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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

485 replies

LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 20:55

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

OP posts:
Pyjamasandwine · 31/03/2015 22:24

The only person ruining Christmas here for you op is you!

I imagine your dh and dd are too afraid of the fall out to disagree with you!

As I said up thread our older kids spend Christmas where they like. I would hate then to feel obliged or cornered in any way.

Again let go before you loose him totally.

Quangle · 31/03/2015 22:24

It won't ruin your Xmas if he's not there. Not if you don't let it. It will just be different. You won't be on your own, eating a ready meal for one by the sounds of it. And even if you were I'd expect you to put a braver face on it than that tbh. We are all grown ups and we are all responsible for our own happiness.

Sallystyle · 31/03/2015 22:24

OP as everyone else said YABU

But I hope you use this thread to think about what everyone is saying and try to change the way you think, and especially act.

Good luck.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 31/03/2015 22:25

Er putting do you lump relations together like that in RL?

well op is trotting out classic mil spin isn't she!

mimisimg her own son down to a choclate t pot, someone without own thoughts, opinions etc.

she doesnt value her son only the control she has over him.

she doesnt mention if he is happy.

becoming a mil does strange things to some women who I am sure are grat wives, mothers to DD and work collegues, aunts, but as MIL can be terrors.

Original poster
LifeAndThymes · 31/03/2015 22:25

I'm finding the thread hard to keep up with and think I need to reread and look into Gransnet but thank you for the posts, although it was very different to what I was hoping for! Thank you for not passing any of this on to DIL msgrinch. I'm not running off the thread but will stop posting unless it's necessary.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 31/03/2015 22:26

Life and Thymes - please look at your last post. Of course they haven't had a Christmas on their own before. They're a new family, you really need to back off and stop thinking that everything needs to revolve around you. It's not fair.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 22:26

Op. I do understand, I have a son to but we both know she's a lovely strong woman. She's not stealing him. Smile

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 31/03/2015 22:27

If you want to be stroked and told how lovely you are, go to gransnet, if you want to work on the situation and get to a position where you dont loose your son and maybe see your dil in a new light, read the thread and think THINK THINK and as someone said - challange your thoughts, look at this situation from different view points and really, do you really think your son is an empty useless vessel dragged off by anyone?

Andrewofgg · 31/03/2015 22:27

OP The grip shop will be open in the morning

evelynj · 31/03/2015 22:28

Just to add that my mil is fantastic & my ils couldn't do more for us but they have a lot of their own lives to lead & 'couldn't' as you put it, move where we are-we've moved countries to my hometown near my family, (they could, but they choose not to - which is fine as we all have to lead our own lives). However, Skype is an excellent way of keeping in touch & much less stressful if both parties make an effort to do it. I find flying 2 small children & all the travelling & staying in a strange place for dc incredibly stressful on the rare holidays from work that we both have. Just to show that although you perceive it to be a hassle for you to travel & costly, try to think of each situation sympathetically from their pov & as a family unit.

You think perhaps that this is where you lose your son forever but if you 'play' it right, not at all & you could still be an important part of their lives. You need to not think along the lines of 'we can't possibly alter our arrangements as we have all the rest of the family here' & just try to fit in seeing your family-it shouldn't matter what day it is. I realise this may be a difficult adjustment if you've been used to happy families at your home for a long time.

Btw, she may turn out to be an uber bitch but it doesn't matter. It's how you treat her now that shows the respect you have for your son. Hope you manage to resolve things & try not to get too down about it

Ionone · 31/03/2015 22:28

Don't stop posting. Maybe you can explain why it seems so unreasonable to you that DIL would like to spend Christmas with her own parents as much as spending it with you? How would it seem to you if your DD wanted to spend every Christmas with her husband's parents? This is what you are asking your DIL to do. It is irrelevant how any of the parents feel about this really. How would your daughter feel if she could never spend Christmas with you again because her husband's parents insisted she spend it with them every year?

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 22:29

Oh I wouldn't pass anything on. I'm just saying that what you've said is accurate.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 31/03/2015 22:30

if the son is such a weak chocolate tea pot then he will need a strong woman at his side to deal with lifes many blows wont he op?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 31/03/2015 22:30

OP

You are jealous and YOU want to be in control of your baby boys life. You need to let go now and accept he is a GROWN MAN who has dared to leave the sleepy village he and has discovered there is a big world out there. It does all sound very claustrophobic.

