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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm being paranoid or if my friend is really a frenemy?

103 replies

MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:34

I have been friends with A for about 6 years, ever since she moved into the same road as me. We have children at the same school and our children are all friends.

One thing I have noticed with A is that in the past few years everyone that I become friends with she then has to become friends with and said friends gradually withdraw from me, become quite offhand with me, and although they don't fall out with me as such, they don't actually really engage with me much anymore.

This has happened quite a few times in the past few years, and I have tried to give A the benefit of the doubt and told myself that friendships do come and go and change anyway, but I am really starting to think now that she does this on purpose. I feel as though she goes out of her way to become friendly with anyone that I strike up a friendship with. This person will then become her "bestie" for a while and then she moves onto someone else. Even if she doesn't come across this person in her everyday life she will seek them out.

About a year ago I became friends with B, who also lives in our road. I have noticed in the past few weeks that A seemed to be trying to befriend B, and I have now seen on Facebook this morning that A and B went out together to the cinema last night and have said that they've had a great night out with a great friend. I have noticed that since B became friendly with A she has been slightly off with me and not keen to meet with each other, she even seemingly deliberately crossed the road to avoid me one morning last week on the school run. Again I gave B the benefit of the doubt and thought perhaps she hadn't seen me but not it all makes sense! This happens every time A becomes friendly with anyone that I am friends with!

I know that my friends are free to be friendly with whoever they want and I'm not some kind of possessive teenager that insists friends can only be friendly with me, but it just seems a little too much of a co-incidence that A always becomes friendly with my friends, and then they withdraw from me?!

Am I being paranoid? How can I stop this from happening? I think falling out with A would be a big mistake.

OP posts:
dinoswore · 29/03/2015 11:44

What a horrible situation. Yes I think A is a frenemy.

Is it possible that A is badmouthing you to these other friends? Have you any idea what she could be saying about you?

Why would breaking off your friendship with A be a big mistake? There might be short term repercussions but in the long term you will be free to make friends of your own without fear of her interference.

Original poster
MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:47

I think she probably does badmouth me. Also she is the type to really throw herself into a friendship so new friends think she is the best thing since sliced bread. She is very pushy and won't take no for an answer so railroads people into being friends with her, and they are all taken in by her.

Breaking off my friendship with A would be a big mistake as our children are friendly, and also I think that if I fell out with her she would still carry on making friends with my friends.

OP posts:
livsmommy · 29/03/2015 11:49

Definitely sounds like she is bad mouthing you to them for whatever reason. Most likely she's just a twat. I would distance yourself, you don't need to have a big falling out. Be prepared for her to then make you out to be the bad person to everybody though! Sounds like your life will be much easier and less stressful without this frenemy in it!

livsmommy · 29/03/2015 11:50

Don't make a big deal of falling out, be civil, your children can still be friends. And if your 'friends' are being taken in by whatever she is saying then I would question if they were really friends at all.

pinkyredrose · 29/03/2015 11:52

You've been Wendied.

Biscuitsneeded · 29/03/2015 11:53

I think this is what is known on MN as 'being Wendied'! Sorry to hear it is happening to you. There have been numerous posts like this over the years so I am forced to conclude this must be quite a common behaviour pattern whereby someone befriends you and then sets about turning your friends against you. I've never seen it happen and I am sceptical because I would like to think that my friends know me well enough not to cast me aside on the basis of someone else's gossip/meanness/game-playing, but then again I've never seen it in action. Can you invite some of these other friends and just be very open, ask them if their friendship with you has changed, and if so, why?

TheWitTank · 29/03/2015 11:53

She's a Wendy. Wide berth in the future I think -no falling out, just distance yourself and be polite. She's not a friend.

FarFromAnyRoad · 29/03/2015 11:54

Yep - sadly you are friends with a Wendy and you are being Wendied. Total detachment is the only solution - ice her out in a non-confrontational way then she won't be able to do this to you anymore. Otherwise, believe me, she will do it over and over and over.

mickeyfartpants · 29/03/2015 11:55

Can you find friends in places that mean she can never meet them? Work for instance, or in a book club not in town, or at the gym or somewhere you know for sure she would never go?

And then just keep your friendship with her in the background?

