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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be ashamed

149 replies

Thankyoumrspatterson · 30/03/2015 19:46

Dh and I are cousins, we love eachother, have two dc and couldn't be happier.

My parents and siblings don't care that we are cousins, they are happy that we are happy but mil doesn't want to broadcast it per say.

If people ask "so how did you meet" about dh and I, I will say "known eachother forever, old family friends" but sometimes I do say "we're cousins".

Tbh no one has ever batted an eyelid and I'm not ashamed but mil doesn't quite agree.

Aibu? Should I lie to people who I meet?

OP posts:

ChocolateEggFace · 30/03/2015 20:56

Thankyoumrspatterson If you go to the USA I think you'll be fine, unless you go on one of those talk shows (I think Jeremy Kyle does an American one now), or Montell Williams, (It's a long time since I watched day time TV) ...because then you'll get booed and there will be gasps.

Stick to small islands in Europe, and no one will think anything of it.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 30/03/2015 20:56

Under this is what you said:

Don't be ashamed. I barely knew my cousins - I think a lot of reactions are when cousins are more like siblings.

I pointed out that this wasn't the case. I have quite a few cousins who I barely know yet thinking about being in a sexual relationship with them still repels me and makes me feel ill. Other people can do whatever they want.

BoobooChild · 30/03/2015 20:58

One of my friends who was Pakistani is married to her cousin and tbh I never gave it much thought. She told me it was common in her background. Maybe it's because I barely know my cousins (to the point that I wouldn't recognise them if I passed them in the street) but it just doesn't bother me.

That said, I'm not sure if I'd knowingly get romantically involved with one of my own cousins, but then I wouldn't do a lot of things that I don't mind other people doing. I think if it doesn't harm anyone else than it's none of my business.

Wow took me a while to work that one out.

Underthedeepblueocean · 30/03/2015 20:59

Quite - with YOUR cousins :) as you say, the op can do as she wishes.

Original poster

Thankyoumrspatterson · 30/03/2015 21:00

Tbh dh is the only cousin I had feelings for. Even when I was a teenager I had a different kind of love for him.

The thought of my other cousins makes me uncomfortable and being in a sexual relationship with them would not happen.

Evidently I wouldn't be particularly happy if my dc and siblings dc started a relationship. How's that for hypocrisy.

OP posts:

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 30/03/2015 21:02

I also never said that the OP (or anyone else) couldn't do whatever the hell they wanted.

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/03/2015 21:02

Good call, MrsD, you're too good for the Orange one.

I don't think marrying your husbands brother is wrong and understand that it is the norm in many cultures.

I just really don't like my BIL.

Trooperslane · 30/03/2015 21:10

Mrs de Vere.

I know first cousins who are very together

I did think it was odd (projecting my own very close, sisterly relationship with my circa 14? boy cousins) but when I saw them together they were lovely and decidedly un-odd.

Patapouf · 30/03/2015 21:17

You're not really first cousins though are you? If your parents aremhalf siblings?

First reaction is quesiness in all honesty, but each to their own.
Only thing that would bother me was if my DC wanted to marry someone who was the child of cousins. It doesnt make for a healthy gene pool.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 30/03/2015 21:30

I personally wouldn't get involved with someone I'm related to. It doesn't sit easy with me. However, what two consenting adults do is none of mine, and I don't judge you OP. Would I tell people the truth? Genuinely depends in the situation. As others have mentioned, if your children's classmates found out, it would make them a clear mark for teasing. We all wish for a tolerant, liberal world, but the truth is not everyone is accepting.

Purplepixiedust · 30/03/2015 22:18

My grandparents were cousins. Apparently he checked it was legal before asking her out :) Not sure kids would tease. Teens might. In the OPs shoes whether to tell people.. In some situations I would but not always. It's no ones business but they may be curious. Go with your instincts. Equally nothing to be ashamed of.

LoofahVanDross · 30/03/2015 22:27

I suppose it was a small wedding with just the one family

chrome100 · 30/03/2015 22:37

Cousin marriage very common where I live (Bradford) and there's a very high incidence of genetic abnormalities as a result. Cousins marry cousins whose children marry their cousins etc. I think it's ok as a one off but I don't think should be encouraged.

RhiannonElward · 30/03/2015 22:40

My aunty and uncle were cousins, I think second, but I'm not sure. They were very much in love for a very long time and had four perfectly healthy, lovely and well brought up children.

I am a firm believer in doing what makes you happy where nobody gets hurt, and I'm glad you've been brave enough to have the relationship you wanted. I am guessing a lot of people pass on these chances for happiness because of what other people may think and that's depressing. You're hurting nobody so hold your head up and be as honest as you can be, in my book you're doing the world a huge favour by being open about it.

SilverBirch2015 · 30/03/2015 22:45

In this day and age I cannot see it is big issue, personally. I think it is quite interesting actually. If I knew you in RL I would be a bit irritating I suspect asking lots of questions!

These days family relationships are often quite complex, with various combinations of steps and half-siblings, I would guess your family relationships would be just be seen in the same children.

Painintheface · 30/03/2015 22:45

I've NC ppl, thank you Rhiannon

SilverBirch2015 · 30/03/2015 22:46

*way by other children

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 30/03/2015 22:50

Yanbu to be ashamed. I have cousins who did this. It didn't really bother anyone much...... Until they divorced a year ago. Our family is now a smouldering wreck of what it used to be

I'm not saying you will break up though! Just keep it amicable if you do

Painintheface · 30/03/2015 22:55

I can't ever see myself not loving dh, he says he has loved me since he was 7 and I can always remember viewing him differently.

I felt very close to him even though we hardly knew eachother from before my teens, then in my teens I felt more attracted to him and had deeper feelings.

In our 20s it was all I could think about, he felt exactly the same.

Now we're married and have 2 dc and tbh I think our marriage is pretty good bloody perfect

ConferencePear · 30/03/2015 23:03

I can't see anything wrong with the occasional cousin marriage, it's only when it happens generation after generation that it becomes an issue. In the UK a couple of hundred years ago it was very common.

my2centsis · 31/03/2015 05:40

Do you call d'h's mum MIL or Aunty?

Kittymum03 · 31/03/2015 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 06:48

I went to school with a girl who's parents were cousins. Her dad grew up in Canada and her mum in the UK and they first met in their late teens. They were Catholic so had to get permission from the Vatican apparently. Our priest had to write to them to be allowed to be married in the church. No one at school batted an eyelid.

I could never do it, but then all the male cousins in my family anywhere near my age are disgusting human beings. So I would touch then even if we weren't related.

How you feel about it is up to you OP. You seem happy enough.

EveBoswell · 31/03/2015 07:40

It is not against the Law for first cousins to marry and the Book of Common Prayer lists those whom you should not marry. First cousins do not appear in the list. Good luck to those who do. I fancied one of my cousins.

firesidechat · 31/03/2015 07:49

My great grandparents were first cousins and lived in a very small village where everyone seems to have married someone else from the same village. Hence a very small gene pool I imagine.

We all have the required number of limbs and I can't see an issue really. Nothing to be ashamed of.

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