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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if I'm being paranoid or if my friend is really a frenemy?

103 replies

MrsSubway · 29/03/2015 11:34

I have been friends with A for about 6 years, ever since she moved into the same road as me. We have children at the same school and our children are all friends.

One thing I have noticed with A is that in the past few years everyone that I become friends with she then has to become friends with and said friends gradually withdraw from me, become quite offhand with me, and although they don't fall out with me as such, they don't actually really engage with me much anymore.

This has happened quite a few times in the past few years, and I have tried to give A the benefit of the doubt and told myself that friendships do come and go and change anyway, but I am really starting to think now that she does this on purpose. I feel as though she goes out of her way to become friendly with anyone that I strike up a friendship with. This person will then become her "bestie" for a while and then she moves onto someone else. Even if she doesn't come across this person in her everyday life she will seek them out.

About a year ago I became friends with B, who also lives in our road. I have noticed in the past few weeks that A seemed to be trying to befriend B, and I have now seen on Facebook this morning that A and B went out together to the cinema last night and have said that they've had a great night out with a great friend. I have noticed that since B became friendly with A she has been slightly off with me and not keen to meet with each other, she even seemingly deliberately crossed the road to avoid me one morning last week on the school run. Again I gave B the benefit of the doubt and thought perhaps she hadn't seen me but not it all makes sense! This happens every time A becomes friendly with anyone that I am friends with!

I know that my friends are free to be friendly with whoever they want and I'm not some kind of possessive teenager that insists friends can only be friendly with me, but it just seems a little too much of a co-incidence that A always becomes friendly with my friends, and then they withdraw from me?!

Am I being paranoid? How can I stop this from happening? I think falling out with A would be a big mistake.

OP posts:
fairyfuckwings · 31/03/2015 20:49

It might not be B's fault though as you just don't know what A's being saying about you. She could have been saying you're a drug dealer. Or a lot worse.

SquinkiesRule · 31/03/2015 20:54

I'd bump into ad ask one of the previous friends that she is no longer hanging onto. See what they have to say, then you'll know what she's saying about you.
I love the idea of a fake friend on FB.
Make a fake page, then congratulate your new friend on finally getting on facebook. Get your kids or relatives to friend this fake person and set A up for a fail. It'd at least be a little laugh for you. Then delete and block her from yours and the fake friends pages.

maliaki · 31/03/2015 20:59

B still shouldn't take it at face value if she is an actual friend, she should speak to the OP herself not believe the lies of someone she doesn't really know. More fool her if she does.

fairyfuckwings · 31/03/2015 21:06

Yes she should maliaki but A is obviously very convincing as she's done it many times now. These are all grown women and they ALL end up falling out with op.

maliaki · 31/03/2015 21:33

Or the other option is they all love attention and kiss arsing and, for a limited time, A gives them all of that and makes them think they no longer want/need the OP as a friend.

They are grown women and responsible for their own actions. Convincing or not, would you turn away from a friend based on some attention seeking bum licker? I wouldn't...but then I consider myself a good friend to my mates, while these ladies are not. Not one of them even bothers talking to OP about these things, which shows what bad friends they are.

maliaki · 31/03/2015 21:34

OP you are really well rid with these two. Just please don't make the mistake of keeping A on your fb or in your life, or you'll be coming back time and time again with more and more frustration.

Coffeeinthepark · 31/03/2015 21:43

Wow, illuminating. I know one of these and now I have a name for it, thank you. Competitive socialising, very OTT, name dropping and casually mentioning things she's been involved in with small groups. I have subtly distanced myself as much as possible but sadly am a bit stuck with her because kids the same age

Momagain1 · 31/03/2015 22:06

She probably isnt saying much about you, really.

As you say, she overwhelms them with new best friendness. During that phase, she says mildly negative things here and there, about how you dont like to do this, or go out to that, or to eat here. She relates how you once criticised moves like this or activities like this but since 'we' are having so much fun right now then mrsSub is a silly booboo we dont play with.

That's why it's hard to see what big thing she has against you. There is no BIG thing. Even she would say she has nothing against you! But she has the conversational habit of building up her new friendship by comparing everything positive about it to a negative involving you.

I am curious, does she retain all of these friends, or do some of them get set adrift when new friends come along? Can you restart with them? Is there any one of them you could discuss the pattern with to get some insight?

Meanwhile, let her drift. Just do the same things as these non-friends do to you: forget to return calls, leave only minimal texts/voicemails, stop having time to hang out with her. Or much to talk about other than organising what your kids do together. Certainly dont discuss your friends or include her. Soon enough, the kids will be old enough you can avoid her completely.

IhateStampysVoice · 01/04/2015 08:56

Totally Wendy.

Its shockingly common on mumsnet it seems.

The thing is, you need to ditch A whatever happens. And it seems that B has ditched you, so you can do or say anything you want and it can't get much worse.

With that in mind, Id be totally honest. Id PM B and tell her everything. And ask what it is exactly that A has said. Id also ask the people she did this too before.

If no answer Id get A and B in the same place at the same time some now and ask them.

BUT Im not the one to let things lie, I need to get things sorted, ask people out right and try and get an explanation and this hasn't always gone in my favour.

I never understand when its best to leave it and move on so my advice might not be good advice, its just what I would do.

I would need to know why. I hate it when people wrongly think badly of me. Fair enough if Ive been a nob but if I haven't then I have to sort it out.....

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 01/04/2015 20:29

I would step away from Facebook to be honest. Makes everything worse.

