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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how often you see your parents/in laws

120 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 03/04/2015 09:24

I see my mum once a week, she comes over during the day and spends time with me and dd whilst dp is at work.
At the moment we are seeing dps parents on average 3 x a week and I don't think its a great idea.
For starters we get on better and the relationship between us and them is better when we see each other less, I find we tend to start pissing eachother off if we see eachother too often and the dynamic changes.
I see mil every Wednesday, on my own with dd. they then expect dp and I to spend another weekday evening in the form of dinner/cups of tea that last hours with them and another day during the weekend.
Why oh why are dils expected to have this close bond with mil? I don't see my mum demanding time with dp and dd? If my dad was about he sure as hell wouldn't force time with dp, so why are dil expected to keep in laws happy (esp mil) make plans and put in time while their partners make absolutely no effort with their own parents ?
I think this is the main problem a lot of mil/dils have, why you see so much "aibu or is my mil overbearing" on mumsnet.
I've told dp HE needs to deal with this from now on but it doesn't stop her messaging me instead of him and him not being able to say "no mum, we're busy but thank you".
I'm fed up of this sight of them but you give these people an inch they are a mile.

OP posts:

TalkinPeace · 03/04/2015 11:15

Father : once every couple of years (phone every few months)
Mother : once every couple of months (phone about once a month)
In laws : now dead but once every couple of months (phoned about once a month)

I'm planning a better relationship with my kids so will aim for once a month when they leave home (phone once a week).

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2015 11:16

I guess I have trouble with the fact dp's relationship with his parents is left to me to organise and the more we see them the more demanding they become.

So, as is frequently the case in these situations, the problem is more with your DP than them.
You need to discuss this with him rather than confront them.

fellowship33 · 03/04/2015 11:21

OP sounds too me like you do LOADS with your pil. I would definitely find something to do on the weds so you aren't available, and I'd book up the weekends too. One evening a week is plenty.

I see mine a couple of times a year, sometimes more (they live 1.5 hours away), dh sees them every three weeks or so. See my mum most weeks because she does Childcare for me.

RabidFairy · 03/04/2015 11:27

DH and I work in a family business run by my mum, so we see her everyday and often at the weekends, too.
Both of our fathers live further afield so contact is limited, thankfully. They are both bastards in their own way.
MIL we used to see quite frequently, but it's tailed off over the years due to various reasons. Once we had children we had to limit the times we went to her house due to her house not being a very safe environment. That said DH and MIL talk on the phone a lot and he makes an effort to spend time with his non-adult siblings who live at home, so it's not down to me.

It seems very unfair that my mum gets way more than her "fair share" of contact with us and the kids, but that's the way it has to be. DH prefers having his mother at arms lengths as she can be very emotionally manipulative, although she's gotten better the more he keeps her to phone calls. He loves her, but she is hard work.

lolbeansansalad · 03/04/2015 11:33

We see both sets of parents about twice a month, but more if there is a birthday/event. I only see my DF a few times a year though. It used to be a bit more but this is the level of contact that we are happy with as we want some weekend time on our own too. I do get the impression that PILs might think that we are at my DMs more often but that is not the case, so meh.

Your MIL will be messaging you because as the woman you are expected to sort all these things out ;)

Joyfulleastersquad · 03/04/2015 11:40

Drop the day time visits on your own and only see them with DP.

My mil came everynight to see dd2 ten mins before she went to bed and she knew what time I took her up so there were tears quite a few of the times as she didn't want to go to bed. Why this woman thought she could alter my child's bed time I'll never know!

Any way! YABU. Be very busy and drop the day the visits. When they take root in the evening after a while go get a bath, chill out upstairs ect

Joyfulleastersquad · 03/04/2015 11:40

*YANBU - sorry! Dam head cold

HorraceTheOtter · 03/04/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShanghaiDiva · 03/04/2015 11:51

My mum- once per year. We live overseas.
Pils- last came 5 years ago as they don't like flying long haul.
I maintain contact with pils- birthday cards, gifts, photos of the kids etc- but expect dh to take some time off when they visit. Frankly fil drives me nuts and I need some time without him as otherwise I will be rude and don't want that to happen. Therefore dh needs to take fil and mil out on his own for one day during a visit.
I don't expect him to take any time off when my mum visits.

Musicaltheatremum · 03/04/2015 12:06

My mum and dad once every 2-3 months. They live 2.5 hours from us and are still busy. Speak once a week plus emails. Mil 2-3 times a year. She lives 1.5 hours from us. Used to phone every week but now I try and phone her once a month. I am widowed so find it hard. Children. Seen my daughter twice since christmas and son twice too. They are away at uni.daughter phones regularly and son texts with occasional call.

I have a busy life, my own friends and our children need to move on and have their own lives. My daughter is only home for 2 out of her 3 weeks holiday as she has a commitment through college. I was disappointed, said so but also told her it was her life. The three of us are still going away together in the summer for 2 weeks.

Corabell · 03/04/2015 12:27

Sugarfreeriot 3x a week is very frequent - especially as it seems to be all on their terms. I see my in laws 2-3 times a week but really it's because they want to see my DD. Prior to having her it would have been once every 2-3 months ( nothing to do with me though). They would be round a lot more if they could and I have felt under a great deal of pressure to spend a lot more time with MIL who is a perfectly nice - if smothering - woman.