CrystalCove · 29/03/2015 11:55

They can't be real friends if they are so willing to believe whatever nonsense she is telling them , of course people can be friends with whoever they like but this sounds really odd. They should be telling you whst is going on rather than acting like silly schoolgirls.

FriendofBill · 29/03/2015 11:55

Realistically, what could A be saying to cause people to withdraw/ignore?

You don't have to fall out with A, but I would def start keeping a distance.

Polite, pleasant, brief.

Could you invite everyone over for lunch?

Original poster
MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:57

Because we live so near each other and know the same parents from school, I just know that even if I ice her out she will still pick up on who I am friends with and try to become their friend.

I will have to try to make friends that do not live in our area so that she can't befriend them. Luckily I work in a town an hour's commute away so at least I have work friends that she will never be able to befriend!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:59

I have no idea what she could be saying to them all to be honest.

I could invite them all round for lunch but I doubt many of them would come as they all detached from me as she became their pal.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 29/03/2015 12:10

yes, you have been wendied. sorry.
i don't think much of your other friends either if they have blithely chosen to believe any lies she's telling them about you.
distance yourself as much as you can from her.
your 'friends' will see through her eventually.

Icimoi · 29/03/2015 12:12

Is it worth getting hold of B and asking if A has been bad-mouthing you?

msshapelybottom · 29/03/2015 12:21

She's definitely not your friend. I think the only way is to distance yourself from her as much as possible. Any "friends" who listen to whatever she is saying are not friends either and they will fall foul of her too at some point.

I used to be friends with someone like this. We had a falling out, one of only two in my adult lifetime, whereas she has a string of ex friends who have supposedly treated her badly. I've watched her work her way through several "besties" at the school gate like a dose of the skitters. It's very interesting to see her at work without being involved. It's such an insecure way to behave that we should really feel sorry for people like this.

Sorry you're going through this. It's horrible to be in the middle of it.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 29/03/2015 12:25

Go and see friend B and see if everything is ok. Do not mention friend A.

Start to with draw from friend A. Be busy, not very talkative, don't indulge with gossip with her.

I know a friend 'A' she is my cousin. Start building your friendship circle back up.

LauraMipsum · 29/03/2015 12:26

What is Wendying? Search not helping and I've seen it on a couple of threads.

Original poster
MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 12:29

What do I do though if I distance myself from her but she still goes after all my friends?

OP posts:
LauraMipsum · 29/03/2015 12:30

Ignore that, I've found it. :)

jessym · 29/03/2015 12:36

This behaviour sounds incredibly immature and juvenile. Grown women behaving like silly teenagers.

Do men have to deal with this sort of thing? I strongly suspect not. Any men around want to comment?

HeyDuggee · 29/03/2015 12:46

Tell your friends about this stalker. When she's your friend, your friends will be welcoming. When you tell them she's a back stabbing bitch with ishooos (because what we'll adjusted adult does this!?) ... They will have their guard up, won't be as open wih her, and will take why she says with a grain of salt.

That said, if a new friend/neighbour started badmouthing a common friend/neighbour, I would be weary of the new person. I'd they gossip about others, they'll gossip about me next.

You could also try reaching out to people she befriended, then dropped. You might discover they're not too keen on her too now ... And then you could play her at her own game if she tries to rekindle a friendship with the dropped person again (because she's now your best friend).

I would also start talking about you real true friends that also happen to be your colleagues and how you take school parent friendships with a grain of salt... And site all the people who distanced themselves recently... Then get a funny look and add, isn't that odd...I never thought about it but it's at the same time I introduced you to her and you to became BFFs. Then shrug and smile, meh...Like I said, we weren't that close so you two must've clicked.

Another thought - does she badmouth/gossip about others to you? If yes, shut her down with "Good god X, what the hell do you say about ME behind my back?!"

Original poster
MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 13:17

My DH says I should become friends with some really obscure random people and see if she tries to become their friend too

OP posts:
magoria · 29/03/2015 13:49

Where are you b added perhaps a few of us could pop round for cake and coffee a few times and you can see what happens Grin

The lost friends aren't really much of a loss if they just believe this.

magoria · 29/03/2015 13:50

B added = based weird autocorrect