To ask how often you see your parents/in laws

[Sugarfreeriot]

I see my mum once a week, she comes over during the day and spends time with me and dd whilst dp is at work.
At the moment we are seeing dps parents on average 3 x a week and I don't think its a great idea.
For starters we get on better and the relationship between us and them is better when we see each other less, I find we tend to start pissing eachother off if we see eachother too often and the dynamic changes.
I see mil every Wednesday, on my own with dd. they then expect dp and I to spend another weekday evening in the form of dinner/cups of tea that last hours with them and another day during the weekend.
Why oh why are dils expected to have this close bond with mil? I don't see my mum demanding time with dp and dd? If my dad was about he sure as hell wouldn't force time with dp, so why are dil expected to keep in laws happy (esp mil) make plans and put in time while their partners make absolutely no effort with their own parents ?
I think this is the main problem a lot of mil/dils have, why you see so much "aibu or is my mil overbearing" on mumsnet.
I've told dp HE needs to deal with this from now on but it doesn't stop her messaging me instead of him and him not being able to say "no mum, we're busy but thank you".
I'm fed up of this sight of them but you give these people an inch they are a mile.

My pils have passed away and my parents live on the otherside of the country so only see them a few times a year. We do a lot of Skype with t h the kids so it compensates for the lack of physical t rips but I do agree with you that the less you see them, the better you get on.

Could you increase your social circle/hobbies etc to make yourself unavailable throughout the week so it's not too obvious iyswim. Invite friends for dinner on the nights that they expect you & could you go to the gym/swim on another day/night so your oh has to baby sit. I had to introduce a similar system with my sils as visiting them at their insistence every weekend was too much, now that we see each other less we get on better.

I used to see my mum 2-4 times a week. Then every day when she lived with us :) In the care home, I went every other day, then a couple of times a week and then once or twice a week when she no longer knew who I was :(

I used to go mostly when my H was doing something else. He mainly did birthdays, chrismas and other occasional visits (until she came to live with us obvs).

With my MIL, he used to go every week at least once. Sometimes I went too, sometimes not. Sometimes we woukd visit both mums at the same time separately with the other popping in to say hello. When I was on Mat leave I used to visit on my own with DS.

Sadly both mums are no longer with us.

YANBU to reduce visits to your in laws OP. If she is seeing you in the week with DC carry on with that and then just go as a family once a week or every couple of weeks. Perhaps your DH can visit without you sometimes and take the DC to give you a break, chance to get your hair done or whatever.

No need to make a big thing, just say some weeks that you have plans. Reduce it gradually.

As a family we see in laws every 2-4weeks. They live 5 miles away but we don't drive. Occasionally inlaws have DS for the day I between.

We never spend time as a family with my mum and her partner but I see her nearly every week with LO whilst OH is at work.
I'm happy to see my mum 2-3 times a week if I could, transport is my only issue. I'm happy with the inlaws arrangement.

I'm very much in the 'deal with your own parents' camp- I try and avoid spending too much time alone with my MIL because she really irritates me, and I don't have the patience needed. Then I feel mean because she's really ok just very different and has very different opinions and expectations (she is very 'full on' and gushy, but in a following me round talking at me way, not a 'hands on' way IYSWIM) I'm not really very close to my own mum either and definitely don't have any reason to want some sort of daughter type relationship with my MIL. But I do try to get on well and my husband now understands and takes the pressure off by making sure he gets to see her on his own with DCs too. They have all benefitted from that. Also encouraging MIL to develop some female friends too. You will probably find as your DD gets older it will fall by the wayside naturally as she starts more evening activities, but you could circumvent it sometimes now by suggesting your DH goes to tea with them on his own some weeks while you go and do something they would see as being 'worthwhile' -evening classes or exercise club/class (with of course a pizza/pub after) can be good for that. Don't know if that helps. It makes me sound a bit mean, but I honestly just want everyone to get on well and be happy, (and that includes me!!)

