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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be ashamed

149 replies

Thankyoumrspatterson · 30/03/2015 19:46

Dh and I are cousins, we love eachother, have two dc and couldn't be happier.

My parents and siblings don't care that we are cousins, they are happy that we are happy but mil doesn't want to broadcast it per say.

If people ask "so how did you meet" about dh and I, I will say "known eachother forever, old family friends" but sometimes I do say "we're cousins".

Tbh no one has ever batted an eyelid and I'm not ashamed but mil doesn't quite agree.

Aibu? Should I lie to people who I meet?

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 31/03/2015 16:52

Evidently I wouldn't be particularly happy if my dc and siblings dc started a relationship. How's that for hypocrisy.

Well hypocritical or not you'd be pretty sensible to discourage that. First cousins marrying is not in itself a massive deal in terms of genetic/inherited diseases as the likelihood of their being a problem is pretty small, as madreloco* has pointed out above.

Where there is a problem, and a huge, serious one in many cases, is where several generations of the same extended family have all married a cousin, so the gene pool has ended up being really very small and the incidence of birth defects and genetic disorders is much, much MUCH higher than is found in the rest of the general population. It's hushed up hugely though, because it mostly affects Muslims and ethnic minorities so do draw attention to it is often seen as culturally insensitive and a bit of a political hot potato.

sparechange · 31/03/2015 16:52

MrsDeVere
That isn't strictly true. Both of them can be recessive carriers of a gene, which wouldn't manifest any health problems in either parent, but combined, mean a genetic problem.
Of course that could happen in the general population, but is more commonly observed in smaller gene pools, such as families.

madreloco
So if a risk goes from 3% to 5.8%, you don't consider that risk to have nearly doubled?
Back to maths for you...

MrsDeVere · 31/03/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 31/03/2015 17:01

and share it again and again and again if you are the next in a long line of cousins to be marrying and having children. Hardly right or fair, is it? to put your children at that sort of risk just for some daft sense of tradition?

Not to mention the cost to the state of lifelong medical care, educational support, disability benefits etc.

Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:03

That's just nasty.

burleysurely · 31/03/2015 17:07

I could never imagine marrying one of my cousins, just a bit too close for comfort.

Although one of my cousins was is steaming hot when he was younger and I used to go all shy and giggly when I saw him. But that was a teenage crush and not something that I expected or wanted to be acted upon in any way.

I went to school with a girl whose mum and dad were cousins. Her life at school was miserable because she was mercilessly bullied for being 'inbred'.

sparechange · 31/03/2015 17:09

MrsDeVere
I completely agree, but unfortunately I know first hand that not all genetic conditions are screen-able before conception...

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 31/03/2015 17:17

DontDrinkandFacebook, what a nasty post.

I said earlier my Dc have a genetic disorder that my DH and I, although unrelated, are carriers of, but were unaware.

Sorry about that cost to the state though Hmm any solutions?

DontDrinkandFacebook · 31/03/2015 17:19

Nasty? Oh shame. Let's not make anyone doing something massively irresponsible feel bad about it, so they might stop and think twice. Hmm

Would it be nasty if I applied it to women who smoke or drink heavily through pregnancy, or who starve themselves, or take class A drugs, or would that just be good sense advice?

Would I be being 'nasty' if I spoke so bluntly about families who routinely mutilate the genitals of their little girls because of some warped, outdated and fucking pointless sense of tradition?

Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:22

It's nasty because you equate it to money.

I imagine most parents - probably all - want a healthy child. I imagine that if there is a question mark over the child's health many parents go forward with the pregnancy anyway.

I am in no way articulate or clever enough to battle with someone. I just think that post 'read' horribly.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/03/2015 17:28

niminypiminy - I was going to say that about Darwin, that he was married to his first cousin. It's one of my top 10 most interesting facts!

OP - No need for you to be ashamed but I think I wouldn't broadcast it widely due to possible teasing of DC's.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 31/03/2015 17:30

yesIdid well if you are not related and you had no idea then you can't possibly be expected to have known, or avoided it, could you?

That's hardly the same thing as the issue I am talking about. Many of these large extended families KNOW they have a history of birth defects and genetic disorders and yet they continue with a programme of intermarriage to first cousins out of nothing more than habit and cultural expectation (and money, let's not forget it's ultimately all about the money, keep the money close, don't let anyone outside the family get our lovely money….) and the children born with serious problems are just seen as some sort of unavoidable collateral damage. Hmm

well if it makes me a nasty person to stand up and say that then I'm more than happy to be thought of as nasty.

Underthedeepblueocean · 31/03/2015 17:32

It was the way you expressed your view, to me, that had me a bit Shock

Your above post isn't nasty at all. It's all in how it's expressed. Fwiw I agree and would consider sperm or egg donation were I in that position but I am not.

LadyGregory · 31/03/2015 17:43

I don't think anything in the OP's posts suggested that she married her cousin as part of a patriarchal tradition that went back for generations - and if she did come from a community where cousin marriage was the norm, I doubt she'd be using words like 'ashamed' - so I think it's disingenuous not to distinguish between a one-off cousin marriage and the potentially far greater genetic problems of cousin marriages going back generations.

And yes, I had a baby at forty. Shoot me.

It sounds to me as though a certain minority of posters here are seizing on the increased incidence of genetic defects as scientific justification for their knee jerk 'ew' responses.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 17:48

"Can I ask those of you who are saying you are repulsed - why?"

Honestly? Because I'd personally consider it incest. I'm no more comfortable with the idea of having sex with a first cousin than I am with the idea of having sex with my brother or uncle.

You did ask....

BeeRayKay · 31/03/2015 17:49

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_sexual_attraction

Interesting. I remember reading about it years ago. Might be of interest to some of the people on here.

BeeRayKay · 31/03/2015 17:50

Oh, and I just fb'd a 1/2 cousin of mine, sort of grew up together. Was always a bit geeky. Now he looks like Matthew Lewis (Towerblock Bluestone 42)

850Pro · 31/03/2015 17:59

People just need to stop being sick and sleeping with family members!!!! yes a cousin is a family member!

ljwales · 31/03/2015 18:04

I guess its just a cultural thing. the targaryens Interbreed for generations. Joffre was a product of incest.

I wouldn't go shouting about something that is cultural y very different to where you live tbh. Be proud in your head, that's all that matters.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 31/03/2015 18:10

lj I hate to break it to you but the Targaryens are not real.

And the whole reason incest is illegal/taboo in the first place is because of the genetic risk factors. It may be relatively imperceptible in 'one-off' pairings between cousins but as soon as the taboo breaks down completely and more and more people do it, (especially in small, remote communities/islands for example) pretty soon you have narrowed the gene pool considerably. Just because the odd marriage between cousins is tolerated and not considered the biggest disaster ever, doesn't mean it should be encouraged.

MrsDeVere · 31/03/2015 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarfreeriot · 31/03/2015 18:42

Whatever floats your boat. Wouldn't go there myself though and I would feel a bit awkward if someone told me they were sleeping with their cousin because it's not the norm to me at all but if your happy and your family are too- why not I guess?

Painintheface · 31/03/2015 18:47

To clear up

  1. I do not come from a cultural background where cousin marriage is usual, our marriage is the first to ever be between cousins in our family line.
  1. I have various medical conditions and a genetic illness runs in our family, we did have counselling before we had children.
  1. I call my mil her actual name, before dh and I we're together I called her aunty ........
ljwales · 31/03/2015 20:34

Do you mean to say dragons aren't real too?

This topic has challenged what I think, I still think ick, but I'm probably not as open minded as I think I am.

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