change and I could meet someone lovely (wouldn't that be great) but I also have the option of going it alone if the relationship side doesn't happen.

It scares me that if I leave it until my 30's it might be too late to have children, which makes me feel incredibly sad.

OP posts:
fourteen · 05/04/2015 07:54

OP looking back, I'd have been better going it alone early on, but you have to weigh up at what age you give up "the dream" of meeting someone, getting married etc.

I just wasn't brave enough, but being a parent is great, single or otherwise (yes even with no help), and I'm so glad I didn't miss out, although I missed out on having anything more than an only, due to starting late.

KeepitDown · 05/04/2015 12:26

When I opened this I thought it was going to be about whether you'd prefer to raise children alone or with a partner. I was going to say alone. Grin

Perhaps influenced by the current petty squabbles and conflicting ideas with DH over... weaning, bedtimes, bathtimes, and pretty much every other little aspect of childrearing.

cruikshank · 05/04/2015 14:59

OP, thanks for clarifying, and I'm sorry that you may have fertility troubles.

I think that BertieBetts raises some very good points about what being single and being responsible for a child means. It's not just about there being no-one there to change nappies (changing nappies isn't that difficult anyway) but how things are when the buck stops with you.

Also fourteen is right as well - it's a question of when you give up on what you think is the 'ideal', bearing in mind that if you wait for that ideal, you may find yourself unable to have children.

It's very hard, but if I were in your shoes, bearing in mind that you still have a few years to play around with, I'd maybe do some contingency planning. First, cost. What would it cost to go down the donor sperm route, what would childcare etc cost, could you afford it, all that kind of stuff. Second, fertility - could you get yourself checked out at the GP to see what options you do actually have, what possibilities are open to you. Third, support - and be realistic about that. What do you have around you, that you can rely on, and that you would happy to be relying on?

Who knows, you might meet someone fabulous in the next six months and get married and have kids with them. In which case, great, and you can ditch your contingency plans. But if you really want to have children, and you know your time to have them is limited, would it maybe be a good idea to start thinking about how to do it?

Sierraspider · 05/04/2015 15:06

I would choose not to of had children. I find it hard being in a married, loving relationship bringing up one child so I don't think I would cope if Ide been single?! If ide had the choice of being a single parent or having no kids I would definitely pick no kids. But maybe that's because I had bad post natal depression?

drudgetrudy · 05/04/2015 15:13

I would prefer to be a single parent to one child than never to have children (this is assuming no support from a partner at all) but I don't think I could have coped with providing for and raising a family of several children on my own. My energy and patience wouldn't run to it.

fourteen · 05/04/2015 15:27

Raising a child on your own is MILES easier than raising one within the wrong relationship.

Don't jump on any old passing relationship in the fear that you won't otherwise have kids.

Always ends in tears in my experience

Cluesue · 05/04/2015 15:32

If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't

Psipsina · 05/04/2015 15:34

I'm rubbish so probably in hindsight, I think I'd have not had any children.

Thankheavensforinternet · 15/04/2015 13:27

I'm an older single parent to a 5 month old. Didn't intend to be, but it's how it's worked out. Been doing it alone for 3 months now, and I am pretty happy, not overwhelmed by it at all, and loving the care giving. But I do worry about what growing up in such a small family unit will be like for her. I think the question is not whether you would be happier to have a child or not (probably, if you feel you really want one) but, as a single parent can you (you personally) raise a happy child. I'm not saying you can't! Just keep it in mind - This is more difficult if you are by yourself.

BarbarianMum · 15/04/2015 13:33

Single parent, but then I was always very keen on having children. Having said which, I think I would have struggled enormously with being a single parent - I'm not really cut out for it at all (too anxious). But I wouldn't have known that until after I'd had a child.

Number3cometome · 15/04/2015 13:38

Single parent - done it and now no longer a single parent and very happy!

Single parents don't have to be single parents forever, but deciding not to have a child is something you cannot change after a certain age.

LurcioAgain · 15/04/2015 13:39

Single parent. (And that's not a hypothetical answer, that's what I've actually chosen to do).

Why do you ask?

Satsumafairy · 15/04/2015 13:49

What fourteen said.

Also, I did knowingly and happily set out as a single parent because I realised that was the situation facing me. I think I was right. I'm gay so perhaps slightly different for me but anyway I was delighted to be a parent (single or otherwise) and when DW came along we tried (via donor) again but it never worked so it probably was my last chance.

MewlingQuim · 15/04/2015 14:01

I spent 8 years being unable to have children. It was shit.

I would definitely have chosen to be a single parent if dh had buggered off.

LisaD1 · 15/04/2015 14:03

Single parent, and was for a couple of years, cannot imagine not having my children, although if I had been asked before I had them I am not so sure of my response. It was tough but once you are in that situation with a child/children you adore you cannot imagine not having them, well, I couldn't.

eatyouwithaspoon · 15/04/2015 14:32

Had you asked me before I had my children I would probably have said no children but would now say single parent. I appreciate what hard work it would be though and have upmost respect for single parents.

Had I remained single and wanted to be a parent I would have happily gone it alone.

zukiecat · 15/04/2015 14:47

Single parent. I've been one for nearly 13 years, and never regretted leaving XH.

Being a mum was all I ever wanted, and it would have been a huge sadness and regret if I'd never had any children.

LobsterQuadrille · 15/04/2015 15:39

Single parent, no question. I have been one for 17 years after DH gave me an ultimatum - have an abortion (and it was a planned pregnancy) or you will never see me again. And he was true to his word. The two of us (DD and I) have a possibly unusual existence and I know that DD wishes that I hadn't had to work full-time. DF disowned me for five years (it does still happen) but things are OK now. I would always have regretted not having children. It did, however, put me off men for life (slightly unfair to tar all with the same brush).

FrenchJunebug · 15/04/2015 15:49

single parent.

Singleandproud · 15/04/2015 15:52

Single parent - I've been on my own since I found out I was preg (Dd seesher dad though) and I really enjoy it. She's has a good relationship with my Dad, bro as well so lots of men in her life. We can do what we like, when we like, it's brill!

I'd love more children but unfortunately it takes two to tango, I'd happily have more as a Single parent!

Breezy1985 · 15/04/2015 15:58

Single parent, I've been one for a few years and I wouldn't change a thing.

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