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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

552 replies

ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 20:50

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2015 21:45

A child minder is a job, a parent isn't.

My gardening doesn't do itself, but me doing it doesn't mean it's a job. If you're a gardener it is though.

FindoGask · 02/04/2015 21:54

jesus christ! won't any of you cop on to yourselves? This ridiculous debate does the rounds again and again at least monthly if not more often. It's embarrassing. No-one here is going to change anyone's minds, everyone clearly feels too strongly for that, so why don't you all get on with living your own lives in whichever way you feel is best and let other people get on with living theirs.

Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 22:27

I am a SAHP because it is what I enjoy so in that sense it is for fun, certainly not something I do out of duty or because I have to.

My children would not die if I went back to work.

Arsenic · 02/04/2015 23:14

They would die if you didn't pay someone to provide care in your place Philo.

That's why all the chef and gardener comparisons are so lame.

Arsenic · 02/04/2015 23:17

The work of looking after young DC has to be done by someone. That's the point. It's not optional. It's not 'lifestyle'. It's a necessary 24/7 requirement.

A parent can either do it themselves or outsource the work for part of the day. (Hopefully nobody is opting to leave their under 11s in cupboards.)

CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 02/04/2015 23:24

Olivia, can't you just ban every thread that has SAHM or WOHM in the thead title?

I hid this days ago, and it keeps popping up in Most Active.

It's driving me bonkers.

ssd · 02/04/2015 23:28

I love a good SAHM V WOHM debate!! Don't ever want them banned, one day I might even learn something Grin

CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 02/04/2015 23:44

But what could you possibly learn?

People who are SAHMs feel that it's a tough, unappreciated and often boring job.

People who are WOHMs feel they are hard done by because they have to clean their houses when they get home from work.

A few people suggest that both are quite challenging and we should respect each other.

Everyone else yells at them.

Repeat, ad nauseum [sigh]

JohnCusacksWife · 02/04/2015 23:49

SAHM to pre schoolers = hard work
SAHM to school age children= easy peasy

duplodon · 02/04/2015 23:57

Why does anyone even give a shit? Most people I know have had long mat leaves so been at home, been at work p/t, then f/t or p/t and wahm... I've done all sorts of combinations in five years. I bloody LOVE work and I find the noise and grind of theee under six at home with no car just headwrecking some days and lovely if it's sunny.

No way do ft workers do as much housework though. Unless they're cleaning other people's homes for work. I love ft as a means to avoid this.. Only 1-2 hours of mess to manage instead of relentless Groundhog Day cleaning over and over.

Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 23:57

Well I learn all sorts from MN, it is a a site filled with he women who seem to have cracked this parenting lark much better than an amateur like me.

It was taking part in threads like this when I was working that made me realise that I was getting it wrong and that I wanted to be at home full time.

Kampeki · 03/04/2015 00:11

philoslothy, I have enjoyed reading your posts on this thread. Your honesty is refreshing, and it is clear that you are content with the choices that you have made - good for you!!

MsVestibule · 03/04/2015 07:14

This sort of thread used to upset me when I first joined MN and was a 'reluctant' SAHM to two pre-schoolers. It was really hard work for me, although of course some other mothers find it easy because it suits their nature better or had less demanding children. I hated the 'you're so lucky, stop whinging' attitude when I really, really envied mothers who could go out to work part time.

I genuinely don't get why people are bothered about SAHMs describing it as a job. It was bloody hard work and just because it was unpaid didn't make it any less so. I listen sympathetically to my friends who complain that they can't spend much time with their DCs during the holidays because they work, so yes, I expect them to listen to me if I complain about aspects of choices I've made.

Of course now they're both at school full time, it's brilliant! Again, for me. It would drive some people up the wall.

bonniebear · 03/04/2015 07:43

I work and I see no advantages of staying at home personally. You have to cook, clean, less time to yourself, more stressful. I suppose the only advantage for some would be seeing their children 24/7, but I can't see how that is a positive Grin

Bellwether · 03/04/2015 07:55

You home-schooled at the same time as running a business full-time? What did you do, school them in the dark?

StaceyAndTracey · 03/04/2015 08:05

I run a business and I have six kids. Do I win?

Or do you have to HE too?

