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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how often you see your parents/in laws

120 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 03/04/2015 09:24

I see my mum once a week, she comes over during the day and spends time with me and dd whilst dp is at work.
At the moment we are seeing dps parents on average 3 x a week and I don't think its a great idea.
For starters we get on better and the relationship between us and them is better when we see each other less, I find we tend to start pissing eachother off if we see eachother too often and the dynamic changes.
I see mil every Wednesday, on my own with dd. they then expect dp and I to spend another weekday evening in the form of dinner/cups of tea that last hours with them and another day during the weekend.
Why oh why are dils expected to have this close bond with mil? I don't see my mum demanding time with dp and dd? If my dad was about he sure as hell wouldn't force time with dp, so why are dil expected to keep in laws happy (esp mil) make plans and put in time while their partners make absolutely no effort with their own parents ?
I think this is the main problem a lot of mil/dils have, why you see so much "aibu or is my mil overbearing" on mumsnet.
I've told dp HE needs to deal with this from now on but it doesn't stop her messaging me instead of him and him not being able to say "no mum, we're busy but thank you".
I'm fed up of this sight of them but you give these people an inch they are a mile.

OP posts:
FlabbyMummy · 03/04/2015 09:31

I agree that you should limit the time you spend with them, purely to save your relationship. Your dh should deal with this

DawnOfTheDoggers · 03/04/2015 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catlover40 · 03/04/2015 09:32

I dont have a close relationship with my MIL. I dont really like her to be honest! My parents are no longer around but i saw my mum often ( They passed away when i was younger and were older parents). This is my 2nd marriage and MY DH and me do not have children together so there are no issues there. My DH hardly ever wants to see her as she gets on his nerves. I have tried with her going shopping with her etc but i just cannot get on with her. My BIL wife is 'our sil' and i am DH wife. She sees us differently and i dont feel she sees me as part of their family. I dont think that DILs are expected to have that close relationship with MILs to be honest it is up to you how often you see her!

madamginger · 03/04/2015 09:33

I see my mil 3 times a week as she is my childcare when I work, she's amazing and I love her to bits. My mum we maybe see every couple of weeks and she lives 5 minutes away.

livingzuid · 03/04/2015 09:34

Currently living with ours as our flat needs complete renovation. It's been really hard particularly with a baby that MIL wants spend every waking hour with (to the point of blocking me off so she could pick up a crying DD instead of me) . Difference is that DH tells her no and sticks up for me which has caused some fights between them. I have had ample time to observe this over the last couple of months Grin think some mothers (with children of both sexes) find it impossible to treat them as adults and not acknowledge that their time is their own rather than their mother organising every detail of their lives. The relationship is stuck in the past and hasn't moved on. That's my armchair analysis anyway. Except my DH doesn't tolerate it and boy does MIL get cross when she can't control him.

You are under no obligation to see her at all. I think once we move out - and our place is only 15 mins away - I will hardly see MIL. DH manages that relationship not me and will take DD round. So your H needs to take all communication over. It's a tough one.

Kreggle · 03/04/2015 09:34

I see my parents at least twice a week, dh sees his at least twice a week. I see PIL maybe one a week or once every two weeks, dh sees my parents about the same.

Kundry · 03/04/2015 09:35

I love my mum v dearly but if I had to see her 3 times a week I'd kill her Grin

My situation is different to yours as both sets of parents live further away and no GCs. However keeping up with my mum (dad sadly died a few years ago) is my responsibility and ILs is DH's. So I phone my mum at least once a week, visit every couple of months and she house sits when we are on holiday.

DH on the other hand calls his parents once in a blue moon and we only visit them because they are near to my mum.

It's also clear that visiting his parents is for his benefit and my mum is for my benefit - would drive me crackers to have to see his mum once a week without him. No way! Also, my mum wouldn't expect to come and visit DH if I wasn't there, even to see a GC - so why would a MIL???

Also, I work fulltime. Weekends are our time. I simply don't have time to see them every weekend, even if they lived 10 minutes away.

YANBU.

soapboxqueen · 03/04/2015 09:35

I see my own parents about 5 times a week. In-laws once every two or three weeks. In-laws actually live closer bury it isn't an issue. If there is something happening we see everyone more often anyway.

livingzuid · 03/04/2015 09:37

Oh yes dawn Why not start the guilt trip posts already Hmm OP's situation is not yours. It's also not compulsory for her to like the woman and spend huge amounts of time with her in order for her dcs to have a relationship with their grandmother.

Charlotte3333 · 03/04/2015 09:39

I don't know about other families but I'm upfront with MIL and just say "no thank you, we've got plans" to her suggestions if I can't/don't want to. She sees us at least 2/3 times a week, has DS2 on a Tuesday while I work, and is a lovely part of our family. We disagree on almost every aspect of parenting, and somehow still rub along ok together.

We don't see so much of my family; once a month usually. But mine are very independent parents who live their own full lives, so they have no use for trying to live through ours. Horses for courses, as the DCs are no less close to my parents than the MIL for seeing them less.

