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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

552 replies

ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 20:50

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

OP posts:
Yournotfeckingserious · 01/04/2015 21:55

Most people I know who have kids joke that they go to work to get a break from the dc's... only they look serious when they say it Grin

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 01/04/2015 21:56

Hi everyone,
We have had a few reports in about this thread, but we see that the OP has acknowledged that she might have phrased her first post better, and that she is a bit envious, so we are inclined to leave the subject to be discussed (even if you just want to leave a jammy dodger).

fourteen · 01/04/2015 21:56

I can't be the only one who drops DS at the cm at 7:45am and thinks "thank fuck I work!"?

Some mornings, the idea of dealing with the whinging and whining for 12 solid hours fills me with horror...

treaclesoda · 01/04/2015 21:57

I'm a sahm. I don't moan about it, even though it's not really by choice (the age old problem of childcare and travel costs outstripping my earnings, making work unaffordable). I don't tell wohm's that my life is harder than theirs. It's not. But in return I expect them not to moan to me about how much harder their life is than mine. It's not. They are just different. There are pros and cons to going out to work, and pros and cons to staying at home.

Can we women fight about something else now? I'm bored of everyone fighting about this.

Original poster
ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 21:58

Misty I'm not talking about the odd "OMG! What a day!" posts that we all need to vent from time to time, and I'm not saying being a SAHM is "easy" as it isn't... it's the people who constantly be-moan how awful and difficult their lives are. And yes the phrase "Being a mother is my full time job"... no a full time job is a full time job, being a mother is hard work, but it is not a "job".

OP posts:
Quenelle · 01/04/2015 21:58

I'm assuming all the indignant posters have pre-school age children.

I work within school hours so care for DS for as many hours a day as the SAHP of school age DC. So I suppose technically that means I have a full time job. I still have to do the chores when I get home but at least I get paid for some of my day.

That might be classic fence-sitting right there. Or perhaps I have the best of both worlds. Or the worst. I dunno.

MissDuke · 01/04/2015 21:58

I haven't been a sahm, but did take 13 months maternity leave with the 2nd two (as annual leave tagged on) and I honestly don't get the thing about no loo breaks and cups of tea? However the one thing I did like about returning to work was the peace and quiet, bliss! However I am far more tired after working then I am when off, it is for me much more tiring. I miss the children and have terrible feelings of guilt when they say they missed me. I know I would feel more guilty though putting all the pressure on dh to support the family, so there is no solution to the guilt. Everyone is juggling things. I see lots of people complain whether they work or not, the odd rant is healthy surely? I feel so sorry for SAHMS who genuinely have no help whatsoever, and cannot even get to a dental/smear appt alone, I have saw lots of people on here in that situation and I think those people truly have a right to complain, though as I said, as does everyone really!!!

WoodliceCollection · 01/04/2015 21:59

I am a working-outside-the-home, full-time plus unpaid but expected overtime, single parent. No, I do not do all the things a full time unpaid childcarer single parent would do. For example: I don't cook my children a midday meal and clean up after it- school does that, or care for them during the day, or tidy the house during the week, and my level of housekeeping is far lower than it would (need to) be if I was at home full time with children. I don't provide after school activities. I don't budget to the extent I would need to to be a SAH-single-parent. I don't cook everything from basic ingredients as I often did when I was at home full time. I don't do much by way of crafts or helping with homework, except in so far as I can do after 6:30pm. I don't get why this is not obvious? If you are paying someone else to look after your children while you work, but they are failing to do it to such an extent that you feel you are still parenting whilst at work, you probably need to reconsider your childcare arrangements!

OP, really not sure why you started a thread other than to brag? This has been done, many times. FWIW I have both worked outside the home full time, and for some periods been an SAHP, and during the times when I was working outside the home full time, I did a lot less childcare work. You clearly feel that you didn't, but I would question whether anyone can do many things well at the same time, rather than do them shoddily by trying to do too many things. I am sure you will not consider this possibility in your case, because you clearly need to rationalise your decisions to strangers. I, however, can say very clearly that I 'parent' less, and provide out-of-school education less well, when I am also working full time. This is because I am not superhuman, and there are limited hours in the day. YMMV on either of those, I imagine.

Mrsbird311 · 01/04/2015 22:01

Must say I agree for some being a sahp is easy , I've never found it hard to keep the house and look after my boys, since they've been at school it's been even easier I've got tons of time to do all the things I like, I should imagine that it's bloody hard work to work full time and then do all the children and house stuff when you get home but most of my admiration goes to single parents who have to do it all , work, kids, home and be financially responsible for everything , my mum had four of us , worked as much as she could and managed to give us a lovely life despite being knackered, skint and alone

treaclesoda · 01/04/2015 22:02

I can have a cup of tea whenever I like, which is nice. Although it is often accompanied by my three year old shaking my elbow just as the mug is nearing my mouth, and spilling it round me. When I worked in an office, even my most annoying colleagues didn't do that Wink

TwoOddSocks · 01/04/2015 22:02

I never get the people who go out of their way to point out that being a SAHM is not a job, well obviously it isn't covered under employment law and doesn't involve a contract but it is work which is of economic value to a household so why are you so bothered by someone referring to it as a job?