A couple of their visits are in danger of becoming too routine. I'm happy for them to come and see DD on a sat morning but I want to be able to flexible too.

I see me parents about the same - if slightly more. However time wise it's probably the same as I might literally have a cup of tea with my mum and go whereas with MIL she might be around for 3 hours.

The right amount of time to spend is really what feels right to you. I would have to force my presence on someone and sometimes I feel that is what is in danger of happening with our PIL.

You are definitely not a "selfish cow" and while it's sad that other people dont benefit from parental or PIL support/ interest or time in their lives that's not your problem.

I suggest you curtail the time you spend with MIL one on one to every other week and the same for the weekend. Make other plans and preempt invitations with your own suggestions - maybe spending time with them in a different context will be more enjoyable.

Corabell · 03/04/2015 12:29

By the way I don't think a close bond is forged by spending more time together. I firmly believe quality time is important but what you have described sounds suffocating.

ComfortingCwtch · 03/04/2015 12:32

It sounds like that's too much. Once a week is enough perhaps?

Spermysextowel · 03/04/2015 12:51

We have tea at my mother's once a week. It used to be a necessity because of my shift pattern, but now it's not it'd seem unkind to stop doing it. Sometimes she drops in on her way to the shops so it varies between 1-5 times pw. She's lovely & I'm glad that my sons see her as person rather than a duty visit on birthdays etc.

Thisishowyoudisappear · 03/04/2015 13:07

I live 500 miles from my mum and see her about twice a year. See my dad less often. See my ILs about once a month/six weeks. Talk to my mum on the phone about once a week, my MIL and I email each other about once a fortnight.

elliejjtiny · 03/04/2015 13:20

We go to the same church as PIL and they live 30 mins away by car. We see them at church plus all day Sunday twice a month. My mum lives 3 hours drive away and we see her for a day every 3-6 months or so.

needaholidaynow · 03/04/2015 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mominatrix · 03/04/2015 13:40

Once every 2 years. That is plenty. DH sees them more often.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 03/04/2015 14:04

See my parents every month, usually. Sometimes more if there's special occasions. Usually only for a few hours unfortunately :(

See the ILs every couple of months?

We've implemented a rule of if you want to see us, you have to come and visit us. Last year we found ourselves travelling two hours every other weekend to see everyone. This is much better on us and DD. It means we don't see the ILs as much but they're free to come and visit whenever they want, the ball's in their court.

However I'm another whose MIL subscribes to the whole 'gained a daughter' thing. I have a mum, I'm perfectly happy with her and I don't need another. She means well but it grates.

I do wish we had family closer though. It would've been a major help!

Totality22 · 03/04/2015 14:06

See both my folks and PIL on average once a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

Live about a 20 minute walk from them both they live very close to each other

StrawberryTot · 03/04/2015 14:13

Mother: I haven't seen her for about 18 months and I have no contact with her and have no intentions of seeing her again. She is an alcoholic and a compulsive liar. My dad still talks to her on the phone every few days even though they separated over 20 years ago. She also speaks to the kids on skype.
Father: everyday, he lives with me as I'm his carer.
Mother in law: she passed away a few years ago, but we had regular contact and saw her every week.
Father in law: DP never met him.
Step father in law: separated from the mother in law but had regular contact with the grandkids, moved away a year ago to live down South with a lady he met on the Internet and haven't seen or heard from him since.

perfectlybroken · 03/04/2015 14:15

We see my parents once a week at the most, usually for a few hours. Dhs family are abroad and don't visit, but we go there at least twice a year. Both families are great and I'm happy with the arrangements.

KicktheBride · 03/04/2015 14:17

I see my mum three times a week, one of those times is a Sunday when we go there for Sunday dinner and I see my dad that day too as in the week he's at work.

I see my in laws twice a week, once without OH as he's at work, and once with :)

I love that we see each other often

proudmummywife · 03/04/2015 14:32

I see my parents 3 times a week. Dh days off he visit's my parents with the dc he loves my parents. His parents aren't very friendly and make snide comments towards me (I believe it's jealousy that we so close to my parents) dh visits once week I go once fortnight with him to keep him happy.

FryOneFatManic · 03/04/2015 14:37

I see my mum at least once a week, usually twice. Dad I see about 1-2 times. Mum is currently convalescing in a home, and hopefully she'll be home with Dad soon.

When home, I see them about once a week, with the DCs going to theirs for tea on Fridays, in addition. And there are phone calls too.

PILs are now dead, but we saw them less frequently, probably 1-2 a month. Simply put, DP was never anywhere near as close to his parents as I am to mine. I got on okay with MIL but she was just so different, a person I would never have got on with in any other situation. I think the age gap (approx 45 years) between us made a huge impact on how we related to each other, as she was very much a 1950s housewife, who gave up work on marriage, whereas I was always more modern, carrying on working even after the DCs arrived.

I left it to DP to lead on how we related and visited with his parents. I also made it clear from day 1 that cards, presents, etc for his family were his responsibility. My own family are large enough, I wasn't taking on more responsibility.

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