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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think SAHMs should stop referring to this as "a full time job"?

552 replies

ConfusedintheNorth · 01/04/2015 20:50

Ok I'm probably going to get pulled apart for this, but this really gets under my skin. Every time I go on facebook or twitter there are a barrage of statuses/comments from friends who are SAHM going on about how busy and hectic their lives are and how "being a mother is a full time job", and it's driving me insane! I'm sorry but it's just not, is it? I was a single mother who home schooled, and ran my own business full time, and managed to get through every day without any sort of time travel devise. I am aware everyone does things differently and I'm possibly over reacting, but seriously if you only have a couple of kids, a supportive partner and don't have to work, in the grand scheme of things you have it pretty good and should probably stop endlessly telling the world how hard your life is. (and breath!)

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 09:53

A lot of people don't have family and friends to help with the childcare though do they? I have seen a few posters imply they don't work because they've got nobody to pick their child up from school but I imagine this is the case also for a very high percentage of working parents. Unless lots of workers do have family help which make working possible and I'm just in the minority Grin

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 09:53

I know people who have dc's at school,don't work,and still have 'help' in the house.

That sounds brilliant! Why would you look down on someone for hiring a cleaner if they could afford it (and paid the cleaner a decent salary etc.)? Cleaning is boring, if I could afford it I'd have one come every day. It would give me more time to do something more interesting.

Meechimoo · 02/04/2015 09:56

God no wonder there's bubbling resentment on these threads. How awful to have the kids at school and help at home too so your time belongs to you? That sounds bloody shit. I'd much rather do 10 hour shifts for an annoying boss and then come home at 7 and start cleaning the loo!

Meechimoo · 02/04/2015 09:56
Grin
TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 09:57

Personally I don't want my child to have to go into wrap around care before and after school. I had to when I was young and I hated it (I'm an introvert - I'm sure for other kids it might be fun to be around their friends for longer doing fun stuff). I just wanted to go home and chat to family about my day then read my book in peace and quiet. If I can afford not to work or only work part time then that's what I'll do. I don't see why I should have to justify it to anyone else. If I was super rich I'd also have a cleaner.

Bettercallsaul1 · 02/04/2015 09:57

Surely this thread (and all the others like it) can be summed up by saying: respect each other's choices even though they are different from your own.

Difference does not imply either inferiority or superiority.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 09:59

somewherebelong - I do totally see your point but it reads as though your husband is loving it, he goes out to work, is absolved of lots of parenting duties and absolved from all housework duties because he's got the DW at home doing it all for him. What's not to love about that?!

There's another thread running about a dad being the SAHP parent and the mother having a well paid job so he gets the easy life and the replies seem to be moaning about the SAHP, almost like he's taking advantage and some sarcastic comments about what a 'lucky man he is'.

StopTheFog · 02/04/2015 10:01

SomewhereIBelong I think it's true that a lot of people with very successful, all-absorbing careers, either have a spouse looking after everything or pay people to do it.
If you can afford it and you are all happy, you do as you choose, surely. I wouldn't feel mortified or 'kept'.

PontyGirl · 02/04/2015 10:03

I work part time, I don't really feel like mothers that don't work have it any harder than me, vice versa.

being a mother is a full time situation, whether you work or not.

PontyGirl · 02/04/2015 10:04

basically I agree with bettercallsaul

SomewhereIBelong · 02/04/2015 10:06

Writerwannabe83 StopTheFog - yep that is it exactly - he loves his role, I love mine.

Oh, and we talk about it often so that we know we are still "on the same page".

StopTheFog · 02/04/2015 10:06

TwoOddSocks there are alternatives to 'wrap around childcare', such as carers in the family home. And for those of us without local family support, it's nice for children to have caring relationships with other people. In my case it kind of extends the family.
I was ill lately and DH was away. I asked the babysitter to come around for an hour and help the kids with their homework as I was not able to do it. She refused money and insisted on feeding them as well. She then did their spellings and times table, and their written work. She insisted DC2 worked harder on his homework. He did! And then he got a house point for it and got to read it out in assembly.
I gave her an easter egg as she wouldn't accept money. It's nice, it's a lovely relationship.

