Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you had to choose between being a single parent or

156 replies

spudholes · 04/04/2015 18:45

never having children, which would you choose? Would you rather never have children or would you go it alone?

OP posts:
ragged · 04/04/2015 19:44

I would definitely have chosen to be childfree and to embrace that contentedly.

rockinrobintweet · 04/04/2015 19:46

I don't think i would have chosen to do it alone, but i know if i had got to nearing my 40s without them maybe l would've made that choice; i always felt I had (as in deep desire) to have children!

Yellowbird54321 · 04/04/2015 20:01

sleep I suppose I find it old fashioned with regard to the hesitancy in stepping out of the traditional nuclear family set up - I mean surely we've moved on from that being the norm now haven't we? (well I thought we had but I could be wrong there?) I'm a single parent and mostly always have been and I haven't found it particularly hard work in comparison to not being one (in fact in many ways I've found it easier). However I do not think two parent families are lesser or invalid as a family structure either Wink

DixieNormas · 04/04/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EFG123 · 04/04/2015 20:05

Having recently become a single parent, not my choice, I wouldn't want to be without dd, I wouldn't have got through it without her, she's my comfort and my reason to carry on.

WellyMummy · 04/04/2015 20:06

I've always wanted to be a Mum. I'm perpetually single so faced this question and now I have 2 gorgeous DDs. It is the hardest thing, by far, that I have ever done but more importantly it is also the very best thing I have ever done.

I have very little family, so my support network is unconventional. Whilst I have a lot of moral support I have very little practical help. So other than school I rarely have time away from my children. (I also work in education! so I'm never away from children.)

For me I could imagine life as an OAP without the thought of having had a family. The question remaining for me is do I go through it all again for a son now I have my girls?!

I wouldn't change it for a moment and have never regretted my choices, but it is tough.

Good luck!

Mia1415 · 04/04/2015 20:08

Single parent without question

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/04/2015 20:08

Yellow I think people's takes on what they would choose are basef simply on practicalities; at least the people who have answered seem to be thinking of practical pros and cons. 100 years ago it would have been a moral question, these days it is still a valid question but for purely practical reasons.

Maliceaforethought · 04/04/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Philoslothy · 04/04/2015 20:11

I love children, about to have my sixth but I don't think that I would have the mental or physical strength to be a single parent so I would probably choose not to have children.

Jokerstotheright · 04/04/2015 20:14

I am a single parent, not through choice. I would probably say no children. But if I had no children I think I would regret it.

YvetteChauvire · 04/04/2015 20:15

I wouldn't choose it, no. If my husband and I separated then I would have to do it. However, if I knew going into parenthood that I would be a single mother, I would never do it.

  • My family would have disowned me. They are very traditional.
  • I am socially inept at the best of times. I don't take my children to parties, or do playdates or playgroups. Husband is more comfortable with all that.
  • I enjoy my free time, my husband's presence helps me get that.
  • I am not a 'natural' mother, I have learned a lot from my husband about parenting
  • I love my children but I never 'dreamed' of having children before they were born. Indeed I don't think I 'liked' children until I had my own. even now I like my best friend's children but generally I am not that fussed about others people's children.
  • I find being a parent really tough and sometimes I don't enjoy it.

I am quite certain I would make a rubbish single mother. My children would not deserve that.

Alconleigh · 04/04/2015 20:17

No children. In fact that's how it's ended up as the relationships I might have had children in didn't work out and I am now 38 and in a relationship with someone who definitely doesn't want more children. And I am fine with that. I would never have gone it alone. Nothing against single parents whatsoever, it's just I know I would never have had the strength to do the baby and toddler stage alone. I am in awe of all those who do.

Yellowbird54321 · 04/04/2015 20:25

MrTumble I'm sure it was a moral question much more recently than a 100 years ago, but I have felt / seen a change in the landscape since my own children were young (90's) and feel (hope) it is less stigmatised now.
I understand what you say about people considering the practicalities (it can certainly be difficult when it comes to work / finances etc.) but that's often the case for two parent families too isn't it?

cruikshank · 04/04/2015 20:26

Single parent. Men ...? Meh. Nice if you've got one, I guess, but kids are great. I can remember when I had my ds, and it felt as though this entire world, an entire different reality had been opened up to me - like it was a part of life that I hadn't been able to access before, that had always been waiting behind a curtain. I wouldn't want to miss out on that for anything.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 04/04/2015 20:33

No kids. I'm not strong enough to be a single parent and I think I could be happy childless. I love DD but having kids was never something I was certain about.

Liara · 04/04/2015 20:36

No children.

But then again I was always happy not to have children in the first place, so I wouldn't have thought too much about it if it wasn't because dh wanted them.

I have friends who are single parents and have absolutely no idea how they manage.

26Point2Miles · 04/04/2015 20:39

Lol your family would have disowned you!! Not worth having them in your life with that minging attitude...

