Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

I thought this was a reverse or joke thread.

Fascinating thread.

I agreed with everyone else op, you do need to let go.

I live 120 miles from my family through choice and tbh we only get together once a year. My mum has the boys regularly in the holidays but with work and life visiting as well as dispatching and collecting children is too much.

As for my in laws, they are both dead now but we saw them more often but not all the time. They had to get used to sharing us at Christmas which my mil didn't like really but she accepted it with very good grace.

These days we don't see any family at Christmas and its lovely. I work over the holidays so we meet up before Christmas.

Anyway, let go. He's an adult who needs to make his own choices and mistakes. Best choice I every made, moving away from my family so I fully expect my children might choose the same.

Re 'go to gransnet OP where you will get more support and advice': not the greatest idea to suggest OP goes somewhere to try and root out validation for her skewed attitude.

I feel the same when an unreasonable/selfish step mum is advised to go to Stepparenting 'as they will understand the challenges you are facing'...

Far better some people hear and face the stark truth, not go somewhere to find people who will enable their selfishness.

Disclaimer: I am not demonising MILs or stepmothers. I have one of each and one of them is absolutely wonderful!

I think YABU and if you continue to go on the way you are you'll end up alienating your DS. He's a grown man, not a little boy and is capable of making his own choices and a decisions no matter how much you don't like them or want to accept that. I don't see anything wrong in what your DIL is doing. I think she's being pretty fair actually alternating Christmas. I have grown up DS's and you have to let them live their own lives. I quite enjoy the freedom of them not demanding every second of my attention. I agree with others you sound like hard work, need to take a step back and cut those apron strings.

Every single thing you've said is about what you want. Not what's best for your son and his family, but how his life choices affect you. You are not the centre of the universe - you are not even the centre of your son's universe. He is an adult. You risk pushing him further away with your smothering, and persistent whining that it's not fair like some petulant toddler.

I also think its a reverse and we will as usual never hear the MILs actual version of events.

YABU and, quite frankly, coming across as an over controlling MIL who is determined to dislike any DIL.

Everyone on here has advised you that you are being unreasonable and yet you're still trying to justify why you think your future DIL should put aside her parents in favour of you.

I suggest you look back over all these posts and ask yourself why no one agrees with you.

Then take a deep breath and think about how you can improve your relationship with your DIL.

It's not a reverse

Why does your life have to involve your grown up DC so heavily.? You sound rather over involved in his life choices. Do you work, have any hobbies of your own?

Just because her family 'don't mind' spending Christmas on another day, it doesn't mean they should spend every Christmas day with you. I'm afraid that your family are no more important than hers. Things move on and change as your DC grow up and meet partners. And you'll also find that they'll make their own traditions as a small family unit that you won't be involved in but are equally important to them.

I know you say your DS and DD agree with everything you say. Either they're doing it as it's easier (yes they may well do), but it's quite normal to then discuss things with a partner and change your thinking. It doesn't mean your DIL is forcing her point. My DH may talk about something with his DM but then when I talk to him about something that effects us his view may change as I may think of things that haven't been considered. I'm not forcing my way either. We work out what's right for our family, and by that I mean me, DH and our DC.

U3a useful for hobbies and other interests for retired people.

About Christmas again, DILs parents never mind shifting the day and the 3 of them have never had Christmas alone so having it with us wouldn't disrupt anyone but if they're not with us it'll spoil our Christmas, DD has agreed she feels the same.

Ah, the old emotional blackmail trick "if you don't come you'll spoil Christmas". FFS, give them a break and let them enjoy Christmas the way THEY choose wherever they choose. We have an open door for Christmas, if they want to come they're welcome of not no offence taken and we all catch up at some point. You actually sound incredibly selfish. I feel sorry for your DIL, poor girl has been accused basically of stealing your son, forcing him into marriage and caring to want a life with him. Keep going the way you are and it wouldn't surprise me if neither wants to be in your life much. I know I wouldn't if my MIL had been demanding like you are.

I agree, them having alternate Christmases with her parents or the odd year on their own will not 'spoil Christmas' - you're a grown up fgs.
But spending every Christmas somewhere you feel emotionally pressured into being, will.

Are you my MIL? All sounds too familiar...

our mil/FIL struggling relationship comes down to a lot of her inability to let her son "go". At 43, and after 10 years of marriage, she will still come and stay and bring him underwear or bloody vitamins because he looks a bit under the weather...! Doesn't matter how many times DH says, no thanks, she still thinks that he wants the stuff but that I am controlling him.

