Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

msgrinch, you know DIL so have only heard one side I'm guessing but I'm not trying to get in the way, just don't want to be sidelined.

170 miles takes seven hours on a coach?

Life, even if your ds is waiting for your DIL approval before coming, it's still HIS responsibiity. Don't have a go at her, have a word with him instead!

But as others have said, think carefully because you could easily be creating a huge gap in the good relationship you have with your son, just because yoou can't let him grow up.
He doesn't own you to come to see you every christmas, every sunday or whatever.

Mrsstarlord do you remember supersoaker lady?

I'm getting flashbacks...

Also, with regards to Christmas...
My parents are divorced. My brother died when he was 27 so I am now an only child. My dad is on his own, parents both dead, no relationships since splitting with my mother. He still insists it's only fair that we alternate Christmas' with my mum and with DH's parents, as why should they miss out on Christmas with their children/grandchildren? We do always involve him in our plans as he would be completely alone otherwise but he is reasonable and adult enough to realise that other people deserve consideration too.
I gather from your posts that you would rather they spent Christmas separately, her with her parents and your son with you?

FFS, your son is a 29 year old man with his own family. He has grown up and left you, like most normal people do. Why is that so hard to understand, they haven't torn families apart, this is normal behaviour.

You sound like the worst kind of overbearing mother imaginable. And a God awful potential MIL. The vast majority of people have said you are unreasonable: do you acknowledge this? Or are you going to keep up this pretence of the wronged mother?

You are an adult. I think it would be a really good idea if you remembered how you used to like this girl, and make an effort with her. If you get to be friends with her your DS will be pleased and you won't be battling your DIL. Win-win.

I recommend you phone them once a week or so and make an effort to talk to both of them, and their DD, be interested in their lives and listen to them, rather than offering advice, until asked.

My DH loves his parents but can't be bothered to phone them. They probably think he doesn't care, but he does, he's just not good at visiting or phoning. So in case your DS is the same, you make the effort and then you won't find there's a gulf between this little family and you.

As for Christmas, sorry but YABU. Stay in a hotel nearby for a few days before or after Christmas?

I feel your pain OP but you are being too controlling.
Enjoy the freedom you now have to do things you want.
Such as do your own thing at Xmas and don't appear too needy. If you have other things in your life, you won't be as dependent on your Ds as you seem to be now.
He is now an adult and as such needs to make his own mistakes.

I can imagine it is hard for you to feel like he is finally spreading his wings, but he is, and that's all he is doing. I will miss my son if he moves away, but I want him to go wherever he wants to go, and with whomever. Even abroad: adventure awaits! My job is to get him there - independent, free, adventurous. Good for him. Your son is an adult now, yo can't expect to be anywhere near as important in his life as you were from birth to teen. He is grown, and leading his own life.

I do think you sound overbearing, and need to chill a bit.

Life if you calm the fuck down a bit there's no reason why you'll be sidelined.

If you carry on, you won't just be sidelined, you'll be in the Arctic...

I don't control DS and don't want to, but I raised him, got him through some terrible times, of course I want to still be an integral part of his life,

This is so wrong I don't know where to start.

29

I thought you were going to say 22!

at 29 I was a Finance Director of a large multinational company - I was very close to my mum and I wouldn't at that point have expected her to have much input into my decisions.

And tbh it drives me nts when parents "josh" about things you did as a teenager - you can be teasing people forever about the half arsed things they do then. He's probably told her that it annoys him and she ahs decided (possibly unwisely given your attitude) to try to stop you.

I think its nice that he has a partner who has his back - you should want him to have someone who defends him - even if you don;t think she did it the right way.

Thought this was going to be my soon-to-be MIL.

Not only do I intend to marry her DS...

... I dragged him away to university and two hours away from their house, and the job he'd worked in for ten years

Not only that, but I got myself pregnant with his baby so now he never visits!

We spent Christmas as 'our family'. That is me, him and DD. His family is MIL, FIL, etc and my family is DM, DF, DB and DSis.

And yes, I frequently veto terrible parenting advice as OH sometimes feels too nervous to say 'no' to them.

What a vile, vile future DIL I am.

Sorry if it seems like I'm ignoring posts but it's going incredibly fast for me. I'm not a troll or reverse but if everyone says I'm unreasonable I'll have to take that. Just wish I didn't feel so sad about it all.

I really wasn't expecting this to be a unanimous AIBU!

OP, I hope that instead of bemoaning the 'problems' you see in your relationship with your son and his family, you can be gracious enough to concede that although things are different from how you might like, that doesn't mean they are worse.

In the kindest way, you've got to stiff-upper-lip this one out. If you are disapproving and sniffy - even if you think you are hiding it well in front of DIL - you'll find that your son might be even less likely to include you when he can.

Be happy for him, and his little family. That way you'll still get to be an important part of it.

YABU.
And if your DS is, as you say, an 'anything for an easy life' laid back sort, then perhaps it's perfect for him to have a strong willed woman who 'gets things done'. Perhaps he's used to it from his mother?!
YABVVVU about Christmas.
He's marrying her. The more of a stink you kick up abut their relationship, the more you'll drive them, and any future potential grandchildren, away. Back off and out on your happy face.

I don't really think there's many sides to this story. What you've said is exactly her account. If you can't see how over bearing you're being then that's not her issue.

YABU, you sound bit too invested in your DHs life, you need to let him be independent and -if this is one- make his own mistakes.

Perhaps he wanted to move to be with her, perhaps he wanted that independence himself? Have you asked him?

I wasn't keen on marriage or moving in after my ex cheated on me. Funny how finding the right person can change you on that....

Christmas alternating- sensible, don't most people do that? We do. And yes, they'll have some just their family, you can't expect things to remain the same way forever once he gets his own little family he'll want time with just them too.

Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

YABU, it's likely he's a bit smothered (shown by the moving away) and finds it hard to be honest with you. She could well be controlling or she could be his 'push'. DSIL always needed that from Dbro because, lovely as her family were, it was always about them: always about the whole big family with the parents at the centre. This was so smothering for SIL and going to uni started her breaking from them (predictably they blamed uni) and meeting Dbro (predictably then him to blame) who helps her do the assertive thing- hang up, talk about it, decide and then call back.

As for the thing with DS, what was it? Your harmless ribbing, as shown by many mumsnet posts can actually be seen as something more hurtful, someone recently said about her shy DD being rode roughshod by her mum who thought she was just 'ribbing'.

Nothing you've said raises flags for me, the opposite in fact, I think you've smothered your DS a bit (with love and probably material things too obviously) and he''s getting his independence and setting boundaries.

OP what did you do when you were first married?

Did you see your husband's family, as in go and stay with them every Christmas?

Did you expect your husband to check the dates were ok with you when he arranged to go and visit his parents?

Did you expect your husband to put you and your child ahead of his parents when considering what was best for him and his family?

If so, why is it so wrong when your son does this for his family's?

family

Your son is 29! A adult who has made a decision to move away. 2 visits since October is good. Your sound way too overbearing and controlling. Stop or you will lose your son any any future grandchildren.

Sorry to say to everyone this isn't a troll. All the information given fits exactly with a person I know (in a professional capacity).

Is it really, really, wrong that I'm wishing mrsgrinch would give the DILs side now...

I know, I know, I'm a terrible person...

Oops, X-post

I think you just need to adapt your relationship and accept that if you cause a fuss you may lose him entirely in the long run.