Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

Of course it's different to before. He was single before and lived near you. Now he has fallen in love and moved away. Be happy for him, that he's met someone he loves so much he's willing to move to a new place for and marry and start a family with. You haven't been relegated to visits when she can be bothered - if your son was desperate to see you and she wasn't, he'd come alone. She's not stopping him picking up the phone either. He's probably backing off and distancing himself as he senses you don't approve of the woman he loves and intends to marry. She is, rightfully so, his priority and will remain so. Nothing to do with her influencing him. You're finding sinister behaviour where there is none. Recognise that your issue actually has sod all to do with her. Stop looking to heap blame on her for what is essentially a normal progression of life that you are (understandably) sad about and resistant to. Recognise it for what it is and cut your apron strings. He's a grown man and give him credit for having a mind of his own.

Msgrinch are you planning on telling dil about this thread?

I would urge you not to. The op is clearly struggling with changes in her life and the reationship that she has with her son. I'm hoping that this thread will open her eyes to the reality of the situation and the consequences if she continues to have such high expectations. I don't think you telling the dil about this thread will help the situation and could cause damage to the ops relationship with her son.

LifeAndThymes I think you would get a lot more compassion if you posted about this situation on Gransnet. MN is not known for its tolerant prevailing attitude to MILs, and AIBU is where everyone seems to like to pile in to give posters a kicking wherever possible.

If you're worried that this thread could out you or get back to your DIL, you could report it to MNHQ and ask them to delete it on privacy grounds.

For comparison as I a similar age to your son. I live 5 mins drive away from parents and see them about once a week. In school holidays, I am a teacher, I will see them more. I would consider myself very close to my family and see them more than my friends see their families.

viva100 Tue 31-Mar-15 22:03:11

exaclty

Hi op, my 'lads' are 25 and 24 and the older one has moved out to live with a wonderful girl. She has been divorced and had a hard time and so had ds. They spent Christmas week and new year with her parents but we see them lots.

Personally our children know we love them and happy to see them at Christmas but as long as they are happy son are we.

We would rather our 4 kids were happy and settled Australia than miserable down the road.

Seriously it's perfectly normal for kids to move out and form their own littie families and it's your job to support this little unit by valuing and supporting them.

You have a life too now to live for you and your dh.

Let go.

About Christmas again, DILs parents never mind shifting the day and the 3 of them have never had Christmas alone so having it with us wouldn't disrupt anyone but if they're not with us it'll spoil our Christmas, DD has agreed she feels the same.

This is probably the most riveting, car-crash thread I have ever read. Thank you msgrinch, thank you.

OP - I was raised as an only daughter by my single parent mum and lived with her until I was 22. I didn't see her for three YEARS when I moved to the UK from Australia. She didn't blame my then-boyfriend, now DH. Because it was MY CHOICE. She spent six consecutive Christmasses without me because I couldn't afford the airfare home at that time of year. It was nobody's fault nor DH's Machiavellian schemes, it was just me getting my own life, and she accepted it. She would have been mortified if she thought she had had any bearing on me not pursuing my own life.

You seriously need to be thankful for what you've had and adapt to the new set-up, or they really will start avoiding you.

my ILs blamed me for anything and everything too. they never even stopped to consider that dh was telling me everything they said, such was their conceited arrogance.

the result now is that i refuse to see them at all and dh is too busy/lazy to go and see them off his own bat. that's my fault too.

back right off and keep your opinions to yourself, although i hope msgrinch shows her co-worker just what she is up against!

crabby if she wants a relationship with her son and dil its most benefical she hears about it from the other side. posts like vivas. echo my experience too.

blaming dil for everything. pathway to hell and isolation.

No I'm not as It's not my place to say. I only know her through my line of work and it's not my place to go back and gossip to her. The only reason I said on here about it is because I hate people being misrepresented.

'It's perfectly acceptable to find change difficult OP. Most of us do. But please try to accept that your son is an adult. If you blame your DIL for this you will only end up pushing them all away and the 5 visits a year will become none.'

That is the best advice you're going to get.

Every decision your son has made that you don't like has been her influence? You expected your DS to live his whole life within the same town you live in? You think that her family should celebrate Christmas on another day just to accommodate you? There's only one person who seems to be controlling here and it isn't your son's partner.

