Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To wonder if I'm being paranoid or if my friend is really a frenemy?

103 replies

MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:34

I have been friends with A for about 6 years, ever since she moved into the same road as me. We have children at the same school and our children are all friends.

One thing I have noticed with A is that in the past few years everyone that I become friends with she then has to become friends with and said friends gradually withdraw from me, become quite offhand with me, and although they don't fall out with me as such, they don't actually really engage with me much anymore.

This has happened quite a few times in the past few years, and I have tried to give A the benefit of the doubt and told myself that friendships do come and go and change anyway, but I am really starting to think now that she does this on purpose. I feel as though she goes out of her way to become friendly with anyone that I strike up a friendship with. This person will then become her "bestie" for a while and then she moves onto someone else. Even if she doesn't come across this person in her everyday life she will seek them out.

About a year ago I became friends with B, who also lives in our road. I have noticed in the past few weeks that A seemed to be trying to befriend B, and I have now seen on Facebook this morning that A and B went out together to the cinema last night and have said that they've had a great night out with a great friend. I have noticed that since B became friendly with A she has been slightly off with me and not keen to meet with each other, she even seemingly deliberately crossed the road to avoid me one morning last week on the school run. Again I gave B the benefit of the doubt and thought perhaps she hadn't seen me but not it all makes sense! This happens every time A becomes friendly with anyone that I am friends with!

I know that my friends are free to be friendly with whoever they want and I'm not some kind of possessive teenager that insists friends can only be friendly with me, but it just seems a little too much of a co-incidence that A always becomes friendly with my friends, and then they withdraw from me?!

Am I being paranoid? How can I stop this from happening? I think falling out with A would be a big mistake.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 29/03/2015 14:02

Make up a friend and post a couple of times on FB about having had a great night/shopping trip/drink with them.

Don't be too specific about dates or times so nobody will cotton that you weren't doing what you say you were.

Then sit back and enjoy watching her trying to find out who this mythical friend of yours is.

If she goes OTT enough in trying to make contact with them, you will have your proof and can challenges her or find a subtle way to let her know you know exactly what she is doing.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2015 14:07

Yes do ice her out, she is smiling in your face and stabbing you in the back at the same time. Don't make anymore school friends, make them from outside. I don't think much of your previous 'friends' if they believe idle gossip.

MistressDeeCee · 29/03/2015 14:09

She does sound like a frenemy. Get rid of her, you don't need this kind of "friend". Nor do you need the kind of friends who are so idiotic, that despite knowing you as a friend and someone who hasn't done them any wrong, they just take as gospel what somebody else says about you. Can not 1 of the sheep approach you and say "look, whats going on" as opposed to avoiding you? Silly people. Don't 2nd guess yourself..avoid them all like the plague there are far nicer people in this world to be friends with.

You could also try what joyful has suggested, tho. If that would suit you better

MistressDeeCee · 29/03/2015 14:10

& Goldmandra.

RandomMess · 29/03/2015 14:19

What about the people she has then go on to ditch? If she's not so friendly with them anymore perhaps you could directly ask if anything has been said in the past?

NutcrackerFairy · 29/03/2015 14:20

I don't think you have to be bad mouthed as such in order to be 'wendied'.

You say 'I feel as though she goes out of her way to become friendly with anyone that I strike up a friendship with. This person will then become her "bestie" for a while and then she moves onto someone else. Even if she doesn't come across this person in her everyday life she will seek them out'

I know a woman like this [two actually]. They are very eager at the beginning and treat favoured new acquaintances like their best friend. Not in a overtly desperate way, rather in a very 'helpful' and considerate way. For example, they are often the type to suggest meet ups and provide home made food and cakes.

If you are clearing out your loft and mention it, they will be the first to offer assistance, or advice, or boxes.

They often offer childcare and their children's outgrown clothes and pet sitting duties... the list goes on and on.

So all in all they seem lovely. And of course there is nothing wrong with being a kind thoughtful friend as above.

What is different though about 'wendies' is that there is a subtle whiff of control about it all. They want to be in charge and be central to the new friend's life... they will also subtly edge out new friend's more established friends or acquaintances often just purely by their overwhelming proximity. They are always around in some helpful form or another and other friends can feel sidelined.

However what usually is the undoing of the relationship is the 'wendy's' need to control, their demanding nature, or neediness. Often they are highly competitive too so you hear them laughingly undermine or make a joke about another friend just once too often and you wonder what on earth they might be saying to others about you?

Very Queen Bee type behaviour with added frosted icing cupcakes.

finnbarrcar · 29/03/2015 15:09

I'd never encountered this behaviour until I had DCs and met people at the playground gates who behaved like this. It's beyond weird, why can't people just be straightforward.

Also agree with PPs who've said anyone who believes her lies aren't worth palling around with anyway.

