Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask why did you have children?

143 replies

Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 19:29

I have been pondering this for a while. Sorry if this post seems a bit garbled

Sleepless nights at the start followed by the usual stress of having toddlers etc. Massive life changes. Utter exhaustion. Strain on relationships.
One of my children had a life threatening illness for a while and nearly didn't make it. I was living a hellish nightmare with no waking up.
I worry about them most days I guess.
I worry about them going away and being out in the world.
Have had countless days of tantrums, teen dramas, stressful confrontations
Constant battles to get them to help in the house and clean up after themselves.

I love them so much it hurts and I suppose this is why I ask the question.
I didn't plan to have them.... they were the result of poor maths calculations on my part. Was on my own with them for quite a long time.

What actually motivates us to put ourselves through all of it.
I would love to hear other's thoughts
This is a genuine question.

OP posts:
ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 02/04/2015 21:05

Pull failure and I was 3 month gone before I found out in denial for a month

I never wanted kids.

CoveredInWit · 02/04/2015 21:06

Bit bored in the evenings and thought a baby might be better than taking up bridge or something.

That, and DH wanted an excuse to buy a train set. Which DD duly received for her first Christmas and has yet to do anything with other than chew Grin

BertieBotts · 02/04/2015 21:07

Always wanted them.

I wish I'd thought it through a bit more or at least left it until I was in a better position. :(

weedinthepool · 02/04/2015 21:19

I was utterly utterly obsessed with having a baby from a really young age. I just needed to. I thought being pregnant and having a baby would be IT, it would fill the hole.

Then hyperemesis hit and my partner left me when I was 8 weeks (due to the hyperemesis!) and I realised that actually this might not be the dream I thought it was. Then DS1 was born and single parenting a newborn was beyond difficult.

I went on to have 2 more children as that need to be pregnant came back and I had DS2 and Dd in a marriage and wanted to 'do it properly'. Now I'm on my own again due to an abusive arse and it's a bit of a nightmare Sad Sad I can't say I enjoy it. I'm a bit pissed off with myself that I gave in to that urge.

fattymcChocolateEgg · 02/04/2015 21:20

cantbelieve I do feel selfish as I had a child to make me feel better iyswim. but having my children is something I could never have imagined. I didn't realise that I would feel such love towards them and that even before they were born I would be so fiercely protective.

I didn't realise I could laugh so much or cry so much and just enjoy being alive. I didn't realise that seeing their personalities emerge would fill me with such joy and hope for their future. I didn't realise that I would want someone else to be happy above myself. that they would become my life and that life wouldnt be the same without them in it. Smile

Topseyt · 02/04/2015 21:24

It never occurred to me not to at least try to have children. I have three daughters aged (almost) 20, 16 and 12.

I am not an overly maternal type but I wouldn't be without them. I love my own kids to bits. I tolerate others, but with much less enthusiasm than my own.

It hasn't been easy, far from it. The baby years were exhausting, the toddler and infant school years too. The teenage years are a rollercoaster. Wouldn't change a thing, even though they have sent me grey haired before I thought it might happen. WinkGrin

BertieBotts · 02/04/2015 21:29

Isn't it crazy how 99% of answers on this thread are just "because I wanted to" or "because I wanted to see what it was like".

Those were my reasons too but holy shit. I can't believe, looking back, that I thought it would be a good idea just based on those things! Shock

OrinocoTheWomble · 02/04/2015 21:34

Never really thought about having children. Never liked dolls as a child. Liked my job and my life. At age 35 me and DH decided to give it a go because we both wanted a baby. We couldn't get pregnant. Suddenly it became very important (always want what you can't have). IVF worked and we have a lovely DS(8). That was enough though - no more IVF or babies - I couldn't quite comprehend how you could love two children - one takes all our love! He's adorable, kind, loving and I love him more than life itself. Too much probably. I've fallen into being a SAHM very happily (though cleaning is very boring). He was a great/easy/uncomplicated baby/toddler - no problems. Slept well. It's still good. But I find the worrying too much sometimes. Are they doing well at school, have they got friends, are they happy, bored etc and so on. Life is so much easier when you only have yourself to worry about! When I go to bed my favourite (imaginary) thing to think about is the design of my OWN one bedroom flat in central London (money no object in my imagination) that I live in ALL ON MY OWN, and how lovely and tidy my life would be. Terrible really!

BsshBosh · 02/04/2015 21:36

OP you've been through a lot so I can see why you feel the way you do.

My DD (6.5) was a very easy baby and is now an easy child. Parenting her has been an overall stress-free experience so far.