Iamfrankieheck · 04/04/2015 13:27

Wow. This is very close to home for me! I actually wanted to pm you but wouldn't let me for some reason? Anyway, lets just say I am friend C in this equation. I have been friends with my A(possibly yours) for about 20 years and I am so used to her doing this and pull her up on it very regularly.

She drives me nuts in lots of ways but I guess I am just used to her after all these years and just take a few weeks break from her when she really starts to bug the life out of me. I KNOW for a fact she probably comes to you and talks about me and how she doesn't approve of this or that because she does it about you (and friend b,e and f) non stop and gets very irritated when I wont join in...in fact our last fall out was because of her bitching behind peoples backs and being so lovely to their face.

I actually had to take myself off of Facebook altogether because I couldn't stand her kissing peoples ass nonstop, offering to help them, here if you need me blah blah, yet the day before she'd been in my house calling them aaargh.

This time the B friend was someone A had always called a pain in the arse especially with a drink in her and was very jealous of you and hers friendship and it was actually my husband who showed me her blabbing on facebook how they had just been to the cinema and were going to the gym bff's etc

God she sounds like such a bitch when I write all this down. Anyway, I genuinely think she cant bloody help herself, she has always needed to have a new, current all or nothing friendship but like the last one (and the one before that) it will fizzle out.

God, I didn't mean this to be so long, just don't pander to her, stop trying to please her and speak to friend C Wink

Original poster
MrsSubway · 05/04/2015 11:21

Well, it doesn't look as though B is speaking to me still. I have seen her a couple of times in the past couple of days and she's basically tried to blank me and when I've said hello to her she's scurried off as if she has to avoid me at all costs.

DH has actually reminded me this morning of the time when A became friends for a while with the partner of one of DH's best friends. Shortly after this his friend got married and we weren't invited to the wedding at all even though mutual friends were. We were a bit hurt and DH asked his friend who blamed it on space issues, which we accepted at the time, however I bet that A had something to do with it!

OP posts:
bananayellow · 05/04/2015 11:43

I'd get talking to some of the friends A has dropped. I bet some of them ?oukd welcome you back into their lives once they've realised what's happened.
she sounds a nasty piece of work. I've experienced something similar. Fortunately everyone saw through her eventually.

minouwasminou · 05/04/2015 12:10

OP...I would actually, as B has continued blanking you even after claiming not to be off with you, confront her. Her actions are rude and childish and you don't, as an adult, get to behave like that with no comeback.
Obviously the friendship is over, but she needs to explain the disparity between what she says and what she does, even if she doesn't give you the reasons for deciding to dismiss you in the first place.

paddyclampo · 05/04/2015 23:56

Yes, i'd have it out with friend B - you deserve an explanation at least

giraffesCantBunnyHop · 06/04/2015 01:47

Yes confronted her

QOD · 06/04/2015 04:29

Sorry op. Been there.

Islanegra · 06/04/2015 08:33

Those saying that the friends who are distancing themselves weren't real friends - unfortunately Wendy types can be very convincing and very poisonous. I've worked with a Wendy and my mother employed a Wendy. Some of the lies we heard included:

  • "I really like Debbie but I was so worried when she disciplined her children using a belt. Don't say anything, I think she's under a lot of pressure."
  • "I can't be around Liz anymore, it's the way she just slags you off, it's so subtle but you can tell she just doesn't like you so I'm giving her a wide berth."
  • "I know you won't say anything and anyway it's in the past but of course if I was employing someone Id want to know why she was sacked from her previous place.(followed by insinuations of theft.)

All subtle and venomous. And the sort of thing where you might not call them directly but would step back all the same.

minouwasminou · 06/04/2015 11:33

Blimey, Isla! The belt example is pretty much slanderous.

We had a male Wendy among us for a while, but we were wise to him and used to compare notes. Never really understood his motives as he was a wealthy, handsome, successful and well-connected guy.

It seemed that he had two tiers of friends, and the top tier members never saw this side of him, but the lower tier people were his playthings.

Sacked him off after a bust-up...oooh...ten years ago now. Big relief, and thankfully most of us lower tier types were ready for the inevitable smear campaign. I confronted him on it and (several years before that awful song) told him that he was simply someone I used to know and that he should grow up and move on, and that everyone knew his MO. He never bothered me after that.

Give us more info on B and we'll see if we can formulate an action plan for you.

NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 06/04/2015 11:47

I don't think I've ever met a proper Wendy. Well there as a real Wendy who was terrible but in a different way to this.

I wonder what causes the behaviour.

I hope you can sort it out, OP. and that the Wendy suffers

PaschalFancy · 06/04/2015 12:08

A Wendell, then, minou?

SweetPeaSoup · 06/04/2015 12:19

I don't think I know any Wendys (but I could just be oblivious to them as I don't really get friendship politics). Enough people seem to have been victims of this behaviour for me to fully believe that it happens though!

Do people think that Wendys intentionally so this, or is it something that they just do without realising it?

EmeraldThief · 06/04/2015 12:25

This kind of behaviour sounds almost sociopathic to me. I know it goes on,it happened to a good friend of my DM. Frozen out by good friends of 20 plus years when she and her husband met a new couple who took a dislike to my DM's friend.

I have a pretty good bullshit detector and am a gold judge of character and I can spot these people a mile off so I'm lucky in that it's never happened to me.

minouwasminou · 06/04/2015 12:37

Yes, a Wendell!

I think that these people are pathologically insecure, and that this behaviour is necessary for their survival (from their point of view) and the fact that people get hurt is just a bit of collateral damage.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/04/2015 12:53

Can you get together with a couple of local mumsnetters? See if A tries anything.

Also, I tell B to grow up and that ignoring you makes her look like an idiot.