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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want to be treated to a holiday?

64 replies

Xo90 · 30/03/2015 19:39

I'm going to try an keep this as vague as possible.
In laws have come into some money and want to treat all the 'kids' and their partners to a holiday with them.
It's in Europe so not too far.
We will have a 4 month old baby. I have never travelled with a baby that young, there's so much stuff that we will need to take.
Tubs of milk, the bottles, steriliser? Nappies (I'm not sure how expensive they will be there) the buggy!! (Baby can't go in a lightweight stroller till 6 months)?
Car seat for the plane?
I'm just not sure of all the stuff we will need, but it'll be a lot. We will also have a 3 year old.
I'm worried because my dp said he will be going out partying. Which leaves me with the kids and I'm thinking it's not going to be much of a holiday. He said we will have the help of his family, but then, it's not much of a holiday for them and plus they will have paid for the whole thing I don't want them to think we are palming our kids off onto them.
Dp has said we will take it in turns to go on nights out. But I don't know how I'm going to be feeling, I might not want to party, especially with his sister who I know will want to party all night long. The longest I can last is till about 1am nowadays.
Also there is the booking/passport issue. They are talking about booking now. But the baby isn't even born yet, how will that work?

They are also chain smokers so I'm not going to be able to get away from cigarettes for a week, as you can smoke indoors in the country we are going to. I don't want a 4 month old baby and a 3 year old constantly round second hand smoke.

Am I being really ungrateful and unreasonable?

OP posts:
Howaboutthisone · 30/03/2015 20:23

I wouldn't go personally. The smoking thing would bother me massively and would be the ultimate deal breaker. The rest of it sounds stressful too. I'd be tempted to tell DH he could go alone but I'd probably try to line up family/ friend support at home to avoid feeling resentful of his 'break'

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2015 20:26

A shit holiday is a shit holiday whoever is paying.
Travelling with a small baby is fine but the whole set up doesntb sound great and what the hell does your DH's think he's doing planning n going clubbing every night? What is he - 18???!!!
I wouldn't be going

Hulababy · 30/03/2015 20:31

Flight - not a real issue
Pram - not an issue
Car seat - not an issue
Passport - generally not an issue

DP wanting to party all the time - issue
Chain smoking in the property and around the children - issue

If I was going on holiday with my DH and children I ould like us to spend the majority of it, together, as a family - not him going out one night, me the next, etc.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2015 20:31

Sounds shit.

I'd stay home and send your immature 'partner' off on his own.

Penfold007 · 30/03/2015 20:33

Travelling to Europe with a 3 year old and a four month old is really no big deal. I've done it, nappies are a similar price and a lie back stroller is fine for a week etc.

That said your DP saying he intends leaving you so he can go partying and the chain smoking in-laws isn't something I'd want to cope with.

Would you be okay with him going on his own and you staying home with the children?

TwoOddSocks · 30/03/2015 20:41

Having done a lot of travelling with my son from 3 months to now (almost 3) I think I'd find the baby easier to travel with than the toddler. As for the rest of it, that sounds bloody awful, I would't want to go either. Do you have help on hand at home? Could your DH just go on the holiday and leave you at home with the kids. Of course even at home a toddler and a baby isn't easy but could you perhaps get some help from friends or family nearby?

antumbra · 30/03/2015 20:43

The smoking would clinch it for me.
Travelling with a 4 month old can be quite easy- I took my baby to Spain, but I was breastfeeding and used a sling. At 4 months a baby won't be on solids- so it was really a piece of cake.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 30/03/2015 20:51

Have travelled with DD at all ages (IL's live in Spain). 4 months was probably the easiest time! It's a nightmare now at 16 months.

We have the maclaren quest which is suitable from birth.

YANBU re the partying. I always tell DH that it's my holiday too and therefore I expect all baby care to be shared. The smoking would be a deal breaker for me too.

CalmingMiranda · 30/03/2015 21:58

Can you have your own apartment, so the childen can be smile free? A 4 month old will be waking in the night so you could use the excuse that you need to not feel that the baby is waking people.

Is your DH the only one of his siblings with kids?

You need to talk through the logistics with him before anything is booked.

CalmingMiranda · 30/03/2015 21:58

Smoke free, not smile free!

CoffeeAndBiscuitsPlease · 30/03/2015 21:59

YANBU and I bet you feel trapped into it. How horrible.

I would politely decline and stay at home with the children, although I have been in similar situations and you'll probably be pushed about going and why you don't want to and made to feel bad.

Completely on your side here, especially with the partying partner and the smoking.

We have a 3 month old and the last thing on my partner's mind is going out drinking :/

NameChange30 · 30/03/2015 22:09

What hulababy said, plus:

"Dp has said yes to the inlaws without talking about it to me properly." - ISSUE!

