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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not bother trying to ensure DDs have regular contact with in laws?

131 replies

MyballsareSandy · 30/03/2015 13:02

DDs are 14. In laws were quite involved in childcare when they were small which tailed off when they started secondary school. During school hols I still encourage them to spend a day round theirs to keep in touch.

So I dropped them off this morning and went to work. DD2 has text to say that her nan got into a rage when DD told her she didn't fancy going shopping with her. She's confiscsted her iPad and gone out with DD1.

It's as though MIL doesn't have a clue about teens. She's lucky they still visit and spend time with her on a regular basis.

I really wish I'd just left them in bed this morning instead of waking them up early like a school day to spend time with their grandparents and I'm tempted to just let them decide in future, at their age which would mean they see very little of them.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 30/03/2015 14:58

Sounds like you have got what you needed from your MIL when you had a young family and are now not bothered.

Your daughter was rude, have you actually asked for the other side of the story or is this just from your dd's side.

duplodon · 30/03/2015 15:03

It amazes me on MN how young teenagers are supposed to be treated like adults at 14. No, sorry. 14 is a child. You go where you are told and without giving gip.

lbnblbnb · 30/03/2015 15:04

Of course we don't know the full story - but I think you get whatever standards you allow with teenagers. Using her being a teenager as an excuse for rude behaviour is setting yourself up for a whole world of pain! And yes, I do have a teenager and I work with them. You set the standards, not them. I wonder about your attitude to your MIL if you really think that sort of behaviour is ok. You will be one one day....

lbnblbnb · 30/03/2015 15:06

She's lucky they still visit and spend time with her on a regular basis.
Really? Wow. Just wow. But it was ok when you needed childcare...

duplodon · 30/03/2015 15:07

And this idea of not forcing relationships with smelly embarrassing granny? So you who say the relationship should be left to one side, would you all have her teenage narcissism reinforced rather than insisting on a bit of etiquette and social nicety? How odd!

MistressDeeCee · 30/03/2015 15:08

"Entitled" doesn't begin to cover it.

All the faffing just because granny got in a huff over your DD not wanting to go shopping....well, so what? Mothers and grandmothers aren''t beatific smiling angels all the time. There's stuff my gran wanted to do, mainly shopping in town and I didn't much like it - but it was on the occasional days I saw her, it hardly amounts to causing distress to a young person. I used to confiscate my teen DDs stuff at times, tell them to unplug from technology & get to the park or youth club or something it didnt traumatise them. They had a phase of just sitting about if I left them to it, and actually when I was a younger teen I went through that phase too. Sometimes I wasnt allowed to get away with it, had to go along with what the rest of the family were doing and touch luck if I didnt like it.

Still - your DD is clearly the decision maker, her word is gospel, she is embarassed by her grandmother and doesn't want to be seen in town with her anyway. Charming, wonder where she got that attitude from? She is better off at home then, God forbid granny should want her to come out instead of lounging around in the house. You don't need your MIL now your DCs are older, from the way you've worded things. So, don't bother keeping up the relationship if you don't want to and feel you have sway over that with your DCs.

OneEyedWilly · 30/03/2015 15:11

When I was a child and teenager I used to visit my grandparents in the holidays. They usually gave me a choice of activities and we would choose something together, but ultimately I always went along with what they wanted even if none of it really appealed to me because it would have been horribly rude to say I didn't want to do any of it.

Now that my Gran is gone, I really treasure those memories.

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 30/03/2015 15:14

Your MIL was being a bit mean to try to make someone to go shopping when they didn't want to. I think your MIL should at least take into account what activities your DD would like to do and then work out something they'd both enjoy, rather than going into a fit of rage.

lbnblbnb · 30/03/2015 15:22

I am starting to wonder if I am really odd in my attitudes! It appears to be the one day in the holidays that these girls spend with their GM. Shopping could be:
food shopping - chat as they go round, maybe buy some treats, plan lunch together
shopping in town - chat as they walk about, opportunity for some treating of the Gds, lunch out maybe
shopping for a flipping toilet seat in B&Q - chatting, looking at other things.

I wonder if your DD helps around the house, is polite, accepts that she has to help? What is different? If she doesn't, how is she going to magically transform into an employable human being at the end of school/university whatever?
Going to make a cup of tea, I think you might have got under my skin...!

BathtimeFunkster · 30/03/2015 15:31

14 is a child. You go where you are told and without giving gip.

I don't treat my 7 year old that shabbily.

Children are people. They should get a say over how they spend their free time.

I can't even imagine treating a teenager with so little respect.

Is it really considered OK to be so controlling of adolescents?

It sounds so peculiar to me.

OvertiredandConfused · 30/03/2015 15:35

While I do agree with pp that this was rude, I do have some sympathy. My DM is currently giving me a hard time because my DC (11 and 13) don't spend as much time with her as they used to. They don't spend as much time with me either!

They love their GP and do enjoy doing stuff with them but they also enjoy their new-found freedoms of the park and town with friends. It's not a rejection of GP, just growing up.

I talk to my DC now about what they'd like to do with GP and then facilitate that - typically about once a week in the holidays - we live very close. They understand that "granny's house is granny's rules" even as they get older and it does help that they genuinely have a good bond, but it is hard to help navigate the growing-up bit and how it impacts on GP.