You will only see them less, because they will exclude you from the happy life they are creating together because you will be seen to be creating problems and issues that don't exist!

woollytights Look for msgrinch's posts. This is most definitely not a reverse!

Op one last post from me because as a mil and with grown up sons and teen dds I understand that you worry about your children as adults just as much as when they are little.

me and dh were chatting last night
in the pub about this very thing.

Our oldest is living with a lovely girl locally. They spent Christmas with her parents. That was fine.

Our younger lad is saving to go to Australia and wouldn't surprise me if he settled out there.

We were chatting about how we would feel if he did and both decided that honestly we would rather our kids were happy/settled and safe anywhere in the world rather than miserable next door.

Surely your children's happiness is paramount and far more important than who goes where for dinner on one day in the year?

I haven't read the entire thread, but just from your OP you are BVU.

Moving away is normal.
Getting engaged and getting married is normal.
Alternate Christmases when you have two sets of ILs is normal.
Taking your wife's side over your mother's is not only normal but a sign that your son is a good'un, and to be encouraged.

Take care that you don't wreck your relationship with your son altogether by your totally unreasonable reaction to what sounds like a perfectly normal nice woman in your DIL.

What it comes down to, Op is that you are being selfish. Her parents probably do say they don't mind not having Christmas, because that is the adult, responsible, caring thing to say when you know you need to share. But they probably are sad when they came to you instead, especially because of the child, who is the only one who should be pandered to at Xmas imho. But they are being mature and sensitive and saying they don't mind, because that is what all selfless loving parents do you might like to try I (without making a big martyr act out of it of course) as you may find you get more out of your relationship if you let go, step by, and let them come to you.

I agree with everyone else on here. Your ds has to fly the nest, he's a big boy now. I understand it is hard to let go, but he has to make his own life. I cannot see what dil is doing wrong, you say she is controlling him, Mabey it's what he wants. Even if she is, you have to leave to make his own mistakes and let it known to him, you are always there for him. Try and be supportive and diplomatic.

TBH it sounds like normal behaviour to me, what they are doing, and he is probably a bit afraid of your reaction half the time, and having to gird his loins to stand up to you. I think you need to back off and simply make your home as inviting as possible on the occasions when they do come over.

Bedraggled, you took the words right out of my mouth and rearranged them to make them much more eloquent. OP, it sounds to me like you have a lovely, mature DS, a lovely, mature, future DIL and your DS has lovely, mature, future in-laws. You, on the other hand, are coming across as childish, selfish and snarky tbh... I'm sure you don't mean to be and it is only because you love your DS. But that isn't much good if you can't put your own need to be "integral" to his life to one side and let him do what is best for him, not you.

I've never been to Gransnet, not being a Gran, but I would be wary, OP if it's the sort of place that will tell you that you are right and being reasonable here! Of course your son has to look to his new family now, and you have to step back. It's incredibly hard, I imagine, and I suspect many of the people who suggest it's easy only have young children, and haven't yet experienced too many "slipping through my fingers" moments yet! It's the same feeling as them going off on their first school trip writ large. And the only way to deal with it is to pin the smile on your face, and be proud you've you've brought up a good man who loves his partner and is embracing being a step father. They are few and far between. Keep in touch, but in a light, non needy way. Remember your dil's child's birthday. Remember your dil's birthday. Occasionally do something nice, like some flowers or something in the post. Treat them like any other friend you don't see very often.

Oh, and the Christmas thing? Really, truly get over that one! Go out for lunch or something. It is massively unreasonable to expect anyone to do what you want every single christmas.

Gransnet? Grans are mums first no? I know there are a lot of normal Grans on here who will probably say YABU too.

My MIL probably thinks the same as you. My dh is one of four and we live further away from his mum than his surviving siblings (his eldest brother died of cancer some years ago). I can understand that you feel pushed out if your son has moved away.

But actually we live further away from my mother and about the same distance away from my father. But we see a lot more of my mum because she will come to us (MIL doesn't drive and neither does SIL due to sight problems) and when she comes she helps, and is one of the family (can also be interfering!). MIL comes all dressed up and expects the best china and is very much a guest, not particularly comfortable for us or her!

You will have to get over the Christmas thing. In most families you alternate between ILs and own family. If they see the in-laws for Xmas, can they see you for Easter, and vice versa? I tend to see my my mum every Christmas but she is on her own and I am her only daughter and my son is her only grandchild although I dare say she'd get invited by friends if we weren't around. And because my parents are no longer together, in theory my father should also get a turn, but he tends to celebrate with my aunt.

We moved abroad to get away from the ILs.

(Husbands idea)