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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

552 replies

ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 20:50

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 10:27

Writerwannabe83 I think it usually refers to childcare at school although I'm not sure. Most people I know don't have the option of grandparents providing that kind of care (I know my mum wouldn't be up to it apart from on the odd occasion) and we live abroad anyway. To me it would depend on who was doing it but I'd still usually prefer to be around for my kids myself. In my career Id have to work at least 9am until 6 or 7pm sometimes later. That would mean not seeing my DS at all during the week. I would never choose that unless I absolutely had to. I like to have some quality time every day even if it's just relaxing with a book, or chatting on the bus home from school. It's just a personal preference not a sweeping judgement of other people's situations.

I never get why staying at home or working part time seems to be a choice that needs to be defended so vigorously. I always have people "explaining" to me how it would be possible to work full time if only I did X, Y or Z when I keep explaining that I just don't want to.

Kampeki · 02/04/2015 10:27

Yes, I do work, bilberry. I do accept that the relentlessness of SAH must be difficult, and that's why I acknowledged that not everyone has a choice to WOH. It must be incredibly difficult to be stuck in a role that doesn't suit you.

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 02/04/2015 10:28

If I look after someone else's children, I get paid at least NMW. There are lots of full-time jobs caring for other people's children, they require a considerable amount of training and professionalism.
If I look after my own children, I do it for free and enjoy it. But it is still a full time job, and not one that anybody else (except maybe DH at a push) would do for free.

treaclesoda · 02/04/2015 10:32

wannabewriter I don't understand what you meant by working parents having no one to pick their child up from school? Clearly they do, otherwise the child would still be standing at the school gates at 6pm when they came home from work?

I wasn't implying that I have no one, I actually do have no one to do it. I used to work outside the home, and it was easy to find childcare for a preschooler because they can fit in with the childminders other commitments. But when I investigated childcare in my area just last month, I was unable to find a childminder in my area (rural area, so not much choice anyway) who could collect my child from school because they were either at their maximum number of children for the days I needed, or they were already committed to picking up their own child or another mindee at a different school at the same time.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 10:32

twooddsocks - my job is really bittersweet and for 3 days a week I don't see my DS except for 30 minutes in the morning as he's asleep when I get in. So for 3 days a week I have to go 24 hours without seeing him I always come home and stare at him on the baby monitor and really have to fight the urge to wake him up and cuddle him.

But on the upside it means that for 4 days a week he is with me 100% of the time. Maybe I have the best of both worlds, I don't know.

I'm lucky that I have the most amazing childminder - she's wonderful

treaclesoda · 02/04/2015 10:33

And there is no breakfast or after school club at my child's school, or any of the other schools where I live.

Littleham · 02/04/2015 10:33

Confused

I've done all three - SAHM, worked full time and worked part time. I would happily switch between roles depending on my family circumstances. Each role is challenging in its own way.

The problem with your attitude is that SAHP's are under no illusions about how they are regarded. As a result they stop volunteering & raising money because why should they if people are constantly vile to them? My dc's school association has just collapsed. Net result = everyone is worse off. Think about it.

Kampeki · 02/04/2015 10:34

I don't really understand the posts about sahp being a job because nannies/childminders/nursery workers also do a job.

Surely people feel differently about looking after their own children and looking after other people's kids? Personally, I find other people's children are much harder work than my own!!

Kampeki · 02/04/2015 10:36

Not necessarily, little. Our school's PTA is mostly made up of WOHPs anyway, with only a handful of SAHPs. Why do you think it is only the SAHPs who might do this kind of thing?

KidLorneRoll · 02/04/2015 10:36

Indeed. I don't think of myself as an unpaid taxi driver any time I give someone a lift.

Tizwailor · 02/04/2015 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kampeki · 02/04/2015 10:40

What I do object to is being asked to justify why I am not in paid employment and the sarcastic comments from those who do juggle both.

You should not have to justify anything Tiz. We all choose what works best for our own families.

cococandyfloss · 02/04/2015 10:40

I work part time and I have three children-the days that I am at work all day are 'easier' than the days I am at home. I leave my house clean and tidy and it stays that way until I get in again. I don't spend the day doing washing, cleaning, snacks, lunches , dishes, activities, nursery, school runs and tidying up endless toys and mopping up endless crumbs.
I also get to have a lunch break, warm coffee and chat to other adults without interuptions. I can go to the toilet without someone coming in too.
I enjoy my days home with my children too and part time suits me but I can understand why SAHM describe it as a slog or full time job because it it is a full on day. Plus they don't get to finish at 5pm -It keeps going and going!
Everyone is different and everyone has different forms of support so YABU to get annoyed at people who find it a lot of work.

Littleham · 02/04/2015 10:40

It benefits schools to have as many people helping as possible (whatever their set up).

JemimaPuddlePop · 02/04/2015 10:43

NYE2015 your post is far too simplistic.