(NB I never refer to staying at home as a job, I just note that the people who are so keen to point out that it's not are usually also implying that being a working mum is superior).

ssd · 01/04/2015 22:03

I never get the vitriol on these threads

being at home with kids not yet in school is hard going but once they start school and you have 39 weeks a year 9-3 free of course its pretty easy

IME women who dont work and have kids at school and moan about how hard their lives are haven't had a job or a reality check in years

Bunnyjo · 01/04/2015 22:03

OP - I was a SAHM to 2 kids and now I am a full time student at a uni 60 miles away from my home. You know what? Being at uni, travelling, childcare and the associated work that my degree entails is bloody easier than being a full-time SAHM to 2 young children. And, shock horror, I had a DH to help too!

But, before you talk about 'having it easy' my DH has suffered with severe mental health problems for many years now, culminating in periods of time spent in hospital. So, I held the fort of being bright and breezy mummy whilst worrying about my DH in a psychiatric ward and, on top of that, I was either studying full-time, or being a SAHM. Most of my Facebook friends don't know the ins and outs of all this and maybe, just maybe, you don't know the ins and outs of for Facebook friends' lives.

So, if we're trying to play the martyr card, remember that not everything is always as it seems...

ChoochiWhoo · 01/04/2015 22:04

No you're right its not a job , jobs have days off , i dont my work is my home and my home is my work, i have a pre schooler though this will change when he is school age.

TheFairyCaravan · 01/04/2015 22:04

I don't know how people manage to get up, dressed ready for work and have their little one at nursery at 7am with everything they need for the day then go on to work. I'd have been turning up in my pyjamas, little one half asleep with a half empty bag!

Bunnyjo · 01/04/2015 22:05

of your Facebook friends' lives. My phone has a mind of its own!

Original poster
ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 22:06

Why did I start the original post? Erm... because I'm sick and tired of seeing women with the perfect set up act like their lives are one ongoing torture session! I would have KILLED to not have to work, to have a decent shopping budget and a nice house, and a partner to support me. I'm not saying that what they do isn't still bloody hard work, but for people in my situation it feels like a slap in the face. It's like someone who can't afford bus fare listening to someone complain that their Mercedes has been scratched.

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 01/04/2015 22:06

I also don't understand why people find it hard to envisage other people's lives being different and therefore not comparable. Different kids require different amounts of work and different parents have different skill sets.

I found academics very easy, I got a great degree and a PhD without breaking a sweat but I find looking after just one almost three year exhausting. The two days a week I go to work are a break for me. Still you wouldn't find me making a thread about how easy it is to study and how anyone complaining that it's difficult is clearly just a lazy cow.

marfisa · 01/04/2015 22:06

Very wrong of me, I'm sure, but my first reaction to this AIBU is, 'Oh no, not another home-edding parent who can't spell.' Shock

Sidalee7 · 01/04/2015 22:07

I have a friend who is a sahm who puts annoying posts on Facebook about howw it's 24:7/365 days a year ect. She has two kids in ft school and supportive parents, plenty of money. I find her constant FB posts a bit irritating.

I have other friends who are sahm's who are short of money, support ect who never complain, so I think it's just annoying individually, not en masse.

Stay at home parenting is knackering, but so is working and doing the whole breakfast club drop/frantic commute to pick up/ worrying about if they are ill or if a meeting is scheduled for 4.30 and you have to leave at 5, ect ect...we are all working 24/7 that is what parenting is.

Why do we have to be so competitive about which is harder?????

TwoOddSocks · 01/04/2015 22:08

ConfusedintheNorth No one truly appreciates they're situation. There are people with no clean water supply who would kill for your situation yet here you are moaning. There are also women staying at home who would love to be out in the work place surrounded by adults and feeling like they're making even a small bit of difference outside the house.

fourteen · 01/04/2015 22:08

Rationalise, rationalise, rationalise.

We are up, dressed and out of the house in exactly one hour. It's a smoothly functioning well practised routine. It does sometimes involve giving the two year old a fireman's lift to the car whilst he kicks and screams though... Smile

comingintomyown · 01/04/2015 22:08

YANBU they should say they are at home bringing up their child/ren
What's the point of these threads ?

LoxleyBarrett · 01/04/2015 22:09

Does any parent get a day off Choochi? I can't remember the last time I did.

teacupnic · 01/04/2015 22:09

Sorry, I didn't mean to be grouchy, confused. Looks like you've explained your rationale behind your post a few times now.

Personally, I'm finding being a parent the hardest thing I've ever done. Perhaps because I had no emotional ties to my work. So if I was being rubbish at it, it didn't matter. Sometimes being physically, emotionally and psychologically so close with another tiny human is overwhelming. But I do love it.

I think when you're on the other side of perhaps some of the more challenging bits, it's a little easier to see the lighter side.

I'm off to be organised and write lists. Or might search the cupboards for wine Wink