Re the xmas thing the other fair way is to alternate. Sounds like your ds is a very fair man. Yabu on this point. My poor patents spend every other xmas alone. My sister and did talk about one of us going but means i wont ever see my sister at xmas. Prefer a perfect family xmas every other year with my parents and a perfect family xmas with dh parents the next year. Cant be in two places at once! Well done for bringing up a very fair man. You should be proud of him!

Er putting do you lump relations together like that in RL?

Typical mil? Don't be so silly. We are as different as mothers, sisters, brothers etcetera.

There have been many, many posts, yes, but none of them intolerant. It's not been anti-MIL at all.

(I spend more time with my MIL than my parents. I respect her opinions and would do anything for her.)

I don't want to spend all my spare time or my Christmases with either side of the family. We have our own family now. We make all our own decisions. That is normal. That's all anyone has said.

Op, to be blunt, you sound like you dont like her.

Do you think she has picked up on this and this is why she feels uncomfortable spending time with you! least of all at xmas!

Oh jeez, DIL's parents are handling this exactly right, they sound lovely. If you can't cope with having Christmas without your son, I would suggest that you need to look at what is missing in your own life. Your children are adults and you cannot live your life through them forever.

Take heart OP, you raised a good man. Someone a 'lovely lady' (as noted by Mrs Grinch) can love and trust to love her little daughter too. You have clearly done a wonderful job!

Time to think about the next steps and stages though maybe?

If your DS is getting married it is likely that you will have more grandchildren. Think about how wonderful that will be, don't let a poor relationship with your DIL get in the way if that.

NB: my DBro, lives a good distance from my DPs. He listens to them on the phone and says 'You are absolutely right' because he finds it easier and then hangs up and does whatever he wanted to in the first place. He's lovely, but lazy.

My DH is close to his parents and we see them most weekends. I suggested inviting them to ours last Saturday but he wanted a quiet weekend as he's had a very tiring week. I'd be quite sad if they blamed me for that.

Sounds like you want to be the boss in your family OP, not your DIL. You want your DS to act the way that makes you feel secure and happy, you want christmasses done your way...

Your son was a poorly child, that naturally makes you more clingy towards him and more prone to worry. That doesn't mean that when he steps away from that weak, fragile child persona that it's someone elses fault it just means he's grown up.

You should be proud of his independence. You should be proud he's going to be married and being a father to your DIL child. You should talk to him about this and see what he says to you in response but you actually need to listen and if he tells you you are wrong then you need to accept it.

That's not really the point is it. Perhaps they just want to spend Christmas Day with her parents as well.

I notice you don't talk about the child in all this. Does it not enter your mind the child wants to spend christmas with her grandparents?

Please do re-read the thread, OP. I appreciate that this has been an absolutely unanimous YABU and quite an assassination of your character too (and I definitely include my post in that, which was probably one of the harsher ones), but you have to realise that, maybe, there is a very justified reason for this...

My own DM moved in 1977 from Cyprus to the UK to be with my DF. Home phones were not commonplace (certainly not in Cyprus) so my DM got creative - she would send letters along with cassette recordings of her chatting about her life (and I also spoke to them through the cassettes, when I got a little older). She has now lived here nearly 40 years and, despite only going 'home' maybe 25 times in that period, she still remains an integral part of her family.

Please do not equate closeness to geographical location and frequency of visits, because that is definitely not the case.

And please stop referring to your future DIL as controlling - from everything you have posted on here, nobody but you sees her actions as controlling. However many, including me, have referred to your actions/behaviour as controlling. If you do not start to understand that, you will lose your DS.

Also - we were a 2.5 hour drive from DH's parents for a decade as well. We only saw them two or three times a year because we both worked very full time and didn't want to spend an entire weekend driving any more times a year than that. You know what? DPILs, despite him being their only child, were COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDING and simply made the most of what time they did get to see him.

'if they're not with us it'll spoil our Christmas, DD has agreed she feels the same.'

Seriously? This has to be a wind up. No one could be that self involved.

LifeAndThymes Sounds like your DD needs to grow up a little. Yes it's a shame when family can't be all together but ruining it? Over dramatic and childish, sounds like she needs a bit more independence perhaps.

Sorry but the Christmas thing is ridiculous and Abu to expect them to spend every Christmas with you and never have a Christmas with just them.

You don't have children and then expect them to spend every single Christmas with you, that's just weird.