Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

Statutory. Though sculpture is nice too.

I have a DS of 22. I really don't give a feck where he and his GF spend Christmas, they both know they can come if they like. They have their own home, own friends and own lives. As long as DS is happy then I'm happy.

Let go, step back and let them live their lives.

OP sadly you sound needy and dependant upon your DC.

I think saying that Christmas would be ruined without your DS there is selfish .

Right from day 1 we are always preparing our DC for leaving the nest.

Perhaps think about what parts of "you" you can reclaim now that your DC are busy with responsibilities to their family.

The ONLY thing you can do is to be kind to this girl... You WONT inherit a daughter .... It just doesn't work like that. And yes in many ways you are sadly losing your son because YOU have nurtured him to be able to have successful intimate relationships - that is no mean feat I can tell you - so you have done a marvellous job and you can be proud of your wonderfully created son ... And proud that you have given him the skills to be able to be happy. Please find some happiness in that OP x

OP, I've only read your posts and glanced at some others so apologies if this is repetition.

I think it may help you to consider what your life was like when you were first married. Did you both have parents you were close to? I suspect that either one set of parents was deceased or one set not close and so you've never really had to deal with an in law situation.

Think back to when you were first married and closer to your parents. If you weren't close or your parents had passed away, imagine you had a close relationship with them. You would have wanted to continue to spend Christmas with them, and introduce your new husband to your family's traditions. Spending Christmas with his family probably wouldn't have felt quite like Christmas for a while.

Now remember when or imagine that your DH also had a close relationship with his parents, wanted you at his Christmas and didn't want to miss his family's little traditions.

You would have had a problem, but because you loved each other and had a strong relationship, you would have compromised. Either of you demanding the other never spend a Christmas with their family again would be very unreasonable.The easiest compromise is to alternate. That way you each get your own, proper, traditional Christmas every second year, and a taste of your spouse's traditions as well. After all, Christmas comes around pretty quickly when you're an adult!

Your dil just wants to see her family on Christmas day every other year. It's not unreasonable. She's seemingly willing to take her daughter to her step grandparents that she doesn't know that well every other year - that's actually pretty generous of her given the focus on children at Christmas.

We live about 200 miles from my family and 100 miles from my (fabulous) in laws. We try to see both sets as often as we can but, but it does get tiring. Between visiting family, my exams and various other commitments, a weekend off at home happens a few times a year at most. It's stressful.

Your son is quite probably just agreeing with you for an easy life, just because he doesn't take your advice doesn't mean he's acting on instruction from his partner!

How do you treat the DIl's daughter? How will you treat any future grandchildren from this relationship?

Not like my own MIL, I hope, with my DD from a previous relationship... "It's so nice to have all my family together. Oh, and you." looks at DD

I'm so glad the person who knows your dil said she wouldn't tell her, that would be awful because you CAN turn this around. Be there for your son and dil but don't expect/demand visits. Be fun granny, send cards, set challenges with an sae, relax, don't make it hard for your dil to like you. Force yourself to change your attitude about Christmas before they pick up on it and the damage is done. Contact MNHQ and get this deleted on privacy grounds.

My mouth is zipped I hope the op takes on board the advice given and they can all be happy. It's not my place to gossip just wanted to say dils side, which actually completely agrees with the facts in ops opening post.

If the little girl has contact with her dad - that's a whole other family to try and please too.

set challenges with an sae

Like a gameshow?

Oh OP, you are experiencing empty nest syndrome and it is very hard, but it is not the fault of anyone, just the nature of life.

Genuinely curious about the 'challenges with Sae'.

Making it clear you view DIL-to-be's DD as a DGC would be such a good idea, certainly.

I don't get the impression OP is doing that.

I totally get where you are coming from, but different perspective. I am the big sis and have a little bro. Our parents live on other side of the world and don't see them very often. I am the sensible one, he's the clever one. I am so used to being the one he comes to for advice, sorting out the crap for him. He came and lived with me and DH when he was redundant...for months. He eventually met someone who personality wise really suited him, but is the kind of person I would never have had as a friend in a million years. It took me a while, with bust ups along the way to realise that he wouldn't be coming to me anymore and my role in his life as anything other than dsis was redundant, but I love him and want him in my life. (Lots more detail and issues/events than I am willing to post) I bite my tongue, I hurt, but he's in my life and so is his DC. Those are the important things. We also do alternate Christmases. We have to respect the choices of the ones we love, just as we would want them to respect ours.

OP, I think it would be helpful for you to try and look at what you yourself have written from a different perspective.

On your son:

"DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control."

"I want DS to have his own family but he's not always been strong, he had health issues for years so I'm worried he's easy to influence, not weak willed but rather preferring an easy life."

Have you considered that rather than deferring to his DP for 'an easy life', that might have been what he was doing with you all these years before? And that rather than being dominated by her, he may simply be becoming his own man? He is 29, it is due. I wonder if perhaps his earlier health issues have led to you infantilising him in your mind, because the 'taking care of him' extended into the years that he would have been establishing his independence.

On your expectations:

"I don't control DS and don't want to, but I raised him, got him through some terrible times, of course I want to still be an integral part of his life, not someone you get round to when your DW approves."

That does sound a little as if your care in earlier years is something you expect to be 'paid back'. That's a little off-putting.

On 'family':

"It's less the Christmas issue, although that's hard to adjust to, but more feeling like them being a family means we can't be part of their family any more."

Of course you can be part of their family! Just not the centre of it! They are the new nuclear family, you are now their extended family.

