Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP, savour every moment that you spend with all of their little family unit. Put on a brave face and be kind and generous (in deed not necessarily handing out fivers). Be welcoming and don't interfere in their lives. One day your ds's gf might be the mother of your future grandchildren.

My gran spent a fair chunk of her life moaning that she never saw us (we lived nearby for 5 years and she still moaned then). She wasted so much of her life moaning she'd never see her grandchildren (we were born abroad). Then it was calls saying she'd be dead by Christmas. So many guilt trips made my parents (her son and dil) not want to spend time with her. It became a chore to be endured.

Don't become an obligation. They'll come when they can. They will have to fit around work/school and all kinds of other commitments. That is what happens when our kids grow up and leave home.

Op,

Are you worried your ds will be hurt again like he was with the last girlfriend? Was he very vulnerable and this is what upsets you?

Anyone with an ounce of sense can understand your feelings but look they have to make their own lives and it sounds like your ds has found happiness.

If you think it through you have a new child in your family, his girlfriends child. Are you welcoming her? Maybe she needs a nice grandma to be in her life. I am sure you have lots to give

but you must must look hard at the thread and step back from your adult son.

OP - I love my MIL, so I'm not on for MIL bashing, but wow, you really need to back off. It sounds to be like your ds has been your baby for so long, that you've lost track of the normal process of letting go. So you will be mourning the loss, but recognise that this is a Good thing for your ds, even if it's tough for you

You need to remember:

• your ds is a grown-up now, in a grown-up relationship. Normal partners make decisions together, not with their parents - honest. Normal 29 year olds only ask for parental advice occasionally, and even then often ignore it
• your dil-to-be's family have as much right to see her and their grandchild at Christmas as you do to see ds. In fact, probably more, as of course children are always the priority at Christmas, and their grandchild is only just starting to build a relationship with you. (Did you stop seeing your parents at Christmas when you married your dh?). Who gets them at Christmas is not a competition, it's a compromise - be gracious. Did you really think your ds would spend every Christmas with you for the rest of your life...?!?
• distance isn't a determiner of relationships. And 170miles isn't the other end of the world. Skype/text/phone. But also, let them have their space, and enjoy your own life, rather than trying to control theirs.
• don't assume that everything that isn't your ds doing 'what you've always done' is your dil controlling him. Your ds isn't a toy who is controlled by either you or his fiance.

I've been thinking hard today about my ds - about managing his independence, helping him grow away from me, by giving weight to his opinions, giving him space, getting him to trust himself and his abilities. He's 11. I hope the process will be complete by 18, not 29 - not because I don't love him, but because I trust the adult he'll grow into.

You sound over bearing and controlling.

You cant change whats happened, but think about how you can move things along to be better. Can you post the child an easter egg? Make a quick call and offer no advice - then no come back if not taken? Usually find men arent good at full facts! Give DIL a ring ask how she is? General chit chat no pressure? They will be finding it difficult in a new place with no family .... as how DD doing at school -you can turn this round

You need to let go.

He's a grown man. Be happy for him, let him make his own mistakes if need be. It sounds as if he is respectful towards his partner, and that he appreciates that his actions affect her life too. I don't think she's trying to control him, merely share her life with him as much as he's trying to shares his with her.

If I were you, I'd be proud of the job you've done if raising him

Have skim read the whole thread and the way I see it is that you consider yourself the matriarch of a 'close' family and just don't like it that your DS has now found himself a partner who will challenge that position . The most telling bit to me is that you wanted to 'gain a daughter not lose a son' - your DIL doesn't need a mother - she already has one , you should aim to be a friend but frankly from the posts here I'm not sure you are capable of making the changes necessary to do that . Be wary OP because the way you are going you will be not seeing them at all.

Ok, I think the OP has got the message loud & clear. No point in continuing to berate her, hopefully, in the long run it will help her

I wish to God my own mil would post in AIBU

OP your children are only ever on loan to you x

And completely agree with Lonecat at the beginning ....

My MIL said the same about Christmas. Except we have seen her every year but not for an "acceptable" amount of time (only 5 hours)

YABU.

Can I do my first ever biscuit?

The problem here is n

Op, I mean this as a genuine question, do you generally find it hard to deal with change? Because that's whats coming across to me, that you don't have any malice you just are having a hard time accepting that things change, time change, and your son may no longer be with you on the 25th December every year. But you can make new traditions, equally happy ones, once you have accepted that change is the only constant in life.

OP my MIL had very similar feelings about me 15 years ago.
I am extremely family orientated - I wanted to promote harmonious relationships with all his family.
We did move away ... We did do alternate christmasses .... But I did try hard.
And whatever I did was never good enough.

