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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

485 replies

LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 20:55

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP posts:
Bunnyjo · 31/03/2015 21:40

How can I put this nicely? YABVVVVU - you sound incredibly controlling.

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

And?

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

Again, and? You should be happy he has found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

YOU are being unreasonable - very unreasonable. Offering to alternate Christmases and wanting to spend some alone as a family of 3 is completely reasonable.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him.

So, they make decisions together, like normal couples do? Sounds perfectly normal to me!

She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

So, she stuck up for her DP. Good on her! You call it harmless ribbing, but maybe your precious son feels differently about it though I am sure you will tell us he doesn't, as you know everything about him

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

They ARE a family, what is wrong with referring to themselves as one?

Honestly , OP, I am astounded you cannot see how unreasonable you are being. You need to wake up and smell the coffee before YOUR actions push your DS away!

TheSingingMonkey · 31/03/2015 21:40

Do you really think they should spend every Christmas with you and what, not see her family? Relegate hers to the evening? You are no more important.

You say everything needs to be approved by her now, as opposed to what, you? They've made their own family now. What did you think would happen? They will do things their way.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 31/03/2015 21:40

Gosh. I don't even know what to say. DH and I live 100's of miles from both sets of family (by choice), does that mean we're tearing 2 families apart?!
I know I'm repeating what everyone else has said but...

  1. it's fairly normal nowadays to not live in the same town as your parents.
  2. why should your family Christmas take priority over hers? The majority of adult couples either alternate or have Christmas together as a family
  3. 170 miles is quite a long way for a visit. How often to you visit them? Why do you feel that when they come to you it's just a 'duty visit'? Like most people I imagine they have busy lives.

It sounds like maybe your DS's previous health issues mean that you are possessive/over protective of him. We raise our children to fly the nest, form relationships and eventually hopefully a family of their own (whatever form that takes). Not to keep them attached to our apron strings.

Cheby · 31/03/2015 21:41

YADBU. I'm sorry, but you sound like a very overbearing and suffocating MIL.

Your DS has a partner and child; they are his primary family now. It's normal for them to be his first priority. It's very, very normal for them to alternate Christmases and to spend them on their own (my DD is 2 and we are now spending our Christmases at home, other family are welcome to visit but we are grown ups and its our turn to host now!).

I suspect your concerns are apparent to you DS and DIL, especially given that you don't seem to understand why what you're expecting isn't normal. This will only push them further.

In the nicest possible way, back off a bit. Have a few quality visits a year, stay in touch by phone, don't try to monopolise your DS and be respectful of your DIL's place in his life. That way you'll have a long and happy relationship with your DS's family.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 21:41

Yep it's definitely your dil I know. Blush Awkward. You seriously need to realise your son is a grown up.

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 21:41

I don't control DS and don't want to, but I raised him, got him through some terrible times, of course I want to still be an integral part of his life, not someone you get round to when your DW approves.

OP posts:
fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:41

Three times in five months? So every 5 weeks ish? Plus they may well have seen her parents too in that time?

If they have seen both sets of parents equally then they have either travelled 170 miles or had weekend visitors every 2 or three weeks.

That seems reasonable to me.

Ratfinkandbobo · 31/03/2015 21:41

He is an adult, this is what they do!

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 21:42

LittleBairn, DS is 29.

OP posts:
Lucyccfc · 31/03/2015 21:42

Give it another few months and your DIL will be posting on here about her over-bearing, controlling MIL. She will want her DH (your son) to sort out his Mother, who insists on giving him unsolicited advice, insists on every Christmas for a visit and is generally over-protective. She has given up on bothering to visit, as the MIL never puts effort in to visit them and when she does she takes over, makes DIL feel inadequate and is generally demanding and unpleasant.

If you continue down this path - this will be your future.

AGirlCalledBoB · 31/03/2015 21:42

2 visits since October sounds fine if they are not far away and your dil has a child. They can't come much surely because of work/school

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:42

Life seriously, seriously, you need to step back or you're going to do untold damage.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 21:44

I've never cringed so much in my life. Blush

Kewcumber · 31/03/2015 21:44

They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

You don't count "a years or so" as a long engagement?! Shock

Jesus how long would you consider "long"? 5 years? 10?

I suppose I'm old so I count a short engagement at up to 3/6 months!

But yes you are being unreasonable on just about everything.

Have you considered taking up a hobby to distract yourself from your adult DS's life?

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 21:44

Fourteen - DILs parents live nearer so they see them many weekends which makes it worse. DILs parents moved in Jan to be halfway between her and their DS, but we can't do that as we have all our family here.

OP posts:
fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:44

What does your husband think?

UptheChimney · 31/03/2015 21:45

Reverse, reverse, reverse?

MarwoodsMate · 31/03/2015 21:45

Oh OP. Agree with pp who said this isn't going to end well for you I'm afraid... If you can't readjust you will be the only one missing out. DIL might not shed any tears if you continue to blame her for... Sorry can't even finish that sentence as it doesn't sound like anything bad has actually happened. You might end up bitching yourself out of a relationship with her or your DS. Sorry if that sounds harsh!

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 21:45

If he wanted to see you more then he would make it happen. As it is, every 5 weeks when he lives 170 miles away is good, especially as you have only made the effort to go and see him once.

If you continue with this attitude he may not want to see that often.

Donnadoon · 31/03/2015 21:45

29 !!!
I thought you were going to say a teenager or very early twenties

LittleBairn · 31/03/2015 21:45

What evidence do you have he only contacts you when his DP gives the nod?

HermioneWeasley · 31/03/2015 21:45

It's not healthy to want to be an integral part of your adult son's life. Important yes, but integral, no. As others have said, I suspect your DIL finds you smothering and over bearing

fourteen · 31/03/2015 21:45

So her parents moved to see them more often.

You won't/can't move so don't see them as often.

And this is their problem why?

Ratfinkandbobo · 31/03/2015 21:45

We don't own our kids, we just borrow them!

Mrsstarlord · 31/03/2015 21:46

Well that's me totally wrong then, just reported OP as a troll as I thought no one could actually be this wrong on so many levels and still able to charge on through ignoring everyone who disagrees well, ignoring everyone

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