I'm not asking you to post an answer to these, but please think about these questions. What did you do when you married your husband? Did you prioritise his parents over yours? Did you run your household according to his mother's preferences? Did you travel to them all the time, because they weren't willing to travel to you? What was your relationship like with your MIL? Did she play the grand family matriarch? Did your husband's relationship with her sideline his relationship with you?

A few people have already raised whether you struggle to deal with change, and I must say that I think this might be the case. "DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away." That's quite telling, to me. Because all the family is in the one town, you find someone moving away disquieting - because it feels like a big change. You struggle to view your son as an adult - because it's change. You still measure this relationship by his last - because he didn't want to marry before, you don't seem to be able to accept that he does want to marry now - because it's change. But there truly is nothing more constant than change. I feel for you, but I think you have to accept that change, embrace it even. Scary I know, but necessary.

sound smy DPs parents. They didnt like that I had my own opinions and his previous partner pretty much just let them walk over her. although she was oblivious to it and thought everything was fine. They kept repeating no we are your family whenever we said our family. we have a DD together. They helped him find a house 2 minutes away but he ended up staying with me when we got together. Apparantly that wasnt good enough even though in the same town. His mother used to visit and question why he hadnt had his tea and ignore me talking only to him. we have a late dinner. not good enough.

OP when your child becomes an adult they need to have their own life. go on the way you are they will resent you. my DP no longer visits his parents at all because of the behaviour they had and it very nearly split us on several occaisions. Has you DS ever stood up and told you no to anything? Maybe he needed to move to regain his indepence in life. Ive seen first hand how men can become smothered by their parents. My DP's mother could have written the opening post. You are in serious danger of losing all contact if you go on with the selfishness.

I'm impressed that you have shared your AIBU ; However you need some counselling . Seriously this is not normal. How much more bonkers will you be when they have children? Please get help.

I do feel for you, OP, I really do - it sounds like you're finding it really hard to come to terms with your son growing up and not needing you like he used to. But please listen to previous posters when they say that you run a REAL risk of pushing him away and losing him if you do not get a grip. You sound like a nightmare.

You keep repeating that it's not abut christmas really, that that was just an example. But then you've repeatedly said that your DiLs parents wouldn't mind having xmas on another day whereas it would RUIN EVERYTHING for you. This is insane. You need to get it into your head that not everything is about you. Heck, it's not even about them (DiLs parents) - it's about you ADULT 29 year old son and his family, his partner and his stepdaughter-to-be. If they want to alternate, you must respect that. If they want xmas on their own as a family, you must respect that. And before you think that I just don't understand because xmas must not be that important to me and mine - xmas has always been so important in my family. DH and I saw my family, his mother and his father (divorced) all on xmas day on our first xmas together. I've never been more exhausted, and it barely felt like christmas with all the rushing. And I barely got 5mins alone with the man I love! I bloody dote on my father, and I know that he'd be crushed not to see me on xmas day. But he recognises that I'm a grown up, with my own family priorities now - bear in mind I'm a year younger than your son, yeah? - and he told me that I should never feel obliged to be there and what matters is that I'm happy. So we alternate now. And strangely enough, the world kept turning. But it was hard enough for me to feel like I was hurting my dad by not being there, even with him being so understanding. You absolutely cannot be so selfish as to make your son feel bad about this. And blaming the DiL is just... wow.

I have a wonderful relationship with MiL, in fact she and DH are much closer now I'm in the picture, but I damn well wouldn't if she cast us moving across the country (which we did) and alternating christmas (which we do) and making decisions as a family (which we do) as me being some controlling bitch who was trying to steal her son.

You should want your son to be happy. Let him be happy, and don't begrudge him growing up. I'm staggered by how blinkered you are!

Ive read about half the thread and yabu to say anything but not for ypur feelings. Unfortunately this is life we raise our children then release them to start families of their own.
I wasnt raised by my parents but moved with my mum when i was 12 she then moved away when i was 18 and rarely saw her till she moved back recently. I still dont see her more thn twice a month. This is life unfortunately my life gets in the way and that may be the same with your dil.
Remember she has a child of her own so cant up a leave to visit as often as you like and to be honest we dont always like visiting people on our days off. Also i hate it when my mil offers advice. Usually i nod and agree as does dh and then we discuss it later and decide whether to do it or not. This is how relationships work and i bet your son doent like all the things his mil says.

We have to let go of our children and becone a friend whilst always being present in the background to love and support them when needed. They need to learn to live without us because we wont always be herw.

Let it go, OP. Let it go.

Yabu. To be honest the way it's going sounds more healthy and normal than it did before.

Good Lord.
YABU indeed.

Your DS is 29 and is now almost a step father.

Do you have any idea what a pita it is to haul a child away on Christmas morning to go and do the duty rounds to grandparents, etc? Or to have Christmas with a child in someone else's house with all the expectations and negotiations about different families' present opening traditions?

Try to stop experiencing this as a loss and seeing the future DIL as a threat. You will lose them all if you keep this up.

Be thankful you have raised a man decent enough to commit not just to a woman but her child too.

Op, if you want problems with your ds and his partner; you are doing all the right things.

Let me say this right.

You. Are. Being. Extremely. Unreasonable.

With regards to Christmas my brother and I both work for the emergency services both of us being off Christmas Day is pretty unusual. We have our Christmas Day the first day we can all be together. Some it's Christmas Day sometimes it's the 26th or 27th the date is pretty much irrelevant. A family Christmas on Dec 27th is just as special as the 25th.