The reason I have time to be wonder woman is that I never go on Facebook. I recommend this to you OP . All that time you waste judging other people can be so much more usefully employed.

HTH

Bettercallsaul1 · 03/04/2015 08:20

Close but no cigar, Stacey. I have seventeen children (all HE obviously) and run five businesses.

I cook everything from scratch and find that a good-sized, economy chicken lasts us ten days with a bit of forethought and planning.

2boys2girls · 03/04/2015 08:32

Is it recognition you after ?maybe a medal?
No mines not a full time job I don't get to leave at 5 nor have a lunch break... Nor get paid for that matter.... List is endless

TheWordFactory · 03/04/2015 08:43

I don't have an issue with people saying parenting is a job ( though I don't believe it is at all) bit I do have an issue with people saying it's the hardest job ever or even up there and close.

Gennz · 03/04/2015 08:53

It's not a job (for me) and I am a stay at home parent at the moment. A realtionship to someone isn't a job. DS is my son, he's not my job. The dog would die if we didn't find someone to care for him if we can't - doesn't make him a job - it means we have dependents, be they dogs or children, as all parents do, regardless of their employment status.

Agree WordFactory all this it's the hardest job in the world pearl clutching really annoys me. How the f#ck would you know unless you've done every bloody job in the world. Being a parent to a young child is tiring and relentless but it is definitely not the hardest job in the world. It's not as hard as my paid work being a corporate lawyer, and I don't think that that is the hardest job in the world. My (teacher) mum started lecturing me about why teaching is the most stressful job in the world. Oh really? More stressful than brain surgery or defusing bombs? Give me a break.

AndyWarholsOrange · 03/04/2015 09:03

I think treaclesoda has nailed it. Can MN call some kind of ceasefire on these threads for, say, a month? They are just SO predictable. I went back to work FT when all my DCS were 6-8 months old and I love my job so I'm firmly in the 'selfish bitch farming out my kids for other people to raise why did I bother having them' category.

Bonsoir · 03/04/2015 09:07

The verb parent implies an action (set of actions). The noun parent describes a relationship.

I have very strong opinions about parenting being a job, largely informed by my personal experience of being a stepmother to DCs whose mother (relationship) does not parent (verb). That left (and still leaves) a massive hole to be filled!

StaceyAndTracey · 03/04/2015 11:10

Better call Saul - I forgot to mention that I grow all my own food

And of course I cook everything from scratch - who doesn't ?

Mumbehavingbadly · 03/04/2015 11:12

Being at home with children is hard work whether it's in the morning and evening and all day at weekends - which is the reality for many working parents who go to their job the rest of the time, or every day all day for stay at home parents who stay at home with children and do not have a job.

I've stayed at home briefly and it's not the same or equivalent as any job ( full or part time ) it really isn't. No boss, no workplace politics - no deadlines including working hours - no pay - no travel - no having to get presentable and into work gear - no having to do anything apart from please yourself and make sure dc are clean, safe and fed... (You really cannot count all the chores such as cooking cleaning shopping etc that everyone has to do regardless of whether they have children ). Granted it can be dull and repetitive like some jobs but also because you essentially are at leisure with your children and can make of it what you want, it is most of the time good fun and not a job, career, work, employment or occupation ( outside of the semantic as in that you are occupied with whatever you're doing at the time whether it's feeding a baby or going to the loo).

However the way our society is structured and the things that are valued are skewed away from those perceived as female so
I can understand why in a bid to validate themselves, build status, seek appreciation and assuage what I have heard describe as guilt for 'copping out' (unnecessary guilt but that's what they feel) some stay at home parents try to equate what they do in the home with their children as a full time job.

It's not a job or equal to one but it is a valuable contribution to your family who will appreciate it. Just as the working parents family appreciate the contribution they make.

And I hate these threads too and don't know why I'm contributing. I don't care if people are sahp or wp but I do think we should acknowledge each contribution in a rational way and not pretend that they are equal, the same thing. They're not.

SomewhereIBelong · 03/04/2015 11:25

Depends on the child and the type of job you did/do though.

Staying home with 2 under 2 was fab for me - easy kids, a doddle..

BUT - For 3 years I was used to being on call, worldwide computer support, 24/7 - drop life any time and go fly to a basement (always a basement!) somewhere not nice, fix stuff and come home.

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