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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want to be treated to a holiday?

64 replies

Xo90 · 30/03/2015 19:39

I'm going to try an keep this as vague as possible.
In laws have come into some money and want to treat all the 'kids' and their partners to a holiday with them.
It's in Europe so not too far.
We will have a 4 month old baby. I have never travelled with a baby that young, there's so much stuff that we will need to take.
Tubs of milk, the bottles, steriliser? Nappies (I'm not sure how expensive they will be there) the buggy!! (Baby can't go in a lightweight stroller till 6 months)?
Car seat for the plane?
I'm just not sure of all the stuff we will need, but it'll be a lot. We will also have a 3 year old.
I'm worried because my dp said he will be going out partying. Which leaves me with the kids and I'm thinking it's not going to be much of a holiday. He said we will have the help of his family, but then, it's not much of a holiday for them and plus they will have paid for the whole thing I don't want them to think we are palming our kids off onto them.
Dp has said we will take it in turns to go on nights out. But I don't know how I'm going to be feeling, I might not want to party, especially with his sister who I know will want to party all night long. The longest I can last is till about 1am nowadays.
Also there is the booking/passport issue. They are talking about booking now. But the baby isn't even born yet, how will that work?

They are also chain smokers so I'm not going to be able to get away from cigarettes for a week, as you can smoke indoors in the country we are going to. I don't want a 4 month old baby and a 3 year old constantly round second hand smoke.

Am I being really ungrateful and unreasonable?

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 30/03/2015 19:40

YANBU. That sounds awful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2015 19:44

I've traveled with a baby younger than that. It can be easy. What is an issue is everything else. Your DP wants to party? Great but someone has to look after the very young children. Including the day after.

The smoking and the partying would not fly with me.

MamaLazarou · 30/03/2015 19:46

YANBU, I wouldn't want to go either. But you might be getting your knickers in a bit of a twist about the logistics of travelling with a baby and a 3-yr-old: it is perfectly do-able.

Your partner is not being very considerate. Would he be willing to lay off the partying? Would your in-laws be considerate about not smoking around the children?

BlackDaisies · 30/03/2015 19:47

That's a tough one. I think if you really don't want to go you will just have to go on repeat "that's just so kind of you but it just won't work with the children being so young and the family wanting lots of late nights, but have a wonderful time." Your dp should go, as long as you feel ok at home without him, or have your own family who could support you. Just smile and refuse, smile and refuse!

sailoratsea · 30/03/2015 19:48

I'd just say I'd be staying at home with the DC and my DP could do what he wanted.

meercat23 · 30/03/2015 19:48

What about asking if it can not involve travelling abroad. Then you could drive and take all of the stuff you need. If you are UK based that would also deal with the smoking issue.

It is a lovely idea to want to take everybody away but it is only really a treat if it works for everybody and with such a young baby your needs are a bit more complex

LIZS · 30/03/2015 19:48

You seem to be looking for excuses. Agree the smoking is not ideal but surely you can avoid them doing so near the lo's. I'd be more concerned about dh thinking he could go off and party, he needs to support you and dc.

CarbeDiem · 30/03/2015 19:50

It sounds like hell tbh. I don't think I would want to go. Can you speak to them and suggest you all go away either later in the holiday season or next year perhaps?

lostscot · 30/03/2015 19:52

If husband told me he was going out partying and expecting me to sit in I'd be telling him he was going alone! The travelling with children wouldn't phase me at all but I didn't bottle feed so realise that might take a bit of planning.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 30/03/2015 19:55

I wouldn't go. The partying is bad enough but all of them chain smoking all week, nightmare.

cathpip · 30/03/2015 19:58

Travelling with small children is easy, so don't over think that bit, the dh partying etc etc would put me right off the holiday though!

budgiegirl · 30/03/2015 19:59

Travelling by plane with a baby is fairly easy, I wouldn't let that put you off.

But I would be worried about the smoking and partying.

I went abroad with my 3DC when the youngest was 3 months, with DH and his parents. The journey was easy with so many adults to help, but when we got to the villa , everyone except me went into 'holiday' mode. On the fourth day of DH and his parents lazing around drinking while I had to stay sober and run round after the kids , I lost the plot a little, and shouted at them all. Things improved after that, with everyone pulling their weight.

Just be absolutely clear with your DP what you expect from him before you go, and make sure he's on board before you go, otherwise things could be difficult

Original poster
Xo90 · 30/03/2015 20:00

I think it is the partying that is bothering me most. He says we can take it in turns, but I might not want to go out. I might want to spend an evening with him. But his brothers and sister are going to be wanting to go out every night partying, he will want to go too. So it's all going to be fun and games for him.
We haven't really spoke about it properly yet, just been asked if all is ok to go ahead and book (although I don't know how with a baby that's not even born yet). Dp has said yes to the inlaws without talking about it to me properly. Just a quick phone call, in which I voiced my concerns but never said yes myself.

OP posts:
HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 30/03/2015 20:01

That sounds like punishment, not a holiday.
Btw babies can go in strollers from birth. They drop down so that baby can lie flat.

hestialou · 30/03/2015 20:05

Don't go, let hubby go and let his hair down with family and you stay at home where its clean air and not going to be disturbed.

nottheOP · 30/03/2015 20:07

4 months is a great age for holidays. They sleep in the pram and aren't mobile yet. Usually happy to be passed around.

You take the pram to the plane doors. If it folds down in 2 parts.

