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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

552 replies

ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 20:50

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 02/04/2015 17:32

Why would anyone be jealous?

Apparently it's the hardest job in the world. Up there with mining blood diamonds and deep sea trawling Grin.

ProbablyJustGas · 02/04/2015 17:33

I forgot to add - now that I am back in full-time work, I get to switch off from being a mom for 7+ hours a day. Paid respite. She's the nursery's problem. ;)

Ratfinkandbobo · 02/04/2015 17:35

good luck in the new job Ressurect!

Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 17:40

When I worked I was deeply jealous of those who could stay at home with their children out of choice. I think that I am incredibly lucky and often have to pinch myself to check that this is my reality.
As a teacher I used to play out my stay at home fantasises during the holidays, I am so lucky that my whole life is now like my old summer holidays.

Twoplus3 · 02/04/2015 17:43

As a mum to three children who's both full time and been a sahm, I can honestly say that being a sahm is more of a challenge than simply working 37 hours a week. I'm not sure it should be referred to a job per se but it can certainly at time be a lot of work, I've said before and I'll say it again, a lot of parents simply have children thinking it will be a doddle, they then realise how much work babies and toddlers are and they run back to work, dumping them in childcare.

Mrsbird311 · 02/04/2015 17:44

Possum its a good idea to resort to being rude when you don't have a coherent argument well done you

Resurrect as I said further back I think it's the single mums who have it the hardest , working or not as the buck stops with you to keep the family running, I certainly don't think you were a benefits scrounged but I really hope you enjoy your new job

Twoplus3 · 02/04/2015 17:45

"She's the nurserys problem" lovely! Exactly this kind of scenario I've just commented on above, children are hard work and some just can't hack it so they allow someone else to spend all day playing and teaching their children, it's so much easier!

ihategeorgeosborne · 02/04/2015 17:47

I disagree with being unemployed as a term to use instead of SAHM. If I was unemployed, I'd be registered as unemployed in government stats. I am not. Also, if you do tell some people that being a SAHM makes your life easier, etc, gives you more time and that you are blessed, as was mentioned up thread, the person on the receiving end would likely think you were a smug, boastful, arrogant fucker. You can't win really.

treaclesoda · 02/04/2015 17:52

I think, from having read this endless debate so many times on mumsnet that the only acceptable state of affairs for a mother is that you have to be miserable.

You're not allowed to work and enjoy it, or someone will accuse you of being selfish and putting your desires before your children. You're not allowed to stay at home and enjoy it, because that makes you a drain on society and a lazy bitch. You're not allowed to work part time and enjoy it, because that involves taking a hit on the career that you have worked so hard for, and the desire to step back and take an easier pace of life makes it harder for women who want to put career first, because everyone assumes they will do the same.

So we all have to make our choices and then make sure to be miserable and feel guilty about them. Hmm

Littlemonstersrule · 02/04/2015 17:53

'You are unemployed whether you are looking or not. You are not employed = unemployed. I am employed. So am I an "away from home mum"

It's all bollocks. You either have a job or you don't. Either are perfectly fine unless you are breeding for benefits. But don't make it out as if your employment has been replaced with children and you need to label it. No. You are just at home with your children. It isn't a job as much as it isn't overtime for me when I come home to my child - It's my life!'

I think that's very true Coffee.

It's not a job in any sense of the word, men don't come home and think they are doing their second job. It's just parenting, something you sign upto when having a child.

Comparing a SAHM to a highly qualified doctor etc is just sheer madness.

Should society value raising children? Well some will go onto be those doctors and done will never work and give to society so I suppose it depends on the outcomes.

PossumEggstract · 02/04/2015 18:00

Well stop trying to be so condescending dear Mrs and l would think you're worth a decent debate.

Fwiw l detest the NHS and the sooner it's sorted the better so l don't really care either way if you're paying in or not.

ihategeorgeosborne · 02/04/2015 18:02

Fwiw l detest the NHS and the sooner it's sorted the better so l don't really care either way if you're paying in or not.

I'm sure you won't have long to wait Possum, anytime after May 7th I reckon.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 02/04/2015 18:09

So looking after children is not a job if mothers stay home and look after their own children, but it becomes a job if mother goes out to a job outside the home and pays a third party to look after her children. How does that work?

123upthere · 02/04/2015 18:16

OP you need to spell 'devise' properly first (it's 'device') Homeschooled you say?

123upthere · 02/04/2015 18:18

It's 'breathe' not 'breath'

ResurrectAndEatShitChoc · 02/04/2015 18:19

123 is that all you have to add? Hmm

ihatelego · 02/04/2015 18:21

I've been a Sahm, worked full time and stayed home in the day and worked evenings.. thought about it and tbh i couldn't tell you which was the hardest i think they each had their own challenges, they were all as hard work really, as if i was working i didn't have as much energy to do activities and go out with DS, where when i've been a SAHM mum i use up my energy doing things with DS so i think it all evens out really, we all have our own challenges whatever parenting choices me make!

Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 18:24

Because you have paid somebody else to do something that you can't do.

Today I cooked my family lunch, that was not a job. Yesterday we went it for lunch and somebody else cooked it as part of their job.

Sometimes I paint my own nails and do my own facials other times somebody else does it as part of their job.

This morning I did a few hours of housework, in the past I have paid somebody else to do it as part of their job.

When in was working I never saw looking after my own children as a job, it was part of my chosen lifestyle.

I am not paid for what I do at home, there was no selection procedure, there are no standards to meet, no set hours of work, no boss, no holidays, no terms of employment, no performance management, no chance of a demotion but no chance of getting sacked either - if it is a job it is a strange one.

That does not reduce the importance of looking after children and running a home, I think it is very important and that is one of the reasons that's I gave up my job to do it.

Do parents who work outside of the home have two jobs?

MrsKoala · 02/04/2015 18:25

Yes, childcare is a paid job for cm's etc. Cleaning is a paid job for some. Cooking (chef) is a paid job. Gardening is. Painting and decorating. There are lots of paid jobs, that people do as a living that you would also do, unpaid, in your own home. It's called life.

Actually i disagree with this. I think anything you could pay someone else to do is a job and if you don't outsource it and do it yourself you are saving your family money and therefore earning your family that money.

Imagine doing all the jobs sahm have to do and add a job on top of that. That's the reality of balancing work and childcare for many. Being a sahm is tough, but having a job and being mum is tougher. Unless of course you can afford an army of helpers.

I don't understand this point of view at all. In fact it's just plain wrong. If someone else looks after your dc while you are at work you do not do ALL the things a sahp does at all. There will be 8 hours or so a day where you do not do any of the things a sahp does. I don't know why wohp say this, maybe they like to feel superior and give themselves mini fist pumps over how amazatronic they are, not sure but it's odd.

As for being a SAHM when the dc are at school. For me that will be my reward. When i get some free time. I think of it as a very long period of condensed hours. DH is away a lot and i have little help, so all the hours/days/weeks dh has to himself will eventually be evened out when the dc go to school and i can then read my first book since having dc, or retrain, or take up a hobby etc. I don't see why i should feel embarrassed by this compared to my friends who work and have a very present DH and have had loads of free time since their dc were born.

And when people ask what i do i am happy to say unemployed, in fact i usually say sponger, as that's what most people seem to think anyway. I worked for 20years before i had dc. i paid a lot of tax. DH pays a lot of tax. A lot more than he would if i worked. I reckon i'm pretty covered.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 02/04/2015 18:29

People pay other people to look after their children work it out
Are students unemployed? No
New mums? No

Littlemonstersrule · 02/04/2015 18:29

MrsKoala, you can pay prostitutes for sex but that doesn't make having sex with your partner a job!

I can pay somebody to cook, clean and iron for me but I don't as its not that hard and just part of being a grown up. There are tasks that need doing. It doesn't make them all jobs to be compared to employment.

MrsKoala · 02/04/2015 18:31

It is the way he does it fred! ARF ARF (i knew that would be brought up)

morethanpotatoprints · 02/04/2015 18:34

employed means busy doing something, of course a sahp is employed.
they have roles and responsibilities the same as anybody else.
They may have deadlines too, although some working parents may find these jobs, roles, responsibilities as boring.

MrsKoala · 02/04/2015 18:37

Oh and i meant to say the poster upthread who brought up the thread about a sahm not doing the ironing and lunches for her DH was being disingenuous. IIRC the OP looked after 2 small dc all day and ran a small business, did every single thing in the house while the DH spent 8 hours playing computer games in the evening and he expected her to make his sandwiches and iron his shirts too. That is not the same thing at all.

Philoslothy · 02/04/2015 18:39

I don't understand this point of view at all. In fact it's just plain wrong. If someone else looks after your dc while you are at work you do not do ALL the things a sahp does at all. There will be 8 hours or so a day where you do not do any of the things a sahp does. I don't know why wohp say this, maybe they like to feel superior and give themselves mini fist pumps over how amazatronic they are, not sure but it's odd.

That might be the case for pre school children but most of my children are at school, in fact a few of them are at the school I used to teach at. They would be at school all day and so was I, we would then come home (sometimes together) and do all the things that I now have the luxury of spreading throughout the day. Before I used to have to ( with my husband) run my house and raise my children and mark books and plan etc between 5am and 7 am and then between 5pm and about midnight. Now I have all day, I no longer live on 5 hours sleep, I no longer have work to do at home and we are all much happier.