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AIBU?

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Original poster

Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

485 replies

LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 20:55

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP posts:
fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:53

What have I missed? Does mrsgrinch know the DIL?

Spill!

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 21:53

I love my parents I consider us a close family. They live about 80 miles away, under normal circumstances we only see each other every 4-6 weeks.

My in-law retired an 8 hour drive away my DH so busy with work and other life events we have only seem them twice in 4 years.
I would be so upset if my mil blamed me for this when its mostly DH work commitments and loathing of driving that stops us visiting.
Because I've never been given the impression she resents my influbce in her ds life (and we met, engaged and married within a year) once our baby is born I will be making the effort to visit once or twice a year on the train.
If her attitude was more like yours I wouldn't and it would be up to DH to maintain contact.

Ratfinkandbobo · 31/03/2015 21:54

From what msgrinch knows it sounds like you need to step back from this. You are in danger of pushing them away.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 21:54

There isn't much more to say. Dil has done all those things as she's in a relationship with ops ds. None is done out of malice, just general life really. She's never been horrible about op either.

Kewcumber · 31/03/2015 21:54

DILs parents moved in Jan to be halfway between her and their DS, but we can't do that as we have all our family here

Yes you can do that you just don't want to - which is fine and your choice but you don't have all your family "here". Your DS and his soon to be wife and step daughter and any future children with be "there".

They wanted to be there for a reason - obviously not because her family is there it seems, it's not like she dragged him kicking and screaming into the heart of her family. They have made a new life together and you are behaving like he is being totally unreasonable in not hanging around near you like the rest of your family has done.

Mrsstarlord · 31/03/2015 21:54

It's ok to feel sad about it, as long as you can recognise that you feel sad because of the situation and don't try to pin it on your future DIL. You could really do with listening to some of the advice on here, having a Wine and blubbing for a while that your baby has grown up. Then let it go and think, how am I going t maintain a relationship with my growing family. Note: not, why aren't they keeping everything to same

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:54

Ohhhhhhh

Fuck!

Donnadoon · 31/03/2015 21:55

9times out of 10 a bloke will choose the woman he sleeps with over his mother OP

pictish · 31/03/2015 21:56

so why do I get relegated to duty visits and calls when DIL approves?

OP your son isn't controlled by his gf. He makes his own choices. He is not under a spell, or being manipulated. He has decided he wants to be with his gf in the place they have moved to.

He could say "that's fine, you stay here and I'll go and visit my parents" and come alone, but he chooses not to. That is his choice. She is not in charge of how often he visits, he is! She's not stopping him from doing anything!

He has flown the nest...and that is all. I know you want to think it's all down to her bewitching him, but the reality of it is, he has decided for himself.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:56

Well said Mrsstarlord

Salmotrutta · 31/03/2015 21:56

OP you do sound "over-invested" in your son's life.

Back off a bit Eh?

Cheby · 31/03/2015 21:56

So your DIL's family see them more because they make the effort? They moved across the country to be nearer. Something you could do but are choosing not to. I'm really not sure what you're complaining about. You seem to be unwilling to make any effort and are expecting to sit back and have your DS do all the running.

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 21:57

Not sure if I should carry on here now, seems unanimous that I'm wrong, I'm finding it impossible to read all posts and reply to even a fraction and now worried if any of this will reach DIL in RL.

OP posts:
fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:57

This is so sad.

You will lose your DS, your DIL and any future grandchildren, and the only person to blame will be you.

You are doing all this to yourself.

Discounted · 31/03/2015 21:57

Ohhhhhhh, what penny fourteen?!

It does feel like there ought to be a penny dropping moment.

YoureAMeanGirl · 31/03/2015 21:58

I must say, I feel for the op. This is exactly how my DM was when I met a boy at UNi and it was clearly serious. She became clingy and then became manipulative to get me to go and see her. This obviously resulted in me spending as little time with her as possible, until she calmed down. Dp still doesn't want to see her. 8 years later.

I know it's hard but treat them both with the respect they are due. DIL will only be the devil if you turn her in to one.

MrsPnut · 31/03/2015 21:58

I'm really close to my parents and only see them about 3 or 4 times a year. DH is close to his mum and again we only see her 3 or 4 times a year. We have busy lives and kids who have weekend activities along with working during the week and having to do the boring stuff, ironing, laundry, shopping and cleaning.

pootlebug · 31/03/2015 21:58

Mrsstarlord has it right. Read this thread again. And again another day. Try and see things from another point of view and work out that if you keep this attitude up you really will end up pushed aside by your son and his family.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:58

I agree Op.

You're not going to get anything out of this thread which hasn't already been said.

Retire and read it when you're feeling stronger, take it on board and for gods sake act on the advice given!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 31/03/2015 21:59

How often do you visit them OP? We see my parents more than DH's as they visit us more often. DH's parents visit maybe twice a year, mine once a month or so. It's easier for them to visit us than vice versa as we have to pack up everything we need for a car sick toddler and a dog in the smallest car around.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 21:59

I'd like to stay out of it but the information is exactly what the person I know fits with and judging by the ops reaction she agrees. It's too much not to be, especially with miles and ages. Dil is a lovely lady who knows her own mind but isn't controlling at all. As I've said I know her through my work , so not a friend really but someone to talk to. before the op says... through my work.

SASASI · 31/03/2015 21:59

YABU

You are also going to get a majority of responses from DIL's as opposed to other MIL which I appreciate makes the thread harsh reading for you.

I would LOVE to have a great relationship with my MIL but unfortunately it seems you both have a lot in common. Ie if DH doesn't ring or visit somehow it's my fault ....

Open your arms wide to her & her daughter whilst also taking a step back.

It will make life a lot easier if you accept & grin even if your heart is breaking from the mother-son dynamic changing.

Good luck OP.

KenAdams · 31/03/2015 22:00

MrsGrinch are you the DIL?

bedraggledmumoftwo · 31/03/2015 22:01

Eigg, I don't think even Hak could find an angle on this one, despite her strict pro-mil stance.

Op, there is no angle, msgrinch has confirmed that you are telling it exactly as it is. The problem is that hundreds of strangers can see that you are being unreasonable and you cant.

I thought you would say early 20s. He is a grown up, he will soon be a husband and father, you need to let him go. If you keep trying to hold onto the apron strings you will alienate him and you will be the one tearing your family apart. Families are not torn apart by the usual process of growing up and flying the nest to start a family of their own, that is life. But if you can't accept this and take a good long hard look at your attitude, then yes your family may well be torn apart by your jealousy of his new family.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 22:01

Oh god no. I'm living the single life to the max right now! Please feel free to check my old thread's Grin

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