I was never bothered about children and have never been broody. But I could see that DH would have liked a child and I could see how brilliant he was with other people's children...

So I had one.

Blimey I'm so glad I did. What a wonder she is in my life. My life really has been enhanced having her in it. What a lovely adventure seeing life through her eyes!

Original poster
Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 21:43

Perhaps a certain amount of ignorance is bliss. We can never know what it is really like until we have our own. Observing other people and their experiences with their own children can never really prepare us. I remember I said to my mum that I will never let my two watch TV, plan on making all their meals from scratch and they would have wall to wall activities to do. She laughed long and hard. I can now see why Grin

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 02/04/2015 21:47

Because I had a very unhappy life as a child and always longed to be part of a safe, happy, loving family unit. That is what we now have.

TheCatAteMyEasterEgg · 02/04/2015 21:47

Isn't it crazy how 99% of answers on this thread are just "because I wanted to" or "because I wanted to see what it was like".

That's pretty much what life is, Bertie, trying something to see if you like it.

With children though, you are stuck with them whether you like it or not [or until social services take him/her/them away [tbushocked] and society as a whole hoicks up its judgeypants - it could have happened to any of us]

No-one really knows whether they will be a good parent or not, it's all a learning experience, and every parent starts out as an amateur [unless you are the eldest in a large family].

Admit you are crap at it, and you can only improve.

Original poster
Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 21:52

Sorry to hear that Mama
Sounds like you have found some peace at last Flowers

OP posts:
maddening · 02/04/2015 21:54

I really wanted a baby and went through ttc and mc and have ds but there was one time in the first days I thought "what the fuck have I done - why on earth did I think that this was a good idea " Grin it is relentless but I love it ??

iniquity · 02/04/2015 21:57

At the end of the day I feel that having children is the only thing that really matters.
It is enormously satisfying creating new people who I hope will go onto lead their own story and carry on when I'm long gone.

jamdonut · 02/04/2015 22:02

I thought I wasn't mother material, and had no urge to become one. All 3 were "accidents" ,particularly number 3. However we managed somehow and I think I've been a pretty good mother on the whole! They are 22,18 and ( nearly) 15 now , and we are moving into a whole new era with them with all the trials and tribulations that being adults brings!Wink

Charlotte3333 · 02/04/2015 22:07

With DS1 I got pregnant because I was young and stupid and didn't really think it through. DS2 I got pregnant because I met someone awesome, got married and we decided to try for a baby. Although everyone is forever telling me 2 is plenty, I really desperately want another. But I think we'd go from being a relaxed, calm family to being one of those screechy fishwife families always yawping in the supermarket at the children. So we're not.

MamaLazarou · 02/04/2015 22:11

Thank you, OP. I have a very happy life now. Smile

JugglingFromHereToThere · 02/04/2015 22:11

I think there's a strong biological imperative - meaning I hit 30's and really wanted a baby - I know this even more because TTC took a year and I was miserable when it wasn't happening
To do the family thing
Because I like babies and children
For my parents (to be grandparents again)

And answer that came to me for this thread .... because it was there to be done Easter Grin

Same kind of reason I once climbed Snowdon and - another time - did a parachute jump Easter Smile

EstRusMum · 02/04/2015 22:12

Unconditional unlimited love was the reason. My children love me without any reason.

BsshBosh · 02/04/2015 22:20

To add to my previous post... Now DD is in my life I am very proud to have gifted her to the world. It's not why I had a child but now she's here and a unique and amazing little individual I am glad to have added her to the world's population Grin.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 02/04/2015 22:21

Following my earlier flippant post...

I never thought I really wanted to have children per se but I did want to be a mother. Does that make sense? The experience of motherhood was important to me. I think of myself as quite emotionally immature and I suppose I needed something to give me gravitas. Smile

I like babies but am not very good with them - a little bit neurotic and afraid of hurting them. For example I read the calpol bottle 3 times and double check doses and write down the timings! But I love watching them grow older and become little human beings with their own tastes and opinions. Before I had DS1 I knew nothing about dinosaurs, castles, Star Wars and video games - now I'm an expert. I wonder what DS2 will be into.

manicinsomniac · 02/04/2015 22:37

I'm strangely comforted to see how many people never wanted children and got pregnant by accident. I always feel like I'm the only one!

Original poster
Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 22:44

Really lovely and thought provoking responses in this thread. Thank you for taking the time to post.

manic I was thinking that to Smile

OP posts:
Beth2511 · 02/04/2015 22:48

because when they smile at you or tell you they love you or cuddle you.. it is all so so worth it.