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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm being paranoid or if my friend is really a frenemy?

103 replies

MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:34

I have been friends with A for about 6 years, ever since she moved into the same road as me. We have children at the same school and our children are all friends.

One thing I have noticed with A is that in the past few years everyone that I become friends with she then has to become friends with and said friends gradually withdraw from me, become quite offhand with me, and although they don't fall out with me as such, they don't actually really engage with me much anymore.

This has happened quite a few times in the past few years, and I have tried to give A the benefit of the doubt and told myself that friendships do come and go and change anyway, but I am really starting to think now that she does this on purpose. I feel as though she goes out of her way to become friendly with anyone that I strike up a friendship with. This person will then become her "bestie" for a while and then she moves onto someone else. Even if she doesn't come across this person in her everyday life she will seek them out.

About a year ago I became friends with B, who also lives in our road. I have noticed in the past few weeks that A seemed to be trying to befriend B, and I have now seen on Facebook this morning that A and B went out together to the cinema last night and have said that they've had a great night out with a great friend. I have noticed that since B became friendly with A she has been slightly off with me and not keen to meet with each other, she even seemingly deliberately crossed the road to avoid me one morning last week on the school run. Again I gave B the benefit of the doubt and thought perhaps she hadn't seen me but not it all makes sense! This happens every time A becomes friendly with anyone that I am friends with!

I know that my friends are free to be friendly with whoever they want and I'm not some kind of possessive teenager that insists friends can only be friendly with me, but it just seems a little too much of a co-incidence that A always becomes friendly with my friends, and then they withdraw from me?!

Am I being paranoid? How can I stop this from happening? I think falling out with A would be a big mistake.

OP posts:
maliaki · 30/03/2015 22:14

If someone can easily be convinced that you deserve ignoring then they were never an actual friend in the first place. Distance yourself from A and B, emotionally and physically.

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 30/03/2015 22:25

Maybe send message to B and see if she is OK. And find out what Wendy said about you

TheCraicDealer · 30/03/2015 22:36

What age are the kids? You have a finite amount of time before they start sorting themselves out for the most part re. meeting up with Wendy's lot. Until then have DH deal with her shit. Just make sure he's well briefed on the situation in case she attempts the ultimate coup!

B sounds like a cock. Unless you've been seriously badmouthing her to A or are trying to sell Easy Living products then there can be no good reason why she'd suddently start blanking you like that. Ask her straight what the problem is. Then tell us how the convo went Grin

Hippee · 30/03/2015 22:50

Whereabouts are you? Perhaps a few of us who are local can become your friends on Facebook and start posting on your newsfeed about great times - see if A wants to friend us Wink

paddyclampo · 30/03/2015 23:11

I'd speak to B - find out exactly what it is you're meant to have done!

LadyGregory · 30/03/2015 23:28

But this sounds quite mad, OP. And juvenile. Are these people she has alienated actual real friends of yours, or more casual acquaintances?

Because (while not thinking you are deliberately being misleading in any way) I struggle to believe in genuine, longstanding adult friendships that could be ended purely on the say so of a third party, without any of the friends approaching you about whatever the issue is, or to warn you that your mutual friend is attacking you in private...? Wouldnt anyone with two functioning brain cells be very wary of someone who 'railroaded' them into sudden friendship, then bad mouthed a more longstanding mutual friend?

What could she possibly be saying or doing that doesn't cause them to get back to you ASAP?

Hippee · 30/03/2015 23:34

It can be insidious. It's not quite the same, but I had a very close male friend. He asked one of my friends out and she refused saying "I can't, because of Hippee". I told her to go for it and she did eventually, but I know that in the meantime she made comments that made me seem possessive, which pissed him off and ruined our friendship. It was so hard to fight, because she wasn't actually slagging me off - just making herself out to be caring about my "feelings", which weren't at all how she was portraying them. Still upsets me, years later.

Original poster
MrsSubway · 31/03/2015 17:29

I sent B a text last night and asked if I've done anything to upset her as she'd ignored me a couple of times, and that I hoped she was ok.

She sent a text this morning, quite an abrupt one really, saying that I haven't upset her, but there was no explanation as to why she ignored me.

I have noticed she is extremely active on Facebook today especially where A is concerned.

OP posts:
paddyclampo · 31/03/2015 17:54

Why don't you invite B round and see what she says?

Original poster
MrsSubway · 31/03/2015 17:56

I really don't think B would come round. I get the impression that she doesn't want anything to do with me. You know when you just get that vibe that someone wants to avoid you at all costs?