Why don't you go to your sons for Christmas once in a while - why does every Xmas have to be with you?. I can't believe you expect a 29 year old to ALWAYS come to you for Christmas.

Bottom line, your DIL is NUMBER ONE woman in your son's life now and does rank above you. Get used to it.

ElphabaTheGreen · 31/03/2015 22:30

Serious props to msgrinch

Pyjamasandwine · 31/03/2015 22:32

putting

I am a mil and perfectly normal. Wink I adore my dil and adored my late mil.

I of course know some nightmare mils and dils and other relatives but I do hate these stereotypes especially the ones who point to mad older women who cling on to their adult children! Most don't.

Op of course you surely realised that children grow and fly!

Of course they move away. Your dd may too in the future with job opportunities. It's life.
Where's yours? Seriously you are entitled to one too.

msgrinch · 31/03/2015 22:33

Thanks Smile

Box5883284322679964228 · 31/03/2015 22:33

You can live miles apart and still be close

To build a relationship with dIL you need to be accepting and non judgemental. Make her feel treasured.

You have been the main female in your sons life to date and it must be a shock for another woman to take centre role.

The main thing is that she loves your DH. Yes you could be critical but it will drive a wedge between you all.

It's only fair to spend 1 in every 3 Xmas's with you. It's right they should have a family Christmas alone.

You blame DIL for moving and that's not fair. You don't know the ins
and outs, and anyway pointing the finger isn't productive or helpful. Change your way of thinking.

I think its great that they consider themselves a unit and have their own ideas and opinions. Are you hoping your son and DIL will run their lives according to your opinions? If so, that isn't fair. They are adults.

fourteen · 31/03/2015 22:34

I don't think continuing the flaming is going to add anything to this thread.

Ratfinkandbobo · 31/03/2015 22:35

Also I would be worried if my son constantly seemed my approval and advice on everything. I'm proud my two eldest have their own lives and make their own decisions. That is what well adjusted adults do!

Supersoft · 31/03/2015 22:36

Look at it this way op. You have raised your Ds to be confident enough to live his life independtly from you in another town. This shows you have done a good job in bringing him up.

Just because you live far away now doesn't mean you can't be close. My mum is 500 miles away yet I have a better relationship with her than my dh has with his mum who's 5 miles away. Remember it's quality not quantity. You have so many other ways to keep in touch now then just face to face. Regarding the Christmas thing, I can understand your sad but yabu to expect him to always come to yours. It seems only fair they have one year at yours, one at her parents and one alone.
It sounds like your just haven't trouble adapting to what for you was a sudden and unexpected change. But adapt you must. It's his life now. Do your best to make you dil and her dd feel very welcome and don't be making to many demands on them. You can be close without living in each other's pockets.

MommyBird · 31/03/2015 22:37

I just. I can't even. Shock

PLEASE OP, HAVE THEM, HAVE THEM ALL Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit

Jessica2point0 · 31/03/2015 22:37

OP, when I first read your post I really thought you were my MIL with a few details changed.

Your DIL presumably loves your DS very much, and he sounds like a wonderful man. It is natural that you'll be sad that he's further away from you and it's great that he has a DM who really loves him. If you can learn to accept their new family you will probably be welcomed - most people want loving grandparents for their DC and are genuinely happy that their partners have a good support network. Take care to be kind to DIL, her daughter and any future DC they may have, be careful not to offer unsolicited advice and don't let the little things get in the way. You will still be part of their lives, albeit in a less central role than before.

SukieTuesday · 31/03/2015 22:39

To be fair this particular MIL is so stereotypical Les Dawson's estate should sue her for breech of copyright.

LisaD1 · 31/03/2015 22:39

Gosh, I am pretty sure this is how my MIL would describe me. The thing is I , like the OP's future DIL, haven't stolen her son, I have made his life complete (as he has mine) and in doing so he now lives his own life. He will often tell her he needs to check stuff with me but that's either because he genuinely wants to check I haven't already made plans (which he has forgotten) or he doesn't want to commit there and then and wants time to consider his OWN options and make up his OWN mind. I am the devil in a dress because we dare to break the family tradition of every single Christmas at their house and instead spend some with my parents and some alone. Well guess what, we have our own little family and we're creating our own family traditions, that's exactly what it sounds like your DS and his fiance are doing. This is how they choose to spend their adult lives, you can fight it and lose him or embrace it and gain her and her DD, choice sounds like it is yours to make.