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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how often you see your parents/in laws

120 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 03/04/2015 09:24

I see my mum once a week, she comes over during the day and spends time with me and dd whilst dp is at work.
At the moment we are seeing dps parents on average 3 x a week and I don't think its a great idea.
For starters we get on better and the relationship between us and them is better when we see each other less, I find we tend to start pissing eachother off if we see eachother too often and the dynamic changes.
I see mil every Wednesday, on my own with dd. they then expect dp and I to spend another weekday evening in the form of dinner/cups of tea that last hours with them and another day during the weekend.
Why oh why are dils expected to have this close bond with mil? I don't see my mum demanding time with dp and dd? If my dad was about he sure as hell wouldn't force time with dp, so why are dil expected to keep in laws happy (esp mil) make plans and put in time while their partners make absolutely no effort with their own parents ?
I think this is the main problem a lot of mil/dils have, why you see so much "aibu or is my mil overbearing" on mumsnet.
I've told dp HE needs to deal with this from now on but it doesn't stop her messaging me instead of him and him not being able to say "no mum, we're busy but thank you".
I'm fed up of this sight of them but you give these people an inch they are a mile.

OP posts:

MayLuke83 · 03/04/2015 16:54

I see my mum once a week for a catch up, maybe twice if there's a birthday etc. My boyfriend's mother sees ds and dp weekly too (although I think she had expectations of more visits) and I see her probably fortnightly. Both DM/dp parent's live locally. Dp and I don't visit each other's parents separately though - I don't have much in common with his family and vice versa but we do make sure grandparents see ds at least weekly. So....you are definitely NBU. I think you do really well by your inlaws!

SukieTuesday · 03/04/2015 17:13

I see my parents about 3 times a year. We live a long way from them. I talk to my mother several times a week though for 40 minutes + a time and email her. I see my ILs about 3 times a year too. They live a lot closer. DH gets stressed at the thought of talking to or seeing them and over the years I've stopped trying to persuade him to have more contact with them.

I'd think about what bit in particular annoys you OP. Is it the obligation? That you feel you have to spend a day each weekend with them? That it falls on you to make excuses? If it feels like too much and it is making you resent them then sorting it out quickly will be better for everyone.

Gillian1980 · 03/04/2015 19:40

My DPs live 5 mins away and I see them about once a week or sometimes less if we're busy. Phone / text every other day.

PILs live about an hour away and see them every 4-6 weeks. In contact most weeks by phone.

We don't have any set arrangements as we're all so busy, but we enjoy meeting up when we can. I think when it feels like an obligation, an effort etc then it's time to look at making a change.

CalicoBlue · 03/04/2015 20:50

That sounds an awful lot of contact. I would not like that.

I see my mother about once every couple of months and speak to her on the phone weekly. She lives just over an hour away.

My father is dead.

My PIL do not like me much, so I have not been to their house in 4 years. Works for me, DH goes off on his own with his DS. They are friends with my Ex PIL and so there is a long back story. They live 3 hours drive away.

IUseAnyName · 03/04/2015 21:00

It's the sexist notion that gets me!.... We don't live near either sets of parents. But mil calls me atleast every other day for a chat!.... I mostly ignore the calls as it pisses me off that she NEVER calls her own ds for a chat! Always me!
I'm not a chatting person, esp with someone I have very little in common with. She's nice but I don't want to hear about her next door neighbours grandchild.
My mum isn't a call for a chat type of person either so we prob speak on average once month.

IUseAnyName · 03/04/2015 21:02

Mil thinks because I'm female I want to chat on the phone.
When we visit she insists I go to the supermarket with her (as thats what women do!) whilst dh stays at home!

sybilwibble · 03/04/2015 21:21

My own parents live 3+ hours away but because they are retired yet still healthy they visit us for a weekend every six weeks or so. Our relationship can be fraught at times and this level of contact suits us all.
My ils live 35 mins away. We get together at least 2 a month. They occasionally suggest a joint summer holiday. Whilst I do love them, I believe a holiday together would be damaging for our happy balanced relationship as my mil would wind me up...so politely decline.

BlacknWhitePanda · 03/04/2015 21:31

I see my mum once a year, my dad a few times a year.
My mil every week and more if I wanted but its very much on my terms.
Fil only a few times a year, dp hasn't forgiven him for his rubbish upbringing and I find him too scary to see on my own (he doesn't do anything to warrant scaring me... He just scares me)

Mominatrix · 03/04/2015 21:33

Realised that my response was incomplete:

I see my in-laws once every 2 years. I see my parents all summer and for an additional month on top of that.

FunMitFlags · 03/04/2015 21:48

Parents every 2/3 months
MIL once every 2 months

Plenty.

tortoisesarefab · 03/04/2015 21:50

I see my mum several times a week and the il's about twice. I also see my sisters a lot too, thought that was all normal until I came on mn!

2rebecca · 03/04/2015 22:05

My dad every few months as 8 hours away my in laws every few weeks. We both work and are busy. I would refuse to visit every week. My husband sees his parents more as he pops in after work sometimes. That's fine they're his parents. My husband doesn't feel obliged to see my rellies without me so I don't see why I should entertain his. Stop doing it if you don't want to. I don't understand women who choose to spend time with people then moan about it. Having children doesn't mean you have to live your life someone else's way. Start saying no and stop being their hobby

BoobooChild · 04/04/2015 11:16

Since having dd my mum comes over once or twice a week. I'm grateful for the company while I'm on maternity leave. My pils have barely seen dd. That is their own doing. I do not particularly like them but I want them to have a relationship with their gc, they do not make the effort yet act offended that we do not go to their house enough. It's v easy for them to get to us, but it's quite difficult for my dm.