You can sterilise with tablets.

You can put in a formula order and collect after security. Same for nappies.

They just sit on your knee on the plane. The noise just made ds fall asleep.

Don't party if you don't want to.

I think it's a nice gesture and you're making problems where there doesn't need to be any

nottheOP · 30/03/2015 20:10

Sorry, just to add you make the booking for infant xo then call to update when they're born. Dob as due date.

I'd go if I had advance agreement from dh that he wasn't going to be a dick

highkickindandy · 30/03/2015 20:13

I have traveled with kids that age, it's manageable but not always easy. if you really want to go don't let the traveling put you off.

However, I'm with the other posters who don't think it's much of a holiday for you. If you're happy staying in most nights watching TV, reading etc, fine, I would be. I would not be OK with a partner who was out partying every night and coming back late, noisy, drunk and waking me up and then not being in a fit state to help out with the kids the next day so I could have a break, swim etc in return. Equally, if you take it in turns with childcare, would you get to do anything together ? Depends what sort of hotel / resort it is and what the activities would be, and how likely your partner would be to prioritize time with you and the kids over time with the in-laws at least a few times during the trip.

BathtimeFunkster · 30/03/2015 20:13

The baby won't be your biggest issue - 4 months is probably peak portability.

3 year old shouldn't be too dreadful either.

I think I might say that if you go, you are on baby duty and he is on child duty.

Obviously once child in bed, then one person can take both.

It sounds like you won't be breastfeeding, so maybe you will be freer in the evenings than I imagine, but I can't see you being fit for any partying.

And I think all-night partying for days on end by either of you when you have a baby with you would be really unfair.

How about agreeing that he does 1 big party night, of his choice, but that the other nights he needs to be back on time to get up with 3 yo.

And you get a couple of evening to go out for dinner and a drink and then come back early?

The really insurmountable thing for me would be smoking in our accommodation. I wouldn't allow that with a 4 month old baby.

GozerTheGozerian · 30/03/2015 20:14

I would go but say if DH had a night out, I'd expect him to be up with the kids in the morning so I could have a lie in. Would choose sleep over partying with a 4 month old!!

Lilylulu · 30/03/2015 20:16

Sounds horrid. I wouldn't go!

Box5883284322679964228 · 30/03/2015 20:17

Let DH go with the 3 year old and you stay at home with the baby?

Babetti · 30/03/2015 20:21

Travelling with a four month old is quite manageable particularly if baby hasn't been weaned on to food at that stage. Carrying DS in a sling through security made the airport good deal easier and we checked in the car seat and pram. Baby is in your lap for the flight. For steralising, I got steralising bags in Boots but used Milton tablets. Though I felt totally overwhelmed by the thoughts of it until I sat down and wrote a list and planned it out.

The cigarette smoke and the partying is a different issue though. Could you, DH, your toddler and baby get a separate apartment / hotel / villa to cut out the second hand smoke risk?

YANBU to be annoyed that he didn't talk to you about it first or that he wants to go out partying. Life is different with a tiny baby and he has to adapt so that means he doesn't go out partying every night and be hungover the next day.

Box5883284322679964228 · 30/03/2015 20:23

You could easily text everyone and say 'DH mentioned the holiday to me and while it's a lovely idea and very kind of you, Im going to stay home just incase the birth/recovery/first few months/my exhaustion levels are really awful. I'm Sure DH will be happy to take the 3 year old though, she would be very excited to go'

ZenNudist · 30/03/2015 20:23

You're overthinking the difficulties of traveling. But I wouldn't be happy staying with smokers and I wouldn't take being the allocated childcare whilst your dh relives his youth partying.

He's kidding himself if he thinks you can lie by the pool whilst your ILs play with the kids. The reality of holidays with the gps is they do 'shifts' of childcare but also want to enjoy some holiday too.

There's many a time MIL has got up early with ds1 on holiday, or babysat the odd evening whilst we go out. I still end up looking on in jealousy whilst the ILs enjoy quiet pool time or an evening sundowner on the deck whilst I handle tea and bath time. I'm grateful for their help but it's dh and I who are in charge. We can delegate bits but not the lot.

Nappies. - buy out there (cheaper than extra luggage allowance and certainly no more expensive than rip off Britain. ) Get pampers if you can.

Formula, the same. All these companies make the same stuff and many brands are international. Just take a few ready mixed bottles for plane there and back as I don't know about getting premixed abroad.

Spain is great for convenience of flight time plus supermarkets reliable.

You can go to places with baby kit if you like.

Take your own bottles, really lightweight so no problem. Or breastfeed for added convenience.

Steriliser. Get tablets and use a big pan (assume this is villa holiday as it's so much easier and cheaper generally). I've just used dishwasher.

Pram - plenty of lightweights lie flat. Maclaren one (xt?) with great sunshade, we have baby jogger city mini. It's a real investment. It was bought for a holiday when ds1 was 4mo and was in pretty much regular use up to when he was 3.5 and ds2 was born, been used from birth with him. It's a doddle to walk to gate, lift baby out, pick it up by handle and it collapses. We use it all the time not just for holiday, although I have a second travel system pram that's been used a lot too.

Car seat, not a hassle to take your own. Buy a cheap bag big enough to put it in. We have previously taken both seats in same bag for ds1 at 3.10 and ds2 at 4 mo. You're allowed to check them and it makes taxi to and from airport easy and safe.