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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother trying to ensure DDs have regular contact with in laws?

131 replies

MyballsareSandy · 30/03/2015 13:02

DDs are 14. In laws were quite involved in childcare when they were small which tailed off when they started secondary school. During school hols I still encourage them to spend a day round theirs to keep in touch.

So I dropped them off this morning and went to work. DD2 has text to say that her nan got into a rage when DD told her she didn't fancy going shopping with her. She's confiscsted her iPad and gone out with DD1.

It's as though MIL doesn't have a clue about teens. She's lucky they still visit and spend time with her on a regular basis.

I really wish I'd just left them in bed this morning instead of waking them up early like a school day to spend time with their grandparents and I'm tempted to just let them decide in future, at their age which would mean they see very little of them.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 30/03/2015 13:42

Yep she was rude.

OP I remember a not dissimilar thread from you a while ago, on the same subject. The overwhelming feeling from most posters was that you were not demonstrating to your daughters that they should respect their grandmother.

Looks like things haven't changed.

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:44

I didn't picture any frail anything

Seshata · 30/03/2015 13:45

There's nothing inherently rude in expressing an opinion on planned activities for the day, especially if asked. Obviously it depends on how you phrase it, but you don't know what was actually said on either side. You should be able to be (politely) honest about your preferences to close family members.

Yes, at 14 she should know that sometimes you have to do things you don't like to humour family members. But you'd also hope her grandmother, as a reasonable adult, would try to pick a bonding activity they'd all enjoy (and therefore actually bond over).

I'm on the fence as to whether it was rude. It depends on tone and what was actually said.

snice · 30/03/2015 13:45

My daughter is a similar age. I'd be really cross if she behaved like that with either of her grandmother's.

snice · 30/03/2015 13:46

Rogue Autocorrect apostrophe there

VanitasVanitatum · 30/03/2015 13:46

Sounds like you're feeding into your DDs attitude to her grandma.

Do you really think it's ok for her to refuse to go with her because she's 'embarrassing'? Yes teens feel like this but it's disrespectful and you definitely shouldn't be supporting it.

Sounds like you've all got what you need from her by way of childcare and now it's all on you and dds terms or not at all. Comes across as self centred and entitled.

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:49

Actually that's what i thought Nan had finished her childcare duties so she is fair game to slag off

Fairenuff · 30/03/2015 13:50

Your dd is being a bit precious about herself if she won't be seen out with her grandmother.

That is actually shockingly rude and I would be having words with her if she were my dd.

Especially after all the care her gm gave her when she was young and needed it.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 30/03/2015 13:51

Well, if I went to visit someone, with the sole purpose of spending time with them, and that person said "right, we're doing this today" and I was not expected to have any say in the matter but just to go along with what the other person wanted - well I guess I'd do it, once. But next time I'd make sure we discussed our plans properly in advance and chose something that we both wanted to do. Especially if the visit-ee's choice of activity was something that made me cringe with embarrassment inside!

I don't see why this should be different for a 14-year-old than an adult. I think your MIL was quite rude to your dd - surely when you have visitors you consider their wishes?

Mrsjayy · 30/03/2015 13:55

She is 14 not an adult it's not the same

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2015 13:55

She was rude - you don't just go to see someone then stay at home whilst they go out. Shopping is a perfectly reasonable activity for a teenager, not like she offered soft play. And whilst being embarrassed to be seen in public with family is normal at this age, it is also hurtful and immature. You should be encouraging your dd to grow up, not supporting her in this behaviour.

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2015 13:57

Jelly there are 2 dds. If one of them and gran want to go shopping, then it seems reasonable that other one goes too, no?

Fairenuff · 30/03/2015 13:59

OP I just had a look at your other thread and the same dd was rude to her gm then too. If you can't see/won't accept what everyone is telling you, maybe you should ask yourself why you are posting about it.

I think that you do know she is rude and you just don't want to admit it to yourself or others. It's clear as day, she is failing to show proper respect to her Nan.

How did you respond when you found out about this? If you don't support your MIL and insist that your dd treat her with more respect, then nothing will change.

enviousllama · 30/03/2015 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlabbyMummy · 30/03/2015 14:15

Yep, rude. At this age she should be offering to carry shopping and helping. At home would be differant.

SaucyJack · 30/03/2015 14:17

YANBU.

I remember the "Nan smells of fart" thread now the PP has mentioned it.

I think you (as in the whole family) should stop trying to force a relationship between your MIL and DD2. It simply isn't working.

TwinkieTwinkle · 30/03/2015 14:26

So rude! My eight year old would know that was rude and wouldn't even bother to ask.

LovesYoungDream · 30/03/2015 14:27

Your dd was rude. I hope she apologised. How would you feel if she treated you or your parents the way she treats your mil? Your dd needs to be taught some important life lessons, starting with the fact that the world doesn't totally revolve around her and about Respect/Good manners/Being considerate of others/Consequences of actions/the importance of making the most of the time with her gp. Children usually learn from example, starting at home. If you are rude/disrespectful towards your mil, they will follow in your steps. I suggest, if you love and respect your dh, you will make more effort for his sake if not for your ils. By trying to excuse her rudeness, you are not doing her any favours.

Hissy · 30/03/2015 14:31

YANBU.

I remember the "Nan smells of fart" thread now the PP has mentioned it.

I think you (as in the whole family) should stop trying to force a relationship between your MIL and DD2. It simply isn't working.

I agree.

AND I add that you ought NOT to be enabling golden child/scapegoat dynamic here either.

You are letting your DD1 AND 2 down

At 14 Yo, i was perfectly entitled to say to my parents that I preferred to stay home than go shopping.

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2015 14:35

But she wasn't at home Hissy, she was visiting her grandmother. Do you not modify your behaviour when you visit people?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/03/2015 14:37

Op your dd was rude, she was staying with her nan, her nan probably had to go and do some shopping to get a few bits, and needed the girls to go with her. Nan did overreact though, your dd is old enough to be left for a few hours on her own.

elelfrance · 30/03/2015 14:42

I got on fine with my Gran when i was a teenager, but i went along with whatever she needed/wanted to do...and she was young and sprightly at that time too.
I think your DD is old enough to realise that when she visits her grandmother she should go along with what granny wants...anything else is rude

On the question of whether you should keep encouraging them to visit, I'd actually think you should....having recently lost my grandmother, I'm grateful for every second i got to spend with her, even those when my mother made me go, cos i was a stroppy teenager who didn't know any better

JassyRadlett · 30/03/2015 14:43

In my 30s, if I were spending the day with my grandmother and she wanted to go shopping, I'd have gone even if I didn't feel like it, let alone when I was a teenager. If never have dreamt of behaving as your DD has done - my parents would have slaughtered me.

Your DD was rude because, on a rare day she was spending with Her grandmother, she made it clear she wasn't willing to put herself out for anyone else.

LittleBairn · 30/03/2015 14:43

I don't think your DD was rude. Why on earth can't someone tell their granny they would rather do something else? It's a bit draconian to expect a teenager never to share her opinion on what she would rather do during school holidays.
The fact is she will alienate her GC if she continues punishing her over something so petty. It will just lead to resentment and the GC avoiding her.

Hissy · 30/03/2015 14:53

elelfrance Sorry that you have lost a lovely GM, this is not a lovely GM situation here, she and DD2 clash and DD2 is irrationally punished.

As hard as it is, please don't attribute your set of circumstances which were clearly normal, to a dysfunctional situation.

And at 14, there is nothing wrong with her staying home and not going shopping.