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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

552 replies

ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 20:50

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 18:42

I think there is more to being employed than being busy doing something.

Today I have been busy having a massage and a pedicure, busy having lunch, busy readjng my book and posting on here. It would be a stretch to call that employment.

SharonCurley · 02/04/2015 18:43

Agree with your last post coffee except I feel very jealous of Sahms.I have to try and rationalise all the time and tell myself to get grip.I envy those who are in a position to 'choose' not to work.I am exhausted at the end of every week apart from this week as I have time off and I am really enjoying it.household chores are easy to get done when your time is your own.Oh and the poster who said that when her children are in school that time off is her reward...lucky lucky you...many of us will be waiting a long time for our 'reward'.In fact I think I'll be 65 when I enjoy my reward!

princesscupcakemummyb · 02/04/2015 18:47

oh dear op just oh dear Shock

HalestormRock · 02/04/2015 18:49

As several PP have stated - you cannot compare the 'working' day of a SAHM to majority of jobs - the stress, pressure, targets, performance expectations etc are a world apart. Yes it is difficult caring for young children, but come on ! I am fortunate enough to work 3 days per week only.
In no way are my days at home with the children more difficult than my days at work - that is the reality. Add to that that my job is only in administration - not an excessively stressful job compared to doctor, engineer, manager, nurse, etc etc. It is far more difficult being at work. Yet I wouldn't give up working for anything as this is what works for us.

123upthere · 02/04/2015 18:52

Resurrect - yes because if OP has homeschooled her kids as well as everything else, the least she should know is how to spell certain words properly. Then her argument could be more valid.

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 18:54

Calling a SAHM unemployed is a ridiculous way to try and denigrate people who are making an economic contribution to the household. Are retired people also unemployed? Are people who run a business unemployed because they have no contract or employer? I can understand being upset by people putting down you as a working mum but I really can't fathom why people are so upset with SAH parents wanting to take a little pride in what they do too.

If someone calls it a job, you know full well what they mean, they mean they do something that involves work and it makes an economic contribution to the household. Why on earth does this bother anyone unless they desperately want to prove that their choice to work is superior?

HalestormRock · 02/04/2015 18:58

What do other part-timers say ?
Is their day at work easier or harder than a day at home with the children?
I absolutely think work is harder.

MrsKoala · 02/04/2015 18:59

Sorry Phil, I thought we were mainly talking about pre school children. Obviously it is different when they are at school.

purplehandgang · 02/04/2015 18:59

I work very part time but work is easier.

ihategeorgeosborne · 02/04/2015 19:00

When Dh and I applied for our mortgage last year, I was put into the category of 'home maker' on their computer system. The bank didn't suggest that I should say I was unemployed. Amazingly, they had a category for me!

Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 19:02

I find it sad that people have to attach the label "job" to parenting and running a home to give it value.

I think my role is very important, it does not need to be hard or a job to give it status,

ihategeorgeosborne · 02/04/2015 19:07

I agree Phil, but there was a poster further up suggesting that we should just say we're unemployed when people ask. I just mentioned that when applying for mortgages, loans, etc, there are not just two categories of 'employed' / 'unemployed'.

MrsKoala · 02/04/2015 19:12

I don't think i attach the word job to make it valid. i've done some really shit jobs that aren't valid at all. I attach the word job because it's a task i would love to pay someone else to do. My favourite paid job was being a cleaner.

When we applied for our mortgage last year they put me down as unemployed and the bloke kept apologising and tripping over himself to apologise and say how much respect he has for sahms and what a great job we do. He made it such an issue it just became embarrassing. I just kept nodding and smiling thinking 'you are making this terrible for everyone'.

GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2015 19:13

I agree OP I dislike it. It's not a job, having a family isn't a job.

Softcookie · 02/04/2015 19:15

I was a SAHM for a while when my dcs were small, and I longed to work - not because I found life with dcs hard, but because I thought it was lonely, boring and actually much more about housework than childcare. I did spend lots of time on MN, though, and ate lots of biscuits. It was full on, but I definitely had breaks!

Now my kids are at school I work ft and I long to sah, because juggling work and home is bloody hard and I have zero time for myself. I actually have days when I don't have time for a lunch break and forget to go to the loo. I come on MN once a month or so.... Plus - I don't get "days off" as when I'm not working I'm 100% focused on the kids.

It's not work, though, is it? I love being with dcs now, as I did then. The fact that it's hard, tiring, and all consuming... Well it's just life, whatever you do. I tell myself it's not forever.

I have some sympathy with OP because I often feel jealous of all sahms of School age kids. Mostly of the fact they look so well put together, they have time to take care of themselves, to cultivate friendships, to get a dog, etc. And I don't think parenting is a job because that demeans it in my eyes...

However, I think realistically no one has it easy. We make choices, sometimes they're made for us. Jealousy is a nasty feeling and for
All I know sahms orobably think I have an easy, glamorous life, which of course I don't. And which of course they don't.

So to sum it up... Let's count our blessings, of which we all have many, and forgive ourselves and each other our shortcomings, real and imagined.

Peace out Easter Smile

grovel · 02/04/2015 19:21

Softcookie, great post. When I was a SAHM I mostly wanted to be at work. When I was at work I mostly wanted to be a SAHM. Tough. I got on with it because we have to - and my life has been mostly happy.

Skidoodoo · 02/04/2015 19:22

I was going to say that ^^

The OP is a wind up surely?

Skidoodoo · 02/04/2015 19:24

When i say i was going to say that I meant that a fulltime worker is still a full time parent when they get home. Both roles as mothers involve 24 hour care so i don;t get the point of the OP

ThatBloodyWoman · 02/04/2015 19:40

After the day I've had at a job where the boss thinks I'm worth less than the shit he scrapes off his shoe,I really wish I could be at home with people who actually like me.

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 02/04/2015 20:21

AHEM
Hmm
bit of peace and love please.

hennybeans · 02/04/2015 21:22

I don't consider myself 'unemployed'. I haven't worked in nearly 8 years and I am not looking for a job anytime in the near future. I describe myself as a housewife when forms ask for my occupation. I do have a 2 year old at home with me full time so I suppose most would be ok with me describing myself as a sahm.
However, I prefer the term housewife because I don't know at the moment if I will return to work when my DC are at school full time/ no longer children. I like 'housewife' because it feels less contentious as it takes being a mum out of the equation.
'I'm an accountant', 'I'm a teacher', 'I'm a housewife', 'I'm a shop manager'- there is less room to offend and I hope most can accept that housewife is simply a role the works for me and my family, and that it doesn't mean I'm uneducated, lazy, have nothing to say, unambitious- it just what I've chosen to do.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2015 21:26

Parenting in general is a full time job surely.

Definition of job: Something you have to do, you don't do it for fun, it needs to be done.

Definition of full time: 30+ hours.

Yep. Yep.

Even if you work you're still a full time parent AS WELL.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2015 21:28

SAHM just have less variety in activities. Suits some but not others.

GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2015 21:31

We chose to have children though, it's a lifestyle choice as it's pointed out on this forum many times.

Most of us have to work to survive.

It wouldn't describe it as a job, it's a role certainly, job? No. I hate the martyrdom of these posts with 'I'm a nurse, a maid, a nanny, a cook...'

I'm a HCP, I'm also a mum. Raising my children isn't a job.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2015 21:33

It is a job. If you didn't do it somebody else would have to do it, or they would die. So it is a job. A job can be wonderfully enjoyable, positive, fulfilling, a choice, but it's still a job.

I don't feel like a martyr.

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