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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be ashamed

149 replies

Thankyoumrspatterson · 30/03/2015 19:46

Dh and I are cousins, we love eachother, have two dc and couldn't be happier.

My parents and siblings don't care that we are cousins, they are happy that we are happy but mil doesn't want to broadcast it per say.

If people ask "so how did you meet" about dh and I, I will say "known eachother forever, old family friends" but sometimes I do say "we're cousins".

Tbh no one has ever batted an eyelid and I'm not ashamed but mil doesn't quite agree.

Aibu? Should I lie to people who I meet?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 31/03/2015 07:55

I went through a phase of fancying one of my cousins while in my teens. Sadly I was just a slightly annoying child to them.

MyballsareSandy · 31/03/2015 08:52

My in laws are cousins and DH is embarrassed by it. Don't know why, it's legal, he's turned out ok.

londonrach · 31/03/2015 09:00

Sadly in my world i do see alot of children (grown up children) of cousins with genetic problems, strangely alot of mn issues as well as physical problems. However my job means i would only see those needing help so never the children who dont have genetic problems. I just treat them. I do think its too close but not mine job to judge! At least your mil will get on with your dm! .

Painintheface · 31/03/2015 09:15

That's the thing they DO NOT get on

sparechange · 31/03/2015 09:40

'Ashamed' is a strange word to pick, but clearly there is a part of you that is a bit, because otherwise you would always say you are cousins when people ask, rather than dressing it up as you've known each other forever (which you haven't, if you didn't see each other during your childhoods).

It can't be that uncommon, because one of the standard questions I had at my booking in appointments was 'are you and your DP first cousins?'. I live in London though, where there are large communities where first cousin marriage is common. Not that it makes it harmless or without the potential for huge problems, which is why they ask...

popalot · 31/03/2015 10:07

Don't lie, just don't tell them the whole truth! Besides, from what you've said, you are only half cousins so the genetics aren't so connected. You are always going to meet someone who finds it hard to understand. If you're not sure about how they will react, don't tell them. Just carry on with the 'we met each other a couple of times as kids and reconnected in our 20s' line. That's enough. I'm not saying you should be embarassed, but why not save yourself the hassle of someone reacting badly to it and spreading rumours etc that might damage your children's self esteem.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/03/2015 10:09

Part of me cant help feeling that the fact that you've started this thread with the title. Not to be ashamed means you're seeking approval. Why would you need to do that if you had no shAme.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 31/03/2015 10:27

There is something similar in my family. It has never bothered me but I was teased a lot about it in school and didn't really know how to defend myself, except to say I don't care (which didn't help at all). I would stick with just saying you've known each other forever, just to stop any potential teasing of your children.
As for cousins, I couldn't have that sort of relationship with them as we're similar in age and spent so much time together growing up that they're more like siblings to me. It makes it impossible to look at them with anything other than brother-like love (and irritation)! If I didn't know them like that though, who knows?

WhingeyMinge · 31/03/2015 10:38

If you're happy who cares what anyone else thinks? Xx

99pokerface · 31/03/2015 10:41

Personally I don't find it nice I wouldnt be happy if my son did it actually I think I would be outraged if he started any sexual relationship with a relative

But if your happy with what you are doing then you shouldn't worry what others think

AGirlCalledBoB · 31/03/2015 10:42

Yeah if a couple told me they were cousins, that would be my "oh...ok"
look while I desperately tried to look for the exit. So fine tell people but not everyone will sit there and not bat a eyelid.

seaoflove · 31/03/2015 10:42

FWIW, one off cousin marriages aren't particularly likely to cause genetic disorders in children. But when a child is descended from several generations of first cousin marriages (i.e. your parents and grandparents and great-grandparents were first cousins) then the children can really suffer. This is why there's such a disproportionate percentage of genetic disorders within British Pakistani communities.

Ludways · 31/03/2015 10:47

I wouldn't think anything of it tbh, wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Marry who you want and I hope you're very happy.

squoosh · 31/03/2015 10:56

If someone told me they were married to their first cousin I would smile and say 'oh I see'. Inwardly I would be thinking 'holy fuck, she's married to her first cousin'. Without wanting to cause any offence to you the idea does repulse me somewhat. I'd be horrified if a child of mine had a sexual relationship with one of my siblings' children.

Mamus · 31/03/2015 10:57

I wouldn't give a toss. There are far worse things in the world than people who share- 6.25% in your case, as you're only 1/2 first cousins- a few genes falling in love.

Mamus · 31/03/2015 11:00

Actually someone else should do the maths! IIRC first cousins have 12.5% of genes in common, so half first cousins share what, 6.25%? 9.something?

Purplehonesty · 31/03/2015 11:04

It wouldn't bother me. I grew up close to one of my cousins and if we had fallen for each other (we didn't) I would have married him and not worried about it at all!
I don't think it's a huge problem as long as you are aware of the potential dc issues.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 31/03/2015 11:07

My DC have a genetic condition. DH and I are both carriers but weren't aware. The first Dc wasn't diagnosed with having a genetic condition, it was attributed to something else, until another came along with the same issues.

We aren't related at all, just a reminder that whatever the odds, someone is the 1% or whatever. It's a recessive gene so our immediate families weren't aware we could be carriers.

Some of the comments on this thread are a little insensitive, I feel.

ragged · 31/03/2015 11:08

I don't believe it's icky or there should be any shame.
But to save yourself grief I would probably say something like 'We are distant cousins' which is true enough.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 31/03/2015 11:10

You have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to lie about either.

OfaFrenchMind · 31/03/2015 11:10

I would not be bothered. But only if you offer your child a banjo.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 11:22

It depends on the circumstances as to how icky I find it.

My only male first cousin is 16 years old, and I used to change his nappy as a baby. The idea of having sexual contact with him sickens me to my stomach to be frank. I'd no sooner have intercourse with him than one of my own children or brother. I honestly cannot understand how something so wrong could be legal.

But if you didn't grow up together and there's no familial bond, then it's probably a different kettle of fish.

PearsonSpecter · 31/03/2015 11:25

It is completely normal in many cultures to marry cousins. I have friends from Pakistan, India, East Africa and Bangladesh who have all been encouraged to marry cousins. I also know English people who have 4 generations of their family all in the same village and who have married into a tiny gene pool. I would not bat an eyelid if I knew you in RL. By hiding it you will make your children think it is odd when it is not. Other posters on here expressing outrage are the kind of people who like to judge others on irrelevant factors to make themselves feel superior. The important things about your marriage are do you love each other, are you kind to each other and are you happy? Not how you met.

Harverina · 31/03/2015 11:38

You should feel ashamed. You are comfortable with your decision.

However, I think that parents need to consider what information they share with people and the impact that it could have on their children. I'm not saying you should keep it a secret but I wouldn't just shout about it to prove a point either - as your children's peers may not be as subtle or kind as the adults that you have told.

Mrsdevere - if it is not an issue then why the need for counselling? I am genuinely interested in your answer btw, I am not being flippant.

Personally, I could never marry, or be in a relationship, with someone who I know is my cousin. I wouldn't pursue someone who is related to me. It is not something I am comfortable with personally.

Harverina · 31/03/2015 11:39

Sorry that should have been: you SHOULDN'T

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