I do not feel expected to see mil on my own or have a great bond with her. That part of your post is not true for me. Three times a week would be way too much though, I agree there!

BoobooChild · 04/04/2015 11:18

Mil would never call me for a chat either! She calls her son.

BoobooChild · 04/04/2015 11:20

Well actually... He calls her for a chat. His parents don't call him as well as not visiting

IlonaRN · 04/04/2015 13:08

My partner has dinner with his mum three times a week, and speaks to her on the phone every day.
I speak to her on the phone occasionally (if I'm home when she phones), and see her once a month or so.

My Mum lives abroad, so I see her about once a year, but speak to her on the phone most weekends and occasionally in the week (if there has been something important).

It works for us, though I suspect I will visit my Mum more or she may visit us more if/when we have a child.

CalicoBlue · 04/04/2015 13:14

My partner has dinner with his mum three times a week, and speaks to her on the phone every day.

I would find that much contact strange.

Ludways · 04/04/2015 13:17

We live near my parents and they do my child are three evenings a week, I see them a lot. I'm happy with that, but we don't live in each other's pockets, if circumstance means I don't see them for a while no one gets arsey.

PIL, we live in a different town to them but we usually go over for Sunday dinner every 2/3 weeks or so. Dh talks to his mum and they text throughout the week. They would never phone me for a chat but usually text on my birthday. I really like them, but we're not close.

autumnboys · 04/04/2015 13:19

My mum once a week when she picks my children up from school. Often one other time too.

PILS live several hours away, so 4-5 times a year, Skype every other week. They're moving a few hours closer hopefully, so would see them a little more often then.

CoodleMoodle · 04/04/2015 13:25

I see my DM twice a week, she comes down to us for a few hours to see me and DD. I've started taking DD to stay at hers for a few days every month (I stay as well).

We see PIL maybe once every three weeks, normally on a Sunday. They spend a lot more time with SIL (their DD) than us, even though she lives a lot further away, but that's fine with me. I do feel sorry for my DD as she doesn't really know them and it takes her a long time to get used to them... and then they leave! I like them but that does annoy me slightly as they then complain that DD cries when they try to get near her!

On the contrary she adores DM and often holds her arms out to her when she arrives, even if I'm holding her (DD is a slight velcro baby - especially when PIL turn up!).

Baddz · 04/04/2015 13:29

I see my mother every day since she was widowed as my siblings don't bother much :(
Pils...once a week usually unless they babysit for us (rare)

nokidshere · 04/04/2015 13:32

Everytime I read these threads I think there are so many problems that could be solved with better communication.

Just say "I'm sorry but I am busy on Wednesday this week" or "we cant make it at the weekend but will see you next weekend instead"

My MIL lives next door so I see her most days as I work from home. DH goes in to see her for half an hour or so every night after work and the boys, now they are older, sometimes pop in for 5 mins or sometimes stay for hours watching football or something with her.

But I haven't seen her for 2 days because I have been busy. I have no idea how she feels about it because I don't ask, I just say I am busy and the next time I see her I just carry on as normal. If she does happen to mention that she hasn't seen me for a couple of days (very rarely) I just say "I know I have been so busy this week".

Its only a drama because people seem to make it one - why would I need DH to tell her I am busy? I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. Sounds to me like people need to start being more assertive - and that doesn't mean nasty or aggressive, just definite about what you want to happen.

CalicoBlue "My partner has dinner with his mum three times a week, and speaks to her on the phone every day.

I would find that much contact strange"

why strange? would you feel the same if a female posted it about her own mum? Families are different and some have really close relationships and some don't - each to their own.

bigfam · 04/04/2015 13:38

My mum's the biggest waste of space ever, I'd be quite happy to never see her again.
My dads a fantastic man and I see him between a couple and a few times a week depending on work, and the pil's, my mil comes round a couple of times a week on her own to see the kids, fil only comes occasionally.

concretekitten · 04/04/2015 13:39

I see my PIL probably once every 2-3 months, mainly if it's someone's birthday or a special occasion.
I don't really like them, I work weekends so that works out well for me, it means DH can take the kids to see them without me having to go and then the day I'm not working in the weekend I get to spend having quality family time.
MIL has never been interested in seeing me, she would rather have the DCs to herself, she likes to play being 'Mummy' to them weird!

We see my mum several times a week because she helps with childcare in the week.

Before DH moved in with me MIL used to be a nightmare for arranging things for her, DH and DSC. She'd just inform him on a Saturday night that she'd booked tickets for them all to go to the zoo/aquarium/theme park the next day, without even bothering to check whether he had any plans

LargeGlassofWhite · 04/04/2015 13:44

''why strange? would you feel the same if a female posted it about her own mum? Families are different and some have really close relationships and some don't - each to their own.''

I don't think I could be much closer to my Mum, we're really close, I tell her everything, speak to her at least once a day but usually much more.... but I don't have dinner with her 3 times a week. She understands that I have my own life, my own commitments, my own family.
You can be close to family without having to share meal times with them.

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