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 31/03/2015 18:03

Sod B. That is very rude.

missabc123 · 31/03/2015 18:10

sounds like A is saying nasty things about you behind your back. She may be stirring stuff up e.g. saying you have said something about B maybe?

One to cut off from and avoid at all costs. And probably her mates too! As hard as that sounds.

Original poster
MrsSubway · 31/03/2015 18:13

B is quite a mousy type of person who I think is easily intimidated and railroaded into things so if A is saying things to her I can imagine that she would take notice and take it all as the gospel truth.

OP posts:
GaryShitpeas · 31/03/2015 18:15

wtf is actually WRONG with these grown women that do this

nasty childish playground bitches

MaryWestmacott · 31/03/2015 18:16

Right, well B can't really be your friend if she's believing what A says without talking to you about it first, so no lost there, stop trying.

However, you said A has done this with others then 'moved on' to the next BFF, so could you perhaps contact one of those who she has since dumped? Ask one of those if they fancy a coffee or something, don't mention A initally, just have a coffee and catch up and see if they volunteer any info about what's going on.

I would defriend A on facebook, and put B as an aquantence only, limit what they can see of yours.

MaryWestmacott · 31/03/2015 18:19

oh and definately don't tell A anything about your life again. If she wants to meet up, smile, lots of "so busy at the moment, some time!" actually, she's the sort to bitch that you'd de-friended her, so set her as an aquaintence, she won't see the difference, but will stop her seeing most of your posts if you change them to 'friends only'.

taxi4ballet · 31/03/2015 20:05

How about you print this entire thread out, put it in an envelope addressed to B and put it through her letterbox?

poorbuthappy · 31/03/2015 20:10

I have been in the middle of this situation and have managed to find 3 other women in the village who have managed to see what was going on, however when the other 12/15 women in the friendship circle are still simpering around the queen Wendy it is still very frustrating!
At least I have some company in my pity party... Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2015 20:14

Sod B and sod A, if B nit adult to be open with you, and be a sheep, she is no friend. Ice them out and move on. Delete them in Facebook.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/03/2015 20:18

I have read lots of threads where a 'Wendy' has influenced others and caused one person to become isolated as a result, I've never seen it happen in real life [not doubting it btw]

My issue is what are these women actually saying about a person to damage a long standing friendship if they're the one introducing themselves as a newbie within the group or to an individual.

No one I know would believe nasty remarks supposedly made by me from someone they didn't know very well.

Bizarre!

atonofwashing · 31/03/2015 20:23

De friending my Wendy from Facebook was hugely satisfying...(although I do realise that's a bit sad, but it gave me a bit of control back from the control she had taken in the "friendship").

I seem to remember my Wendy saying things like, " oh we will be life long friends and when the kids are at uni together we can go on holidays together". Hmm

I'd known her all of about a month when she said that. Who says that after a month long friendship. That's a Wendy giveaway in my book.

lemonyone · 31/03/2015 20:27

MrsSubway - Not really about your particular problem, but do you think that sending a text was the best idea? Something like this which is sensitive would have been much better over the phone or face to face. Texts are way to ambiguous to really understand what the message is.

For example - you wrote here that B said she wasn't annoyed with you. But you interpreted that as being a bit curt. Or - alternatively- perhaps B doesn't like doing long texts and was in the middle of something.

I wouldn't take from a text that A has certainly been Wendying you. Yes, maybe other things, but not that.

Personally, I would just cool it down with A a bit over the next while. Nothing cold shouldery, but perhaps just try and not be as 'invite-y' as you used to be. Then I would look to be making friends outside of the school circle if you can.

lemonyone · 31/03/2015 20:29

Oh, and get of FB or at least change them to being 'acquaintances' so you stop seeing their posts! It's the road to madness to be interpreting too much of what is going on on FB.

Romeyroo · 31/03/2015 20:37

NutcrackerFairy, perfect description of friendship I had where I was unceremoniously dumped when a needier person came along. A lot of the initial friendship was unsolicited (the OTT offers of help felt intrusive) and then the fact that it somehow became about subtly putting me down, whilst bigging herself up. Completely bizarre experience which lasted just over a year. Horrible, and yes, controlling. I was vulnerable at that point and it has made me wary.

OP, I would be looking for new friends away from the school if I were you. And keep away from the Wendy. Never heard the expression before today but definitely my ex-friend.

maliaki · 31/03/2015 20:40

Weak personality or not, B deserves all of A and everything she brings if her attitude to her friend aka you OP is so shoddy. You need to dump both of them. Don't let A get to know anyone you do, put her on limited or defriend her on facebook- she's no friend and you need to keep your life form her,