Oh and it is normal for her to contact you. A huge generalisation but Women chat better and generally make the arrangements to do stuff. My H used to need reminding to ring his mum and wouldn't plan much of anything without a prod. I used to prod though as really it was him that she wanted to see and talk to, not me (though she was lovely and we got on great). I could spend hours drinking tea and chatting with my mum but he would read a paper or something when visiting! My mum didn't seem to mind as my dad always did the same at my grandparents and yet he was a great talker.

Ok so you need to start with the sloping shoulders.

If she texts you - say 'No idea, will ask DH to let you know' then pass the message on and let him complete the job.

Next time 'no idea, have you asked DH'
Then
'No idea, why not text DH and ask him?'

Keep moving it back on her to ask him. Start doing something else on those Wednesdays or at the weekends.

I think it's so different for everyone evidently.
I guess I have trouble with the fact dps relationship with his parents is left to me to organise and the more we see them the more demanding they become.
I make effort to include my pil with things & make them feel welcome etc but they seem to push for more.
Fwiw we haven't had a great relationship and mil needs to cut the apron strings/umbilical cord and we've tried to build a decent relationship but whatever we do it's never quiet enough.
I think I do need to be a bit more busy.

My in laws live in irland and are not that instrested so possibly once every two years bearing in mind they come to England loads to visit sil which pisses oh off loads sometimes we only know they have visited once their back

3 or 4 times a year
My parents like three hours away
Inlaws live five hours away

sugarfree YADNBU. Forgot to put that! And my DM is in a different country so I only see her maybe 2-3 times a year. Which suits me fine and if it were less that would be even better. I don't ever expect much from her and am curious to know what sort of relationship she will develop with DD. She has none with my DNs which is to be fair because they are in NZ and DB also is low on contact.

I am baffled as to why, particularly if you are close with your own mother, why you would go our of your any to see more of your MIL if you didn't really want to, and over that of your own mother? It is up to the sons to make the effort with their own parents - why should daughter in laws bend over backwards? Yes be polite and friendly, and if you want your dcs to have a relationship with them then you can drop them round etc but this need to be in each others pockets all the time is strange.

If the son isn't making the effort I don't see how it's up to the daughter in law to make up the difference.

Sorry x post. It is your DH's responsibility to maintain that not you. Agree with a pp you should always push it back to him to deal with.

Used to see my lovely mum about 4-5 times a week. She was my best friend. What a rock she was. Now she has dementia and in a care home I see her once or twice a month because it's just heartbreaking. She's in a living hell. I grieve every time I see her and when I visit her it makes her unhappy because somewhere deep inside her muddled up brain she remembers she had a better life than the miserable existence she know has.

I had a lovely mil. Would mind the kids at the drop of a hat. Saw her about two to three times a week.

Pil....couldn't stand . Once a year was enough ( but the reality was more).

I see my dm 2-3 times a week at the minute as she's helping me take care of ds and bringing me hospital appointments and will help us in the early days of twins in the near future! only see my dad if I go to their house.
see pil's maybe once every 2 weeks, they wouldn't be as hands on but would always help if they could. I'm the one that arranges childcare lifts for my appointments etc so I'm always going to feel more comfortable asking my mam so that's why we see her more!

Yes -definitely be more busy I guess it can be a generational thing and about how little some older women have really socialised outside the home/family, and maybe some MILs are a bit lonely because of it.

Inlaws twice a year. Dad at least once a week.

Even if the inlaws lived locally I would choose to see my dad far more frequent than inlaws, because he's MY dad. DH could see the inlaws as and when he wanted because they're HIS parents. See how that works?

We haven't seen either set of parents yet this year.
My Dad and StepMum live 3-4 hours away, and although I like my SM and I'm glad my Dad has someone since my Mum died 17 years ago, she's not really my type. Too much gushing on about her grown up kids and too money obsessed despite saying that all she wants is a simple life.

PiLs live in Lanzarote with their 2 adult DDs and older SiL's DS. We last saw them on October 9th and will see them again on June 5th, as they are coming back here to holiday in Scotland with us. It was my idea and the closer we get to June 5th the more I am berating myself for my stupidity. It's not MiL but FiL. He already wants to know what time we'll set off for Scotland on the morning of the 6th, having all stayed in a hotel near Liverpool Airport, which is where they are flying into. Also, where will we have dinner on the evening of the 5th? I DON'T KNOW FIL - IT IS STILL 2 MONTHS AWAY!!!!