Bilberry · 02/04/2015 10:10

When I had preschoolers being a SAHM was very hard; it is relentless and quite lonely. My Dh works long hours and I have no family around so was stuck in the house from 4pm each evening which wrecked any chance of kid-free meetups with friends. Not only do SAHM of preschoolers have to provide all the activities of a nursery, they also end up with a house looking like a nursery at the end of each day which you wouldn't get if you worked with kids in childcare. But really the worst, most draining bit is the way you are cut off from proper adult interaction.

Now my dc are all at school, I would call it a part time job, which is lovely. I finally get to meet friends for lunch without kids in tow or worrying about playgroup pick up. The problem is it is a bit boring so my friends are going back to work. I'd love to go back to work but don't have family to help and don't want my kids to do constant wrap around care and holiday clubs which would eat my wage (My choice). I volunteer instead.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 10:11

somewhereibelong - and that's definitely the key and the most important factor in the SAHM/WOHM discussion argument

I don't think this issue is about jealousy but more about people thinking 'their way' is the right way and finding it difficult to accept that other families work in different ways to their own.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 10:12

What does the term 'wrap around childcare' actually mean?

How is it different to normal childcare?

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 10:14

Writer I assume it means childcare at school that "wraps around" the normal school day i.e. drop them off at 8am pick them up at 6pm.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 10:17

Would that term still apply though if a grandparent had the child before bad after school in order to help out?

I'm just trying to establish whether the parents don't want anyone else looking after the child or whether they just don't a paid person? I.e childminder or pre/post school clubs but a family member is ok?

Writerwannabe83 · 02/04/2015 10:17

That's supposed to say "If a grandparent had them before and after school to help out"

Kampeki · 02/04/2015 10:18

While I would never regard parenting as a "job" for myself, I accept that it does undoubtedly feel like that to some people. I also recognise that not everyone has a choice to WOH, so they may be stuck in a SAHP role that doesn't really suit them.

I just feel really sorry for people who find it such hard work to be with their own children. :(

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 10:21

StopTheFog I don't have anyone that could provide consistent childcare while I did a full time job. I also prefer to do it myself. I can help with homework, chat about their day, talk to their TA/teachers to pick up any problems. My DS seems to have a similar personality to me and when I was young I was fairly shy and sensitive was very aware that (even very nice) babysitters weren't the same as family who were going to always be there and care about me rather than just doing a job.

I absolutely accept that this is personal to my situation and for other parents two full time jobs is absolutely the right decision. I also accept that it's a luxury to be able to afford this and if I wasn't work part time once my DS is in school (which hopefully I will be) I'd have much more free time than most. What I don't understand is why I should have to justify myself. I wouldn't dream of telling a working mum or dad to downsize their house, or buy cheaper clothes/holidays so they don't have to work. So why should I have to justify not working full time?

slithytove · 02/04/2015 10:21

spare that particular sahm already did everything else in the house bar loading the dishwasher, and her DH wanted her to have another chore when he has every evening free.

Give a fair representation at least.

Bilberry · 02/04/2015 10:22

kampeki do you work? If so you are missing on of the difficulties of being a SAHP; the relentlessness of it and the lack of adult interaction.

I notice quite a few SAHM get dogs here even their youngest goes to school but I don't think it is an excuse to stay at home; they get the dogs to give them some company.

slithytove · 02/04/2015 10:23

And although I'm still on mat leave, come the end of that I'll be a sahm till kids are in school as it doesn't make financial sense. And DH and I have decided that my 'job' will be the kids. Taking them places, playing with them, and teaching them things. NOT housework.

That will still be shared as it has always been.

NYE2015 · 02/04/2015 10:24

MN pointed out you said you're a bit envious about SAHM's. You then said "no a full time job is a full time job, being a mother is hard work, but it is not a "job".

My question to you is, for every full time nanny, childminder and nursery worker out there, are you saying they are not doing a job?

If you say yes, then you're seriously deluded. Parents PAY for people to fulfil these roles, and even HMRC recognise it as a job and insist on charging tax on it!

If you say no, then you're just being unreasonable because of your jealousy. Admitting that a nanny and child minder is a recognised full-time job, but then saying that a parent doing THE EXACT SAME work (only difference being no pay for it) isn't work, then you've really exposed yourself here on Mumsnet.

Working outside of the home is hard. Working with children is hard.
BOTH ARE HARD.

For your own sake, try to find a way to deal with your jealousy because it is like a poison that only destroys the container it's held in.

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