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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother trying to ensure DDs have regular contact with in laws?

131 replies

MyballsareSandy · 30/03/2015 13:02

DDs are 14. In laws were quite involved in childcare when they were small which tailed off when they started secondary school. During school hols I still encourage them to spend a day round theirs to keep in touch.

So I dropped them off this morning and went to work. DD2 has text to say that her nan got into a rage when DD told her she didn't fancy going shopping with her. She's confiscsted her iPad and gone out with DD1.

It's as though MIL doesn't have a clue about teens. She's lucky they still visit and spend time with her on a regular basis.

I really wish I'd just left them in bed this morning instead of waking them up early like a school day to spend time with their grandparents and I'm tempted to just let them decide in future, at their age which would mean they see very little of them.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 30/03/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChipDip · 30/03/2015 13:13

I too think your dd was rude. Are you sure she got into a 'rage' seems rather exaggerated. Is she too big now to spend a little time doing something her gran wants.

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:14

I too think your daughter was rude maybe gran wanted to spend time with her granny daughter and seeing as you are at work she is basically in charge I would be telling my dds off not saying there there love your granny was horrible wasn't she

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:15

Granddaughter sorry

Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 30/03/2015 13:17

Really? Rude because, at 14, she made a decision about what she wanted to do?

And knowing MIL I don't think 'rage' is exaggerated.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:17

She is lucky no not really most teen grandchildren see their Grandparents ime

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:18

Yes rude

ChipDip · 30/03/2015 13:20

Yes rude. And if this rage was that bad why did your dd1 go with then, or why do you keep sending them there. Really an hour or two is not that hard to spare for their gran.

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:22

Well exactly if nan is so ragey why did you let them go on their own your other daughter went shopping just fine

LindyHemming · 30/03/2015 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 30/03/2015 13:25

She's lucky they still visit and spend time with her on a regular basis

Any reason for this? You sound very quick to take sides against your MiL, have you heard her side of it? It sounds as though she has been a big part of your DD's lives so far. You sound faintly hostile towards her, to be honest.

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure · 30/03/2015 13:26

Yes, rude. Grandparents are not around forever. At 14 she is old enough to understand that occasionally we do things that are not always great fun. If it had been my daughter I would have said before dropping off to go along with what Gran wanted to do, it's only one day out of your holiday.

LemonYellowSun · 30/03/2015 13:31

If you go and spend the day with someone, it's better to do something together surely. Saying she would rather stay at home is a bit off

NerrSnerr · 30/03/2015 13:31

I could never imagine going to my nanna's house as a teen and telling her I didn't fancy doing what she wanted! Of course it's rude. I remember many trips to the garden centre, and even though I didn't want to go at the time I remember the trips fondly now my nan isn't here any more.

ZenNudist · 30/03/2015 13:33

Your dd was rude. I wonder if you'd treat your own DPs so badly?

I spent as much if not more time with my dgm in my teens than as a child. I worked for her in her shop. It was such a good experience for me. I really developed my relationship with her. She died when I was in my twenties and is the person I miss most out of family passed away.

It sounds like you don't like your mil and are holding your dc's attention and affection to ransom.

Yy to the posters saying your dd needs to learn to put other people's needs first. Teach her empathy, not ignorance.

Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 30/03/2015 13:34

Thanks for all your replies, it has made me think.

Don't you think that a grandparent needs to adjust slightly though as children grow up - what is wrong with a discussion about what they might all like to do together? Rather than insisting on something.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/03/2015 13:35

Really? Rude because, at 14, she made a decision about what she wanted to do?

Yes, I think she was rude. She is old enough to understand that she should be more respectful to her grandmother.

However, if you really think she was 'raging', it is probably not appropriate to leave your children in her care.

seriouslypeedoff · 30/03/2015 13:37

I used to go to my nanas and sit and watch countdown at their age. I hated and nana didn't really chat to me whilst it was on. But she appreciated not having to watch it on her own. I can't imagine saying 'nah I want to watch something else'

Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 30/03/2015 13:37

I don't dislike MIL as such, just found her very hard work over the years, although I'm obviously extremely grateful for the help she gave when the DDs were younger. Which is why I'm dragging them out of bed at the crack of dawn during their schools hols, to maintain a relationship with her.

I'm still struggling to see this as 'rude'. She didn't back chat or give any lip, just made a decision not to go shopping. MIL is loud and the town they were planing to go to will be full of their school friends, without adults. DD, rightly or wrongly, feels embarrassed by this.

Please don't picture a frail little old lady with a grey bun who needs help carrying her shopping. She's a fit feisty 75 year old in skinny jeans and converse Grin.

OP posts:
glittertits · 30/03/2015 13:38

I too think DD was rude.

Buttercup27 · 30/03/2015 13:38

I don't understand why she would take her ipad anyway ? If she was going there to spend time with grandparents why would they need an ipad. Surely a shopping trip out is better than being stuck in front of a screen.

seriouslypeedoff · 30/03/2015 13:39

Really you know exactly what your DD said? And she is embarrassed by her grandmother?

MrsSquirrel · 30/03/2015 13:41

Yes maybe dd was rude. Not nice, but not unusual teen behaviour either. Maybe mil shouldn't have got into a rage or whatever she did. Sounds like it was not a positive experience for either of them.

Definitely let dds decide in future. Certainly encourage them to go. Give them the opportunity to go, but don't make them go.

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:42

Maybe next visit see what your mil plans are it was rude because she went to see her nan didn't want to go shopping with her not exactly spending time with her nan is it

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 30/03/2015 13:42

Ditto Buttercup that was my first thought as well - why take the iPad at all if they're meant to be there to have quality time together? Of course it's going to cause an argument when they have to stop playing on it, and of course the teen would rather be on it than doing something 'boring' with their grandmother.

I agree with the others that your DD was rude.