To ask how often you see your parents/in laws

[Sugarfreeriot]

I see my mum once a week, she comes over during the day and spends time with me and dd whilst dp is at work.
At the moment we are seeing dps parents on average 3 x a week and I don't think its a great idea.
For starters we get on better and the relationship between us and them is better when we see each other less, I find we tend to start pissing eachother off if we see eachother too often and the dynamic changes.
I see mil every Wednesday, on my own with dd. they then expect dp and I to spend another weekday evening in the form of dinner/cups of tea that last hours with them and another day during the weekend.
Why oh why are dils expected to have this close bond with mil? I don't see my mum demanding time with dp and dd? If my dad was about he sure as hell wouldn't force time with dp, so why are dil expected to keep in laws happy (esp mil) make plans and put in time while their partners make absolutely no effort with their own parents ?
I think this is the main problem a lot of mil/dils have, why you see so much "aibu or is my mil overbearing" on mumsnet.
I've told dp HE needs to deal with this from now on but it doesn't stop her messaging me instead of him and him not being able to say "no mum, we're busy but thank you".
I'm fed up of this sight of them but you give these people an inch they are a mile.

My dps side-
Grandparents come down every Saturday from 5pm until 9pm no matter what.
Fil comes every Sunday all day.
Mil comes every Monday from 3pm until around 7pm and another day in the week which she changes all the time.
Bil comes most days.
Other Bils and sil turn up every week at anytime they feel like.

My side-
No set days, they ring and ask if we're free. If we are we see them.

''why strange? would you feel the same if a female posted it about her own mum? Families are different and some have really close relationships and some don't - each to their own.''

I meant within my unit, as I am not in a relationship with a woman that is not really relevant. If my DH was going to have dinner with his mother three evenings a week, and speaking with her everyday I would find that strange. It would be a level of family contact I would not feel comfortable with. As it is he speaks to his parents once or twice a month and sees them about 4 times a year. They never phone on the land line so I never have to talk to them. That works fine for me.

As said, each family has its own level of acceptable contact. The problems arise when a couple have different expectations.

On average, about 3 or 4 times a year, each time being a visit of a few days to a couple of weeks. They live a 5-6 hour drive away.

I see my own parents - though my dad just died so from now on will just be my mum - probably about 5 or 6 times a year, once every couple of months, again for a few days to a week each time. They live even further away, but I am obviously more invested in seeing them! DP doesn't always cone when I go there, which is fine. I will probably go even more now though, after dad dying and mum being on her own.

I'd find it strange if a woman was having dinner with a parent 3 nights a week without their DP/H being there because I expect couples to live together and eat dinner together most nights based on what I do and what my friends and family do.

Parents never
inlaws as little as possible, once or twice a month.

my mum is dead, my father was remarried way before that to someone who thinks 'their own children' and gc are way more important than we are, in laws live in another country where one of them is probably in prison.
Actually there is noone who gives a fuck about us.
How terrible it must all be for you and your LOs'

My parents are dead-used to see my mum about x2 a month, which increased before she died to several times a week (was terminally ill with cancer so needed extra support.) Before she will il I'd speak to her about x2 a week, increased to daily while she was ill.

My inlaws are in Northern Ireland and we're in London so only see them a few times a year-my husband tries to get to see them as much as possible these days as they're getting on. He speaks to them about once a week, more if one is ill.

I'd find it strange if a woman was having dinner with a parent 3 nights a week without their DP/H being there because I expect couples to live together and eat dinner together most nights based on what I do and what my friends and family do

Because if you're there three times a week without your partner and DCs, it's a bit like you've never grown up and left home and have no appreciation of any family commitments or time.

I hate this expectation some parents/in-laws have. You must visit every Sunday or you must have dinner every Thursday and visit every Tuesday afternoon or whatever. Too much pressure and it turns visiting into an obligation. There's no consideration that people have their own lives and things to do.

I see PIL about twice a year, maybe less. I don't mind seeing them, but I leave it entirely to DH, and he can't be asked. I have my own parents to keep up with, so we see them far more often than my PIL, even though my parents live in another country and his are about an hour away. We talk to mine every week on Skype. We almost never have phone contact with his. I am not getting in the middle of whatever Is going on there.