It upset me so much that it started to affect our marriage.

Then my DH got depressed.

Then he finally decided to cut ties with his mother.

Completely.

He got better ... So did I marriage.

She hasn't seen my DH or our DC for 7 years... There are no plans for that to change. And she will take that to her death bed.

Op, why did they move 170 miles away?

Sorry if I missed it.

As others have said, it's hard for you, but you need to let go. It will serve you better in the long run.

Take heed op.

May be your DIL does dominate your son, but letting some one dominate you is learnt behaviour from childhood.

You say you reminded him of a silly mistake, which sounds to me like you ve treated him like a child and now he can't stick up for himself.

I just wanted to add that I do feel for you and that it is hard - your children growing into their own lives is a major shift. Each step of childhood and beyond is the same - some gains but some losses too.

Your son and DIL are adults though - and the benefit of adulthood is you do get to have things "your way" on optional things within your own life. What you want to do with your time, your weekends, your holidays, where you live - those are options. It does not make an adult bossy to choose what they will do with their time. Nor does it make them bossy to raise their children as they see fit. It makes them adults.

It is misplaced to project that your DIL is to blame for your son growing up and getting his own family. Of course he defers to his partner when making decisions - doesn't your husband do the same?

The best families and the best friends let you grow and let you change.

Seriously OP, take a step back and let your son lead his own life, make his own decisions and be happy that he has his own family now.
It is a natural part of life.
Christmas will be miserable if you concentrate on what you do not have, rather than the fact you will have your DS baby there.
Let him go. He's an adult now.

OP I have lots of empathy for your position but not a lot of sympathy, it's quite similar to how my mother meddled described a lot of my brother's relationships. Never how she described mine, mind you. No no. I was held to different standards to my perfectly competent apparently much-in-need-of-handholding brother.

Don't over-mother your DS, please please please. You are doing a women everywhere a disservice by the following:

• presuming he is not the person most competent in the choosing of his own partner
• ascribing apathy to his engagement with the world that probably isn't there, yes he really does give a shit and yes he hides it from you
• presuming he is not able to assert himself in things like where he spends Christmas (trust me, if my mollycoddled brother is anything to go by, the most over-mothered men are the ones most capable of getting what they want from women)
• blaming your soon to be DIL for things HE is doing to you; he is the one not spending time with you, he is the one who moved away - you didn't raise a puppet you raised someone who doesn't want to tell you the truth

Sorry , that should have been DDs baby!

'The object of attachment is separation'. Never a truer word spoken.

If my MIL were still alive I would think she'd written your posts, OP. Well except for the fact that I didn't have a child before I met DH.

My MIL clearly felt exactly the way you did about me but there were some things she didn't realise.

We moved our wedding to where we (and my parents) lived, not where she lived, because DH couldn't cope with her constantly trying to tell us what arrangements to make and inviting people without consulting us, not, as she told everyone, because we wanted to keep my parents happy because they were paying.

We visited her often after DH first moved but the frequency of our visits reduced dramatically the day I woke up the the fact that it wasn't worth pushing DH to visit her so hard that we had several major rows leading up to each trip. I decided that we would visit from then on, only as often as he wished.

Her constant 'ribbing' by which I mean ripping him to shreds, dragging up his every perceived failing as a child and an adult and rubbing each one in ad nauseum, might have felt like lighthearted banter to her but it really ground him down.

We stopped spending Christmas with her and FIL once we had DCs because there was no way to make Christmas with them child friendly and we decided together that our DCs should be the priority at that time of year.

Every one of these things probably appeared to her as if I was taking her DS away, whereas, in reality, she was pushing him away by her attitude and behaviour towards him and us.

I feel quite sad that she probably blamed me in her head but what is even sadder is that my DCs spent very little time with her and what time they did spend with her was marred by her constantly correcting their behaviour and our parenting. This meant that, when she passed away, it had very little effect on our DCs and there is a large element of relief in amongst DH's grieving. I think that's heartbreaking.

My MIL wanted every Christmas to be all her DC coming to her home and having an exact rerun of how they celebrated in the 70s. She pouted and stropped her way through every Christmas that wasn't that way (though she was always invited to one of her DC's homes and often had all her children there for Christmas Dinner) because things weren't being done her way. She expected them all to travel hundreds of miles even if they only had the statuary two days off work. The end result has been that one of her DC has declared Christmas as children and partner only, another spends it with their in laws or with friends. They are both daughters.

YABU the Christmas arrangement is perfectly acceptable in my eyes. Why should every Christmas be spent with you? What about her family?

Has your son indicated he's unhappy?

You sound rather overbearing.

Have you ever thought that your DS agreed to these decisions?