Lucyloves101 · 03/04/2015 09:40

I know how you feel. I'm completely expected to manage the in-law relationships, including sending cards, presents etc, and have been told off for next sending a Christmas card. I'm not my dh PA! They also expect me to balance out time spent with my mum with time spent with mil despite living miles away. I think I have the right to see my own mum without owing them time just because ive had a child. I agree that this pretty sexist attitude is what causes a lot of in law issues.

Kundry · 03/04/2015 09:40

BTW my MIL is OK - but at the start I really hated her and it was because she pushed it too hard. I think she'd signed up to the 'gained a daughter' idea - well, I didn't want that, I have a mum who I love very much and I wasn't about to call someone else mum who I'd met twice.

Plus if she'd thought about it for a millisecond, my dad had died 2 months before we got married and no fucking way was I going to call my FIL 'Dad'.

I can now see she meant well but the insensitivity took a lot of getting over. I tried 'being the good DIL' but in the end we fell out - best thing I ever did as it cleared the air, she started to see me as an individual, not her preplanned idea of what a DIL does and we get on much better now.

irishamy89 · 03/04/2015 09:41

My parents live away and our separated. I probably see them betweenabout 5-6 times a year but talk most nights.
DP's parents live very close and it really depends how much we see them based on everyone's work commitments.
This week we will see them today until easter Monday as there is a birthday celebration and then a trip away together.
I really like them so am happy to see them.

ShadyMyLady · 03/04/2015 09:43

I see my in laws 3 or 4 times a week, I go round there on my own with the dc. I like going there and we all get on great. My bil's and sil's all live there too so it's always busy and all the kids run round having great fun!

I see my mum twice a week, speak numerous times a day.

Kundry · 03/04/2015 09:43

Cards, yes! I got told off for not remembering various nieces and nephews birthdays and got a 'Birthday Book' as a Christmas present. Thanks for the passive aggression MIL Hmm

I got my mum to visit with me and she accidentally Wink brought up the cards issue - it's never been mentioned again as she couldn't argue with another MIL Easter Grin

wheresthelight · 03/04/2015 09:43

so it's ok to see your mum every week but dp's parents has to be even less than the already sporadic maybe every 3 weeks?

I think half the reasons that there are so many mil bashing threads is because a vast majority of dil's are selfish cows who insist on treating their mil's like second class citizens.

we see my parents once/twice a week and we see dp's dad about the same. used to see mil a lot more when she was alive and if she was still here now I would see her daily and gladly so as she would be dd's childcare at her insistence (she was devastated when we told her dd would be going to nursery/cm)

I think some people have a very entitled view on this and actually if you spent less time trying to isolate your pil you might just find they don't try and force things so much

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/04/2015 09:44

We see MiL once a week, at the weekend for an hour. She comes to us has a cup of tea and a chat then leaves, it's all very nice. Dh will phone her during the week for a chat, everyone is happy.

We see my Dad a lot, he drives ds1 to work and back as he's home from university so we might see him 4/5 times a week.

This isn't going to be another MiL v DiL thread is it?

ShadyMyLady · 03/04/2015 09:44

My dad lives 400 miles away, he was in my town a few weeks ago and didn't come to visit us, I'm not impressed. I only found out he was down here when someone said they saw him.

Deedeecupcake · 03/04/2015 09:45

I see my mum at least once a week, probably two to three if we have plans with each other.
I try to avoid seeing my DP parents as much a possible, they are not very nice people. MIL in particular has huge issues with cutting apron strings and if she had her way DP would still be going up to their house every day for dinner and she'd still be doing his washing!!!

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 03/04/2015 09:45

dawn who said they help? They are incredibly demanding human beings and help very little. I'm sorry that you have had so much loss and thus have so little support Flowers
And don't worry living I don't feel guilted at all, people make a lot of assumptions on aibu, I was waiting for that sort of comment to arise ! Grin

OP posts:
nokidshere · 03/04/2015 09:46

I have seen my parents twice in the past 5 years but we speak and Skype a few times each week. I see my lovely MIL every day because she lives next door to us ??

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 03/04/2015 09:46

wheres we see them 3 times a WEEK.

OP posts:
elderflowergin · 03/04/2015 09:47

I see my mum about 5 times a week, she picks up dd from school most days and i usually do something with her on a weekend, shopping, lunch etc. My in laws live about 5 hours drive away in a lovely seaside town so we see them every school holiday, and do speaks to them on the phone a few times a week.

MrsNuckyThompson · 03/04/2015 09:48

My PILs are dead.

We see my mother 3-4 times a year (she lives 500 miles away) and my father once a year (he lives abroad).

I'd love to see them more and for them to be closer but my choice to live where I do. Can see how seeing MiL so often would be annoying but equally be careful what you wish for. It is so hard not having local family to lean on from time to time.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 03/04/2015 09:48

I think some people have a very entitled view on this and actually if you spent less time trying to isolate your pil you might just find they don't try and force things so much*

Thanks for the unnecessary bashing. I see my mil a LOT more than my own fucking mother. I am as far from a selfish cow as you get actually. I put in a lot of effort, too much I think !

OP posts:
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