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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask why did you have children?

143 replies

Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 19:29

I have been pondering this for a while. Sorry if this post seems a bit garbled

Sleepless nights at the start followed by the usual stress of having toddlers etc. Massive life changes. Utter exhaustion. Strain on relationships.
One of my children had a life threatening illness for a while and nearly didn't make it. I was living a hellish nightmare with no waking up.
I worry about them most days I guess.
I worry about them going away and being out in the world.
Have had countless days of tantrums, teen dramas, stressful confrontations
Constant battles to get them to help in the house and clean up after themselves.

I love them so much it hurts and I suppose this is why I ask the question.
I didn't plan to have them.... they were the result of poor maths calculations on my part. Was on my own with them for quite a long time.

What actually motivates us to put ourselves through all of it.
I would love to hear other's thoughts
This is a genuine question.

OP posts:

MummyPig24 · 03/04/2015 06:37

I hadn't even thought about having children when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 19 and too far along to do anything about it. My two options were adoption or raising the baby alone. I opted for the latter. I met my now husband when dc1 was 4 months old and we had dc2 when he was 2.4. We wanted a child together and a sibling for dc1. We got married and really wanted another so had another last year. That's it now.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 03/04/2015 07:16

I've wanted kids since I was 12! When I failed to use contraception properly at 17 and fell pregnant I couldn't imagine life without my baby and knew what a change to my life it would be. I hated my life at home and my job was only just kicking off but a baby was more important to me. 4 years later after loads of nagging we decided we're ready to try again and expecting this August so I'm looking forward to the challenges all over again this summer. It's nice having someone to love who depends on you so much and sees you as their life

BananaLeaf · 03/04/2015 07:59

The broody button went off practically the day I turned 30. I think it's biological. Before that I wasn't interested. It then took another 5 years until I met the right person and then I couldn't conceive!
Had some fertility treatment but decided not to have IVF. Had dealt with all the feelings of failure, and the monthly heartbreak of period arriving and had come to terms with being childless. Surprisingly ended up falling pregnant naturally at 40 and had DD at 41. So only took 11 years .
I absolutely adore her. It's been brilliant and really opened up my world.
Would love to have another (in theory!) but I'm not putting myself through that pressure/torture of TTC again, especially as I'm even older now! But if it happens it happens.

Purpleflamingos · 03/04/2015 08:09

I've wanted babies since I was 13.
I did wait another 13 years before meeting DH and took another 2 to save and plan a wedding first.

thatsn0tmyname · 03/04/2015 08:15

Curiosity, not wanting to be lonely when parents died, always thought I'd be a parent one day but running out of time.

Wistfulthinking · 03/04/2015 10:06

After my Dad died in my early twenties I decided I did want to marry and have a family after not being very interested in these things before then. It was nearly another 10 years before I had my first child and with secondary infertility almost 15 before we had a second. I am delighted to have our little family now.

Asheth · 03/04/2015 10:11

I had my first because I wanted to be a mum, my second so DC1 could have a sibling and my third by accident! Totally adore all three!

dragdownthemoon · 03/04/2015 11:31

Life seemed hopelessly long and pointless without having children. They literally gave me a reason to be alive.

LotusLight · 03/04/2015 11:58

Huge biological need. Not having them from age 14 to 22 was difficult and 22 was the right age for me (I have though always worked full time and earn a lot so therefore have a nice and balanced life and children do well - women who go part time or don't earn much or nothing tend to find that backfires on them).

TheOriginalWinkly · 03/04/2015 12:24

I needed it with every fibre of my being. Married at 28, finally had DD 3 weeks before I turned 33. She's 9 months now and incredible. That said, I don't really feel like a mum or that she's my daughter, it's more like I'm taking care of a little person who happens to live with us. I'd like another soon-ish, more for a sibling for DD than the great visceral need like before.

bonniebear · 03/04/2015 12:29

Like most people I know I got to my teens got very broody had kids. Biology I suppose!

Pyjamasandwine · 03/04/2015 12:31

Far too much wine!

4 times.

TheOriginalWinkly · 03/04/2015 12:32

Funny enough I was having this conversation with DH yesterday. I wasn't bored before DD, far from it, I had a great social life, nice holidays, fancy dinners out, and in a lot of ways having children makes no sense. They're exhausting and cost a fortune, plus they fuck your body and unless you have amazing childcare they screw your working life to an extent.

Pyjamasandwine · 03/04/2015 12:37

TheOriginàlWinkly

Very interesting that you say you don't feel like a mother but more like you are taking care of your child.

I felt exactly like that with ds1 and it was only when ds2 came along 16 months later it all clicked and I felt immediately different and a mom.

I think it's more commen than you might think as it can take a while for the encompassing love to take over..

I think it's a type of post natal depression actually and not often talked about because you take care of this little person but feel slightly detached?

Adore them all of course but it took my second child to make sense of the role of mom.

slightlyconfused85 · 03/04/2015 12:57

1 contraception fail. Never planned to have children. Turns out We are so pleased with her and largely enjoy watching her grow that weve decided to purposely do it again

WoodliceCollection · 03/04/2015 13:25

Because I got pregnant whilst using contraception/thinking partner would use contraception but he failed to, and am very uncomfortable with the idea of abortion (for myself, I don't care what other people do really, that's up to them). Obviously I am glad to have my children, but neither of them was a real choice, other than the choice not to do something I have moral qualms about which is hardly what a sane person would consider choice. It's like asking why I chose to be short, or good at science, etc. Things can have positive sides without being something the person chose. I strongly feel the world would be a better place if we accepted more random occurrences rather than insisting on everything being a choice made by humans.

FenellaFellorick · 03/04/2015 13:29

I really wanted them. I had a physical ache for them. I used to hurt every time I saw other people's babies.

I can't even pretend there was anything logical, rational or reasoned about it.

It was a purely biological, animal, instinctive need to have children. I had to have them.

Beaker12 · 03/04/2015 13:44

Pyjamas - you have described exactly how I felt. As soon as DS2 was born it suddenly all made sense and I felt like a mum. Before that it was more a role I was fulfilling - I think having a second child has made me a better mum to both my children, which was a huge surprise as he was an unplanned accident!

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