He is being selfish and immature. He needs to think about your needs/wishes and his responsibilities as a husband and parent. Taking his wife, toddler and newborn on a holiday with chain-smokers, then leaving them to go out partying every night?! Terrible idea.

Let him go by himself, on condition that when he gets back, he looks after the kids while you go on the holiday you want Wink

Seriously, though. If he really wants you all to go he needs to 1. Talk to his family about the smoking issue and 2. Plan the holiday to allow time for you two to spend together (maybe his parents will babysit one evening?) and to make sure the responsibilities are shared so you can relax as much as him.

He said yes without discussing it with you. No discussion, you decide the ground rules!

tootsietoo · 30/03/2015 22:20

Nice idea in principle. But the smoking for me is a complete no go! If you think they'll all be smoking round your children then I understand that you don't want to be there. Unless you could organise your own space and equal numbers of nights out/babysitting then don't go!

NameChange30 · 30/03/2015 22:24

Would you trust chain smokers to babysit and not smoke around the kids, though? If you actually have to point out that they shouldn't smoke around the kids, I doubt they'd make an effort without you there.

bigglesgoggles · 30/03/2015 22:32

Agree, travelling with young children isn't so bad.
However, I've experienced the family-holiday scenario. Abroad. Looked forward to it, was left disappointed.

Brother and wife also had kids similar age as mine, but I was on my own with my 4yrs old. I ended up still doing pretty much everything on my own for my child so no holiday mode for me.
My child didn't cope well with late nights, even occasional ones would mean a tough time next day. And didn't settle quickly in different bed.
I came down after putting to bed and find the adults and kids (bar one or two who had already eaten) gone out to eat (only to restaurant a walk down the road) and they'd be back straight after eating so I then join in drinks after!
Or one night we had a BBQ. Had to feed my child earlier before BBQ was ready as she was going into meltdown. Then put her to bed, came down later once she'd settled, to find food all cooked, everyone had eaten, and they'd popped some bits in the oven to keep warm for me.
Also couldn't drink loads because of being 'on duty' again early morning!

No fun.
10 days away in the sun and I only got a grand total of 15mins uninterrupted relaxing.

Have a family holiday in the sun, just the four of you, but I wouldn't agree to this big family one unless ground rules are well and truly set in advance!

CalicoBlue · 30/03/2015 23:34

Sounds awful and if you do not like the idea now you are probably not going to.

I refused to fly with either of mine till they were a year old. Just did not like the idea of the compression and germs. You could use that as an excuse, as long as you did not fly with your 3 year old before he was 1.

Let Dh go on his own and have some peace and quiet at home.

Iflyaway · 30/03/2015 23:40

I would stay home and let him go to have his holiday with his family.

Why are they even expecting you to go?!

Branleuse · 30/03/2015 23:44

id go and make the most of it.

Marynary · 31/03/2015 09:19

It probably be a good holiday if your SIL and BIL also had children and your PIL didn't smoke and drink much. However, it sounds as if your DH and his family will be in holiday and in party mode while you run around looking after the children. The traveling will be fine but the rest of it doesn't sound like fun.

AlternativeTentacles · 31/03/2015 09:21

Haven't you posted about this holiday before? Or there are two of you with partners that will be going out and leaving you to mind the kids.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 31/03/2015 09:55

I imagine there are a lot more than two, sadly.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2015 09:58

Why are some suggesting he takes the 3 year-old? The smoking and partying will still be the same and who will want to babysit?
No fun for the child with all the hangovers the next day.

OP - don't go.

How old is your DP btw?

Fauxlivia · 31/03/2015 10:11

Maybe I am odd but there us no way in hell I'd let my dh bugger off on holiday and leave me at home to cope with a baby and child. Nor would I agree to go on a holiday where he expected to be out partying.
If you go I guarantee you will spend the whole time running around after the kids and your 'd'p will sit on his arse and let you!

I would say no to the holiday and no to him going without me. Parents don't just get to please themselves - they have to put looking after their kids before doing whatever else they want. Your partner sounds like a bloody child. Indulge that at your peril!

Mrsjayy · 31/03/2015 10:19

Your husband wants to party nah that would drive me bonkers out all night hungover the next day for a week you will have to look after the kids i know it is a holiday but your husband sounds like he will act like it's an adults only holiday and that's not fair say thanks but no thanks nicely obviously but you would rather wait until the children are older , which country can you still smoke inside I honestly thought most of Europe was smoke free

Runwayqueen · 31/03/2015 10:25

If partying and the chain smoking isn't your thing, yanbu I wouldn't like that either. However I took dd abroad younger than that and was the easiest holiday we had