Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask why did you have children?

143 replies

Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/04/2015 19:29

I have been pondering this for a while. Sorry if this post seems a bit garbled

Sleepless nights at the start followed by the usual stress of having toddlers etc. Massive life changes. Utter exhaustion. Strain on relationships.
One of my children had a life threatening illness for a while and nearly didn't make it. I was living a hellish nightmare with no waking up.
I worry about them most days I guess.
I worry about them going away and being out in the world.
Have had countless days of tantrums, teen dramas, stressful confrontations
Constant battles to get them to help in the house and clean up after themselves.

I love them so much it hurts and I suppose this is why I ask the question.
I didn't plan to have them.... they were the result of poor maths calculations on my part. Was on my own with them for quite a long time.

What actually motivates us to put ourselves through all of it.
I would love to hear other's thoughts
This is a genuine question.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 02/04/2015 22:55

No idea,really.
It just sort of happened -being pregnant was a bit of an adventure so I just went with it..

Tuono · 02/04/2015 22:58

Chianti.

I became teetotal from pregnancy test onwards.

Hence just the one child.

JohnCusacksWife · 02/04/2015 23:27

I just always pictured a happy wee family in my head. I wasn't ready to start trying until I was 30 but when nothing happened it just crystallised in my mind that this was something I desperately wanted. 4 long years and many hard times later we finally had our DD1 and then, miraculously, 18 months later, our DD2. They are the light of my life and I cannot imagine how much poorer my life would have been without them. If I could do it all again tomorrow I would, without hesitation. Being a mum is the best thing in my life and also the thing I'm best at. I just love it.

bananaandcustard · 02/04/2015 23:39

I wanted to be a mother. thankfully my partner wanted to be a father.
I dont think he ever thought he wanted to be the father of four children, but thats what we had.

I am not fussed about being a grandmother and will never put pressure on my children to make me one.

pillowaddict · 02/04/2015 23:51

Because I felt jealous when a close friend was pregnant. And it and me think about what if? And dh was desperate to be a father. And it 'happened' and I was secretly delighted

pillowaddict · 02/04/2015 23:52

(And didn't know how hard pregnancy and labour really were!)

DowntownFunk · 02/04/2015 23:54

We got fed up of all the spare time and extra cash.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/04/2015 00:07

DH and I discussed this a lot. It wasn't a given. Neither of us "like children" per se. We decided that since we were more than 50% sure we wanted kids and we thought we would regret it if we didn't have kids that we should. It's turned out to be the right decision - having DD is the most important thing I've ever done, she's amazing.

ComposHatComesBack · 03/04/2015 00:10

As soon as I had my daughter, I honestly felt like the world made more sense. I had never known that it was possible to love someone that much. I did a lot of growing up very quickly because I wanted to be a better person for her, and she is so worth it.

I have never had a deep yearning for a child and at 35 without a stable job, it doesn't look like it is will happen. Most of the time I am fine about this, but occasionally I grieve the fact that this I won't feel what this poster has described and wonder if I will have a life half lived.

Sgtmajormummy · 03/04/2015 00:16

Number one: I stopped taking the pill and we got caught before we'd decided on an alternative method! That brought our hazy plans for a family into focus very abruptly! No regrets.
Number two: I wanted another little person to cherish and spoil.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/04/2015 00:18

Compos you're only 35. I had DD at 37 and I plan to give her a sibling.

LadyGregory · 03/04/2015 00:21

Compos, for what it's worth, I think that for everyone who feels the world suddenly made more sense after they had a child, there's another who feels the opposite - that the world, and the future in particular, suddenly become far more frightening, arbitrary and hostile when you think of your child having to grow up in it.

And as someone who spent 40 years contentedly childfree before having my son, I honestly think they are two equally valid ways of living. Not to minimise your feelings, of course.

ComposHatComesBack · 03/04/2015 00:22

It isn't the age thing, so much as I don't have any deep yearning for children and I can't feel myself moving towards it. If I felt 'yeah not now, but in 5 years time we'll go for it' I have remained in the same 'not for me thanks', twinged with very occasional pangs of uncertainty since my early 20s.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/04/2015 00:26

You can only be yourself. For me, the idea of childlessness was marginally less appealing that the idea of children. It was a close race. Had it gone the other way I can see lots of upsides to childlessness that are not the selfish trope that people like to talk about.

ComposHatComesBack · 03/04/2015 00:26

child, there's another who feels the opposite - that the world, and the future in particular, suddenly become far more frightening, arbitrary and hostile when you think of your child having to grow up in it.

I guess that people would be very unlikely to say that, even on an internet forum. There must be people who regret having children, but powerful taboos and possibly guilt prevent them from saying so.

It might just be that you end up grieving for the life you haven't lived, or at least are curious about what might have been.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/04/2015 00:34

Having children is horrendous in many ways. They take, you give. You suffer when they suffer. Your concept of catastrophe is suddenly distressingly enlarged. Your ability to ensure the safety of that which you hold most dear is suddenly disastrously diminished.

It's no accident that we are genetically predisposed to have them, only a nutter would otherwise, and then the human race would be in trouble.