We used to see DM about once every 2-3 weeks, she lives locally, now as she is elderly and cannot carry much, it is about twice a week as I get her shopping for her and do a few errands. Before this we never had set times for seeing the DP's. We see DMIL about every 3-4 weeks, she is not as elderly and lives further away.

DS (22) who lives about 150 miles away visits 2 or 3 times year and rings about once a week.

It's the expectation that gets to me. And fwiw when the expectations aren't met all hell breaks loose, tears/hysteria etc. it's the treading on eggshells I hate.
And also I do sympathise with those who's family don't bother but the whole "how horrible that your dc's have people that give a shit" thing isn't helpful/relevant. I lost my own father at 10- I apperica family but I appreciate having my own life too!

Take a bit of control and just start saying no. DH and I both work full time and mil lives a 100 miles away so bit different for us. I see my mum who lives 10 min drive away once a week on average but not every week if we are busy. Visit mil 2/3 times a year because we have to rather than want to - not a great relation ship between her and DH.

Also we've been married for 18 years and I have never bought a card or present for his side of the family - that's his responsibility not mine..

The tears/hysteria thing would drive me potty - thankfully neither my mum or mil are prone to such things. Think of her like a toddler - you wouldn't give in every time they cry because you've said/done something they don't like so why do it with her?? Unfortunately she's probably got very used to it working!

jellie unfortunately yes she is used to it working & dp is very used to it working on him.
I think it's a shame as would just like a normal relationship with them but boundaries are constantly pushed, it just pushes us away :/

I think monthly is as often as we have ever seen my parents (when they were still living) or ils, I couldn't do with anything else.

I see PIL about twice a year. They live 30 minutes away. Dh probably sees them a couple more times a year than I do.

I'm sorry OP I don't understand why you have let it come to this, and you shouldn't need your dp to sort it out.
If you aren't happy with the situation, say so.
Nobody comes round here uninvited or without calling first, everybody knows where they stand and it has always been the same.
You are an adult now and capable of making your own rules and telling ils what you will and won't agree to.

Come to this? They've been like this from day 1. I've just tried to be nice and have s normal relationship and want dd to see her grandparents and they've always pushed for more and more time etc, we push back they back off after getting very upset, then they calm down,, things slowly get back to normal and we spend time together again and seem to get on with boundaries in place and then they start pushing for more again and so they cycle continues

I see DM twice a week as she does childcare while I work. we probably text every day though. Sometimes see her briefly at the weekend but she works full time and has OCD serious issues with cleaning her house so that's not very often.
I avoid my stepdad like the plague so probably only see him at birthdays. I think this bothers my mum but frankly, I will not allow DD to feel like second best when DB and DSIS (his children) have children.

I see my FIL every day and I absolutely love it he has an annoying habit of falling off ladders so I regularly check to see if he is alive. He derives such obvious joy from seeing DD and she adores him. We will soon be living next door and we can't wait I see BILs at least four times a week- we all have Sunday lunch together every week.

mil unfortunately passed two years ago. She was very ill in a home so didn't know her as much as I would have liked too. I have no idea if we would have got on Sil hates my guts but I hope we would have done. Think we would have had very different parenting ideas though.

Watching this thread with interest. I wonder, when my son grows up, how much he'll want to see me and spend time with me/his father. Just musing really but although I'll appreciate he'll probably have his own life/family, I'd certainly want to see him at least fortnightly. I suppose it's all about individual circumstances.

I see my parents every week normally, they work shifts so I never know exactly what days off we'll both have together, so we make the most of any times we can get with one another. My DM will also have DS for me on odd days of the week so I see her at pick up/drop off but don't really count that as it is so quick. They live about 30mins away, if I didn't see them for a couple of weeks I'd get withdrawal symptoms I think! I speak to my DM 2-3 times a week on the phone.

We see PIL once every 2 months or so, sometimes monthly if they are not busy. FIL works abroad a lot and MIL is retired but does a lot of classes/hobbies and has her own life really. They call to speak to DH a few times a week but they don't really talk to me over the phone, preferring instead to arrange everything with my DH, which is preferable. In the beginning they expected me to take over planning and organising of DH's side of the family's events, which was not going to happen since I work f/t and now I have a baby.