Fortunately, he annoys DH just as much.

We only see the in laws once a year because they live miles away from us.So once a year we book a holiday for a week near where they live.It costs us a fortune but we all enjoy it.My husband speaks to his Mum now and again on the phone or they email each other now and again.She's not very maternal sadly.

My Mum sadly passed away last year and we see my Dad a few times a month,I have really bad health so although he doesn't live that far from us my health means we don't see him as much as I feel we should.

In-laws, once or twice a year

My parents once a week

I see my mum once or twice a week (when hubby is at work) and she occasionally comes for sunday lunch etc but we talk everyday and she has a brill relationship with dd.

My mil comes round once a week on an evening after work but hubby sorts that out. Fil comes round maybe once a month (theyre still together btw).

Im friendly with mil but definitely see it as my husbands job to arrange stuff. Id fall over if i walked in one day and saw my mum and husband having a gossip lol

Well I live with my in laws (although not forever), so currently I see them all the time! It can be an issue as I feel like they take over the parenting at times, but they are great with the DC generally.

My parents don't live near us so I see them once a month or so but I speak to my DM regularly.

I'm always a bit at in laws who demand visits, especially on weekends. There's no consideration for the fact you might have plans to do something else.

dp could see his parents WHENEVER he wanted. This is te thing, I really don't see what the fuck it's got to do with me?
His dad is itching to do "father son" days ie/ bike rides, gym, clay pigeon shooting etc and he doesn't want to know- that's his problem and tbh a shame but I think he's had a troubled relationship with them both. But mil then uses me as a tool to get the regular vistits etc, she's not a horrendous person but she does have some crazy moments and do/says some odd things and if I have to listen to it 3x a week (she's worse on Wednesday on our own) I find it hard to like her, and I WANT to like her, she's my mil.
Their neediness makes me want to have more than 1 child she only has dp and I think itd a huge part of the problem.
our Easter weekend is slowly being filled up with seeing them...today, tomorrow and Sunday at this rate they are nagging for. I feel mean but I just want a break from being bombarded with people!

I also don't see why DH seeing his parents has anything to do with me.

It did help me to realise where my MIL was coming from. FIL is a dick who nowadays you would get divorced from. In her generation you stayed and behaved like a doormat. She gave up work early on, and had the kids, sticking to the 'rules of society' and keeping up with the neighbours to entertain her. So things like using a doily and sending the right cards are very very important to her. When we see her she clings to me like glue as she is bored out of her head and wants someone to talk to and FIL and DH don't do it. Of course DH doesn't want to talk to her because she is boring so in a very sad way, sticking to a 1950s gender role has pushed them apart, not made them closer. And given him the impression he has no responsibility at all for maintaining family relationships.

Of course her clinging drove me nuts and me declining to be the card and social organiser upset her as effectively I was saying the choices she'd made in her life were crap and she put up with her thwarted life with FIL for nothing.

It helped me when I realised this. We now largely stick to things we have in common and if you talk to her for long enough she can realise that the Daily Fail is not the word of God. But that's a new and scary place for her and it's hard to challenge the values you lived by for 70 years.

I'd suggest next time they ring, keep passing her on to DH to do the organizing. Eventually both she and your DH will get the message - and you might even end up liking her!

See my mother most days as I just pop in to check on her tbh, mil/sil (live up each other arses ;-) ) I used to see at least once a week but since the change in them towards me I have stopped going but dp still takes dc I once weekly

I see my parents several times a week, but mainly because they round the corner and they look after my dd when I'm at work. Dps parents live an hr and a half away, dd isn't always welcome there so I see them 2-3 times a year, which suits me to be honest. Ex-il (dd's Gp) live abroad and I make sure I see them once a yr abroad and several times when they are back in the UK. Dd loves her Gp and I like them too

I see my inlaws about once every two to three months and my parents (currently) once every 15 years.