Taytocrisps · 03/04/2015 01:01

I'm not the most maternal person in the world. I was never one for oohing and ahhing over babies. I was fond of my nieces and nephews but wasn't madly yearning for a baby of my own. I think I was just curious - curious to know what parenthood was really like. I also wanted my own little person to bring to petting farms and pantos and all those other child-centred activities. It all sounds very selfish now Easter Smile. I never anticipated how amazing it would feel when my beautiful baby daughter arrived or how much I would love her. I'm fortunate because she was a great sleeper and a fairly easy baby and child. Don't tell anyone but I'm still not that crazy about other peoples' babies.

looks around furtively

PatrickStarxx · 03/04/2015 01:02

I got knocked up at 17 Shock best thing that ever happened to me tbh.

olgaga · 03/04/2015 01:02

Because I had a shit childhood I never thought I wanted a child in case they also had a shit childhood.

Then, because I met my DH and I loved him and knew he'd be a better father than my dad was.

Because I didn't want to wake up on my 48th birthday and weep that I wasn't a mum and had missed my chance because I enjoyed my life and my career so much I just couldn't find time.

Pregnancy and childbirth was a swirl of emotion for me which brought back an awful lot of childhood trauma and I had PND.

However my menopause was complete at 43 so I was really lucky to have my DD at almost 41 after a miscarriage at 38.

And she is beautiful inside and out, sensitive, perceptive, thoughtful and a talented pianist. However she was born with a mild heart condition, was only 4lb 6oz and had to have a hernia op when she was 3 months and just 7lbs.

I am so lucky, when I think what I've had to go through, and what my life was like - nothing like hers I'm pleased to say.

I cannot imagine life without her and I'm overjoyed every day that she's here.

Goldenbear · 03/04/2015 01:15

I don't think many people grieve for a life they didn't have as a result of having children as most people have experienced a life without children, prior to having them- especially if you think the average age is 30 (?) to have a child now. Equally, children do not remain 'children' for the rest of your lives together. I had my first at 29 and I am now acutely aware that as my son is nearly 8, I only have the same amount of years to relish him as a child- probably more like 6. My youngest has just turned 4 so I will be about 47 when my life with DH gets to a point where we can go out at night again without someone watching them. So basically life will reflect our life prior to children in many ways, obviously not in all. Equally, within that time neither of us are prohibited in our aspirations because they're perfectly obtainable with children. DH always wanted to be a qualified Architect and is one, his motivation to complete this lengthy qualifying period was definitely the arrival of our DS. I suppose what I'm saying is not having children throughout our 20's and then having them, means that we're in quite a good position to judge which life we are more suited to and therefore no grieving has taken place.

SolasEile · 03/04/2015 01:16

Because I could. Around 30, I looked ahead and weighed up the options:

Being 45 and sad that I could have had children and feeling regret.

Being 45 and happily child-free loving my life

Being 45 and hating my kids and what they had done to my life / body/ finances / marriage

Being 45 with (hopefully) two lovely children who are people I love to spend time with

The last of these 4 outcomes seem like one I wanted to aim for. No. 3 didn't seem very likely. No. 1 did (for me). So we decided to start trying for a family abd we were fortunate enough to have 2 DC (after 1 mc). I don't regret it. That said I am looking forward to the end of the baby / toddler years as it is so relentless and physically tiring.

Gennz · 03/04/2015 01:19

Basically because DH & I had been together for 12 years, married for 6, and were running out of excuses not to. We'd always thought we vaguely would at some point in the future, but were ambivalent about actually cracking on with it. I had been in my job for 4 years and was getting a bit over it, we had renovated the house, we had had three "last fab overseas trip before we have kids" holidays, almost all our friends had had at least one.

I was 32 and thought well if we're going to do it we might as well get on with it, I don't want to end up paying for something we could have done for free.

Also I thought if I didn't have kids I'd be inconsolably devastated when the dog dies. (I still will be, obv, but maybe the kids will help to put it in perspective).

DS is now 4 months and he is great. I wouldn't say every day is magical and I'm bloody knackered but it's fascinating seeing his personality emerge every day. I don't feel any different though - I don't identify as a "mum", just that DS is my son, if that makes sense. I think it's important to remember that he is his own person, my mum wasn't very good at that. Really glad we waited til we had everything else sorted though, the first few months are stressful enough, it must be very, very hard when you have other stresses to deal with as well.

Gennz · 03/04/2015 01:23

Exactly Goldenbear

HellBoundNothingFound · 03/04/2015 01:31

I had DD at 27, a lone parent. Decided I was a plonker to get pregnant, and I'm a stubborn old mule. I had DD (now 6), she's amazing and I made the best decision under duress.

Now married to a lovely man, gonna try and give him a baby when September comes (waiting till after festival season) then I'm done with the whole giving life thing

chrome100 · 03/04/2015 06:09

I am amazed by people giving their reason for having kids as "boredom". How can you be bored as a childless person? You are free to go anywhere you want, see anyone you like, have as many hobbies as you want, work part time, live frugally, travel on a shoestring....