BertieBotts · 04/04/2015 20:39

I think on balance I would do it - but bear in mind there's a whole world of difference between being a lone parent with good support, and with no support. So in fact it might depend on circumstance. Some thinking points:

You will of course need to be self sufficient and it will be hard to cope with having to support yourself and a child, especially if you have to work full time to do so and you don't have family childcare. I don't think that childcare is damaging or anything like that, but if you have to have a child in nursery or whatever from pretty much 8am-7pm 5 days a week, that is going to take an extreme toll on your relationship and also I just think it's hard for them to cope with. The best nursery (etc) in the world is not home and you can't relax quite the same as at home. It can be stressful if your home, car, etc are insecure and all of that responsibility is just on you. If you're going to be living hand to mouth to feed yourselves and it's not a situation of cutting down work to spend more time with the child and you can't just up your hours in a tight patch for example, I think that money would end up dominating and it is so so stressful to live like that. Yes there's a safety net of benefits in the UK but I don't know that I would plan to be reliant on it, especially as their future is fairly uncertain.

So - sort of related but on a different note, I think that a support network is also invaluable. Family who might not provide regular childcare but who will occasionally take the LO off your hands to give you a break, especially people who might be willing to do the odd whole weekend, will absolutely save your life. It is so draining to be physically responsible for a small person 100% of the time, it doesn't really go away when they're in bed, when you're at work, or when you have a night out, because you're always on standby and on a timer. You can't just go out and care not where you end up because you have to keep checking your watch and go and relieve the babysitter at midnight (I always felt a bit like Cinderella! :)) I don't know if it's something which appeals to you anyway, but you can't just decide to make a stupid decision on a whim any more like taking drugs for the hell of it, hooking up with somebody random, booking a last minute trip away, (you can do this to an extent) or blow the month's money on something stupidly expensive and live off custard creams and value beans for the rest of the month. You always have to be thinking ahead and thinking of the child and how you will keep things normal and stable for them even when there is some disaster.

You'll want friends who have or have had children, because although there are some amazing parts to being a parent, I'm sure that you know there are also really hard parts as well and trying to offload onto people who aren't parents doesn't really work. Sometimes you just need to phone up a friend and say "Three year olds are arseholes aren't they?" and have them totally agree rather than secretly looking up the number for social services Grin Plus, friends who have children understand the Cinderella thing and other such issues and won't think badly of you when you aren't able to put them first any more. If all of your friends are childfree then you will become isolated from them. That's not so bad when you have a partner and maybe a few friends with children or you're meeting new people through having DC but it would be really, really lonely if they are all you've got.

You have to be fairly happy with the fact that relationships will be far harder and more complicated. Are you happy to potentially remain single, or would you end up resenting the child if somebody who was almost-but-not-quite-right-now slipped away because of circumstance? It really changes the rules of dating IME. The same goes for careers, really. Of course having DC will affect career planning whether you're in a relationship or not, but at least when you have another adult around there is wriggle room so you can to some extent share the childcare burden and cover each other, whereas you'll be on your own and forced to either turn things down or constantly juggle favours from family/friends/nursery/babysitting agencies. Expect, BTW, for childcare to cost more than the basic cost of covering the time that you work, because there will be sick days, holidays, totally uncoverable days which will cost you a lot extra (like budgeting for the bus or a car, occasionally you'll still need to take a taxi). You'll need either an extremely understanding employer or a sizeable budget for such things.

Lastly an emergency plan - Are you comfortable enough with your neighbours that you could turn to them in an emergency or know that they would check in if they didn't see you for a day or two, (or even friends who would check in if you didn't post on FB or whatever really) do you have anybody who can help you out when you're ill, if you had to go into hospital, if you had to go away for work. And what if you died? Do you have somebody who could look after the child or would they have to go into foster care?

Sorry to be morbid - and yes there are definitely perks to being a lone parent, in some ways I have actually preferred it to being married! But all worth thinking about IMO. Good luck!

BohemianRaptor · 04/04/2015 20:41

I'm a single parent. Never really wanted children. Would do it all again in a heartbeat. Zero desire for a relationship though, I think I'm a better parent single than I ever would have been in a relationship, it just suits me.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/04/2015 20:41

Yes Yellow I agree - even 30 years ago it was probably partly a moral question, and there are huge practical considerations for both 1 and 2 parent famines.

I just meant that I think most people these days would view this as a practical, not a moral, question and therefore not a controversial thing to ask. If it is going to turn out to be sneakily a moralistic Daily Fail type question it is a bit distasteful, but as a practical question it is valid.

I have 3 kids but if I had deliberately chosen to have a child as a single parent I would only have planned one, I think (at least with the benefit of hindsight knowing how easy just one was and how hard juggling 3 can be). That's a practical, not a moral, observation obviously.

Yay4may · 04/04/2015 20:49

Never having them. I say this as someone who always wanted kids but now that I have them I realise how much work it is and how involving it is. I love them but the thought of going it alone scares me to death!

CPtart · 04/04/2015 20:50

I wonder how many single parents saying single parenthood rely on grandparents for regular support with childcare etc. As part of a couple who gets very very little of that, I honestly don't know know which I'd choose.

0ldF0x · 04/04/2015 20:54

Well I'm a single parent and I'm happy, and I don't know if I'd be happy if I were 'childfree'

It would be nice to have it all. Kids, and the wonderful kind husband who is great company, helpful etc.. but I seem to be ok and happy without having 'it all'.

0ldF0x · 04/04/2015 20:58

I think for me, the yearning to have a child was always going to be stronger than the yearning to be half of a pair. I know that that's not true for everybody.