Yes, childcare is a paid job for cm's etc. Cleaning is a paid job for some. Cooking (chef) is a paid job. Gardening is. Painting and decorating.

There are lots of paid jobs, that people do as a living that you would also do, unpaid, in your own home. It's called life.

I would rather cook a dinner for me and dh than be a chef and do it for others. I'd rather clean my own loo than someone else's. Rather wipe my own sons snotty nose than other kids noses.

Do I get to class all the other things as the same as work too?

It's NOT the same.

TheWordFactory · 02/04/2015 11:35

If someone likes being a SAHP, if they want to do it, if they think it's best for their family then great. All good.

But why then waste energy making it sound so exhausting?

morethanpotatoprints · 02/04/2015 11:45

TheWord

Because sometimes it is exhausting and sometimes it is a full time job.

OP, for some it is a job, they treat it like a job, for others it isn't.
I don't really see how you could possibly know everybodies set up, what they do with their time, how many dc they have, whether the dc attend school at all, (not all do), any sn, whether they have a partner for support, extended family etc.
You just come across as very bitter, and that is sad.
I feel sorry for you OP, it isn't healthy to be so bothered by how people describe what they do.
Block those friends saying this or come off fb if it bothers you so much.

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 11:59

writer I'd be very torn in that situation on the one hand I'd like to see my son everyday on the other the chance of a career would be great too and if it was only 3 days a week and I had great childcare...... I don't think many people have the perfect situation. In my ideal world I'd have a fulfilling career between the hours of 10-3pm 5 days a week.

TheWordFactory · 02/04/2015 12:01

morethan every role is exhausting sometimes. That's not the same as it being a terribly difficult job.

Last weekend I spent a day with DH. We did a lot of stuff and finally got to bed at 1.30am. We were both knackered.

But no one describes being a wife or husband as a full time job, or terribly hard. And if they did, other folk would say, quite rightly, so change things.

If SAHPs are finding it so grindingly awful that they really believe they ahve the hardest job in the world, then they are absolutely not cut out for it.

Kampeki · 02/04/2015 12:05

If SAHPs are finding it so grindingly awful that they really believe they ahve the hardest job in the world, then they are absolutely not cut out for it.

I agree. I might not be popular for saying it, but at the end of the day, the "job" of a sahp is what the rest of us do on our days off!

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 12:14

Kampeki not really since often on your day off you might have other adults to help. I think most SAHPs of young children find it tiring but not "grindingly awful". For me it's definitely harder work than my actual "job" I do the other two days a week (those two days are definitely my days off) but that doesn't mean it isn't rewarding. The "I have the hardest job in the world" things are probably mainly reactions to the nasty "you have an easy life" comments SAHP's get.

Obviously looking one, two or three average toddlers isn't literally the hardest job in the world but it is a lot more tiring than plenty of full time jobs and it's frustrating when it's implied that you don't have a a lot of effort to put in each day.

ThroughThickandThin · 02/04/2015 12:17

After 15 pages what I have to say has already been said.

But....

I am having the best time of my life now my dc are senior school and I sah.
The close second best time of my life was when I was working full time pre dc. I blardy loved working in an office and did for about 16 years.
By far the very, very hardest time of my life was when the dc were babies and toddlers and I was a SAHM. Not enjoyable for me and exceptioally hard work. Whether I would have called it a ' full time job', I can't remember, I may have done, but if I didn't, it's certainly what it felt like.

I've every sympathy with SAHMs calling it a full time job. It's what it can feel like.

morethanpotatoprints · 02/04/2015 12:19

Kampeki

How do you know you do what a sahp does on your days off.
I'm a sahm and i doubt very much if you could get anywhere near what i do on a daily basis.
A sahp is somebody who doesn't work outside the home and has children, the rest is personal to that family and there are huge variables.

Whatthequack · 02/04/2015 12:19

I currently work at home, I suppose I could be seen as a SAHP during the day, who does freelance work at night. I have two sons aged 7 and 6 months. It was only a year and a half ago that I was in my final year at Uni, also working 3 full days a week in a high demanding job, on top of the household duties and raising a child. I still managed to juggle my days and got a 2.1 in my degree (which was bloody good considering how hectic my life was). However, I am now finding it quite mentally draining being a SAHP to two kids with a 7 year age gap, as their needs are completely different, it is exhausting and repetitive.

MrsBumbercatch · 02/04/2015 12:24

Yes it's exhausting, demoralising and stressful being a SAHP but it is not the same as working because in essence, you can do whatever you like. Apart from getting them to school on time when they're old enough. No boss breathing down your neck, no performance standards, no appraisal, no customers, no deadlines (in general) and no shit hits the fan if you miss deadlines. No clients to sue you when you make a mistake. No IT failures. It's a different type of stress. I have absolutely no axe to grind because I have been a SAHM, worked FT and worked PT.

So overall OP, I will be brave and say YANBU.

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