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 30/03/2015 15:39

lbnblbnb As someone who hates shopping, I can tell you I would hate all three of those shopping scenarios you described! Yes chatting & going for lunch is nice, but you can chat and go for lunch without going shopping. B&Q shopping is the same as clothes shopping/food shopping for me, perhaps the OPs daughter feels that way too.

But the point is, a 14yr old should not be treated like a toddler....a 14yr old should get to have a say, and be listened to sometimes. What I don't get is the Grandmother wanting to spend time with the children, only if they do what SHE wants.

SaucyJack · 30/03/2015 15:45

"Your DD was rude because, on a rare day she was spending with Her grandmother, she made it clear she wasn't willing to put herself out for anyone else."

But this applies equally to the GM. Why shouldn't or wouldn't she consider what the GCs actually want to do and come to a compromise that suits all of them? She isn't providing free childcare- the girls go there so they can allegedly spend quality time together.

Also- if you read the OP's previous thread you'll know that it isn't a rare occasion. The girls spend a lot of time with their grandparents. Too much time, some would say as they seem to be quite bored and resentful of the arrangement.

duplodon · 30/03/2015 15:47

Oh ffs. It is 'shabby' and controlling to not give children a choice in what they do during the holidays, regardless of what adults may NEED to do in the context of their ADULT lives? This isn't a case of never giving someone choice. This is a case where a teenager needs to realise that social propriety trumps their need to be entertained. That's a life lesson, one which increasingly seems lost on many. Almost no one has free choice over what they do day to day, it's part of growing up to learn that the boring stuff needs to be done and that you don't get to reject the people who have cared for you all your life because you have now decided they are smelly and embarrassing!!

MistressDeeCee · 30/03/2015 15:52

I didn't see previous thread but if beyond the babysitting days GM has got so bad that DCs are resentful and bored then it seems to me they must be sent to her quite often musn't they. & that often brings its own issues..you want them to be with GM but are annoyed because she committed the heinous crime of going against DDs choice. Can't have it both ways, surely. So minimise the contact, problem solved you'll just have to have less "DC free" time won't you, once convenient GM is far less in the equasion

Stealthsquiggle · 30/03/2015 16:08

If my DC went to their grandparents for the day, then I would actually not let them take devices precisely to avoid this. I would expect them to be polite and to go along with plans, but with devices in hand I couldn't 100% guarantee that they would cooperate. I would also probably "manage" it by setting expectations as to what they were going to do, to save GPs from the sort of huffing and puffing that I would get if I suggested bloody anything shopping

That said, in the OPs situation, my immediate response would definitely be to be disappointed/cross with the DC for being rude rather than the GM for daring to suggest going shopping.

Floralnomad · 30/03/2015 16:16

I'm not getting into whether or not your dd was rude but quite honestly at 14 I think dc are old enough to decide with whom they wish to spend their free time so in future just let them opt to visit or not .

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 16:17

Children are people with feelings blah blah but the world does not revolve around them and they need to learn how to compromise and actually do things be a bit bored and please somebody else occasionally I reckon 7 is a good age to start teaching this.

MyCatIsAGit · 30/03/2015 16:27

I really wouldn't expect teen age grandchildren to spend a whole day with granny unless they really wanted to. That just sounds awful. Sort out something else like having them round for tea so the kids can escape and do their own things.

ApocalypseThen · 30/03/2015 16:30

Sounds like you have got what you needed from your MIL when you had a young family and are now not bothered.

Presumably she was rational enough in those days too. Now she's just mad, smelly, boring granny.

redskybynight · 30/03/2015 17:12

We don't know other side of the story do we though? Maybe GM said "well what would you like to do girls?" DD2 said she would like to go shopping and DD1 said she wanted to stay at home on her own and play on her iPad. On the basis that the day is about the DDs spending time with their GM, staying on her own playing on her iPad is not a real option - if your DD had come up with a reasonable option and it was rejected that is a different scenario.

drudgetrudy · 30/03/2015 17:18

In your last thread I thought that your DD really was appallingly rude.
This time it is difficult to tell-a lot depends on the tone of voice and attitude of both DD and GM which you didn't witness.
Had I been the GM I would have let her stay at home taken DD1 and bought DD1 a nice treat while we were out.
There is an element here of you having used MIL when it suited you and not encouraging your DD to consider MIL's feelings.

Can anyone remember being an unconfident teen and feeling embarrassed by being seen with family members. I'm now a gran and I can still remember it so I would have made some allowance for that.

BathtimeFunkster · 30/03/2015 17:18

Oh ffs. It is 'shabby' and controlling to not give children a choice in what they do during the holidays, regardless of what adults may NEED to do in the context of their ADULT lives?

Yeah, it is. It's just shit.

Why shouldn't 14 year olds choose how to fill their own time?

Why should their wishes be subordinate to the whims of ADULTS?

There is no ADULT NEED here.

Maybe the 75 year old should learn the important life lesson that nobody is obliged to spend time with you, and that as a host you should try to make sure your guests have a good time?

My parents have managed to learn that by their early 60s.

Why teach 14 year olds that the world revolves around petulant, petty old ladies?

drudgetrudy · 30/03/2015 17:19

PS-would you have been displeased if MIL took only one DD out? Is she in a no-win situation?

drudgetrudy · 30/03/2015 17:24

Oh -I see she has done this. Is it possible that her sister actually wanted to go shopping and DD2 was being awkward?

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