HopSkipCrash · 29/03/2015 15:21

I know someone who did this. She was insecure and can't be very happy. Bizarre.

atonofwashing · 29/03/2015 18:02

Nutcracker, you have beautifully described a situation I found myself in a few years ago. No mutual friends involved tho. I just felt used, once I realised I had been dumped. Sad thing is, the kids really enjoyed each others company.

Finn, I am also with u.

OP - run like the wind, in the opposite direction from this woman. Hold your head up high and just carry on. Good people will work it out for themselves. Above all, keep your dignity.
Good luck.

Hedgehogparty · 29/03/2015 18:30

I had a similar experience some years back. Got to know someone who had hardly any friends and seemed very lonely, so I introduced her to some of mine.
In no time, she had manoevered herself into best buddy and I felt excluded and pushed out.

Funnily enough, she has tried to get back in touch once or twice.....no way, I've got a great bunch of friends now.

Hope you sort things out, these people can be toxic.

Lovedandexhausted · 29/03/2015 19:44

Look narcissitic personality disorder. I think you need to cut this woman out of your life or at least distance yourself she will continue to do this to you as long as you are meeting the need she is seeking which I guess is winning people over you

Lovedandexhausted · 29/03/2015 19:45

Look up*

BMW6 · 29/03/2015 19:48

Make up a friend and post a couple of times on FB about having had a great night/shopping trip/drink with them.
Don't be too specific about dates or times so nobody will cotton that you weren't doing what you say you were.
Then sit back and enjoy watching her trying to find out who this mythical friend of yours is.
If she goes OTT enough in trying to make contact with them, you will have your proof and can challenges her or find a subtle way to let her know you know exactly what she is doing.

Oh, this you could have a lot of fun !!

Charley50 · 29/03/2015 19:51

I think you should ask the other friends what's up and if she has said anything about you. She might be telling them that you're bad mouthing them, which would explain why they are off with you.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 29/03/2015 20:30

Nutcracker - perfect definition! Absolutely what happened to me. Along came Wendy, a couple of years ago now, welcomed by myself and friend. I made an effort to invite her to various things friend and I were doing... And then it turns out she and friend were doing lots together but not inviting me. I'd see the pics on FB etc. I'm still friends with original friend but I did distance myself for a while. Turns out Wendy had been saying she had also invited me to things when she hadn't so friend didn't think anything was odd. She twigged what was going on, as people eventually do, when Wendy moved onto another of her original friends, enrolled her children in the same (out of the way) preschool, was always initiating play dates, then tried to become her new best friend for a while etc. Wendies are to be pitied - just how low can you get? You're worth more OP - good luck.

Original poster

MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 20:46

The thing that bugs me about Wendies is how taken in by them everyone is, and how everyone simply surrenders and becomes their friend.

OP posts:

PausingFlatly · 29/03/2015 20:54

Even better, give the mythical friend an actual Facebook page.

If she's making you feel you're crazy for suspecting her behaviour, that would be a pretty quick way to check that Nope, it ain't you.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 29/03/2015 21:00

You're right, it's so annoying. There were days when I felt like I was the only one who could see what Wendy was actually like. Time will reveal all OP - they always out themselves in the end. Even now, my Wendy is still (unfortunately) part of our wider friendship group due to where we live/school overlap etc but she knows I have the measure of her. It's interesting actually as whenever I've organised something recently and not invited her (two can play at that game!) no one else has asked after her. I suspect she has shown her true colours to a number of people now.

Hedgehogparty · 29/03/2015 21:05

I think most of these people get rumbled eventually, they don't seem able to keep friends long term.

I'm more careful now, think its made me more wary ...

maliaki · 29/03/2015 21:23

Distance yourself from A emotionally if you can't physically. Ask B if she's okay.

adiia · 29/03/2015 21:33

I would add to the idea of a fake new friend.you could open a fake fb account of said imaginary friend,and see if she contact you with any friendship offer/gossip about you.

missabc123 · 30/03/2015 00:48

get out of that friendship and get some real friends!!

Original poster

MrsSubway · 30/03/2015 19:24

Well, it looks as though B definitely is not talking to me!

Twice today she has driven past me and whilst I waved, she ignored me!!

Also I know it's only Facebook but she has also not commented on liked anything of mine lately, whereas she always used to do this a lot, and I know she is very active on Facebook at the moment as she is constantly commenting on mutual friends' things.

Looks like the vibes that I've had that she has disengaged from me are correct.

OP posts:

missabc123 · 30/03/2015 19:28

poor you, what a nightmare

is there any way you can ask one of these people what has changed and are they upset with you? You might get more to the heart of the matter and find out what A has been saying. Sounds difficult to ask but being upfront and just saying "hi, hope you're ok; was worried as you didn't speak to me earlier; hope I'm not being paranoid but have I upset you? I really hope not; sorry if so..."

You might get closer to finding out if B has said anything.

These people sound pretty backstabby!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/03/2015 20:25

Disengage from her, and delete every one if em from Facebook, including the Wendy.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5